Good Thing Useless Skills Always Translate To Professional Success, Because Josh Allen Threw The Ball 50 Yards Off The Crossbar From His Knees
I don't want to make it sound like I'm wishing ill upon someone that's a few months away from taking their first NFL snaps. I don't particularly feel any which way about Josh Allen, but even one more mildly competent quarterback would benefit a league whose current lack of accurate passers is challenged only by their current lack of accurate catch rulings. For that reason, I hope the Cleveland Browns pass on him and he not so coincidentally goes on to have a lengthy, decorated career in the NFL. However, on the even odds that neither of those things happen, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the hilarity of him using hauntingly familiar tactics to wink-wink, nudge-nudge his way up the draft board.
Let's be honest, the only way in which that 50 yard bomb off the crossbar from his knees differs from well-chronicled 60 yard heave that JaMarcus Russell made from his asscheeks is that social media is now around to provide a visual that makes it all the more enticing. Again, I don't want the Wyoming product whose rocket arm is exponentially more impressive than his actual resume to flame out, but if he does then listening to the General Manager who selects him try to explain how he missed so many goddamn warning signs will provide the purest of comic relief.
Whoever ends up taking Josh Allen early in the first round isn't just up against the normal potential pitfalls of committing the next 3-4 years of their franchise to a complete unknown based on nothing more than measurables. They are also up against history, which has told us over-and-over again that choosing to market yourself by way of gimmicky displays of strength that are just as impressive as they are completely useless typically leads to a falseness in advertising.
If JaMarcus Russell isn't a painful enough reminder then let the curious case of Kyle Boller serve as the twisting of the knife. There is a reason these prospects seem too good to be true, and it's because infomercial quarterbacks often lead to buyer's remorse.
Norway's Mixed Doubles Curling Team Wants A Medal Ceremony For The Bronze They Feel Robbed Of By The Russian Doping Scandal
LBS- Norway’s team of Kristin Skaslien and Magnus Nedregotten lost the bronze medal match to the Olympic Athlete from Russia team of Anastasia Bryzgalova and Aleksandr Krushelnitskiy 8-4 at the Gangneung Curling Centre last week. Things changed though after Krushelnitskiy tested positive for banned substance meldonium.
If the Russian team gets stripped of its bronze medal, Nedregotten says he would want to have a medal ceremony before the Games end.
“Knowing that they may have had an advantage against us in our games through cheating feels horrible,” he said, via The Guardian “If he is found guilty, then they’ve robbed us of our moment of glory, receiving our medal in the stadium. That’s not cool. That’s hard to accept, feeling that you’ve been kept out of the light."
“Obviously he is not guilty before he is convicted. But it is confirmed, the preferred option for us would be to receive the bronze medal at some point during the remainder of the Olympics.”
Many have found it humorous that someone would be caught using a banned substance in curling because they wonder how it helps. But Nedregotten believes the substance can help players stay mentally acute and help them recover in between matches. He says sweepers can get sore in between matches, and with a crammed schedule, that could make a big difference.
I want to say that these Norwegians need to find the nearest mirror and do a little self reflection. Even with the non-identified country in question being needle deep in a steroid scandal that cost them the ability to fly their own damn flag during international competition, this juicing allegation of the mixed doubles curler that is formerly known as Russian is far and away the most comical thing to happen at the Olympics. Integrity of the glorified hobby be damned. Referencing soreness caused by sweeping in demanding a pity ceremony for a third place medal that you will have won completely by default would comparatively make Michigan look justified in holding a Championship parade over the weekend to celebrate Louisville's recently vacated NCAA title from 2013. So yeah, I don't think it's crazy to say that most rational competitors would be too proud to accept an honorable mention that meets only the lowest possible bar as a "moment of glory".
Here's the thing though. A lack of self awareness is intrinsic to the existence of curling. It's absence isn't just helpful, but necessary in encouraging people to devote four years of their life (at a time) to intensely crafting their ability to gently push rocks down an icy aisle. If curlers took themselves as seriously as they probably should take themselves then by rule they would be required to have an open beer in hand during gameplay. I actually appreciate these Norwegians for being so invested in stone sliding that they have convinced themselves that a little artificial strength can have a significant effect on it's outcome. It's that type of commitment to the cause that has them, as well as their peers, furrowing their brows as they spend so much time lining up their shot in Canadian shuffleboard that you'd think they were playing American shuffleboard at an old folks home.
So god bless Kristin Skaslien and Magnus Nedregotte. Without them caring far too much about being recognized for their efforts, watching those efforts would be about as intriguing as spectating the last beer pong game of the night.
Taylor Hall's Endorsement Of John Hynes Is The Only One I Need To Consider Him The Right Man For The Job
So, I guess it goes without saying, but this isn't exactly the greatest of looks for the anti-Hynes contingent. To be quite honest, I'm not particularly sure why that contingent even exists considering that the Devils' head coach has consistently gotten a strong effort out of an oft-depleted roster that's ahead of schedule despite being made up largely of young players that have achieved more this year than anyone could have possibly imagined. Regardless, they might want to rethink the planning of their next meeting after having their mission statement shot straight to hell by a player whose blossomed into someone that's legitimately capable of capturing the franchise's first Hart Trophy under the tutelage of their scapegoat. At this point in the rebuild, the Devils will go as far as Taylor Hall can take them, and if you believe anything he said to be true then it's John Hynes that will be sitting shotgun giving directions.
Of course, there's a reason that athletes - no matter how important they may be - don't typically influence staffing decisions. However, when one who knows a dysfunctional locker room better than the back of his hand partially credits his first postseason push to the mutually beneficial relationship that he has maintained with the head coach then it's probably safe to assume that head coach is doing a good job. Especially when that head coach just so happens to be the same guy that has gotten relative consistency out Damon Severson and the rest of an admittedly suspect defense, confidence out of Pavel Zacha, trustworthiness out of multiple teenagers, and significant contributions from role players like Miles Wood, Brian Boyle, Brian Gibbons, and Blake Coleman. Lest not we forget that Will Butcher is a New Jersey Devil - at least in part - because John Hynes is the coach of the New Jersey Devils, and it's tough to think it a coincidence that the latter has gotten the most out of former despite his limited minutes.
As is the case with most coaches, he comes not without flaws, but the fact that John Hynes has gotten the entirety of the team to buy in by pushing all the right buttons at all the right times (See: the overwhelming positivity following the backbreaking loss to Boston that preceded the current 4-game winning streak) more than makes up for the occasional odd lineup decision. The 'New Jersey Devils Vs. Everybody' mantra - by either dumb luck or timely inspiration - has paid dividends, and the coach deserves just as much credit for introducing it as the team does for running up the standings with it. The resilience they've shown in refusing to let a handful of undeserved outcomes derail their season has been impressive, but - with how often trust, accountability, and togetherness has not only been preached but also practiced from the top on down - it's far from a surprise.
Olympic Hockey Players Have Been Advised To Replace Handshakes With Fist Bumps To Avoid Spreading The Norovirus
I truly didn't think I'd witness anything more annoying during the Winter Olympics than Ilya Kovalchuk taking a disproportional amount of pride in running roughshod over a rendition of Team USA that became castrated by the NHL's decision to opt-out of the Olympics. Unfortunately, the undeniable vindication that has played out in favor of both Gary Bettman and the owners is getting pretty close to nipping at its heels.
I hate to say it as much as everyone who has found themselves half-invested in watching second rate talent battle for eternally compromised medals hates to hear it, but the NHL couldn't have hoped for a better result as it pertains to justifying their absence. The dip in ratings that has proven that the IOC should have bucked up the money to make sure that one of the most alluring sports in the Winter Olympics was truly being played between the best-of-the-best held the nail in place, and the fact that their replacements can't even take their gloves without having to worry about leaking from both ends hammered it home.
Now, that doesn't mean that I think the league was worried about anything other than their own bottomline, but the fact that they can legitimate claim they took a calculated safety precaution on behalf of the health of their athletes really puts a muzzle on whatever criticism you'd hope to cast their way. Having all the leverage allowed them to go against the wishes of their players, and a goddamn international norovirus has only strengthened their argument in the pissing (and apparently shitting and puking) contest that is their future involvement in international play.
We're approximately one step away from watching hockey players from all over the world be forced into adapting to South Korean culture by taking the ice for Olympic supremacy in the same type of headwear that you expect to see on an Asian tourist in transit. If that's not a win for the league that surely wanted some reinforcement for their selfish decision to steer clear of a risk-reward that should have theoretically fit their plans for global growth then I don't know what the hell is.
I don't want to make it seem like the kid whose offensive instincts got him selected first overall in the NHL Draft somehow magically discovered his shot in a "ut oh, Happy learned how to putt!" sort of way. For a shooting percentage to undergo a positive regression to the mean it must reach a negative extreme, and that wouldn't be possible if Nico Hischier simply wasn't gripping and ripping the puck on occasion.
What he has found, however, is confidence in said shot, and it's made all the difference in the world in turning him from a solid two-way player to a consistent two-way scorer. Not every tricky release on a wrister that is far more well-placed than overly powerful is going to fool the opposing goalie into looking stupid, so - in all likelihood - his four game scoring streak is just as much of an anomaly as the 8 goals he had in the 55 games prior. Still, it's impossible to watch this set of highlights and not see a much more bolder player than the one that would previously rather have had a tooth pulled than be the slightest bit selfish on an odd-man rush...
Admittedly, those four shots are more memorable because they actually went in, but I'm having hard time recalling a single other significant instance in which Nico Hischier was given the option between shooting and passing and opted for the former without hesitation. Even if you discount the unsustainable way in which it's manifested itself on the scoresheet, the maturation of both the player and his poise are becoming clear as day. That's great news for a team that's maintained a playoff position due in large part to the comfortability of their teenage center whose first line work has steadily been in progress. He's found a knack for scoring goal scorer-type goals, and that should make life exponentially easier for him as a playmaker.
Bill Polian Said Lamar Jackson Is "Too Short" To Play Quarterback In An Unsubstantiated Endorsement Of Him As A Wide Receiver
YardBarker- Speaking about Jackson during a segment on ESPN, Polian said Jackson doesn’t have the frame or raw passing ability to become a successful NFL passer.
“I think wide receiver,” Polian said. “Exceptional athelete, exceptional ability to make you miss, exceptional acceleration, exceptional instinct with the ball in his hand and that’s rare for wide receivers. That’s [Antonio Brown], and who else? Name me another one, Julio [Jones is] not even like that.”
“Short and a little bit slight,” Polian said of Jackson. “Clearly, clearly not the thrower that the other guys are. The accuracy isn’t there.”
Calling this particular prospect "too short" to play quarterback is only more factually incorrect than it is casually prejudice. That said, I can totally see how that cliched critique snuck it's way into the scouting report from a senile old man whose days benefiting from the luck of the Peyton Manning draft are long over. At 6'3 and 210 pounds, Lamar Jackson might not be diminutive by any standard other than that of LeBron James, but he is very fast, insanely athletic, and super African American. When it comes to taking the stance that a Heisman Trophy winning passer should just up and switch to an entirely different position on a whim prior to attempting a single throw at the combine, three out of four ain't all that bad.
After all, there's only a finite amount of conclusions that can be drawn from looking at a player instead of actually watching them play. It just so happens that Bill Polian got his racially charged buzzwords mixed up. He's so used to referring to a lack of height as a measurable that foreshadows failure under center that he just instinctively associated it a player that he's blindly deemed unqualified to play quarterback for a much more antiquated reason. Hell, you can even make the argument that Bill Polian - for the first time in a long time - doesn't see color, because shortness of stature is generally a boilerplate weakness for white passers. You'd easily lose that argument seeing as he was clearly just throwing a bunch of unoriginal and overdone shortcomings at the wall in hopes that a couple would stick, but if - for some reason - you really wanted to make him out to be something other than everything that's wrong with the draft process then that's what I would go with.
Fergie's Explanation For Her Gag-Worthy Rendition Of The National Anthem Is That She's A Country Lovin' Risk Taker
Well, when you put it like that, it's hard to think of a legitimate reason why the artist that voluntarily decided to go by the name Fergie wouldn't turn the Star Spangled Banner into a cringeworthy display of glorified syllable pronunciation. After all, she's a risk taker, and if there's anything that we've learned about this country the last 18 months, it's that risks taken during the singing of the National Anthem are almost unanimously met with compassion, understanding, and an open mind.
No, but seriously. If Colin Kaepernick and the like "disrespected the flag" when they knelt in honor of unjustly murdered African Americans then I shudder to think what law of Patriotism was broken by Fergie dishonorably murdering the eardrums of a viewing audience. Comparatively speaking, pledging artistic license in your Robert Durst-esque dismemberment of a commemorative song has to be considered such an egregious act of treason that it would have Paul Manafort Russian to her defense. Remixing the National Anthem is like repainting the Mona Lisa. While I personally don't think either of them are flawless, it's pretty clear that the vast majority of society has agreed to pretend they are for the sake of familiarity.
So let's just put the chips on the table here. Grammy's be damned, because Fergie is more qualified as an asshole than she is as an artist. Look at it the following way. The mark of a great artist is having no limits. The mark of a good artist is knowing their limits. The mark of a shitty artist is using the notoriety gained from referring to something as beautiful as a woman's curves as "lady lumps" to justify the decision to deafly ignore the limitations of intact mirrors. I want to give her credit for uniting the entire nation through laughter and mockery, but this isn't Fergie's first rodeo when it comes to orally crapping out a rendition of the National Anthem that, in the moment, made me wonder what vocal stylings Afghanistan has to offer. Ignorance nor artistry are valid excuses for someone who is now a repeat offender of being a tone-deaf asshole...
P.S. The internet wins again...
The Taylor Hall Trade Has Become So Absurdly Lopsided That It Has 'Hockey Night Punjabi' Speaking My Language
As someone who is only bilingual in the sense that I can say "bye" (and "hi") in a language other than my own, I'm not at liberty to translate exactly what was said by a presumedly critical anchor for Hockey Night Punjabi. Luckily, the beauty of common sense is that in the most obvious of cases it knows not a dialect barrier, and the results of the one-for-one swap that - with all due respect to Adam Larsson - was always known as the 'Taylor Hall trade' have only become more and more transcendent of culture and opinion with each passing day. So no, I may not be able tell you what my favorite line of a seemingly thorough takedown of the Edmonton Oilers was, but that's only because I can almost guarantee that I wholeheartedly agree with all of them.
If I had to guess, I'd say there was probably something in there about a laughably underachieving team that's now short of speed on the wings selling low on someone whose transition into one of the most dynamic and versatile forwards in the sport wasn't exactly unforeseen. There was likely a mention that, despite a region-wide scapegoating, the player in question wasn't "the problem" when they shipped him out of town for a high-end second-pairing defenseman whose value - through no fault of his own - has exponentially decreased relative to that of the person he'll forever be linked to. Maybe I'm giving him too much credit, but given the length of the rant, I'm inclined to believe he even addressed the alleged "lack of leadership" shown by someone that's now dominating on a nightly basis while spending most of those nights alongside two teenagers.
Unfortunately, I can't say whether or not this upstanding employee of Hockey Night Punjabi adheres to the NHL's definition of a "scoring streak" or if he recognizes the entirety of 18 (and counting) straight games with a point, but I can confidently say he's well aware of how masterful with the brush Taylor Hall has been in painting New Jersey's playoff picture. I don't care if he only did so to take a big fat dump on the organization that's currently wasting one of the prime years of Connor McDavid. By way of international spite, Bhupinder Handal almost assuredly spoke of the Devils' undeniable MVP's outside shot at the Hart Trophy as if it were inside the realm of possibility, and that's how you speak my language.
Taylor Hall straight up for Adam Larsson was initially a tough sell locally, but now that the sun has set on last season's honeymoon period, it's become more impossible to sell globally than the Presidency of Donald Trump. Don't believe me? Then believe the two minute critique that you didn't even have to understand to interpret. Don't need the closed captions to get a read on that story, and that's before the main character wrote yet another chapter...
Devante Smith-Pelly Did Not Take Kindly To The Racially Charged Taunting He Was Targeted By While In The Penalty Box, But Who Can Blame Him?
If we are judging on the scale of racial insensitivity where a '10' is the N-word and a '1' is an presumed affinity for watermelon, a "basketball" chant towards a black NHLer probably falls somewhere in the middle as moderately inexcusable. Unfortunately, looking at the obvious targeting of a minority in such a comparative way makes it far easier for people to dismiss this particular incident as something less significant than an undeniable sign that hockey's aura is still that of repressed whiteness.
Whether it be the tone-deaf hiring of Confederate crooner Kid Rock to "bless" the All Star Game with his antiquated anthems, reminders that 'Hockey Is For Everyone' that - while overwhelmingly positive in nature - have become so incessant that you'd think the NHL was trying to convince itself, overdone criticisms of P.K. Subban that almost exclusively reek of cultural bias, or yet another racially charged incident between a player and "fans". You can bet your ass that Devante Smith-Pelly's aggressive reaction to a group of (likely drunken) jackasses was only aided in vitriol by the fact that he still doesn't feel wholly embraced by the NHL community in the year 2018.
As sad as it is, it's almost a certainty that DSP has been the victim of far worse than a call for basketball while doing his maturing on a rink as opposed to a court, but it's nothing less than infuriating that a directive aimed at equality has only resulted in a relative improvement in regards to racism. Stereotypes do exist for a reason, but that reason isn't so that they can be appropriated as malicious insults towards those that break their generally inflammatory mold. Four unruly fans don't make for a legitimate indictment of an entire sport, but their comfortability in being discriminatory in a public place with cameras present doesn't exactly speak glowingly of the culture surrounding said sport. Especially since it rears it's ugly head in a way that's disproportional to the growing amount of non-white players currently employed by it's most preeminent league.
The NHL, as well as both franchises involved, said all the right things in reference to inclusiveness, but apparently we've still got a ways to go until they undo decades of exclusiveness that are still sporadically being contributed to...
It Probably Could Have Been Worse, But The NHL Made The Right Call In Issuing Miles Wood A 2-Game Suspension
If that hit were delivered by anyone other than Miles Wood, I might be singing a very different tune in regards to how many unpaid games off it was deserving of. I say that not only because this is the first time he's drawn the ire of the Department of Player Safety, but also because the endless ball of energy that the Devils' roster as a middle-6 winger is basically the NHL equivalent of a golden retriever that just heard the front door to a house with newly polished hardwood floors crack open. If his biggest assets are his speed and physicality then his biggest liabilities are his inability to harness that speed and physicality.
Having the instincts of an excitable labrador doesn't allow for him to be held less accountable when he torpedoes himself into the numbers of a defenseless opponent who somewhat miraculously peeled himself off the ice to continue playing. However, I can say with relative confidence - and I admit this will sound stupid to those unfamiliar with his game - that Miles Wood didn't have evil intentions when he tried to put a vulnerable player through the boards before splitting open the face of the teammate that came to the defense of his victim. Miles Wood has a tendency to forget how big, fast, and strong he is. That absent-mindedness was probably as guilty for what was undeniably an incredibly ugly display as anything else.
So, in sticking with what I find to be an incredibly fitting analogy, a two-game suspension that gives him time to absorb the teachings of obedience school should prove as effective as a rolled up newspaper to the snout. As is usually the case in these situations, you could definitely argue that it was deserving of more, but - keeping in mind that Namestnikov got up fairly unscathed - I'd argue that a couple games for something that was mostly the result of him thinking less was pretty fair.
Also, huge shoutout to the consistent inconsistency of NHL officiating. In no world should that sequence have been deemed punishable by anything less than a 5 minute major and a game misconduct that would have served as a death blow against a team as dynamic as Tampa Bay. Instead, both the hit and the botched facial reconstructive surgery that followed left the Devils shorthanded for no more than two minutes...
...and allowed for Miles Wood to come back and redeem his abject stupidity with a game-winning goal...
The Lightning should definitely feel as though they are owed an apology after the way in which the game played out, but - as the Devils have learned far, far too many times this season - it's not their job to offer it up...
A funny thing happened last night. I was sitting there watching a 1-1 game between the Devils and Hurricanes when all the sudden the non-stop activity of Stefan Noesen caught my eye. But wait, because - seeing as he's a fairly workmanlike player - that's not even the weird part. You see, just seconds later, before I could even had the chance to foreshadow his fortune by way of social media, it was his forecheck that resulted in a fairly harmless shot on net that - by the grace of the hockey gods - was left sitting inches from the goal line as if the person who received it had inserted "Scott Darling's kitchen" as the shipping address on Amazon Prime...
In retrospect, maybe it doesn't seem all that strange that a noticeably energetic shift resulted in a goal against a struggling goaltender, but the Devils' inability to make their own puck luck - despite their best efforts - has played a massive part in their struggles as of late.
Now, regardless of prying open and maintaining a three goal lead that allowed their fans to breathe an in-game sigh of relief for the first time in 2018, they didn't even come close to playing as complete a game in victory as they have in some of their recent defeats. However, if yesterday's much needed win over the eternally annoying Hurricanes was even a small sign of serendipity to come and Keith Kinkaid can continue providing the occasional timely stop then the 'New Jersey Devils Vs. Everybody' isn't nearly as much of a handicapped match as it was when the world seemed to be against them.
As for Nico Hischier, it's not only his constant improvement that leaves me with a shit-eating grin on my face, but also how expedited that improvement will become when he's carrying ten more pounds of muscle and a full year of experience. Whether it be his innate ability to slip the grasp of opponents, his willingness to go to the tough areas of the ice, or the ease with which he can turn defense to offense (all which he displayed last night), the kid is hockey-wise beyond his years. As dependable as he's been all season, that trait is starting to show itself more and more frequently.
It's fairly ridiculous that a teenager who was immediately thrown into the fire of first line duties has maintained a flame retardant confidence that's apparently harder to shake than the defense of Justin Faulk. With someone having finally convinced him that selfishness isn't always a bad thing, there's no telling what new tricks he might learn down the stretch. What is for certain is that the Devils are going to need see every one of them from a rookie whose skillset is somehow highlighted by a veteran-like savvy.
Perspective is something that has become so rare in the ever-turning and self-important world of sports. For that reason, you just never know where you might stumble across it. To be honest, I didn't even know I needed context to realize exactly how piss poor a professional football team has to be to collect one win in two seasons, but the only thing more surprising than someone fully dilating my eyes to the complete and total incompetence required for 1-31 is who that someone happened to be.
RG3. By way of a snarky fan, the Cleveland Browns got buried by RG3. The same RG3 that went from Heisman winner - to - NFL 'Rookie Of The Year' - to - locker room outcast - to - arrogant All Star in the 'Over 40' league at the local YMCA...
...to self-promoting his waning NFL eligibility in the same way that a highly inefficient Island-dweller might try to shake free from sustenance...
I thought I had an idea of the extent of the Cleveland Browns' ineptitude. That is, until I saw the upper hand of someone that feels like he's been out of the league for 3-4 years come rifling across the face of the entirety of a professional organization. RG3 can still technically claim that a team hasn't been the same since he left, and not mean it in a sarcastic or self deprecating way. The guy whose better as a punchline than as a passer just went all-in and flipped over the trump card on an NFL franchise, and - for that reason alone - their record alone doesn't do their dreadfulness justice.
Here's the thing, I don't want to discourage officials from doing everything in their power - or core strength, for that matter - to make the correct call. The NHL already does plenty of that by enforcing a set of rules that's somehow both oddly specific and ridiculously ambiguous.
That's why, in theory, it was nice to see a referee do parkour in hopes of upholding the integrity of the game. Unfortunately, in execution, it was about as fruitless a feat as trying to do your cursive homework from the last row of the bus. Not to discount what was a fairly impressive showing of athleticism, but - much like the eye test required to see a puck through a seven person pileup - the one thing calisthenics don't do is make multitasking any easier. Balancing the weight of your body a top a net amidst absolute chaos is a cool skill, but - as it pertains to the profession of officiating hockey - it's about as useless on the rink as the ability to palm a basketball. I might not know this to be true, but I'm fairly certain no one has ever gotten halfway through the monkey bars only to stop and wonder 'Where's Waldo?'.
I'm all for showmanship, but this dude might as well be the loudest grunter in your local gym, because that shameless showing of fitness was fitting of a person who can't so much as point you in the direction of the beach without flexing. Like, we get it bro, you work out, but getting in the crunches necessary to superman the net doesn't give you the superhuman focus required to spot a needle in a haystack while doing so. The NHL hasn't exactly served as the best example, but - hypothetically - that's what the dozens of multi-angled HD cameras and video replay are for.
One Of Fox News' Resident Racists Told LeBron James And Kevin Durant To "Shut Up And Dribble" Because She Didn't Like Their Take On Donald Trump
Welp, when you're right...you're right, and they simply don't get any further right than Tomi Lahren's wicked, horse-faced stepmother Laura Ingraham. She might wrong about LeBron James leaving high school early - which he quite obviously didn't - and be completely ignorant to the most intrinsic values of free speech, but when it comes to making her opposition's point for them, this bigoted bitch couldn't have been anymore spot on!
While the first question that comes to the mind of anyone with a soul is "who's this they you are referring to you trifling trout-mouth of a political pollutant?", I suggest that instead of asking it we silently pull over on the road to understanding to get lectured by the head officer of the grammar police. Ironically, as condescending as the racial overtones of "shut up and dribble" happen to be, it's actually not the worst advice I've ever heard. As citizens of a free country they certainly aren't legally required to, but - if they so choose - LeBron James and Kevin Durant can feel free to focus on basketball knowing full well that Laura Ingraham is doing a fine job of making Donald Trump look like a divisive dolt with her own discriminatory drivel.
So take heed to the cautionary tale of a kid who came from nothing to shoot to the peak of his profession while further monetizing his transcendent talents through a wide variety of business ventures. After all, he used the wrong tense of a word or two in frustratingly telling an obvious truth. Therefore, he must not be educationally inclined to speak on the oft-bankrupt billionaire who was raised off silver spoon-fed bullshit.
An Arizona Cheerleader Got Tossed For Talking Trash, And I'm Ready To Reconvene On The "Is It A Sport?" Debate
It's about damn time that undying optimism and those relentless vocal chords were used for something other than white noise! Personally, I've never questioned the athleticism of cheerleaders - of their gender - out of fear that they might respond by challenging me to do a split or hold up another human being with nothing more than my palm. I have, however, taken umbrage with the idea that something can be considered a sport when there's typically not a winner or loser.
That said, while this megaphone-toting Wildcats enthusiast might not have physically been out there contributing anything to a final score, he was giving his team a mental edge by drawing the ire of the officials, chirping members of the opposition by name, and becoming a galvanizing force by which the team could rally around. Nothing provides a shot in the arm to the active roster quite like a good old fashioned, principled ejection, especially when it doesn't - in any way - deplete the active roster.
I'm still not ready to call cheerleading a sport, but the counterargument just got a little bit stronger. If the participants are going to become noticeably invested in them in a way that gets under the skin of those who are actually out there competing then it's undeniably sports-adjacent...and not just because they tend to spell out their cliched chants court side.
“Double-twisting double summersault. Not a massive degree of difficulty. Very nicely done, great control. Very Chinese. They all look the same. Very hard to tell who’s who.”
As someone that takes a perverse sense of pleasure in awkwardness being brought to me live and in living color, I must say that the Olympics have been virtual treasure trove of people talking themselves into trouble. It feels like every other day there's either a cultural or semantical misunderstanding that needs to be addressed, and nothing - and I mean nothing - encapsulates that quite like a broadcaster dropping the one line you must steer clear of when talking about Asian athletes. Like, whatever notes Jacqui Cooper was keeping on the event should have had "don't talk about the visual similarities of the Chinese" written in Sharpie and underlined 6-8 times. I'm sure her analysis was only more accurate than it it was innocent, but the fact that she confidently and unapologetically dropped a "they all look the same" is not only hilarious, but it's also so perfectly representative of just how difficult it is to avoid misspeaking amongst the most mixed of company.
The only thing that could have sounded worse on initial listen would have been if she made mention of some sort of inherent limitation of eyesight. Poor lady did her due diligence into the training techniques of every country she was covering and all it got her was tentatively labeled a simple-minded racist. If that's not a sign that no broadcaster - from the most ignorant to the most educated - is totally safe from the tangled web of words that is the English language then I don't know what the hell is.
Out of respect for a game that can be plenty violent and dangerous on its own accord, you probably shouldn't ever add to that by firing vulcanized rubber in the direction of an unsuspecting opponent. That however, isn't my biggest gripe with Charles Hudon venting his frustrations by way of errant, high speed projectile. Rather, my biggest problem with the Canadiens forward using the puck as a grievance mechanism is that he waited until both teams were halfway to the locker room before doing so.
The Montreal Canadiens scored all of zero goals yesterday. The Canadiens rookie in question took four shots on net and all of none of them went into said net. You mean to tell me he couldn't have spared one of those limp-wristed attempts on the torso of the defenseman he clearly had it out for during the course of gameplay? If you're not going to score then you might as well add an air of inconspicuousness to your childish bullshit, and that vindictiveness was less veiled than anything you'd find in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Help us help you Charles. Give us any reason to believe your intentions were anything other than malicious. By waiting until everyone else on the rink was casually gliding around as engaged as a billionaire bachelor while an obnoxiously loud horn was resonating throughout the building you did the exact opposite of passing the puck to ambiguity. Dickheads can sometimes give the NHL a little character, but being a dickhead before the outcome has officially been decided is key to making it look like you're actually trying to make a difference.
Rajon Rondo And Isaiah Thomas Got Tossed From Last Night's Pelicans/Lakers Game After Getting Into It Over The Now Infamously Unplayed Tribute Video
RR- "You didn't even deserve a tribute!"
IT- "Well, that's fine, because I didn't get a tribute!"
RR- "But you wanted one!"
IT- "But I was the one that said I didn't want one!"
RR- "But your thought about wanting one!"
IT- "Don't you tell me what I thought!"
RR- "Psssh, You weren't even a real Celtic anyway..."
IT- "HA! Ray Allen meant more to that banner than you and your broken ass jump shot!"
RR- "Whatever midget."
IT- "Who you talking about old E.T. lookin' head ass!"
RR- ::bitch slap::
IT- ::hair pull::
RR- ::hair pull::
IT- ::bitch slap::
Seriously though, have we really reached a place where the whining surrounding a hypothetical tribute video is going to end up being more memorable than the season-long performance that it would have attributed? Like, of all the NBA storylines to achieve immortality, the legend of the lost tape that is a 30 second tip-of-the-cap to a couple larger-than-life playoff series is the one that could outlive a cockroach? And all because Paul Pierce wanted the party that LeBron James crashed anyway to be all about him and no one but him?
Jeez, the pettiness truly knows no bounds if two guys whose affiliation with one another is nothing more than playing for the same organization at far different times are getting tossed from games for bickering about exactly how much respect is owed to them by the organization that neither one of them is still a part of it. That pissing contest was basically a consolation game, because the Boston Celtics have moved on to both bigger and better things at the point guard position. I hate to say this to two professional athletes that just got into the type of scrap you'd expect to see in a high school cafeteria, but - in the battle of the exes - nobody wins. Especially when what the exes are battling over is something as stupid and unfulfilling as unplayed tribute video.
Bode Miller Implied That Marriage May Have Affected An Olympic Skier's Performance, And He's Probably Never Been More Accurate
You know, when I first saw that Bode Miller - of 60 Minutes, "if you ever tried to ski when you're wasted, it's not easy!" fame - was trying to soften the blow of something he said on a broadcast, I thought I was going to be treated to at least a mild controversy. I'm honestly a little disappointed, because the only thing questionable about that unorthodox analysis was who it could have possibly offended.
I know for a fact that it's not married people, because those with a ring on their finger are always the first to bitch about the trials and tribulations that are attached to it. Never mind putting in the amount of work necessary to compete in a solo high speed sport against the best of the best from around the entire globe, do you know what else becomes more difficult when every aspect of your life becomes entangled with that of another? Literally everything. Considering that relationship weight is a very real thing, I would say the hurdle that is making the most of your gym membership becomes higher upon the consummation of a legal partnership, so what - are we to pretend that reaching the peak of your athletic potential as an all-world athlete is any different? It's common knowledge that taking shit in your own bathroom requires more of a thought process when you're sharing it with someone else, but we're going to act like there's nothing about a recently shared residency that could stand in the way of someone making the most of themselves as an Olympian?
I certainly wouldn't say it's her husband's fault that she underperformed as anything other than a joke - just like Bode Miller did - but I'd argue the institution of marriage as a whole probably made that clock tick as fast as the biological one she was trying to beat. The term "ball and chain" is typically used tongue-in-cheek, but every sarcastic figure of speech contains at least a little bit of truth and I would imagine even the most lightweight of shackle is enough to slightly slow down your slalom. Equating her recently altered marital status to her performance on the slopes might be socially frowned upon, but so is voicing your frustration with your significant other outside of your marriage and people do that all the goddamn time.
Saying that a wedding - one that took extensive planning, mind you - didn't negatively affect Anna Veith's skiing is just as disingenuous as me arguing that the selfish and self-involved life of a single male is super stressful. The Hallmark holiday that was underway when he said this is proof positive that the only thing that's more high maintenance than tinkering with a top-end skill so as to take fractions of a second off the time it takes you to maneuver down the steepest of icy declines is eternal love. Hell, even the drunk dude on the mountain knows that.
In Their War Against Everybody, The Devils Finally Toughed Out A Much Needed Battle Against The Flyers
Admittedly, it's unoriginal and over-adopted, but as derivative as the "_________ Vs. Everybody" mantra is, I can't think of a team that's currently more filling of that blank than the New Jersey Devils.
Other than it ending in victory, last night's game against the Flyers was much like many in what's been a frustrating stretch of bad luck and worse losses. The bounces didn't go their way, as evidenced by the two goals that redirected off them into their own net. The officiating didn't go their way, as evidenced by the uncalled high stick that drew blood that was closely followed by an absolute ghost of a penalty that was shamelessly drawn by Gostisbehere. The bumps and bruises didn't go their way, as evidenced by Taylor Hall spending a vast majority of the second period in concussion protocol. Hell, even their own style of play didn't go their way, as it seemed as though Keith Kinkaid might never be able to save his team from falling victim to what felt like the 41st stretch pass that Travis Konecny has received while streaking down the right side of the ice into the Devils' zone in 2018.
Now, every team - at one point or another - has to work harder for their puck luck, kill off shitty penalties, battle through uncalled penalties, overcome injuries, accept the fate of the fickle video replay, and absorb the self-inflicted blows that result from playing the best competition that the hockey world has to offer on a bi-weekly basis. The difference between those teams and the one that has - albeit dramatically - declared war on "the world" in the hunt for a playoff spot is that it seems as though all those factors are working against the Devils on every given night.
Throughout the last month it feels like they have needed to fight for every inch while their opponents have frequently been collecting foot after foot of undeserved slack. Even in what ended up being a come-from-behind shootout win over a division rival, New Jersey had created more than enough opportunities to tie it before Taylor Hall broke the spell and stopped the leaking with a rebound roof job. Point being, taking on "everybody" might be a bit excessive since occasionally their most daunting opponent is themselves, but - considering almost all of their underlying numbers have been better than they were in the beginning of the season - it feels like the house is rolling weighted dice at their expense.
If embracing just how often the odds have mistakenly blown their whistle, or obliviously turned their head during a scrum, or been 1/12th of an inch offsides, or blindly viewed a video replay, or bounced over their stick, or almost maliciously taunted physics, or tripped important players onto the IR, or mockingly rung off the post is what it takes for this team to throw caution to the unrelenting wind and continue to pick up traction in the postseason race then I'll gladly support an overdone cause. 'Devils Vs. Everybody', if only because nobody will feel bad for them if their hot start gets iced into a cold finish by factors that are outside of their control.
One battle down, 26 more to go. Given the way things have been going, to expect them to get any easier would be a fool's errand.
If you've still only got one foot on board the 'Taylor Hall for Hart Trophy' train then I suggest you take the leap because - with the way he's been playing - there might not be another stop in the near future. If not because he managed to post the following numbers along with these two goals while playing only two and a quarter periods in his 15th straight game with a point...
...then because his teammates, themselves, were quick to admit how much of their weight he's been carrying on a nightly basis all year...
There's honestly too many complimentary things that need to be said about what he's been able to accomplish while showing the ropes to the two teenagers he's spent a majority of his ice time playing alongside, so instead I leave you with an objectively hilarious joke...
"The trade is one for one."