It's Absolutely Wild That Sports Teams Are Openly Making Trump Jokes Mere Days Into His Presidency1/24/2017
I know that the phrase "what a time to be alive" gets thrown around far too often, but - shit - if the shoe fucking fits. I'm not going to get into my personal feelings on Donald Trump, because the 'Search' bar to your right exists for that very reason. What I will say is that I'm not so sure I'm comfortable having a President that is already being made the butt of jokes in areas of the country that voted him into office. Tennessee might be die-hard fans of the burnt orange but states simply don't get any redder than they were in early November, yet their preeminent college program wasted no time in making light of the fact that the leader of the free world's first order of business was re-defining the word "lie". The only place more conservative than Texas is the marital bed of a Mormon woman, yet their sports team with the whitest fan base is fanning the flames of flat out fabrications by poking fun of the...uhhh..."faulty math" done by Trump's team. The guy has been President for less than a week and multiple organizations that represent the regions responsible for his reign are already using him for comedic material that is generally supposed to appeal to any and all demographics. I don't even think that roasting the POTUS is just for liberals anymore, and it's crazy to say "anymore" considering he's been in office for all of FOUR full days. No one knows what the fuck is going to happen between now and 2020, but - if these attempts at fan interaction are any indication - it appears we're all ready to self-deprecatingly laugh our way through it. Grades: Tennessee Volunteers: C+ Loved the idea, hated the execution. Dallas Stars: A- Perfectly timed, and just barely subtle enough to fly right over the heads of people in "Make America Great Again" hats.
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ESPN- "I just hope that we're not satisfied as an organization," James told a small group of beat reporters who travel regularly to cover Cleveland's road games. "I just hope we're not satisfied."
"We're not better than last year," he said. "From a personnel standpoint." "It's great to have bodies," James said. "Obviously, in the playoffs, you go down to what, eight max? And if somebody gets in foul trouble, you go to nine. You're not playing back-to-backs. You have two days in between. You're able to lock in." "It's like when you don't have bodies. It's tough," James said. "The f---ing grind of the regular season. We're a top-heavy team. We have a top-heavy team. We top-heavy as s---. It's me, [Kyrie Irving], [Kevin Love]. It's top-heavy." "I'm not singling out anybody," James said. "I'm not. Yeah, we won [the championship], but f---, you know what, let's see if we can do something. You know, this little "fuck"-filled diatribe about the current state of the Cleveland Cavaliers would have made a lot more sense if LeBron James had delivered it to himself in the mirror. I honestly can't help but think the reporter that transcribed it was an unwanted third wheel in a conversation between LeBron James the basketball player and LeBron James the General Manager. Make no mistake, he unofficially holds both those titles. I'm not saying he was in the room when the ink dried on the over-inflated contracts of Tristan Thompson and J.R. Smith, but you can bet your sweet ass that he was the sole reason they were signed. He obviously wasn't the one who did the snipping, but you there's not a bigger certainty in sports than LeBron James having orchestrated the cutting of ties between the Cleveland Cavaliers and David Blatt. That's why there's not a rhyme or reason for him to be pointing fingers elsewhere when he's the one making the final say on any and all personnel decisions. Maybe this is just a preemptive excuse after the Warriors fortified their already formidable roster with the ultimate mercenary during the offseason, and maybe some people that don't realize how much organizational power he has will actually buy it. I, for one, won't be included in that group. Not only because bitching about having a "top heavy" roster in a league where the only other alternative is having a roster that's "light work" is incredibly stupid, but because the person doing the bitching is the person pulling all the strings for a franchise that has no choice but to let themselves get treated like his own personal puppet. I don't know why this random, spur-of-the-moment tirade was so contentious when he was really just condemning himself, but maybe it's like that scene in 'Me, Myself, And Irene' when Jim Carrey's multiple personalities are beating each other's sole ass for control of their lone mouth.
All due respect to 'The Beatles' here. I don't know if they were familiar with the NBA or if their glory days coincided with an era in which front court players could take foul shots without completely embarrassing themselves. What I do know is that Joakim Noah's "free" throws are for the birds (and bees). Honestly, the worst part about that attempt is that his form didn't look any different than it usually does. He can scrunch his face like he just drank the most bitter of beer, but that shot was as legitimate as it gets. The ball didn't slip out of his hand. He wasn't distracted by a scantily clad woman in the front row. He simply took a deep breath, focused on the basket, and then missed it so wide left that it would have made Scott Norwood feel all-right. I haven't played a basketball video game in quite some time, but they used to have the little meters that went back and forth when you were at the foul line and you had to hit the button when they met in the middle for an accurate shot. The only explanation for the result of Joakim Noah's trip to charity stripe would have been if he were being controlled by some college kid who picked up the sticks after coming home blind drunk at 3 o'clock in the morning. A professional NBA player that makes $18 million dollars a year just botched the most routine of play so badly that it was basically the basketball equivalent of the kid from 'The Sandlot' trying to to throw a baseball for the first time. That uncovered 15 footer was so comically misguided that it looked like something that one of DeAndre Jordan's teammates would throw up during their over-dramatized imitation of him. I know that even the most well compensated of athletes lose focus sometimes, but an 8 year old with ADHD could have put forth a better effort than that. Lastly, I don't want to say that a certain price point is cursed, but if my job security was predicated on the success of professional athletes then the contracts they signed would never have $72 million on the bottom line. Sometimes it's better to just play it safe, and that means avoiding the dollar amount that was given to the biggest free agent flops in both the NBA and the NFL. That "free" throw that made Stevie Wonder look like a dead-eye shooter was about as utterly mortifying as every single wounded duck that Brock Osweiler blindly tossed up this season. Maybe that's a complete coincidence, but if I were a General Manager I certainly wouldn't want to the one to do the research necessary to find out. Bobby Lou Congratulating Henrik Sedin After He Scored His 1,000th Point On Him Is Just Everything1/23/2017
Can somebody remind me why I used to dislike Roberto Luongo? Did I hold some personal grudge I after he took over as Team Canada's starter when Marty Brodeur struggled during the initial stages of the 2010 Olympics? Was it some unspoken agreement we all made when he signed a contract that was over a decade long that he would have had to save everything - including all Western Canadian puppies from the pound - to live up to? Are the Vancouver Canucks such a "blah" organization that we just blamed their pedestrian reputation on the one guy we always expected more out of? Did Cory Schneider's success as his backup make him seem like he was more interested in collecting exorbitant paychecks than living up his endless potential? I'm honestly not really sure of the answer, but Roberto Luongo's Floridian resurgence as well as his increasingly self deprecating social media presence are proof positive that I was dead wrong...
So I guess it wasn't all that surprising to see him leave his crease to dap up a former teammate who had just hit a monumental milestone at his expense. Still, something about him putting his personal pride aside during the heat of competition to show respect for a close cohort's career as well as the history of game made the gesture pretty damn awesome to see nonetheless. Just one guy acknowledging another's success after being such a huge part of it for so long. The admiration that professional athletes - and more specifically hockey players - have for each other's talents isn't something you get to see on the ice everyday. Credit to Roberto Luongo for giving us all a first hand look at it by giving the guy that took over for him as captain of a once formidable Canucks squad a little recognition after having his 5-hole used and abused during the rewriting of the record books. He probably didn't even think much of it when he did it, and that says all you need to know about a guy that I owe approximately eight year's worth of good will towards. The Browns Asked Deshaun Watson To Play In The Senior Bowl, And Who Do The Browns Think They Are?1/23/2017 LBS- According to Peter King of MMQB, the Browns asked Watson to play in the Senior Bowl, which likely would have put him on the South team coached by Cleveland coach Hue Jackson and his staff.
The Clemson quarterback was unmoved by the request and declined to play in the game, passing up the chance to give the team holding the No. 1 overall pick a close look at him. “I get it,” Jackson said of Watson’s decision, via Mary Kay Cabot of Cleveland.com. “I understand where he is and I’m sure he understood what we wanted to accomplish. Again, he’s got to do what’s best for him. You only get drafted one time, and I respect that. “Obviously we wish he were here. It would’ve been a great chance to have an opportunity to evaluate him doing the things we do in meetings and on the practice field. But that’s not going to happen, so we’ll have to find a different way of evaluating him.” Shit, does this mean I have to start feeling bad for the Cleveland Browns? I think, at the very least, I have to start pitying them. It's one thing to be an awful organization that is looked down upon by every single athlete putting on football pads at the professional or collegiate level, but it's way more sad to be an awful organization that has no idea how people outside their facilities view them. Now, it's very likely that a high profile prospect like Deshaun Watson never had the slightest of intentions of playing in the Senior Bowl, but do you know what definitely wasn't going to change his mind? A request from the franchise that he would rather drop out of the first round than get selected by first overall. If Hue Jackson really wanted to get a better look at the former Clemson star at the Senior Bowl then he should have suggested he stay home, because any signal caller with that much promise undoubtedly wants absolutely nothing to do with making a good impression on a city that has basically become a graveyard to the careers of quarterbacks. I know that's how I would feel if I were at talented as him. If the Browns wanted to see me at the combine I'd tell them meet me at my pro day. If they wanted me to go vegan, I'd contact 'Johnsonville' sausage for an advertising gig. If they told me to jump I would super glue my shoes to the floor right where I was standing. It's obviously ridiculous to think that Deshaun Watson is making important career decisions in an attempt to sabotage a union between him and Cleveland, but I would bet a pretty penny that he's closer to going out of his way to disenchant Hue Jackson and his staff than he is to going out of his way to charm them. This JumboTron Proposal Gone Horribly Wrong Was A Total Farce, But At Least It Was Well Staffed1/23/2017 'm sorry to break the heart of each and every sadistic son of a bitch that enjoyed watching a man appear to lose three months salary amongst a litany of spilled beer, half-eaten hot dogs, and stale popcorn, but this proposal gone gone awry was a complete setup. Even if internet advertising hadn't taught me that things that seem too good to be true usually are, I would still know this was all an act. Why, you ask? Because an entire section of people immediately springing to the rescue of a complete stranger in the year 2017 is somehow exponentially less believable than a fan thinking it's a brilliant idea to expedite a proposal during a TV timeout of a game against the Philadelphia fucking 76ers. I really hate being the bearer of bad news, but it's about damn time someone called attention to the fact that the Atlanta Hawks completely insulted the intelligence - that you may or may not have - by trying to trick you into trusting their contrived viral videos. That said, I do have to give credit where credit is due. The only way in which I would be able to suspend such obvious disbelief is if this scene took place in a 'straight-to-TV' romantic comedy, but at least it would be a 'straight-to-TV' romantic comedy that was relatively well casted. I haven't thought all that much about what the type of person who would put their hands on another man mid-proposal might look like, but a white guy in a fedora trying to force his way on screen is absolutely spot-on. I can't say I know too many black guys that are corny enough to pop the question during a meaningless regular season basketball game, but I can promise you that if I did they'd have a closet full of painfully striped sweaters with the seams showing. The future wifey that goes from "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" lovestruck to "white boy, If you say one more word to me I swear on mothafuckin' everything..." ratchet within seconds? The rest of the section that is far too sympathetic and cooperative to exist in a real life scenario? This little show they put on exercised every stereotype in the book, and that's exactly what I would expect from a low budget love story that was interrupted by a suspiciously wacky turn of events.
Yesterday's Rally. was an amazing and beautiful experience.
I came and performed Express Yourself and thats exactly what i did. However I want to clarify some very important things. I am not a violent person, I do not promote violence and it's important people hear and understand my speech in it's entirety rather than one phrase taken wildly out of context. My speech began with " I want to start a revolution of love." ♥️ I then go on to take this opportunity to encourage women and all marginalized people to not fall into despair but rather to come together and use it as a starting point for unity and to create positive change in the world. I spoke in metaphor and I shared two ways of looking at things — one was to be hopeful, and one was to feel anger and outrage, which I have personally felt. However, I know that acting out of anger doesn’t solve anything. And the only way to change things for the better is to do it with love. It was truly an honor to be part of an audience chanting “we choose love”. ????♥️????♥️????♥️????♥️???? #revoltutionoflove♥️#revolutionoflove♥️** And herein lies the innate beauty of "context". It's an excuse that's as American as apple pie, democracy, and old white dudes being taken wayyyyy more seriously than they should be simply because of their net worth. So don't go looking for me to "blow up" Madonna's spot, because public figures claiming they fell victim to "context" instead of just apologizing for the dumbass shit they thoughtlessly spew is as much of a fabric of this country as the flag that you have to stand for to avoid being labeled a terrorist. That said, I do have one question for the senior citizen pop star that already failed to "blow" Donald Trump's chances of winning the job as President of the United States. What exactly was the proper context for "I have thought an awful lot bout blowing up the White House"? She's deffffinitely not the type of person to completely undermine a praiseworthy protest that featured hundreds of thousands of people marching on behalf of equal rights for her gender just so that she could selfishly get herself some attention, so I wouldn't darrrrre doubt her. However, I don't think asking her to paint a more reasonable picture (that hopefully doesn't resemble an infamous scene from 'Independence Day') for those of us that don't care enough about her opinion to listen to the entirety of her cringeworthy speech is too high of a demand. I've blissfully ignored the transgressions of far too many professional athletes to start calling 'bullshit' on the use of "out of context" now, but - please Madonna - explain to me the non-idiotic context in which it's productive to say that you've contemplated using explosives on the President's residence. Either that or just come clean and admit that you're like....a virgin when it comes to not getting your way. All It Took Was One Expletive For A Golf Announcer To Capture The Entire Spirit Of The Sport1/23/2017
I know the stick-in-the-mud golf aficionados that tune in to learn as much about the intricacies of the gentleman's game as possible so that they can one day become the next Bagger Vance might disagree with the following sentiment. However, aren't the vast majority of us - that don't dream of carrying clubs or impressing our buddies at the country club - just looking for our commentators to make the broadcast relatable? I can't remember the last time I caught some PGA "action" on television without it just happening to be background noise for my nap, but if I did I would certainly want those that are paid to detail it for me to do so in a language that I can understand. Well, I'm not all that familiar with lies, specialty stances, penalty strokes, or any of that other jargon, but I know what "ah fuck" means when it's comes immediately after the swinging of a driver. That's one buzzword that'll never fail in describing exactly what I'm witnessing on the golf course, because it's long been associated with a sight I regularly see first-hand while on the golf course. Probably not the best look for an announcer to be casually dropping F-bombs on the air during the most pressurized - and thus, most watched - moments of a record tying round, but if he had the casual fan's interest's in mind then he just cursed his way into their hearts. Give me a 'Golf 4 Dummiez' channel that comes with a parental advisory warning and I might even think about tuning in on Championship Sunday. As far as I am concerned, the only two phrases that can accurately portray the inevitable trajectory of a golf ball are "ah fuck" and "fuck yeah". So while he may have caused an awkward silence (that had to make those that weren't intently focused on a historical feat belly laugh) and offended some people, he did so in a way that any person that's ever picked up a club can empathize with. The Saints Were Close To Trading Sean Payton To The Colts...According To Not One Reliable Source1/23/2017
CBS- For the second straight offseason there were back-channel communications between the Colts and Saints about a possible trade of Sean Payton, according to sources with knowledge of the situation, though the talks ultimately broke down over draft-pick compensation.
While neither ownership group was directly involved in the process, the sources said the highest reaches of the clubs were aware of the back-and-forth and that there was mutual interest in completing a deal. The two sides, however, could not agree on the value of the trade. The Saints were seeking more compensation than the Colts were willing to give up, likely asking for at least one pick in the top two rounds, and Colts owner Jim Irsay was not willing to meet that price, the sources said. Talks with the Colts were taking place primarily with Pete Ward, the Colts' chief operating office, the sources said, who has been with the franchise for 36 years dating back to its move from Baltimore and who is very close to Irsay. Ward acknowledged he spoke with an affiliate of the Saints regarding Payton, but said he quickly informed them there would be no further talks. Well, this is a new wrinkle. I have grown accustomed to the annual "OMFG, Sean Payton is getting traded for far less than he is worth to each and every non-playoff team with which he has even the most minor of indirect affiliation" headline. However, I can't say I was expecting the same reporters that were responsible for those rumors to double down on them after having been proven wrong year...after year...after year. Sorry for my skepticism, but I'm not running to get the extinguisher when the boy who perennially cries wolf starts blowing smoke. Especially when those of his occupation who are far more deserving of trust piss on the makings of the fire by refuting the report within hours...
Now, it would be silly to say that the job of a head coach who was fresh off three straight 7-9 seasons was entirely safe this offseason. There's little to no doubt that the Saints discussed whether he was the right man to continue leading their football team, and - considering the lack of success recently - every single fan should appreciate the organization doing it's due diligence. That said, Sean Payton wouldn't still be in New Orleans if New Orleans was placing calls around the league out desperately trying to pawn him off for draft picks. Forget trusting that the Saints have a clear vision for how the final seasons of Drew Brees' illustrious career is going to play out, because even Jim Irsay's drunk ass deserves the benefit of the doubt here. If the Colts held onto an unknown prospect instead of instantly upgrading their team with an offensive coach that could undoubtedly help Andrew Luck finally fulfill his endless promise then they would be even dumber than the Saints would be for making a wholesale organizational change in exchange for a player to be named later. For this to be true, the team who just canned it's GM would have had to trust their personnel department (that has, of late, turned the NFL Draft into more of a not-so-courtesy flushing of assets than a crap shoot) over the resume of the person that turned a defunct franchise into a Super Bowl winner at their expense. If that is - indeed - what happened then I thank Indianapolis for their ineptitude, but it seems a tad more likely that this is just the work of a professional turd tosser hoping that he'll finally get some of his shit to stick. The Falcons Fan That Was Going Around Slapping Cheeseheads Off Packers' Fans Somehow Won Me Over1/23/2017
There is so much about this video that I inherently do not like. As a Saints fans I find myself annoyed that it features the pure, (literally) unadulterated joy of a Falcons fan. As someone who has attended many emotional games on enemy turf I find myself bothered that it makes light of physically instigating altercations with opposing fans who are minding their own damn business. That said, I'm having a hard time considering this compilation of dairy abuse anything other than a net positive. You see, for as much wrong taking place in this video, there is one very distinct right and that is the choice of target. At the risk of endorsing bullying or - even worse - victim shaming I simply can't consider the Packers' fans that had foam cheese flicked from atop their head anything less than deserving. Maybe it's the fact that the culprit appears to be a relatively young girl. Maybe it's just impossible to be upset at someone for putting their hands on a stranger if they do so while skipping. Whatever the case may be, I can't - in good conscience - side with grown folks donning obnoxious, view altering representations of their city's most prevalent export as an accessory. If you willingly wear a chunk of cheddar on your head then you've basically put a bullseye on your back. Just take a look at the one lady that looked like she was thinking about doing something. I have never seen a less intimidating person in my entire life. The way she was prov-alone in responding to the mild inconvenience of having her cheese block knocked off says all you need to know about her level of self awareness. It's nothing short of completely disingenuous to get mad at the ratty-haired girl you drew the attention of when you are walking around in unfamiliar territory looking like a human mousetrap. I don't like this chick, I don't like her favorite team, and I don't like her inability to keep her hands to herself. That said, I appreciate her taking it upon herself to do the public service of further emasculating Green Bay Packers fans that are less deserving of basic human decency than Aaron Rodgers is of love from his family and friends.
And after all this time, being a DeMarcus Cousins apologist is finally paying off! Granted, one of my guilty pleasures is watching the much maligned Kings' center fall victim to a type of temperament that would make Bobby Knight proud, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy that he's now displaying an ability to show postgame restraint after being on the ass end of awful officiating. I couldn't help but feel like a big brother that was witnessing his younger sibling grow up before his very eyes after blindly brushing off every one of his previous acts of abject immaturity. Now, was Boogie's complimentary acknowledgement of the referees so sarcastic and over-the-top that it nearly made me - someone who prides himself on being sarcastic and over-the-top - uncomfortable? Of course, but that's a step up from flying off the handle by dropping so many expletives that it would make the egregious whistle they were in reference to an afterthought. Some calls are just so shitty that they need to stand on their own. None the least of which is a blatant Dwyane Wade missed dunk that only garnered a foul after he fell to the ground and sat staring up at the basket like someone raised it a couple of inches when he wasn't looking. I didn't think DeMarcus Cousins had it in him to let officials stew in their guilt instead of making it easier for them to blame the victim with his belligerence, but that's exactly what he did by going deadpan in his praise of a couple guys that embarrassed themselves by taking the game right out of his team's hands. P.S. Okay fine, I suppose there's still a little work to be done. Baby steps...
I bet you were feeling pretty good about yourself, weren't you? Friday afternoon. A long work week mere hours from officially being put in the rearview. A weekend that offered a wealth of possibilities on the immediate horizon. The world was your oyster. The world was my oyster. Even the inauguration of a straw-haired buffoon was proof positive that there wasn't anything that was outside the realm of possibility! That is, until you watched a video of a prepubescent ball boy reminding you that every single one of your achievements is worthless by sinking three straight half court shots and getting more collective praise in 90 seconds then you will ever get in your entire goddamn life. Did you hear that roar from the crowd? Better put loop this YouTube before going to bed, because your dreams are the only place in which you'll ever be on the receiving end of a similar reaction. Asher Lucas and his underdeveloped muscles just put you to shame. They just put me to shame. They just put everyone whose athletic career topped out in high school to shame. Feel free to drown that reality check in as many bottles of booze as you want for the next few days, because there's a hell of a lot more than a few extra calories and a damaged liver standing in the way of having an entire collegiate crowd go absolutely bonkers on your behalf.
Some people might say that "achieving" sobriety merely takes a long afternoon on the couch with a couple armfuls of 32 ounce Gatorades and an egregiously large delivery order that's going to haunt your bowels well into the work week. Some people might say the completion of such a "formidable" task shouldn't require the supervision of professionals who are paid to restrain you from poisoning your body and is definitely not worthy of a "he's a changed man!" series of tweets. Some people just don't know how to fucking party. In all seriousness, I just had a friend tell me yesterday - without a hint of sarcasm - that he "gave up alcohol in 2017 for as long as possible" so maybe "resolutions" that would more accurately be described as suggestive, ambiguous humble brags are this year's newest fad. If that's the case then Johnny Manziel's afternoon off the sauce is not only newsworthy, but reason to believe that he'll basically be an NFL MVP candidate as soon as next season. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if 12-14 hours with a BAC that allowed him to legally operate a golf cart without suspicion is any indication then the not-so-borderline alcoholic can do anything he puts his mind to! Of course the "achievement" of sobriety could get stripped away faster than Reggie Bush's Heisman if Johnny Football happens to walk past an open liquor store or catches an inviting dive bar out of the corner of his eye, but you know what they say about empty promises...they leave plenty of room to be fulfilled! — Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) January 20, 2017
Donald Trump:
“Today’s ceremony, however has very special meaning. Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another. But we are transferring power from Washington D.C. and giving it back to you... the people. For too long a small group in our nation’s capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have born the cost. Washington flourished but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered but the jobs left and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs and while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land. That all changes starting right here and right now because this moment is your moment. It belongs to you.” Bane: “We take Gotham from the corrupt! The rich! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity, and we give it back to you... the people. Gotham is yours. None shall interfere. Do as you please. Start by storming Blackgate, and freeing the oppressed! Step forward those who would serve. For and army will be raised. The powerful will be ripped from their decadent nests, and cast out into the cold world that we know and endure. Courts will be convened. Spoils will be enjoyed. Blood will be shed. The police will survive, as they learn to serve true justice. This great city... it will endure. Gotham will survive!” So maybe having the borish, pig-headed leader that at least half the population is downright frightful of include a word-for-word quote from a heartless, villainous character from an extremely popular movie franchise isn't the greatest of Presidential first impressions. I'm not exactly a political savant, but I would think that someone that's trying to get the backing of the American people should have started on a little bit of a lighter note than giving a speech that was eerily reminiscent of that given by a man who blew up an American institution (a fictitious NFL football field) just to get society's attention. For one, it's never a smart idea to go against Batman , but - more importantly - a man that boasts tangerine skin is going to have an ice-to-an-eskimo-esque sell on his hands if he wants to convince people he was molded by the darkness. That said, I am a little impressed. This says a whole hell of a lot about my expectations for Donald Trump, but at least he's modeling himself after a bad guy that had a well thought out plan of attack. If we are being honest, I have spent the months following the election picturing him as more a Dr. Evil reincarnate who would be getting laughed out of the room by the United Nations after making outrageous demands on behalf of his constituents. I suppose it's probably bad news that the President of the United States - whose campaign was based entirely on trolling and empty promises - is literally jotting down notes from an action movie, but hey - at least it shows that he's taking this whole "commander-in-chief" thing seriously enough to invest 2.5 hours into "researching" it. If anything, it's proof that he took a few moments away from creeping through the 'League Of Shadows' hoping to snatch a couple of broads by their genitals to involve himself in the speech writing process. That's got to be considered a step in the right direction.
I think Charles Barkley described it most accurately when he said that Courtney Lee's excuse for the Knicks' loss was just an extremely long winded way of saying "we suck". Obviously Sidney Lowe did a hell of a job of testing the bounds of the sideline, but if the career of Bill Belichick has taught us anything it's the only difference between great coaching and flat out cheating is getting caught. That's not to say the league shouldn't look into the propensity of the Wizards' assistant to play help defense on the perimeter during close games, but it is to say it's a little ridiculous to blame the guy for tricking you off the three point line when he's blatantly standing in your peripheral wearing a suit. I don't know what level of focus is necessary to knock down a game tying jumper in the waning seconds of an NBA game, but something tells me it at least requires the ability to ignore a chubby dude in street clothes and the rolled up play sheet he's waving around. I don't want to tell Courtney Lee how to conduct his postgame interviews but going forward it might not be the worst idea to just say that he thought his teammate had a better look, because that sounds a lot more acceptable than an NBA veteran letting a loud mouth get in his head during the most important possession of the game. I'm fully aware that 90% of the following opinion was probably formed by nothing more than perception, but doesn't it seem like a vast majority of fan engagement that goes horribly wrong generally does so at the expense of really shitty teams? I'm not necessarily blaming the Miami Heat's 12-30 record for some minimum wage staffer's inability to stabilize a door that's a couple untimely falls away from starring in it's very own straight-to-tv horror movie, but I can guarantee you this wouldn't have happened if Dwyane Wade were still around. If the back of that jersey said 'James' instead of 'Whiteside' then we probably aren't shamelessly laughing at a girl that just won a relaxing weekend out of the house and an all-expenses-paid trip to the trainer's table for some concussion protocol. This probably isn't anywhere close to true, but - in my mind - bad teams have apathetic fan bases and apathetic fan bases get "rewarded" with lazily put together promotions. Go watch that clip again and this time focus on how long it takes everyone standing around the court to actually fucking do something to help. If that girl had a hemorrhage in her head she would currently be in worse shape than the clown in 'Billy Madison', because those in charge seemed as interested in tending to her as Pat Riley did in correcting Chris Bosh's blood clot issue. It's almost like they said to themselves "eh, she'll be alright, no one is watching anyway" while they were taking part in an event that uses bells and whistles to actively get people's attention. If that isn't a sign that the entirety of the organization has embraced the tank and gone into full 'fuck it' mode then splitting rent with the Brooklyn Nets at rock bottom of the Eastern Conference certainly is. PuckDaddy- Jake Allen was pulled in a 7-3 loss to the Capitals. Twice. And for the fourth time in his last six starts.
“I don’t know how far it sets him back. There’s a lot going on right now. A lot in his head. He’s locked up mentally, and he’s going to have to fight through this,” said coach Ken Hitchcock. Allen was pulled after allowing two goals on three shots in the first period. Backup Carter Hutton came in for 2 minutes and 22 seconds, and then Allen returned. It’s something Hitchcock has done before to give him goalies a mental break. But then he was forced to completely pull Allen after giving up a fourth goal, 7:33 into the second period. He’s now been pulled in three straight starts. “It went south when it went to 4-1,” said Hitchcock. “We gotta get him unlocked. He’s just locked up right now,” he said. Damn, I'm a little stunned this move didn't work out in the Blues' favor. Who would have thought that making your mentally compromised goaltender leave the net in front of an arena full of fans to serve - what essentially amounted to - a two minute minor for sucking wouldn't settle him down? I don't know where Ken Hitchcock goes from here, but maybe he should try another form of punishment like bending Jake Allen over his knee and giving him three televised whacks on the bum with a wooden spoon and praying that a little impact correction can help beat his act back together against a team as immensely talented as the Washington Capitals. Honestly, it's too bad that the Blues don't keep a chalkboard behind their bench, or Ken Hitchcock could have helped his completely exposed goaltender take his mind off giving up two goals on three shots by writing "I solemnly swear not let 66% of pucks by me" as many times as possible during the commercial break. Making tough decisions as an NHL Head Coach is generally a high risk/high reward proposition, but I can't think of anything that lends itself to a better rate of success than the oft-used therapeutic strategy of throwing hobbled prey to a pack of hungry wolves. If almost immediately putting Jake Allen at risk of getting pulled more than once per start over his last three starts isn't the "key" to "unlocking" the psychological fortress that is keeping from living up to his potential then maybe he St. Louis needs to hire a hypnotist to trick him into thinking the entire opposing team is playing naked. That sounds more plausible then just giving him the remainder of a tough night off... Uproxx- Rondo, who told the Chicago Tribune, “I’ve been preparing to coach since I left Boston, really,” doesn’t just want to coach in the NBA someday like Brandon Roy, but immediately after he’s done, a la Jason Kidd. “That’s the plan. Hopefully I can transition right into it after playing instead of having to sit out or going a different route,” Rondo said. “I know it’s not an easy job. But I respect that this is the highest level of being a coach. If I needed to go an assistant route, I’d do it. But I don’t know if it would need that.” I only have one question for Rajon Rondo here... Why didn't you say so!?!? This basically explains the entirety of his career. He might seem like a much maligned point guard whose league-wide reputation is that he is a bit of a prima donna who is constantly defiant of authority, but that's not the case at all. This whole time he's just been so dedicated to becoming a Head Coach immediately after his playing days are over that he didn't even let them end before he began his attempts at sabotaging his potential predecessors. That's the kind of artful savvy required to man the sidelines in a suit if you ask me. There's only 30 NBA head coaching gigs and the more guys that get canned for having a contentious relationship with their primary ball handler the better the chances that he ultimately takes their place. No wonder he got dismissed during the playoffs by Rick Carlisle. It's not because his work ethic was the only thing shittier than his attitude. It's because someone with that kind of resume knows a person that's gunning for his job when he sees one. I suppose he could have just tried a little harder and developed into a leader on and off the court while playing a position that lends itself towards doing so. However, who is to say the philosophy of burning all your bridges and hoping the men standing on the other side of them get blamed isn't a shortcut as opposed to actually paying your dues and earning a high profile job? Think about it this way, if he keeps up his act in Chicago then by the time the season is over he'll have a hell of a lot of experience being behind the bench. This Reporter That Got Scolded Into Apologizing To Serena Williams Should Find A New Line Of Work1/19/2017
Ooooof. That's embarrassing. I know this comes as a huge surprise, but I actually didn't happen to catch Serena Williams Thursday morning victory over Lucie Sarafova in the second round of the Australian Open. The fact of the matter is that even if I did I probably wouldn't be able to tell you if her performance was subpar considering her own personal standard of excellence and my rudimentary knowledge of high-level tennis. She obviously won so there would be no reason for some random reporter to bring up a perceived abundance of double faults unless it seemed out of the ordinary. Now personally? I don't think I would have been so quick to rain on her parade by implying that she could have played better immediately after she advanced, but I'm also not so sure that an apology is in order after doing nothing more than calling a performance "scrappy". What I am sure of is that submissively acquiescing to the demands of an athlete you're covering like a 3rd grader that just got scolded for rough housing with a classmate is as emasculating as it gets. I mean, even if this guy immediately regretted his wording he should have just stuck to his guns simply so that Serena Williams wasn't able to assert her dominance over him with a response that was basically a mother telling a child to "ask nicely". Honestly, how is that poor bastard ever going to recover from this? Look at the precedent that has just been set. She could put up an absolute stinker her next time out and this dude would be too afraid to do his job and ask a hard hitting question out of fear that the woman whose thighs could crush skulls would smack his hand and say "Hey! what did I tell you?!". I have seen cheap suits that folded less quickly. Maybe his understanding of what took place on the court was a little twisted, but that's not as detrimental to his occupation as having Serena Williams give his flimsy ass backbone scoliosis.
Do I know why the professional hockey coach that most commonly finds himself bothered to the point of incessant bitching by unnecessary, stupid questions decided to tackle one of the most unnecessary, stupid questions that could possibly be asked of a professional hockey coach? I can't say that I do. In fact, I'm flat out stunned that the answer to this 'First Take'-esque inquiry wasn't just a rousing round of expletives that would require all-caps and bold font to be accurately portrayed in print. Honestly, I was almost certain that John Tortorella didn't have the luxury of owning a right side of the bed, but it's pretty clear that he woke on it yesterday morning. After all, he invited a black guy to come play without specifically outlining the ramifications of not standing for the National Anthem prior to doing so. More importantly, he isn't wrong. Of course LeBron James couldn't play hockey. He's a football player...remember?
Forget about his lack of skating ability. We are talking about a 260 pound man who is physically unflappable when he takes time away from his true day job to dominate the NBA as a hobby. To put a man that absorbs contact as well as LeBron on ice would be putting the entirety of the NHL at risk. I hope he doesn't follow through on this random, nonsensical challenge simply because I can't imagine the type of damage he would do to any and all comers after surviving a brush with certain death when Draymond Green went out of his way to lightly bump him at mid-court. If he can get up from that then I can't imagine the type of devastating blows he would deliver in a sport in which he was encouraged to hit. LeBron can't play hockey because he's simply too tough to play hockey, not because he's likely never made it more than an arm's length away from boards with a pair of skates on. Why would a lack of familiarity and reps stop him when he made it as a football player without playing a single down since high school?!
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