Love Pat Riley Just Flat Out Lying To Free Agents And Telling Them Chris Bosh Will For Sure Play Next Season
LBS- Chris Bosh is apparently improving, because Pat Riley is featuring him in his pitch to free agents.
According to ESPN’s Michael Wallace, Riley has told free agent targets of the team’s optimism of having him back on the court next season, while also selling the stability of coach Erik Spoelstra and the organization.
Sources said that the hope of both Bosh and the Heat is that he will be good to go in time for training camp, though he remains on blood thinners.
Bosh’s condition is such an unknown because of the aforementioned blood thinners. It’s an open question whether he would ever be allowed to play while on them, with some in the organization fearing it will never happen. That the Heat are so optimistic about this that they’re willing to use Bosh as part of their sales pitch would seem to bode well for his playing future.
And now you know why Pat Riley is one of the best executives in the entire NBA. Listen, I know it's not right that he's out there parading around a guy who has blood clot issues - with a curability that is still very much in the air - like he's already etched into the starting lineup. That doesn't mean it's not smart. Chris Bosh could be a dead man in blind person glasses being held up with strings like a marionette, and Pat Riley wouldn't be doing his job to the best of his ability if he didn't drop him into a conference room and put on the world's worst ventriloquist act.
There's no "you lied to me" caveat in NBA contracts. In fact, if you're planning on coming to a happy ending then you better throw in an exaggeration or two to lube up the ego you're stroking. The entire point of these free agency pitch meetings is to tickle the prostate of some of the best athletes on the planet in hopes that they'll take a long, hard whiff of whatever glorified load of bullshit you're spewing. Doesn't have to be true. As a matter of fact, there's probably an inverse correlation between the amount of honesty and the success of the proposal. These guys are getting paid millions to promote hoop dreams, not discuss salary cap nightmares. Sometimes you have to stretch the truth to sell the lie. If a player has buyer's remorse after he signs on the dotted line then too goddamn bad. Shouldn't have taken the word of a New York born business man - with slicked back gray hair and a smile guileful enough to talk you into buying a brand new convertible for your summer home in Seattle - as gospel. That's the best way to not spend the next 3 years of your deal waiting for the promise of playing alongside Chris Bosh to be fulfilled.
People Aren't Happy With The Cops That Primarily Used Google Earth To Look For A Missing Person
DailyMail- Police officers who took three-and-a-half months to find the body of a missing man were slammed by a coroner after it was revealed they used Google Earth to search for him.
Ricky Hill was reported missing from Royal Derby Hospital, in the East Midlands, the day after he was admitted for taking an overdose following the break-up of his marriage.
A huge search of the local area was conducted to find the 30-year-old in September 2014, but it was nearly four months before his body was found hanged in January 2015, just yards away from the hospital.
Yesterday Sergeant Michael Smith-Beard, a police officer assigned to find Mr Hill, gave evidence at Derbyshire Coroner's Court and admitted using a Google Earth map to conduct the search.
Dr Robert Hunter, senior coroner for Derbyshire, expressed his dismay and said: 'I have been in my house for three years and Google maps show it is a field.'
Sgt Smith-Beard, of Derbyshire Police, also admitted he was 'very disappointed' his team did not search woodland where Mr Hill's body was eventually found.
You ever drive by a cop car a little too fast, or looking at your phone just a little too hard, or with your seatbelt a little too not buckled whatsoever and proceeded to prep for the inevitable pullover only to look in your rearview and see that there are no flickering lights in chase? You know why that is? Well, it's certainly not because they didn't see you. More likely it's because the members of law enforcement can be lazy pieces of shit just like us, and that means they are prone to cutting corners when completing the more labor intensive aspects of their job. Usually that just means letting a heavy footed driver continue to swerve through traffic unimpeded (as long as it's not the end of the month) because doing paperwork suuuucks. In this case, it just so happened that a local PD didn't want to work up a sweat or risk getting Lyme's disease by trudging through a nearby forest looking for a (potentially dead) body.
All things considered, I can't really blame them. If the payoff of a hard day's work was getting first hand look at a rotting corpse I might be prone to take the technological route as well. It's not their fault Google Earth is outdated and incapable of zeroing in through the trees to give up-to-the-second glimpses of what may very well be a newly single 30 year old hanging from a tree. What good is the internet if it can't make an exhausting physical undertakings doable from a leather chair in an air conditioned office? Maybe Sergeant Suck-Up should have been little more clear with his instructions, because as far I am concerned these guys did their job. They certainly didn't do it to the best of their abilities, but how are they supposed to patrol our streets and have time to check on the novelty of the information superhighway?
Could their hastiness have cost a man his life to a rope and first layer of his flesh to decay? Sure, but I'll be damned if it didn't open up a Friday afternoon for some officers to bang out a couple hundred parking tickets. What? You think saving suicidal runaways is going put money in the state's pocket? That's what I thought. Using Google Earth to sleepwalk their way through a manhunt wasn't lackadaisical, it was financially responsible!
Shoutout To Lamar Odom's 'D' Game Because It's The Only Thing Keeping Him And Khloe Kardashian Together
YardBarker- A report from RadarOnline.com this week claims Kardashian and Odom have still been sleeping together and that Khloe “cannot make up her mind” about her future with Lamar.
“It is no secret to Khloe’s sisters and immediate family that she and Lamar still have sex,” a source close to the Kardashians reportedly told the gossip publication. “Khloe may try to act innocent, but everyone who knows her knows that is not the case!”
Considering we heard earlier this month that Khloe is considering a restraining order against Lamar, the latest information is pretty interesting.
“One minute she hates him, and the next she loves him,” the source added. “One day she is crying about him to her family and then the next day she is talking about what great sex they still have.”
Credit where credit is due. Khloe Kardashian has a million and one reasons to break things off with
Lamar Odom and the only thing that's keeping her from cutting the cord is the PVC pipe in his pants. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a penis that so powerful that it could make a woman consider an addiction to drugs and hookers a solvable problem in a relationship. To have a cock so sure that it could make an attractive female celebrity rip up a restraining order upon penetration. They say that one man can't have it all, but Lamar Odom's manhood is putting that myth to bed satisfied. The ability to resolve an impending divorce? The memorability to leave any and all character flaws forgotten? The girth to make a near fatal relapse in a whore house seem like an increasingly small issue? That Dickey is so accomplished it makes R.A. look like a Single A slinger.
Lamar Odom must have the meanest pole game West of the Mississippi River, because he keeps catching the same damn sport fish on the same damn line with the same damn bait. Dude's carrying a tool so efficient that it can cause all the perceived evils of it's owner to become a distant memory with one simple injection. He' s basically packing the genital equivalent of the neuralyzer from 'Men In Black' in his drawers and the only thing that can keep him from a lifetime of health and happiness is a coke binge that causes him a temporary bout with erectile disfunction. He may have regressed into a complete waste of a human being after basketball, but you best not consider any stroke a mulligan when Lamar Odom's 'D' game is running it's course.
Woe Is Iggy Azalea, Who Caught Swaggy P. Cheating On Her Security Cameras While She Was Away
Just despicable. Completely and utterly despicable. How can people be so heartless? How can they keep up the act for so long with someone that they supposedly love? How can they hide their true self from someone they spend so much time with? She was left so in the dark in regards to Nick Young's ethics that you almost can't even blame Iggy Azalea for getting cheated on. How could she have seen this coming?
I personally would have thought that a guy who was so true to himself that he nicknamed himself Swaggy P. would always stay faithful. Who would have thought that a dude whose entire celebrity was based solely on the irony of being a scrub that acts like a superstar would ever stray from someone who loved him for who he is? The last man off the bench who acts like he's Kobe going for 60? That's someone whose so keenly aware of his surroundings that it's actually unbelievable that he brought another woman into a house he knew was filled with security cameras. A man so rooted in reality that it's tough to digest that he actively avoided telling his girlfriend about the ex that was 4 months pregnant with his child. Shoutout to E! News. Without them, Iggy Azalea would just be sitting on her couch wondering what went wrong with the dumbass that unknowingly talked about fucking barely legal teens on SnapChat. She would have never found out the whole truth and gotten closure with the man that she thought she had been loving this whole time. Shame on Swaggy P. Now he's just somebody that Iggy Azalea used to know...
If Nothing Else, Beau Bennett Is Bringing A Self Deprecating Sense Of Humor To The New Jersey Devils
There is a lot for Devils fans to like about Beau Bennett coming to New Jersey. He's still young. He's yet to fulfill his first round potential. He's familiar with the management and coaching staff. He realistically only cost a third round pick that the Devils were able to pick up moving one whole spot down in the draft order. Sure, he can't take a dump without pulling a glut, but I tend to believe that even the fact that he is self aware enough to know that is a positive.
I'll take a guy that gives me 20+ hard fought games a season and mixes in some self deprecating humor to keep the locker room light over some 18 year old Russian whose destined for a couple underwhelming years overseas, a 1 year minimum contract, and an eventual defection to the KHL any day. Those are the types of personalities you need around the boys - especially after losing a certified gem of a human being in Adam Larsson. I don't know much about Beau Bennett the person, but I do know he's quite mindful of, and rather comedic about, the fact that he's probably safer transitioning to velcro so as to avoid any skate tying injuries. He's cognizant of his own inability to walk the dog without risking his livelihood. He realizes he's probably got a better chance of being the main reason the Prudential Center installs an extra wheelchair ramp than he does of playing the entirety of an 82 game season. Hey, at least he can laugh about it, and that's all I really need to justify the movement of a mid-round draft pick.
P.S. Fire retweet.
Jaylen Brown Straight Up Dunked On A Kid Because He Said That Ben Simmons Was Better Than Him
You know what is becoming exceedingly evident these days? Kids are feeling themselves far too much around grown folks that deserve their respect. We saw it when some little brat yelled 'GO PATRIOTS!' in Steve Smith's face, and we are seeing it again with this fat slob talking down to Jaylen Brown like getting out of bed in the morning isn't his greatest athletic accomplishment. When I was young I would have looked up to these players like they were gods, yet the next generation is treating them like they are parking lot peers. I can't even imagine how I would respond if I were Jaylen Brown. Probably just stare back in utter disbelief. Do everything I could to hold my tongue and stop myself from blurting out "oh yeah? Well, Ms. Piggy has more range on her jumper than you". Fortunately, Jaylen Brown doesn't have to worry about offending anybody by using wit to fight back against an outspoken candidate for Type-2 diabetes, because he's got something far more efficient...
The ability to dunk.
This - my friends - is why ever white kid with the vertical of a bullfrog spends hours upon hours of their youth desperately grasping at the bottom of the net every time they walk by a hoop. This is why everyone dreams of one day being able to slam a basketball through a rim. It's the ultimate answer back. If I were capable of dunking I would walk around with a basketball on my person at all times just in case someone happened to insult me within a 2 block radius of a court. Using words as weapons is fun, but it's nowhere near as fun as completely emasculating someone with an awe-worthy athletic feat. Jaylen Brown didn't even think about responding to this kid's (accurate) criticism. He just nodded lightly, checked up, and gave a 'the round mound sans rebound' a first hand look at a professional package as he soared over his cholesterol ridden ass to throw one down. If only we are all so lucky to be able to do the same.
I Love That Kyrie Irving Won't Just Let These 'All White Yacht Party' Jokes Die
I said it before and I will say it again, the second you start using logic and rationale to defend yourself against humorous allegations of throwing an 'All White Yacht Party' you basically indict yourself of throwing an 'All White Yacht Party'. I actually find it amazing that Kyrie Irving thought the accusations of having a "no black girls allowed" rule is something that was worth disputing publicly. Can we just get these jokes off Kyrie? Can't we get a few laughs at the expense of your Becky-filled boat cruise? It's twitter bro. Outside of a few African American women who die a little inside every time they see a black man with a white woman in tow, no one really thought that you had a bouncer turning away every girl that was a shade too dark. There wasn't an overarching belief that you were punting every girl that was a littttttle too black back into the ocean 'Sparta' style.
That said, the best way to make people think that WAS the case is to offer an apology to those that were offended by something that wasn't even remotely offensive. Jesus Kyrie, not every joke needs to be taken literally. Especially not when the source of it is a social media platform. Normal, level headed people understand that you probably had more white women on a yacht in the Bahamas, because - at any given time - there are more white women visiting the Bahamas. I don't think that math is too hard to comprehend. So stop trying to safeguard it like the buzz following the spread of that video was anything more than online ball busting.
Adam Larsson And Taylor Hall's Initial Reactions To The Trade Have My Heart In A Blender
I am not going to lie to you. As ecstatic as I am about adding a bonafide star to the Devils team that hasn't had one since Zach Parise left the state and Ilya Kovalchuk defected the country, listening to this interview hurt my heart. Legit sounded like a kid that went off to school all wide-eyed and innocent and returned home to a note from his parents notifying him of an impending divorce. Did Adam Larsson's childhood pup get put down or did he just get shipped out of town? I honestly can't tell. You can almost hear in his voice how connected Adam Larsson feels to the franchise that drafted him even after he was put through the ringer by a head coach that shall remain nameless. Before yesterday that would have been awesome to hear, but it's downright depressing realizing how invested he was in this team as he begrudgingly leaves it in his rearview.
Oilers fans are too emotional to realize it right now, but they've acquired a budding shutdown defenseman that is phenomenal at doing the little things that win hockey games. Could they have gotten more for Taylor Hall? Most likely. Did they get a guy whose first pass is going to spring all 35 of Edmonton's young, highly touted forwards on enough odd man rushes to even out the difference? Absolutely. Adam Larsson is just coming into his own as a player and even if that doesn't mean a substantial increase in point production, it does mean that he has a chance to solidify a first pairing for the foreseeable future. It still doesn't feel real that Taylor Hall is coming to New Jersey, but I'm just as numb to the fact that Adam Larsson is no longer a Devil.
Quick question, how many days until the season starts? Fuck free agency, let's just drop the puck right now. Not only because I already miss hockey, but because I can't leave to chance that Taylor Hall forgets how betrayed he felt the moment the dumpster fire he has worked his ass off to extinguish burned him by dismissing him for a lesser player. Granted, Hall didn't exactly give a ringing endorsement of his new home, but he did give everyone a glimpse at the chip that will undoubtedly will be on his shoulder when he's playing there next year. I don't think you could ask for a better immediate response as a Devils fan. A former first overall draft pick - that's already been quite successful - coming into a new situation with something to prove? Sign me up. Taylor Hall sounds like a guy that got broken up with and wasted no more than a few hours getting himself a gym membership. If his words ring true he's ready to improve just to spite his former franchise, and I am sure his brand new franchise - that hasn't scored a 5-on-5 goal since Obama's first term - is downright giddy at the thought of benefiting from that motivation.
The Devils Just Flipped Adam Larsson For Taylor Hall. I Repeat, The Devils Just Flipped Adam Larsson For TAYLOR HALL!!!
I wanted to be sad. Hell, I tried to be sad. When the shock of adding an elite offensive player wears off I probably will be a little sad that Adam Larsson is no longer with the Devils. After having the beginning of his career sabotaged by the hater of all players under the age of 22 (Peter Deboer), Larsson's play has undergone a meteoric rise. You could actually argue that he was the best player not named 'Schneider' on the Devils last year, and it's going to hurt like hell not seeing him eat up top pairing minutes on the blue line. He finally came into his own as a prospect, and it's to his credit that he's worthy of fetching a Taylor Hall all by his lonesome. This trade isn't is as lopsided as people are making it out to be, and that's a testament to how underrated Adam Larsson is in nearly all phases of the game.
That said, you do not pass up an opportunity to add a potential point-per-game player. That's what the Devils just added to an offensively starved lineup that will undoubtedly feel the trickle down effect of adding a premiere talent at the top of it. This makes everyone's job easier, and it takes pressure off guys that are undoubtedly better suited to fill secondary scoring roles. It hurts to lose a shutdown defenseman, but it's worth it when it brings you a consistent playmaker that knows how to put the puck in the net. There's no longer a question about whether or not New Jersey has a legitimate first line talent, and it's a first line talent that is signed on to a more-than-reasonable contract through 2020. I don't want to go as far as saying that the Devils just acquired a franchise player in Taylor Hall, but they certainly acquired a franchise altering player for a team that has struggled so mightily to produce offensively.
Ray Shero - who has been rolling 7's since he plopped his ass in that cushy leather chair somewhere atop the Prudential Center - took another calculated risk and you'd have to be crazy to be a Devils fan that's upset with the reward. A 24 year old player that had enough potential to be selected first overall in the draft and has produced consistently since coming into the league is headed to New Jersey. Just say it back to yourself right quick. Taylor Hall is a New Jersey Devil. TAYLOR HALL IS A GODDAMN NEW JERSEY DEVIL!!!
P.S. Do it Hynes. Do it...
This Student Driver That Got Threatened By A Man With A Knife And A Flaccid Penis Had The Worst Teacher Ever
DailyMail- Alarming dashcam footage caught the moment the 34-year-old Russian man aggressively accosted the woman after he became frustrated at how slow she was driving.
During the bizarre road rage incident the man is seen pulling his Land Rover Discovery across two lanes of traffic to block the woman's progress and jumping out to confront the occupants.
The young female driver was having a driving lesson with an instructor at the time in south-western Russia's Krasnodar Krai region
The muscle-bound, tattooed driver, wearing a yellow vest and a red baseball cap, angrily strides up to the Daewoo Nexia with a knife in his hand and shouts at the people inside the car.
He disappears off camera briefly as he reportedly tried to open the car doors but soon gives up when he finds them locked.
Obviously it's concerning that a teenage girl was forced to take a nice long look at the flaccid cock of a crazed Russian man that was threatening her life, but do you know who I really feel bad for? Her parents. The people that likely put up the money for their daughter to be given lessons on how to survive the mean streets of society. They are the ones that are truly getting ripped off here. Paying out of pocket for a driving instructor to teach their young, vulnerable daughter that the right way to handle a knife wielded lunatic is to put it in park and stare straight ahead like a deer in headlights? That's the real crime, because this second - right here - is when the supervisor is supposed to put that manual override to use...
That is the "nope, not fucking today" moment. It's supposed to be the moment you decide that you'd rather take your chances with oncoming traffic. It's most certainly not the "play dead and maybe he'll go away" moment. I don't know what this chick did wrong to piss off the guy exhibiting the worst possible combination of roid rage and road rage, but it could have been made right if her dumb ass teacher put pedal to medal and got her out of a potentially deadly situation. Next thing you know this girl is going to have her license and will be stopping every time a haggardly man steps out in the middle of the street with his hand raised in front of him at 3 in the morning. You know who she - and her parents - will have to blame when that goes poorly? The driving instructor that taught her to mind every single road block instead of putting on the blinders and whizzing past them with zero regard for their safety. The "professional" driver that thought taking a "wait and see" approach with this guy was the proper way to handle confrontation...
SportsIllustrated- The year before, he’d pulled a subtler prank on another teammate: Alex Rodriguez, then an 18-year-old rookie shortstop who, like Griffey, had been the top pick in the draft. Griffey enlisted Seattle’s trainer, Rick Griffin, to convince Rodriguez that the club’s stars—including Buhner and Randy Johnson—were involved in a scheme to sell their sperm to the highest bidder, as if they were thoroughbred stallions, and that Rodriguez might himself attract an appreciable stud fee. He brought in a fake doctor. “Dude, you got great genes,” Griffey told the rookie. The callow Rodriguez was skeptical at first. Then he started to come around. “How much money do you think we could make?” he asked. Griffey, mercifully, pulled the plug before donations were to be harvested. “Everybody has rookie hazing,” he says. “That was his.”
Rookie hazing? A prank? Umm, who's laughing? This sounds like the business opportunity to end all business opportunities. Someone get a financial planner on the line and let's get these wheels in motion. I'd easily pay a handsome sum for some A-Rod cum. Hell, I'd get on all fours and milk Ken Griffey Jr. like a fucking Clydesdale as long as he let me leave with that invaluable money shot. There's not a price tag too high for some professional athlete genes. You think I want to bring a child into this world with the potential that it could turn out to be the last kid picked in kickball? No fucking thanks. Pretty sure the microscopic possibility that they could produce a vastly superior athlete is the only pipe dream that makes men even remotely open to the idea of reproducing. I'd put that baby batter in it's very own freezer and sneak Junior's bun right in the oven as soon as I found a suitable life partner. Probably spend the next 9 months trying to figure out how to explain the inevitable mixed race decathlete that popped out. I really want to make fun of Alex Rodriguez for being gullible and needing Griffey to stop him before pumping a dixie cup full of his (then) natural ability. Unfortunately, the thought of watching my very own beautiful bi-racial baby with a picturesque swing crank balls through every last one of my neighbor's windows is a dream that seems far too attainable to let die.
A Florida Man Is Suing Apple For $10 Billion Claiming He Originally Invented The iPhone
DailyDot- Apple has many enemies, but this week they added a new one to their list. A man from Florida named Thomas S. Ross has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against the company. How has Apple wronged him? Thomas S. Ross believes that he invented the idea for the iPhone and by proxy the iPad and iPod.
The case, which was first discovered by Macrumors, revolves around three hand-drawn technical mockups Ross made in 1992, showcasing a flat rectangular device with a screen and buttons. You can see the drawing here.
According to the case files, Ross applied for a utility patent in November of 1992. That might actually help him if not for the fact that that utility patent was declared abandoned in 1995 when he failed to pay the application fees on the patent.
Do I think that a random man in Florida invented the iPhone in 1992 and waited until 2016 to decide that his intellectual property was stolen by a company that developed into hundreds of billions in new worth? Not really. That said, the rough sketch complete with 3D imagery, buttons, and a laundry list of functions is more work than I have ever done for something that I didn't invent. Just something to think about.
Hey, this guy might be a jackass for filing a comically large, frivolous lawsuit against a company that wipes it's proverbial ass with frivolous lawsuits, but he kinda has a point. He drew out the plans for a handheld screen that does a bunch of crap well before the iPhone was a twinkle in Steve Jobs eye. Not sure that a sketch of a boxy figure with a bunch of indecipherable features is worth 10 billion, but it undoubtedly resembles the blueprint for the original iPhone that came at least a decade later. Might be smart for Apple to throw a few thousand dollars at some lunatic in Florida to make him go back into hiding out in his swamp shanty, because he's a great lawyer away from arguing that his 90's doodle was the first step - out of approximately a billion steps - in the development of the smart phone and eventually the touchscreen tablet. Probably should have held onto that patent of a computerized rectangle that 's capable of stuff, because the entirety of the technological age would basically be impossible without it. In and of itself that drawing isn't worth the pen it was drawn with, but I think Thomas Ross should get some credit for being the brain behind the size and shape of something that wasn't functionally possible until 15 years later. Apparently timing is everything.
Well, looks like Nathan Bastian already learned a valuable lesson on Day 1. If you have to say to yourself "I hope they don't put that online immediately" then there's a good to great chance that it's already online. That may not have been the case with the New Jersey Devils franchise two years ago, but they have undoubtedly emerged from the dark ages of Lou Lamoriello's tyrannical rule over their social media accounts. That means that any new draftees who start roster-bating in front of a camera are going to have their child-like excitement broadcasted to millions of people on Twitter. Sorry Nathan, but that's just how it goes. If you don't want your new peers to candidly witness your spirited adoration of their abilities then you might want to work on your peripheral vision when the media is around. Just a little pro tip.
I think sometimes we forget that these guys get drafted as kids. We probably shouldn't because most of them have the muscle mass of a 14 year old female distance runner, but it's easy to think of them as older than they are because so much is expected out of them. The exhilaration with which Nathan Bastian started rattling off prospects in the system was a nice little reminder that he's still a wide-eyed teenager, and it was refreshing to see a player turn into a complete fanboy while thinking of the future possibilities that has the Devils' actual fans so optimistic.
This McLeod/Bastian bromance already has my heart pitter-pattering...
Johnny Manziel Just Disrespected Our Collective Intelligence By Saying He's Going Sober July 1st
YardBarker- Johnny Manziel currently is on vacation in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and an image posted by an individual sharing the lavish mansion where he’s staying has prompted him to proclaim he’s planning to go sober in the coming days.
The below image, posted by a woman supposedly staying with Manziel — along with approximately 20 other people, some of whom are strangers to Manziel, per a TMZ report — showcases numerous bags that appear to contain some kind of drug (via Snapchat/TMZ).
“They’re absolutely not mine,” Manziel told TMZ Sports. “I don’t even know that girl.”
In his comments to TMZ, Manziel also stated he’s not drinking or using any illicit drugs during his vacation in Mexico and that he’s planning to go completely sober on July 1. Not only that, Manziel also stated he intends to start training hard and eating healthy.
July 1st? July fucking 1st Johnny? The day before 4th of July weekend? A weekend in which it's literally considered un-American to be sober? Come on man. I personally don't give a shit whether or not Johnny Manziel ever chooses to give sobriety a chance. I find this deep dark path he's going down to be rather intriguing. If he's not going to be worth of a shit on a football field - never mind on this planet - then he might as well test the limits of that liver of his and provide us with some quality entertainment. His lawyer intentionally tanking cases. His family giving up on him. If you ignore the fact that a human being is on the fast track to an early grave then this whole sequence has been rather fascinating.
That said, I don't like being lied to, and the most notorious substance abuser of the last year claiming he's going cold turkey 24 hours before the rest of the world goes on a 3 day bender is a falsehood so egregious that it makes Greg Hardy look like a truth sayer. Johnny Manziel is in Cabo with 20 strangers and enough blow to keep a narcoleptic awake until New Years. He couldn't stay drug free if he wanted to. It's not even his choice. You put a Mormon church group cliffside in a tropical paradise and they are finding a way to get fucked up on 4th of July weekend. He could turn down drugs and alcohol 25 times straight and he'd still be in an alternative universe by Friday afternoon, because celebrating our country's independence as a nation and celebrating it's codependence on booze are one and the same.
Former Colts Running Back Zurlon Tipton Shot Himself Dead Removing A Duffle Bag Full Of Guns From His Car
FOX- The man who accidentally shot himself earlier Tuesday at a Roseville car dealership has died, Roseville Police tell FOX 2. The Wayne County Medical Examiner has identified the victim as former NFL player Zurlon Tipton.
Police say the customer pulled into a service bay at the dealership around 9:30 a.m., and went to take a duffel bag out of his trunk. The duffel bag had two guns inside, police say, and one of the guns accidentally went off and Tipton was struck in the stomach.
The medical examiner says they are receiving Tipton's body later today, and that an autopsy is scheduled for Wednesday.
Ah Zurlon, we hardly knew ye. The way he was killed kind of rules out him being a good person, so I think we will stick to saying we had to lay an EXCELLENT first name to rest far too soon. Anyway, now is as good a time as any to answer a question that has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now - when is it okay to make fun of recently deceased? With all due respect to his family and friends, I have to imagine that there is no such thing as "too soon" in this scenario. When a former NFL player - that was arrested on CHRISTMAS morning for unloading the contents of an ASSAULT RIFLE on his girlfriend's dwelling - accidentally murders himself with a duffle bag he doesn't get a grace period. I think that's a pretty fair exception. I bet even his loved ones have already taken to making jokes behind closed doors, and I don't even blame them. How could they feel bad for a man that grabbed his luggage so recklessly that he pulled the trigger on a gun inside of it hard enough to fire a shot into his own torso - regardless of their relation to him?
That funeral isn't even going to be a somber event full of people mourning, it's going to be an inconvenient event full of people checking their watches. It's basically a chore to muster up tears on behalf of someone that accidentally committed suicide while transporting deadly weaponry from one vehicle to another at a car dealership. This guy played for the Colts, and there is a ZERO percent chance that Chuck Pagano is loading up the team plane to have his players pay their respects to someone that passed away in such unforgivably stupid fashion. I like to think I can properly appraise human life, and Zurlon Tipton's stock has long been dwindling. It's inevitable flatline was anything but unexpected, and definitely not worthy of my sympathy.
Moses Malone Jr. Claims That James Harden Ordered His Crew To Steal His Chain, But I Have My Doubts
YardBarker- Moses Malone, Jr., son of NBA great Moses Malone, claims he was attacked by James Harden’s entourage outside V Live Houston early Saturday morning.
Malone Jr. posted on Facebook about how Harden’s basketball camp was unaffordable for inner-city kids, and believes Harden sent his entourage to assault him and steal his jewelry, which was valued at approximately $15,000, in response. A Houston Police Department spokeswoman told KTVR-TV (an ABC affiliate) that at least four of the men had guns.
Here's my issue with this allegation. If I know anything bout James Harden it's that he can handle criticism. I suppose that's just the nice way of saying that he doesn't give a fuck what anyone says and he only cares about himself, but the point stands. James Harden does not get rattled to the point of retaliation by personal critiques. I know that because we spent the entirety of the last year hearing some variation of the following assessments ad nauseam....
"James Harden is lazy".
"James Harden doesn't play defense".
"James Harden is a terrible teammate".
"James Harden is a ball hog".
Not only are all of those things exceedingly true, but they are all exponentially more damaging to his brand than an overpriced summer camp for children. If James Harden was collecting jewelry from every source with a following that had something negative to say about him he would be diving into a swimming pool of jesus pieces like Scrooge McDuck. I would think we would have heard about that practice long before he did the most selfless thing he's ever done by charging parents $249 to let their children share the court with him for two days. If any of this were true then Dwight Howard undoubtedly would have gotten jumped months ago. I just have a difficult time believing that "James Harden is a cutthroat business man" was the insult responsible for his decision to have his helping hands delve into the chain snatching game. Sorry Moses, just this just doesn't fit the profile. James Harden is far too apathetic to be considered a suspect for robbery, especially when the only "motive" is a social media post he would have had to go out of his way to get wind of. Might just be time to accept that you got punked by a group of goons that were just looking for valuables and not Facebook fueled revenge.
P.S. $249? Well worth it...
Did Richard Jefferson Just Go From Retirement To Starting His Career Over Again?
Am I surprised that Richard Jefferson is un-retiring after taking a little bit of time following a championship celebration to rethink his future? Of course not. For one, he was a 35 year old that had just put the finishing touches on season that saw him compete in upwards of 100 games. More importantly - as evidenced by the video above - he was a piss drunk 35 year old that has just put the finishing touches on a season that saw him compete in upwards of 100 games. I think we can call that a situation in which the alcohol was likely to speak for him, and the alcohol was undoubtedly saying it wanted to continue to be drank from a beach chair at a tropical vacation destination well after September ends. It's not too surprising that sobriety had different ideas.
That said, I would like to make a proposition to RJ. Let's split the difference. Let's go one more year before we start discussing 2-3 year extensions. You just - against all odds - actually started and produced in the NBA Finals so I can understand the desire to come back and see what's left in the tank, but how about we stop short of putting anything more than a one year warranty on an aging engine? The difference between an antique and a old piece of crap isn't all that much. The thing about vintage vehicles is that they spend a hell of a lot of time getting wheeled in for maintenance, so how about we take the "wait and see" approach prior to chiseling 3 year leases in stone. Richard Jefferson announcing his retirement was premature, but so is announcing that he plans to play until he's a senior citizen by NBA standards.
Darren McFadden Cleared The Air On How He Actually Broke His Elbow...LIKE AN IDIOT
YardBarker- McFadden (Pulaski Oak Grove) said reports he broke his elbow after he fell in an attempt to save a dropped cellphone were untrue. He said he was in a friend’s backyard after a funeral and slipped on cement near a swimming pool.
“I just slipped down and landed on my elbow,” he said. “My phone was in my hand, and so people kind of put that story out.”
“I got a few weeks left in this brace, but other than that, my body feels good,” McFadden said. “I feel great, and I’m looking forward to the season. I’m ready to go.”
Wait, Darren McFadden didn't break his elbow instinctually diving to catch a falling cell phone? He, instead, broke it losing his balance while casually meandering alongside a pool? Whew, I bet Jerry Jones will be glad to hear this. Hell, he might contact the league offices and see if he can reverse the selection of Ezekiel Elliot. If only he had known that walking on water like Jesus Christ himself was the only way to take down Darren McFadden for an extended amount of time then he might have gave him another shot at starting next year. Poor guy didn't get hurt doing what any self respecting person would do by risking life and limb to save their iPhone, he just lost his balance on a wet spot. That's a far more acceptable way for a professional running back to end up sidelined for a month or two. It's a good thing he decided to clear this up two weeks after the fact or we would be stuck here thinking that he was obsessed with the well being of his main connection to the outside world like every other sober person on the planet. No sir, not Darren McFadden. He would never put his own health in peril to save a piece of replaceable technology. He's just a klutz that can't manage to stay standing around the smallest drop of precipitation.
That may not help the Dallas Cowboys any when it's 3rd and 1 and the clouds start to break, but at least it saves him an embarrassing injury story. Thank god he didn't let that sleeping dog lie or we might have died thinking that Darren McFadden wasn't a comically fragile player that only got boo-boos when attempting at least semi-athletic feats.
Ayesha Curry Fell Hook, Line, And Sinker For This Cavaliers Fan's Cookbook Troll
I can't believe we have already gotten here, but I think I feel bad for Ayesha Curry. It's not because she didn't bring this tsunami of online trolling on herself with an accusatory tweet that made a 2nd grader throwing his controller after losing in 'Madden' look mature. It's because she had no idea what she was getting herself into when she did.
If there's anything we have learned about Ayesha Curry since LeBron fee-fi-fo-fummed all over her Warriors it's that she doesn't have what it takes to survive on the mean streets of twitter. Sure, it was all well and good when Steph Curry was the best player on the planet, putting up one of the greatest seasons ever, for the winningest regular season team of all time. However, things changed drastically when Draymond Green started annihilating nut sacs and her favorite team wasn't so damn lovable anymore. The Warriors taking on a villainous role, of sorts, put Ayesha Curry is a position where she had to make the social media equivalent of the jump from high school to the pros. It was no longer a bunch of people kissing her ass and telling her she could do no wrong. Instead it was people looking for reasons to tear her down, and she handled the transition in Kwame Brown-esque fashion.
Her whiney, high brow responses to people being mean on the internet are a surefire sign that she's in over her head. She's fighting fire with gasoline and the results have been all too predictable. I mean, come on...it was clear as day that this autograph request was a set-up. You can't be more naive then sliding into Championship Mode's DM's and thinking someone with the handle @_jimbo_slice_79 genuinely wanted a personalized cookbook. The lackluster filter she's got up is about as penetrable as her husband's one-on-one defense, and it's got her taking more online L's than the actual players that choked away a 3-1 series lead...
It Appears Johnny Manziel Is En Route To Cancun And You'll Never Guess What He's Wearing...
It pains my soul to say this, but thank god for LeBron James. I just can't possibly imagine how dark the days would be in Cleveland right now if the Cavaliers had climbed out of a 3-1 hole only to watch their team fall in the waning seconds of Game 7. If that didn't kill them after 50 years of futility than witnessing their first round quarterback who drank his way out of football walk around on a never ending vacation wearing the jersey of their former Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver who smoked his way out of football certainly would. Fortunately for Ohio, they don't have to worry about that. They don't have to concern themselves with their past failures, because for the first time since Super Bowls were an actual thing they are currently experiencing success.
Someone should really let Johnny Manziel know that while he was on a two week (month? year?) coke binge his ex-BFF LeBron brought a championship to the city he so callously spurned with his substance abuse . He should really be made aware that the "curse" is over and they are now immune to the OBVIOUS trolling he is doing by taking dozens of selfies in a Josh Gordon jersey. What would have served at a knife in the side of the Cleveland faithful just two weeks ago is now nothing more than a laughable attempt at attention seeking by someone whose own father considers him nothing more than a druggie. I'm usually all for mockery at the expense of others, but Johnny Football rocking the nameplate of the only person who's as big of a disappointment as he is on a men's small that - not surprisingly - fits way too loosely just comes off as downright pathetic.
P.S. Hey E-Rod, dream bigger my man. Dream bigger...