 Love it. Absolutely love it. Danny Dekeyser may have misguided a puck right into his own damn net due to a complete and total whiff, but really - it wasn’t even his fault. No sir. That hilarious lowlight was just an example of the percentages working themselves out. You think the Tampa Bay Lightning spent all that damn time taking bad angled shots during practice because they didn’t expect an opponent to slam home a poorly played rebound for them? “Anything can happen when you throw the puck on net“ isn’t just some empty phrase that coaches use to inspire teams that are having a hard time creating actual scoring chances, it’s a legitimate strategy that’s guaranteed to work 12% of the time, every time. Danny Dekeyser wasn’t a victim of his questionable hand-eye coordination, he was the victim of a flawless game plan. Your first instinct might be to laugh at the guy whose mistake basically encapsulated the Red Wings first non-playoff season in a quarter of a century, but you really should be applauding the team that made his ill-timed one-timer possible by following the long ballyhooed philosophy of throwing a lot of shit against the wall and hoping some miraculously sticks.
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Would You Believe That The Real Reason Colin Kaepernick Doesn’t Have A Job Is Because He’s Vegan?!?!3/31/2017 
Whew, what a relief! I probably shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that rich and powerful white men were using their riches and power to withhold a job from a deserving quarterback due to the fact that the timing of his equality-driven activism made them uncomfortable. I guess I owe the people that mentioned Colin Kaepernick in the same breathe as Rae Carruth (the former football player that had his pregnant wife murdered) an apology, because it’s pretty clear his perceived protein deficiency is a bigger deal breaker than his perceived lack of respect for the troops, this country, its flag, and the National Anthem. Tough to argue with that vetting process. If you can dodge a wrench then you can dodge a ball, and if you can digest a 16 ounce porterhouse then you can digest an NFL playbook. I honestly can’t believe I overlooked a former Super Bowl quarterback’s most obvious flaw while assuming that his prospective employers were just refusing to take the interruption of their precious Patriotism sitting down. Colin Kaepernick is…dun-dun-dun…too healthy to play in the NFL! The signal caller whose style is predicated on athleticism is too careful about what he puts in his body! In retrospect, I feel pretty stupid for thinking NFL GM’s would let their “hatred” - their word, not mine - get in the way of making an acquisition that could help their team. I was placing in blame in all the wrong places! After all, If Colin Kaepernick really cared about his career then he would have paid $200+ to get his hands on Tom Brady’s strict nutritional plan that surely reads like a menu at ‘Outback Steakhouse’. I can’t help but think that he owes me - and everyone else that argued on his behalf - an apology for playing the victim while actively sabotaging his potential by lowering his cholesterol. P.S. Is there anything more cowardly than hiding behind an excuse as stupid as a professional athlete’s ultra-clean diet instead of having the balls to own up to something that looks more and more like a blacklisting every single time an NFL owner anonymously (of course) speaks up? To give you my much belated answer to the title - yeah, me either. 
I have a question. Is this standard protocol? I kinda figured that my strategy of flipping the fuck out when confronted with more than one stinger wasn't exactly by the book, but is "stop, drop, and pray" something that's actually taught? Even if it is, I admire the calmness with which the Padres and Rockies stuck to it. A bunch of grown men laying on their stomachs to avoid insects is a funny visual, but not nearly as hilarious as the frantic sprint I would have engaged in if presented with the same situation. I don't know if the camera makes it look worse than it was but - based on my rough estimation - there were about six billion bees on that field, and they would have had me running with the elegance of the first dead white girl in a horror flick. I'm not even kidding. That pitcher must have nerves of steel, because if I were him I have hopped the outfield fence and went full 'Forrest Gump" all the way back to San Diego. The end of spring training could suck my dick if meant falling victim to a scene out of a low budget movie with a shitty plot. Patrik Elias Has Officially Retired The Entirety Of The New Jersey Devils’ Illustrious Past3/31/2017 
Trust me, I know how overly dramatic the following is going to read. Fortunately, with the final and most underrated connection to the Devils’ glory days having officially called it a - potentially ‘Hall Of Fame’ - career, I just don’t give a shit. The retirement of Patrik Elias feels like the passing of a lifelong friend that finally conceded his fight with father time. It’s worthy of just as much relief as it is mourning. He may have gone relatively silent into the night when he potted a meaningless goal in the dying seconds of the otherwise unimportant game, but it really was the most fulfilling finale possible. I think I speak for a majority of Devils’ fans when I say that no one was ready to pull the plug on the potential return of New Jersey’s all-time leading scorer, but - ultimately - he probably laid his skates to rest with the perfect timing you'd expect from the guy whose no-look, backhand pass initially made him a Stanley Cup champion. I have very little doubt that Patrik Elias could still contribute to a lineup that is - to put nicely - void of his skill set, but the risk of him becoming an annual, late season novelty/storyline as opposed to the consummate teammate he’s always been just never seemed like it would have been worth it. Simply put? As it pertains to the legacy of a player that was instrumental in making the only franchise that he’s ever known as proud and successful as it is, there was nothing good that was to come over the next year. That visual of him embracing teammates that were watching cartoons while he was raising banners and putting the down payment on his eventual home in the ‘Prudential Center’ rafters provided the picturesque farewell that fans of any aging player on an incompetent team would kill for. This was the right time for him to go out, no matter how selfishly we wanted him to continue battling the rigors of age, injury, and fleeting interest in honor of nothing more than nostalgia. Of course I am sad that Patrik Elias’ career is over, but I truly couldn’t be happier that it happened. There’s no amount of fan appreciation that can fully repay the soft spoken scorer of an oft-defensive minded team for his decades of selfless service in creating a wealth of unforgettable memories, but I’ll be damned if our best attempt at reimbursement doesn’t feel like a long time coming. That final skate is gonna touch on all the feels, and when it's over it will inevitably give #3, #4, #27 and #30 the offense they've been desperately looking to add to what will be one of the most formidable 5-somes in NHL history.
Thank you, Patty. For all this, and so, so, so much more...
Annnnnnnd LaVar Ball just took off to the bedroom and conceived the 4th sponsored representative of the 'Big Baller Brand'. Seriously, nothing could get him harder than watching LeBron James take aim at the unorthodox intricacies of his son's game made him as proud of himself as he's ever been, and he's a guy that's always obnoxiously proud of himself for no apparent reason. The crazy thing is that I can't even blame him. You think LeBron James targets just anyone with his late season aggressive passiveness? Lonzo Ball just joined elite company. Two years ago it was subtweeting Kevin Love. Last year it was arguing the word-for-word definition of the term "valuable" when someone other than him was set to be voted the unanimous MVP. This year it's mocking the shooting stroke of the kid whose overbearing father has kept him in the news circuit. There's nothing LeBron hates more then all eyes being on someone other than him, so a seemingly unprovoked shot at a kid who hasn't played a single minute of NBA basketball is proof positive that Lonzo Ball (and more so his idiot father) has become a relevant story without playing a single minute of NBA basketball. The 'King' of being as subtle as a brick to the forehead while being as transparent as the lace panties you'd swear he's wearing when he gets jelly of the attention that others are getting will undoubtedly moonwalk this back faster than MJ in his heyday. There's no doubt he'll deny doing what he quite obviously did. However, make no mistake, this petty act of mimicry was unintentionally an admission that LaVar Ball was successful in what he was trying to do - which was get his kid an amount of attention that even the best basketball player in the world would be jealous of, by any disingenuous means necessary. The San Francisco Giants Have A Golden Urinal That Gets Awarded To The Team's Most Hydrated Player3/30/2017 
Mercury- “An area we’re really focused on is hydration. And one of the ways we check players’ hydration daily is through what’s called USG — a urine specific gravity machine,” [sports science specialist Geoff] Head explains.
The Giants value these readings so much that they’ve turned urination into a competition. To be eligible to win the coveted Hydration Domination contest, players must post their best scores before batting practice. The best hydrated player after each series wins an award shaped like a golden urinal. Think of it as the M-V-Pee trophy. ------ It's not fair. It's just not fair. While I think it's hilarious that the entirety of an MLB team is being motivated to down water by the gallon in hopes of being awarded a trophy that reads "I Piss Excellence", it's simply yet another advantage that professional athletes have over the rest of us. Superior talent, seemingly unlimited money, fancy cars, all the girls, and full blown peeing contests - where does it end?!?! Honestly though, can you imagine how much more enjoyable everyone's work environment would be if they were encouraged to go to the bathroom instead of being shamed for it? All anyone ever wants from their boss (other than more money) is a "good job", and pro ball players are getting that for nothing more than taking moan inducing bladder clearers that could probably wake the neighbors. I know that hydration is essential to avoiding injury when participating in athletics, but it's also kind of essential in avoiding homicidal thoughts about your co-workers while participating in workplace survival. I think every office should hand out golden urinals. Spending a lot of time in the bathroom may not bode well for productivity, but it definitely bodes well for peace of mind. Plus, drinking the amount necessary to need an hourly leak is hardly impressive when compared to the forced friendliness necessary to need an hourly sabbatical on the crapper.  USAToday- Penn State trustee Albert L. Lord said he is “running out of sympathy” for the “so-called” victims of former Nittany Lions assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, according to an email sent to The Chronicle of Higher Education.
Lord, a former CEO of student loan company Sallie Mae, also defended Graham Spanier, the dismissed Penn State president who was convicted of one count of child endangerment last week for his handling of complaints about Sandusky. "Running out of sympathy for 35 yr old, so-called victims with 7 digit net worth," Lord said in the email sent Saturday. "Do not understand why they were so prominent in trial. As you learned, Graham Spanier never knew Sandusky abused anyone." "Al Lord’s comments are personal and do not represent the opinions of the board or the university," Ira M. Lubert, the chairman of Penn State’s Board of Trustees, said in a statement to the publication. "The sentiments of the board and university leadership were expressed in the very first line of the statement released by Penn State: First and foremost, our thoughts remain with the victims of Jerry Sandusky." Lord is an alumni-elected trustee, and he's currently seeking re-election. He's one of five candidates running for three spots in an election that will conclude on May 4. ------- Wait just a damn minute here. You can run out of sympathy? I don't know about you, but the most shocking aspect of this completely asinine quote that - somehow still - trivializes the traumatizing experiences of people who were raped as children is the idea that you can run low on compassion. I suppose this shouldn't come as a huge surprise seeing as senior citizens are more likely to say things that require a complete and total lack of tolerance. No wonder Jerry Sandusky shamelessly molested dozens upon dozens of kids. His conscience probably ran dry decades ago. He wasn't a bad person. He was just a terrible budgeter! When it came to understanding the long lasting physical and mental damage he was causing people that were unable to fend for themselves, his sympathy tank was on 'E' far before it should have been. Albert Lord is simply heeding the proverbial yellow light that his former defensive coordinator was so quick to ignore. I'm sure if he were still a spry young man his heart would go out to the 35 year olds whose personal lives can't be fixed by any amount of money. If he were a little less careful about wasting condolences then he might even admit that those who were sexually abused by someone 30-50 years older than them are victims. I am a little shocked that the former CEO of 'Sallie Mae' doesn't have plenty of sympathy left over from all those years in which he was callously running up the tab on young graduates, but hey - who am I to blame a guy for being frugal with his feelings? Some are better at allocation than others. Maybe Albert Lord is just trying to stockpile sensitivity so that he's able to identify with all the documentaries that he'll be binge watching from his couch while slowly waiting to die. P.S. Proving that you still don't "get it" while running for reelection by a University that is desperately trying to prove that they do get it? I'm not exactly a campaign manager, but I think that Albert Lord's could use a little...wait for it...sympathy. 
ScreamingEagles- Every successful professional sport franchise makes tough player personnel decisions, weighing the pros and cons from behind closed doors without fan input and media scrutiny. Fans have never been privy to those conversations.
FANchise and the Salt Lake Screaming Eagles have provided fans with a truly interactive, immersive experience with unprecedented access to those private and difficult discussions, ones that give power to the fans to have an open and healthy debate. We understood this fan vote to sign Greg Hardy would be controversial, but we believe in empowering fans to make the final decision, the right decision. We stand behind what was agreed upon and what is best for the team’s future success. The fan vote was extremely close, with 50.1 percent voting against Greg Hardy being offered a contract by the Screaming Eagles. The fans have spoken; Hardy will not be offered a contract. ------- With all due respect to John Scott and Zaza Pachulia, I'm pretty sure that this is the first time the sabotaging of a fan vote actually ended up getting someone exactly what they deserved. Just so happens that "someone" was an extremely volatile, abusive asshole and what he deserved was unemployment. You can tell me until your blue in the face that the 'Screaming Eagles' fans have a heart and refused to compromise their morals in an effort to solidify their pass rush, but I would have to be completely unaware of how the internet works to believe you. These were the numbers when the story initially went viral (AKA when no one outside of Utah knew who the Screaming Eagles were)... 
And after 12 more hours of online circulation...
And by the 1AM deadline... 
The results of a vote that once seemed like a forgone conclusion got flipped on their side like they were determining the President Of The United States. The internet catches a lot of flak for turning everything into joke, but - in this instance - it took something that was a joke and just barely put a stop to it. I guess us millennials aren't completely useless after all! Credit to everyone that had the haunting image of Greg Hardy suplexing a woman onto a pile of semi-automatic weaponry in mind when they went out of their way to keep him from playing football for peanuts. Considering the .1% majority, your vote did truly count - even if you only placed it out of curiosity. The Salt Lake City Screaming Eagles tried to play to their fans desire to win in order to justify their own unethical interest, and the people that had no idea that the 'Indoor Football League' even existed before yesterday were having none of it. The worldwide web made sure the guy that refused to admit any guilt whatsoever in an inexcusable crime remained jobless. Thank god they did too, because sociopaths aren't really a good fit for any workplace. 
You know, I just can't seem to put my finger on the reason why athletes have become more and more likely to take members of the media less and less seriously. It's almost like you can't even ask a question about a player leading his nationally centralized franchise to international glory without being relentless mocked anymore. It really is quite the indictment on the players that sports journalism has become nothing more than the asking of easy questions that have repetitive answers. Just take this scenario for instance. A star player - who should be ingratiating himself to the organization - won't even so much as speak to his new team's chances of winning a championship that they aren't even remotely eligible for? The gall of Bastian Schweinsteiger to think he's above responding to - without a doubt - the toughest question he faced all day. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Sitting up there looking like he just smelled some shit and pompously staring out at a reporter that just wants to know if Chicago is built to contend in a tournament they won't be participating in. Fucking guy hasn't even played a game for the Chicago Fire yet and he's already putting a cap on their potential? Pretty sure the ultimate goal for any soccer player is to win 'The World Cup', and the guy that already helped bring one to Germany is scoffing at the idea of bringing one to a midwestern city he now calls home? Someone better let him know that we don't let our professional athletes actively avoid ludicrously nonsensical inquiries here in the states. Even if they play a sport that we - as a country - largely (clearly) don't know too much about. P.S. If three people have a full on discussion before responding to your question with nothing more than laughter then there is probably a bigger problem with your question than the phrasing of it. P.P.S. Got 'em....
Uproxx- Wednesday night’s Mavs-Pelicans game offered a prime example of every officiating crew’s ultimate fallibility, and the fallout was rather stunning. During the second quarter, Devin Harris took a nasty elbow to the face from Jordan Crawford and was assessed a blocking foul.
Needless to say, he wasn’t happy about it and quickly earned two technicals and a mandatory ejection. But it didn’t stop there. Head coach Rick Carlisle and assistant Melvin Hunt both got T’d up as well, making a grand total of four technical fouls on a single play. It seems likely that the league will review it. ------ You ever make a joke in a group setting at the expense of someone that was present and immediately realize you took it too far? I'm pretty confident in my sense of humor, but occasionally you get a response that tells you that you're absolutely in the wrong whether you agree or not. I'm not talking about a lack of laughter. I'm talking about glares of pure, unadulterated disgust. I remember one time I was out to brunch and made fun of how a girl talked with her hands, and boy - oh boy - that did not go over anywhere near as well as I hoped. Personally, I thought it was harmless, but the table's reaction said otherwise so much so that I had no choice but to apologize for the joke instead of digging myself deeper by arguing on it's behalf. What I am trying to say is that this referee shouldn't have needed a replay to know how wrong this call was. When Devin Harris - of all people - charges your way, multiple times, like he somehow summoned the spirit of Boogie Cousins then you're probably better off saying "my bad" instead of doubling down on your worthless whistle blowing. Handing out four technicals, and kicking the NBA's preeminent church mouse out of the game is not the way to handle a situation in which the general consensus is that you fucked up badly. I know that officials make mistakes and that professional athletes can't go full "he tried to kill father!" every time they do, but I didn't even need to see Devin Harris take an elbow to the face to know that he got screwed. The emotion shown from someone that is generally emotionless should have been enough for this referee to admit defeat. Ya know, instead of making it a bigger deal than it was and having people like myself wonder what the fuck he was watching the day after. 
PuckDaddy- The University of North Dakota is eliminating its women’s hockey program, according to Todd Milewski of the Wisconsin State Journal.
According to the Grand Forks Herald, UND President Mark Kennedy informed the athletic department that it had to make $1.3 million in cuts to its budget. Reporter Brad E. Schlossman wrote that representatives from women’s hockey and swimming were called to a meeting this afternoon with the athletic director, Brian Faison. North Dakota has eight current or former women’s hockey players on USA Hockey’s four national teams. In an embarrassment to the program, players were on the ice for practice on Wednesday without being informed that the program was eliminated. That drew a strong reaction from the program’s biggest stars:
Christ almighty, how much does the University of North Dakota's athletic department hate women's hockey? I'm not saying that the cutting of the program was wrong. I definitely feel for the girls, but college sports is a business and this is just the type of thing that happens when the interest doesn't match up with the financial obligation. Seems like a weird move for a University that fancies itself a "hockey school", but at the end of day it's all about the dolla dolla bills y'all. So no, I wouldn't do something as crazy as argue that axing the team was sexist, but I would argue that the timing in which they did so was. During a practice? While hosting a recruit? On the same damn day as one of the biggest breakthroughs in all of women's sports, and - without a doubt - thee watershed moment for women's hockey in the United States?! As a professional procrastinator I would like to let the University of North Dakota know that the phrase "it can wait" knows no bounds. I'm no AD, but maybe don't let a group of ladies - who are at their most prideful - get the news that's going to change their lives in the same way that they found out about the 'Author' meme. Would you walk into someone's wedding reception, go to give a toast, and start by announcing the impending divorce that you've yet to discuss with your wife? That's basically what this was. An unnecessary downer when women's hockey was experiencing the highest of highs. I'm not saying that North Dakota's tone deaf timing totally rained on the parade of the United States Women's National Team, but - with so many current and former Olympians having graduated as 'Fighting Sioux' - they definitely pissed downhill alongside it. I suppose there is no right way to notify female student athletes that they are merely students now, but I think we all can agree that doing so via Twitter hours after those of their gender and sport literally made history is definitely the wrong way. I usually roll my eyes when women say "this was supposed to be my day!", but I'll be damned if the lady puck movers of America didn't deserve to make it through every minute of that one without devastating news. 
Cue the entrance music... Now starting...at right guard...for your...Newww Orleannns Saints...Mr. Fat Booty! I think I speak for all Saints' fans when I say that I couldn't care less what Larry Warford has got in them jeans as long as he can get that ba-dunk-a-dunk downfield and put some prospective tacklers on their back. If the key to him pulling that end around to spring some gains in the screen game is his phatty than I hope it gets voluptuous enough to balance a Lombardi Trophy on. If he solidifies the interior of the offensive line, creates some sightlines, and gives Drew Brees a pocket that's fitting of a pair of JNCO's then I'll worship that man's thickness like I'm chasing chubbies. All he has to do is show Saints' fans the fruits of his apple bottom and he might have the SuperDome shaking due to the (t)work of his tail feather. — Dan Hanzus (@DanHanzus) March 29, 2017
 ScreamingEagles- Greg Hardy wants to play for the Screaming Eagles. Should we sign him?
This is one of the most unique voting FANchise decisions you will ever face, so consider all of the information below and do your own research before casting your vote. Hardy is a former NFL Pro Bowl defensive end who set the Carolina Panthers single-season record with 15 sacks in 2013. Due to off-the-field issues, he has not played in the NFL since the 2015 season with the Dallas Cowboys. Hardy was arrested in 2014 for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend (charges were later dismissed); he was suspended four games by the NFL prior to the 2015 season. He was also arrested in 2016 on a charge of cocaine possession, but reached a plea agreement to reduce the charges from a felony to a "misdemeanor with some strict conditions". He has expressed a strong desire to join the Screaming Eagles as a way for him to showcase his football skills and prove worthy of another chance. As a football player, Hardy is a physically gifted pass-rusher who could make an immediate impact on our defensive line. As an off-the-field member of the community, there are past allegations and arrests that he carries. We have spent the past week speaking with Greg directly and with many of his former teammates and coaches. After hours of deliberation and debate, Screaming Eagles ownership, management, and coaches are in unanimous agreement that we will support Greg joining the team under one condition – that our fans vote to allow him. "On the field, Greg would be a no-questions-asked signee for just about any coach in any league," says Screaming Eagles head coach Matthew Sauk. "Greg is human and made some mistakes in his life and is paying for those mistakes. We want the fans to make the call." Hardy, 28 years old, was very recently considered one of the best defensive players in the NFL. He made millions in the league; he will make hundreds in the IFL. He is not doing this for the money; he just wants to play football and show the type of person he is both on and off the field. If all goes well, he hopes to have a chance to play again on Sundays. "The Greg Hardy vote is a unique opportunity for our fans to be able to make a NFL-caliber decision," says FANchise co-founder and CEO Sohrob Farudi. "Owners and GMs across the NFL made their decision on Greg without consulting their fans. Greg wants a chance to prove himself both on and off the field, and with this vote we'll get a chance to see how fans ultimately feel about a player with a checkered past that wants another opportunity." If you, the fans, choose to extend him an offer, it is highly likely he would join the team very soon. His fate is in your hands. Voting ends at 10 p.m. PT on Wednesday, March 29. Thank you. Sincerely, Salt Lake Screaming Eagles Ownership Group -------- This is such a maniacal, maniacal move. This franchise might have tricked their supporters into thinking this is "fan interaction", but I've got a keener eye for what is nothing short of blatant, preemptive scapegoating. I don't know much about employing a clearly psychotic domestic abuser, but I do know that a proverbial letter of recommendation that's signed by a vast majority of your fans would be a great place to point a finger when it ultimately ends in disaster. Barring a drastic swing in voting, Greg Hardy will become a member of the 'Salk Lake City Screaming Eagles' and eventually it will go horribly, horribly wrong. We are talking about a dude that couldn't keep it together when he was given a second chance by the most morally compromised owner in all of professional sports. He couldn't stay out of trouble during his parole-esque stint in a league that paid him millions of dollars and gave him another opportunity to compete against the best players in the world. There is literally no reason to think he's going to miraculously mature when he's playing for pennies against inferior athletes that he has absolutely no respect for. I can't tell you what type of criminal behavior Greg Hardy still has up his sleeve, but when he unveils it you can bet your ass that the 'Screaming Eagles' front office will try to share that "oh shit, what have we done?" glare with the online conspirators that are going to make this signing possible. After a 1-3 start they decided to pander to their fans relentless desire to win, and in doing so they made their fans share in the responsibility for the future fateful actions of a proven sociopath. Their vote counts alright...as a huge subtraction of guilt to those in charge of a desperate football team. 
You know how I know that Northwestern doesn't have staying power amongst the creme de la creme of college basketball? They are still posting pictures of one missed call - from a tournament that is rife with missed calls - ELEVEN days after they lost. You would think reality would have set in by now. You'd think being a week and half removed from the emotions of a game they didn't deserve to win anyway would make it easier for them to understand... An unblown whistle with FIVE minutes (basically an eternity in college hoops) left was only as detrimental to their chances of advancing past the first weekend as their head coach's decision to blow a gasket shortly thereafter. Yet, here they are still hanging signs around campus like the goaltending call that wasn't cost them a National Championship or something. They still feel so cheated that they are actively reminding themselves of how their dream season ended. Continuously harping on something that is as built into the fabric of the NCAA tournament as futile officiating is proof positive that you probably aren't a school that's going dancing with any regularity. You only get one work week to bitch and moan about incompetent referees, and - if you're going to take advantage of it - then at least make it worthwhile by placing empty threats on an innocent man's life and career like butthurt Kentucky fans.  Holy hell! Who knew?! Standing at 6'1 and weighing in at 195 pounds of the whitest of white meat, Conor Gillaspie - of all people - is slinging the biggest knob in the league! Must be March Madness, because Upset City's population just got a +1 baby! God bless Len Kasper and Jim Deshaies. Without their uncanny unawareness and attention to detail we never would have thought about how much tape would be required to keep that sucker from rising up out of nowhere (their words, not mine)! I gotta say, once the production team zoomed in on that thing I couldn't help but marvel at the girth of it either. Someone better alert the Giants' equipment manager, because their utility infielder is basically up there swinging away with a third leg! It's impressive how he's able to handle it when it's merely laying against the crotch of his pants. Can you imagine having to rest it on your shoulder!?! I suppose Mets' fans should feel a little bit better about the home run that ended their season, because Conor Gillaspie was bound to go deep when carrying that kind of lumber. By the way, I'm officially all-in on spring training broadcasts. After yesterday's color-blind JaCoby/Jacoby Jones mix-up and today's sexual innuendo segment, there might not be better mindless, midday television than completely meaningless baseball games. That video could easily double as a comedy skit, and it was done by two guys that DEFINITELY aren't super familiar with the discography of 'Three 6 Mafia'... 
But...but...but...it would have made so much sense!
I'm just absolutely stunned that a team that needs to be in "win-now" mode considering the age of their starting quarterback didn't take a chance on a backup that they decided against drafting before he was an alcoholic burnout with a passing interest in playing football! The Saints championship window is closing and they didn't have the foresight to add someone that would keep it cracked open (to blow varying kinds of smoke out of it)? I can't help but think the organization is making a huge mistake by reneging on the deal that was clearly all-but-signed when Sean Payton offered up his quarterback expertise to a struggling, enigmatic quarterback. I'm honestly fearful that the Saints are breaking some sort of unspoken agreement by not offering Johnny Manziel a contract after he ate one meal next to their head coach two months ago. And forget doing right by a guy that has never done right by the profession that he's trying to get back into, because what is Drew Brees going to do without having someone to mentor/babysit? How can New Orleans possibly get back to the promised land without having a pseudo-sober successor patiently waiting the chance to take over under center? Damn you Mickey Loomis! A player who can only be trusted to keep TMZ in business is exactly what a franchise that's gone 7-9 three straight seasons needed, and... 
Tom Wilson high stick on Zach Parise: Oh man, what a shame. It's tough to see a sweetheart like Tom Wilson end up in a precarious situation. Just innocently wandering through the neutral zone with his stick at eye level like you're taught to do the first time you lace up your skates and Zach Parise just so happened to run right into it as it was on it's way towards his face. I think we should take some time to remind people that there's absolutely nothing from Tom Wilson's past that would suggest that there could possibly be more to this than one guy trying to put himself in the best position to knock down an completely unexpected errant dump-in. Every hockey player knows that when you're on defense you should always keep your stick in a passing lane, and with the NHL's current talent level even three feet over your right shoulder is a potential path for the puck. I'm not saying it definitely wasn't on purpose, but - let's be honest - something like that would be totally out of character for a player that spent his entire career getting robbed of 'Lady Byng' awards. Tom Wilson fight with Chris Stewart: That's definitely why no one seems to be mentioning the fact that Chris Stewart hit him with a ferocious flurry of rights when he was in a vulnerable position. It's not like it's universally understood that a scrap is over when both players fall to the ice or something. A player with such a spotless resume always has to answer to an accidental double minor with his fists. That's just part of the code. I'm positive that the Minnesota Wild didn't seek retribution on Tom Wilson because they questioned his intentions. They just wanted to let him know he has to be a bit more careful when swatting flies with the most dangerous tool of his trade. I know it seems like a harsh punishment for someone that's nevvvvver had the NHL's Department Of Player Safety working overtime, but the only way to teach a guy not to carry his stick like a javelin is to bloody his face in a relentless and disorderly fashion. 
PuckDaddy- About 45 minutes after the statement, details of agreement between the players and USA Hockey came out. ESPN’s Johnette Howard of ESPN.com was the first to report on details which include:
• Compensation: Each National Team player will earn approximately $70,000 per year. Before the contract, they were earning about $6,000 from USA Hockey in the six months they were training for the Olympic games. They have the opportunity to advance that figure to upwards of six figures under the United State’s Olympic Committee’s (USOC) ‘Operation Gold’ program if they medal in events. • Stipends: Each National Team player will receive $2,000 a month in a training stipend regardless of her experience level. The USOC pays between $750-$2,000 as a training stipend depending on the player’s experience level. USA Hockey will make up the difference between the amount USOC pays and the $2,000 guaranteed. • Insurance: For the first time in the history of the program, the women’s team will receive the same insurance coverage as the men’s team. • Travel/Meals: Also for the first time, the women’s team will have the same travel accommodations as the men, including business class airfare. Also, the per diem for non-travel days at events from $15-per-day to $50-per-day, which is the amount the men’s team receives. • PR/Marketing: A committee will be established to ‘make recommendations on how the federation can improve its marketing, scheduling, public relations efforts and promotion of the women’s game.’ • Girls’ Program Development: The USA Hockey Foundation will add a position that will focus on improving ‘fundraising and other efforts for its girls’ developmental teams.’ The girls’ program currently receives next to nothing, but the boys’ developmental program has $3.5-million in funding. Much of this money comes from the NHL; however, the league doesn’t tell USA Hockey how or where to spend it. • The agreement is in place for four years. ------- BREAKING: We have previously unreleased footage of the negotiations... 
The Women's National Team deserves a hearty congratulations for shattering that glass ceiling like they took the express elevator at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. That's quite obviously the most praiseworthy aspect of this story, but I think we have to give USA Hockey their due as well. After all, business is business, and who played their hand better than the organization that inevitably agreed to a costly proposal after having the entirety of their reputation dragged through the mud. Some may argue that this proves they lied in their initial rebuttal, but that's just an occupational hazard of haggling their way right back into accepting the original offer. Who cares that they engaged in every shady practice under the sun to avoid reimbursing a proud group of women at a reasonable rate? Isn't the fact that they did it (cough::to avoid international embarrassment and a full blown mutiny::cough) all that matters! They may have treated compensating their most successful team like I treat the booking of flights, but the fact that they waited until the last minute only to pay top dollar becomes unimportant upon arrival! USA Hockey did as good of a job recognizing their lack of leverage as I do recognizing my lack of sobriety, but they eventually came around and - as long as "public relations" is just some meaningless division that was solely created to get more women in the workplace - they are no worse for the wear!  Uproxx- A minor league baseball stadium is a great place to spend three to five hours of your day. You can take in some baseball of varying quality, enjoy some concessions at a pretty good price and get a little bit of sunshine in your life. That’s a great day, but what would it be like to live in a minor league stadium?
That’s what New Orleans based comedian (and Dime Magazine contributor) Chris Trew wants to find out. Trew is a huge sports fan and is a regular at Pelicans games as well as Saints games. He is also a season ticket holder for the New Orleans Baby Cakes, the Triple-A affiliate of the Miami Marlins, and has gotten the team to agree to let him live there for five days. Trew’s plan is to spend five entire days in the “Shrine on Airline” for the opening weekend of the season, from April 6 to April 10, and try to go about his life as usual, with the addition of picking up odd jobs around the stadium. All of this will be documented on video and there’s a Kickstarter to fund the filming that lays out the full plan for his stay. ---- Wait, so this guy is going to be lounging in the spring sun, enjoying relatively affordable drink specials, scarfing down absurdly creative finger foods, checking out novelty jerseys, and all of this while taking in a daily live sporting event in New Orleans? Good for him. That sounds like an incredible vacation. I guess my only question is why in the hell would I even mildly consider funding it? I don't care how funny this dude is. Treating a half empty stadium as his own personal playground for an entire week should be enough of a payoff for the resulting documentary. Am I supposed to be tricked into thinking that living like a well off retiree at spring training is some 'Survivor'-esque feat? I'm more likely to consider giving money to putting an end to this charade out of pure jealousy. Christ, I'll throw down a 10 spot if I can get a centerfield seat for 120 hours, but I'm not paying to watch someone else live out that dream in 'The Big Easy'. I might toss a few dollars the way of the homeless, but investing in the renting of a sports fan's dream home for a reality TV production is where I draw the line when it comes to charitable endeavors.  PuckDaddy- Alexei Kudashov was not a happy Kontinental Hockey League coach.
His Lokomotiv team was down 2-0 in their Gagarin Cup series against SKA. Tensions were already high on Monday when the teams faced off again. As you can see about 40 seconds into this video, Kudashov slams a water bottle on the ice in disgust. Ice having the properties of, well, ice, it slid over and made contact with an opposing player. So he didn’t technically throw the water bottle at a player, but he hit a player with a water bottle, if we’re arguing semantics. Lokomotiv was given a two-minute bench minor and Kudashov was ejected. Before he left, he write down what we assume was his Slack username on a sheet of paper so his assistants could keep in touch during the game. Didn’t matter: Lokomotiv lost, 2-1 in overtime, to go down 3-0 in the conference final series. ----- I'll tell you what, I am a lot more surprised that the KHL deems spiking a water bottle on the ice during a playoff game an ejectable offense than I am that the team whose head coach spiked said water bottle ended up losing. I respect that Lokomotiv's assistant coach knew his role on the bench as the collateral damage when his superior starts hurling projectiles, but if you're going to try to fall on the sword then you best not miss. Simply put, you can't have a team huddling around the bench and looking for instruction from the dude that just actively attempted to get kicked out of the game. Nothing is less inspiring to a group of players than receiving their motivation from someone that was begging to go back to the locker room just minutes earlier. I can't imagine a person appearing less in control of a pressure-packed situation than the person that literally tried to plead out of it. Of course they blew their one goal lead and went on to lose. That was basically a foregone conclusion. Why wouldn't everything blow up in their face when the coach that's tasked with nothing more than jumping on the grenade missed it completely? It would have taken a miracle for them to pull out a victory in overtime when their entire organizational hierarchy was in disarray. Obviously that's due - in large part - to their head coach going full "Gronkowski" during the third period of a must-win game, but it's also because their resident scapegoat got striped of his greatest responsibility and exposed as the doormat that he is after not being convincing enough. If you're going to be the entrusted sacrificial lamb then you got to do more than point to yourself once or twice to make sure it's you that gets served a two minute minor and a premature exit. I guess what we truly learned here is that the person that looks more Russian inherently looks more guilty, so Russian coaches might want to think twice before littering the ice with their season on the line. |
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