MLive- Police are searching for a buttocks-toucher who has accosted two women near Lakefront Park in recent days.
The man sneaks up behind women, touches their rear ends and runs away. Police identified a potential suspect, who was interviewed Thursday, Oct. 29, and then released.
"Since the behavior is so alarming, officers have been working diligently to identify the perpetrator," Cadillac Police Chief Todd Golnick said.
The first incident occurred in the morning on Oct. 20 in Lakefront Park.
A woman who was walking alone told police that a man approached her from behind, touched her buttocks and ran away. She had no idea he was in the area until he touched her.
Then, on Monday, Oct. 26, another woman who was walking near the park, by the Chestnut Street boat launch parking area, was touched on the buttocks. She did not see the man approach but told police he ran off in the same direction as the man did in the earlier incident.
Police said the potential suspect interviewed this morning was identified through surveillance and investigation. Golnick did not say if the man was cleared or remained under suspicion.
First of all, once I saw the word "accosted" used to describe a man that is going around touching butts I had no choice but to blog this. Though I think it's pretty disingenuous to use it in regard to butt stuff, unless said butt stuff is forced anal, accosted is a pretty incredible word. A little love tap on the ass isn't enough to say you were accosted, but I do appreciate the word's appearance in a story where no one was really in any actual danger. Isn't too often you get to use it in for a circumstance whether laughter is appropriate, and for that I am forever indebted to the sneaky butt toucher.
Hey ladies, maybe stop going to the police because a guy touched your butt and ran away. Unless he's walking up and getting a handful of cheek then he isn't doing it for pleasure. You don't get sexual gratification out of poking a woman's ass and running away as fast as you can. More than likely it's the thrill of not being caught that really drives him, and nothing feeds that thrill like seeing himself labeled as "the sneaky butt toucher" on the internet. This article alone is probably getting at least 15 more butts touched. Sneaky butt touchers don't touch butts for satisfaction, they touch butts for notoriety. Notoriety they get from ridiculous blog sites such as this one. A bunch of overly sensitive women are doing a disservice to the rest of the female community by going to law enforcement with this. Don't blame the man who is touching butts, blame the butt owners that are making it a big deal. Once people stop looking for the sneaky butt toucher the sneaky butt toucher seizes to exist. That's just how harmless, semi-sexual accostment works.
It's A Good Thing Mark Cuban Doesn't Give A Shit About The Clippers Or Else That Ass Whooping He Just Took Would Have Stung Pretty Bad
You know what Mark Cuban saying he doesn't give a shit about the Clippers reminds me of? It reminds me of a kid dating a prude girl and telling her he doesn't care about the physical stuff. Meanwhile, every night when he goes home he's beating his dick to the point of chaffing to get rid of his blue balls. Poor Mark Cuban, just popping an untamable jealousy boner every time he even thinks of the name DeAndre Jordan. To be honest, it's getting a little bit sad. Almost wish DeAndre had a twin brother we could lend to the Mavericks just so he could pretend his worst nightmare never came to fruition. It's okay Mark, we get it, you don't care about the Clippers. You know what I don't care about? Reality television. That's why you won't find too many blogs on here where I am talking about reality television. You know what kind of blogs you will find, by the dozen, on here? Blogs discussing every single time Mark Cuban talked about the Clippers this offseason, and trust me, I wouldn't do a search unless you got a few hours on your hands. Kind of funny that he doesn't care now, because he has had no shortage of words since July 1st.
You can change the owner and the players, but they will always be the same Clippers? Hmm, Mark Cuban is a much smarter man than myself, but that seems like a factually inaccurate statement. I understand the animosity though. It can't be easy to have your wagon hitched to the unlikelyl resurrection of Deron Williams career. It's got to be rough to see the Clippers destroy you with the player that shunned you and your franchise at the last possible second. You sure you don't care Mark? I would probably care if the team I had spent the last 4 months criticizing was drastically better than my own. I would probably care if the "same old shitty Clippers" ran me off the floor with only a half decent effort. Maybe Mark Cuban is a bigger man than me. Maybe he doesn't hold grudges. All evidence points to the contrary but let's hope that's not the case. The beating that the Clippers put on the Mavericks tonight would bring any invested party to tears, and I truly don't want to see a grown man weep.
How Did I Not Know Until Now That Austin Rivers Nailed A Fan In The Face With A Seat Cushion Last Night?
I can't. I just can't. Fucking Austin Rivers man. We are talking about Austin fucking Rivers here. Austin, why are you so mad, bro? You should have taken that cushion placed it down under your knees and prayed to the Lord that you're still on the Clippers. You should have said your Hail Mary's and thanked God that your dad saved your career. You aren't allowed to get upset about playing time. We can't have the 9th or 10th guy off the bench throwing fits and nailing opposing fans in the face with seat cushions. You are not good enough to get away with that. This isn't 3rd grade anymore, you can't just do whatever you want because your dad is the coach. Listen Austin, you are never going to be the straw that stirs the drink. More often than not you'll probably be that slice of lemon on the side of the glass that gets taken off and thrown on a napkin. Most of the time you are going to be unnecessary. Occasionally someone will want to switch it up and give you a squeeze, like tonight for instance, but you have to understand that is not going to be the norm. No reason to get all pissy about it. It's actually better to keep expectations low. That way you'll ever worry about failing to meet them.
In a way, this is Doc's fault. You don't coach a team to an NBA championship without having a supreme amount of confidence. It's these super competitive genes that are running trough Austin's blood that are to blame. They had him thinking he was good enough to be on Team USA, and now they got him thinking he's got enough clout to throw temper tantrums on the bench. In a way, I kind of respect him for it. His heightened sense of importance to this team is comical, but honestly, the Clippers probably don't win a couple of games in last year's playoffs without it. He certainly doesn't lack the confidence that he clearly inherited from his dad. Sometimes that can come back to haunt him, like when he pelts casual observers with pieces of the bench, but sometimes it can work out in the Clippers favor, like when he nets 14 points and helps put away the Mavericks. Either way, I always find it strange when I end up writing about Austin Rivers, but I appreciate the fact that a mediocre bench player somehow makes me do it so often.
Devils Win Their 100th Regular Season Game Against The Flyers Even Though If Feels Like Their 100,000th
No, but seriously, that number is missing a zero...or two...or six. Is it not? It's okay guys, you can tell me. I know you were just trying to make Flyers fans feel a little better. This can't possibly only be the Devils 100th regular season win against the Flyers. Sometimes I feel like we rack up at least 10 a season. I feel like there's been a year or two where we have made the playoffs solely from aggregating points in wins over the Flyers. These stats aren't adding up. I am just going to go ahead and assume that this is a gross miscalculation. How can the Devils have just hit triple digits in regular season wins over the Flyers when they have (rough estimation) 5,735 playoff wins over Philadephia? Are we only counting games where they have stood a minute chance of beating us? Who is running numbers over there? Better make sure you showed your work if you want full credit. Whatever, I got no problem celebrating milestones wins, especially when they come at the expense of the city of Philadelphia. If this current stretch of success is just veiling us from what this season actually holds then I have no issue attaching more meaning to each and every victory. I hope every single fucking 'W' symbolizes something more monumental. I don't care if it's the 50th win in games that start Sunday at 5PM. Got to add some significance to a season that may turn out to lack it entirely.
Pssssst, guys, bring it in real close. I got a secret for ya. Ready? The Devils aren't all that fucking bad. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but you're just going to have to trust me on this one. Not saying we are making the playoffs or anything like that, but this team isn't a bottom feeder that is completely void of any hope whatsoever. I know bad teams. I've watched bad teams. They took the ice Prudential Center quite often over the last two years. You know what bad teams don't do? They don't find ways to win. In fact, more often than not they find ways to clench defeat from the jaws of victory. This Devils team has won 5 out of 6 games, and they just may have played some of their best hockey in the one game that they did lose. It's not always pretty. They don't always play the best brand of hockey. However, they have managed to turn whatever brand of hockey that is into wins.
Sure, there will still be stretches where you are convinced that this team couldn't put a puck in a soccer net, but there are just as many times when they will surprise you with some pretty nice plays. Look at tonight for instance, every single one of those goals was pretty. Granted, when the Flyers are on the ice even the 200 pound drunken hog with more mustard stains on her shirt than teeth in her mouth looks pretty. Regardless, they were skill goals nonetheless. Skill goals that we just didn't see nearly as often over the last couple of seasons. Schneider is going to give them a chance to win every game, and unlike last year, they aren't taking those chances for granted. Right now their best players are playing like their best players and they are continuing to ride that wave. I'm not saying that wave can't crash on top of our heads at a moment's notice, but I am saying that I am optimistic with what I am seeing on the ice. Not because it is always high quality hockey, but because it doesn't have to be for this team to walk away victorious. Doesn't matter if you win pretty or you win ugly, just win often. That's the mark of a solid team. Five out of six with a brand new roster learning a brand new style of play. That shit ain't nothing to shake a stick at! That win percentage definitely isn't sustainable, but this team isn't going to develop less chemistry. They aren't going to get worse at running Hynes system. Let's just say they have my attention, and I think that's all we could have asked for entering this season.
They just feel so much better against Philly, don't they? Current mood...
P.S. Legitimately believe that if the Flyers had let Travis Zajac score a hat trick then they should have made their players pack up the entire franchise and carry it up to Quebec for good.
Chris "Birdman" Andersen Got Catfished Into Sleeping With a 17 Year Old Girl Who Was Also Catfished Into Sleeping With Him
DailyMail- A Canadian woman has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for orchestrating an incredible catfishing scheme in an attempt to extort money from numerous victims in North America, including Miami Heat star Chris 'Birdman' Andersen.
Shelly Chartier, a 31-year-old agoraphobe from the small village of Easterville, Manitoba, impersonated the NBA star online and tried to blackmail him for thousands of dollars, according to authorities in both Colorado and Canada.
The intricate and creepy plot upended the life of Andersen, who was dumped by the Denver Nuggets in 2012 when he was investigated as part of a child pornography probe - which was finally linked back to Chartier.
Chartier pleaded guilty to seven counts of fraud and other crimes over summer and was sentenced to 18 months in jail earlier this month, The Denver Post reported.
After serving the 18 months, Chartier will be extradited to Colorado to face further and more serious charges.
Chartier, who has been out on bail and got married to an American man she met online last year, is a recluse who dropped out of school in the sixth grade.
According to The Winnipeg Free Press, she is celebrity-obsessed and has little life experience.
In sentencing her, the judge described Chartier as a cyber predator who 'hid from the realities of her life' by monopolizing the lives of others.
I am so confused. I don't even know how to address this story. Is this even catfishing? She basically played 'love connection' except she fudged the facts on one of the participants. Why was this girl in prison? I don't understand what she did wrong. Pretty sure she just lied about somebody else's age. She didn't show up to the date and insert Chris Andersen's penis into a 17 year old girl. They consented to that sex all by themselves.
Basically some random person just told two single people exactly what they wanted to hear from the opposite sex. If that happens to one person it's called catfishing, but if it happens to both people then it's just called dating. What's that you say, she tried to unceremoniously charge him for it? Okay fine, so it's online dating. Sounds just like the business model of every matchmaker website on the internet. Can I hire this chick? Is it still against the law if I pay her to set up my dates, instead of having her extort me after the fact? I'm getting real tired of witty, charming banter. I would much rather have some 31 year old, middle school dropout do it for me. Maybe not at the price tag of $3,000 but I'm sure she's open to negotiations. This girl is like eHarmony, but way more effective. She's like Tinder if girls used the wrong age instead of a misleading picture . So both parties didn't meet under the most forthright of circumstances, whatever. Once you get sex out of the deal you lose your right to complain about it. I don't know about you, but I think Birdman owes someone a "thank you". Clearly she has an eye for these things. Wouldn't want to spend a Saturday night with her, but I would have her arrange my Saturday night with someone else. If she has good enough tastes for an NBA player then she's has good enough tastes for me. Seventeen might be a little (a lot) young, but as long as I know to check ID's before hand I see no downside.
P.S. This had to take place when Birdman was still bumping that booger super, right? Had to be well into a heroine binge to think that randomly meeting strangers from online offline was a good idea for a professional athlete. I'm not so sure this situation wasn't what finally scared him away from drugs. Addiction is scary, but online dating is downright frightening.
Every now and again you read a headline where you expect the description to be worse than the actual content, and I got to admit, I thought this was going to be one of them. I thought these white broads were going to come out and justify their racism by saying they are an "all German" sorority or something. Maybe throw out the words "Anglo-Saxan" or something to try to dissuade black women from attempting to rush. Boy, was I wrong! Talk about doubling, tripling, quadrupling down. Let's take a look at what this list REALLY says...
1) You're racist.*
2) You're ugly.
3) You have no family.
4) You have no friends.
5) You're stupid.
6) You stink.
7) You suck.
8) You're poor.
9) You're lazy.
10) We don't like you.
Well ladies, I think that about covers it. Did this chick just nail every overly simplistic, stereotypical insult you could possibly image? It's like she copied down the '10 Klan Commandments' straight out of the KKK handbook. Either that or it's their version of the "burn book" from 'Mean Girls'. Don't think you're going to see too many African Americans rushing your sorority now. If that was the main goal of this Facebook post then mission accomplished. This list may be as offensive as it gets, but at least we don't have to worry about any black women attempting to associate with these Klan's women. That's apparently a win for all parties involved. I can't help but think they might face a little bit of backlash for posting such bigoted things on the internet, but at least they got the racism out of the way before rush week instead of during it. Can't imagine what a bunch of prejudice, entitled white bitches would do if they got to rationalize bossing around a few black girls for a week. In the South, no less? I don't want to say what that could potentially resemble, but it rhymes with "bravery" and it isn't anywhere near as admirable.
This may be a bit extreme but isn't this kind of what the entire rushing process entails? Granted, not everyone that has tried to sign up for a sorority has been prematurely judged by their skin color, but they have been prematurely judged by their looks, financial standing, and social circle. I'm not defending the actions of these racist cunts at all, and they should be kicked out of school. However, if you don't want to be evaluated based on complete and total superficiality then maybe Greek life was never for you in the first place, and in my opinion, you're not really missing out anyway.
*Genius #1 by the way. Throw out a ridiculously slanderous allegation so your victim has to start out on the defensive. This chick might be a despicable bigot, but she's not an idiot.
Teacher In Trouble For Drawing A Dick On A Student's Paper Because He Wasn't Paying Attention In Class
Cosmopolitan- A teacher at Chapin High School in El Paso, Texas, is under fire for drawing a picture of a penis on a student's homework and giving it back to him. KVIA reports Language Arts teacher Kim Juzdowski drew the phallic image because the student was, um, dicking around in her class and not learning anything.
Sandra Green, a parent of the student who received the dick grade, said she was shocked when she found the photo on her son's social media accounts. She emailed the teacher who then reportedly admitted that yes, she drew the penis.
"She admitted to embarrassing the children rather than punishing them," Green told KVIA. Green said Juzdowski wrote to her " I'm sorry [your son] took offense and I totally understand if you would like to meet with an administrator and have him moved."
A statement from the school district read, "The teacher has acknowledged the inappropriate behavior in class. The incident is being dealt with administratively. We're working to accommodate the request of the parent and what's best for the student."
Excuse me ma'am, I don't want to use the dreaded words, but could you please calm the fuck down? You're making a goddamn scene. Did you forget to take your daily xanex this morning like a normal overwhelmed house wife? What the hell are you so mad about? Did you have to wait in a long line at Bloomingdales? Did your waistline mysteriously go up a size? I don't know what happened, but you can't possibly be this appalled by the drawing of a dick. Trust me, your son has seen one before. If we are being totally honest, he's probably drawn more dicks than you have seen in our entire life. If that teacher didn't draw a dick on that paper it still would have inevitably ended up with a veiny, triumphant bastard plastered right across it. You leave something unattended at a high school for a long enough period of time and it's bound to get to get tagged with a teabag.
I'll tell you this much, I do not envy teachers. I don't even who is softer anymore, students or their parents. This kid ended up with a cock on his paper because he refused to pay attention and his mom is upset WITH THE TEACHER? Maybe place a little value on education in your household and your dumbass kid won't need the presence of male genitalia to keep his eyes on the board. Should this teacher be drawing dicks to embarrass children? No, of course not. You simply can't use dick drawings to embarrass students. Not because it's inappropriate, but because kids aren't embarrassed by dick drawings. That's why this mom had to find it on social media. Kids don't put things on social media that they find embarrassing, they put things on social media that they find funny. You know what kind of drawings are shaped like dicks? THE FUNNIEST KINDS! So this mother needs to find a more commendable cause, and this teacher needs to find a more harsh form of discipline, but dick drawings shouldn't be newsworthy.
Green said the entire incident reflects a double standard in the district. "If it was a [male] teacher doing it to a female student, they would have taken this totally serious ... But because it's the other way around I think they're letting the light side go on it."
Don't think this mother needs to concern herself with some nonexistent double standard because there's not a man on this planet that can draw a vagina that looks like a vagina.
Hey, you're not the only one Demarcus, and the Clippers should embrace that fact. While I root for the team, I can see how the Clippers antics can get old. They do a lot of complaining to the officials and Chris Paul does do his fair share of embellishment. However, the real reason that Demarcus Cousins hates the Clippers isn't just because he hates CP3. It's not just because Doc Rivers is outspoken on the sidelines. It's not just because the team, as a whole, talks a lot of trash.
He hates the Clippers because he can't beat the Clippers. It's a good thing when your opponent hates you. They should hate you. It's only a cause for concern when they stop caring about you. That's when you become irrelevant. That's when you aren't winning basketball games. That's when you're not a contender in the Western Conference. You know how many hated teams fail to make the playoffs? None. People have been hating the Spurs for decades. Shit, I hate the Cavaliers right now. Outside of heated rivalries, no one feels strongly about teams that don't pose them a direct threat. The Clippers don't want Cousin's love because his hate says so much more about where they are as a franchise. You only hate someone because they have something you want, and for Demarcus that something is a chance at success. You only hate that which you don't understand, and Demarcus Cousins doesn't understand what it's like to compete. Who can really blame him? He's a member of the Sacramento Kings, after all. No one wonder he's so pissed off all the time. Dude hates everybody because he can't beat anybody. That's not to say that the Clippers aren't extremely hatable, but it is to say that the quality of their team factors into that. The Clippers got a lot of haters, and if they know what's best for them, they should still be trying to acquire more.
P.S. Eh, then again, it might have something to do with this. Whatever, probably just a bad angle...
Yahoo- The Cavaliers are 2-1 favorites at the Westgate, MGM and William Hill books, followed closely by the defending champion Golden State Warriors and San Antonio Spurs. The Los Angeles Clippers and Oklahoma City Thunder are the only other teams with single-digit odds title at most sportsbooks.
The Warriors and Spurs have attracted the most money to win the title at the SuperBook, followed by the Los Angeles Clippers and Chicago Bulls. The Lakers, at 300-1, are next in terms of money wagered.
"Lakers are the only team we have liability in the six figures on," Jeff Sherman, assistant manager and NBA oddsmaker, at the SuperBook said.
Approximately 1.4 times more bets have been placed on the Lakers to win it all than the Cavs.
You know what they say about smart money? It's never gotten anyone stupid fucking rich. Of course the Lakers are a hot commodity in Vegas. Why wouldn't they be? For one, Los Angeles prides itself on irrational confidence and the frivolous disposal of an insanely high income. More importantly, however, 300-1? 300-1! I would throw $5 down on 300-1 odds that I would see a unicorn today. Doesn't mean I think it's going to happen, it just means that it's worth the monetary risk even if I don't. Who wants to bet on the Cavaliers anyway? I don't want LeBron to win. No one outside of Cleveland should invest in LeBron winning. That guy is fucking insufferable. Add in the fact that they have 2-1 odds to win the championship, and they become next to impossible to bet on. The return is minimal AND you don't get the overwhelming sense of satisfaction from picking the underdog. I don't know what kind of person is betting on Cleveland, but I do know I don't want to hang out with them. There's a difference between betting and gambling, and I am going to need the betters to step out on that limb for me one time. Sure, gambling your hard earned dollars on a team as piss poor as the Lakers is the equivalent of setting it on fire, but at least there's no ashes to clean up after the Lakers season goes up in flames. A little luck never killed anyone, but a lot of luck can show you how to live. That $100 you won on the Cavaliers could last an hour, but $30,000 and that fraudulent sense of pride you won on the Lakers could last you a lifetime.
BSO- “This is about our rights in the CBA,” Goodell told ESPN’s Mike and Mike, via NFL.com. “That’s all it is. We filed this litigation initially to reinforce the fact that we had this right in our collective bargaining agreement. We had a decision from Judge Berman, we disagree with it, that’s what appeals courts are for.”
“It has nothing to do with any individual player or anyone else,” Goodell said. “It has something to do with Judge Berman’s decision and that’s what we’re appealing.”
I hate Roger Goodell just as much as any other self-repespecting NFL fan. As a matter of fact, I probably hate Roger Goodell more than most self respecting NFL fans after the disaster that was BountyGate. However, that doesn't mean that I can't admit when he is right. Appealing the judge's decision on DeflateGate isn't about punishing Tom Brady, it's about justifying the 6 months of retardation that followed last year's Super Bowl. It's not about smearing Tom Brady's name, it's about defending his own integrity (or lack thereof). Yeah, I am sure that Roger Goodell still wants Tom Brady suspended, but that's only because a Tom Brady's suspension would mean that he isn't a lying buffoon that makes $40 million a year to be incompetent at his job.
I highly doubt that Roger Goodell, who is close with Robert Kraft, intentionally went out of his way to attack the New England Patriots. If anything, accusing one of his more prestigious franchises of wrongdoing is counterproductive to his job as commissioner. He got hoodwinked. Someone got in his ear and convinced him that DeflateGate was a big deal. The news that some footballs may have been under-deflated got out and his first instinct was to overreact. Roger Goodell wasn't in on some conspiacy to take down one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. This isn't the WWE. You don't WANT controversy surrounding the biggest names in the sport. The problem is that he will never admit when he's wrong, and according to a federal judge he was wrong. Not for attempting to suspend Tom Brady, but for believing it was necessary.
It doesn't matter that giving the commissioner the ability to play judge , jury, and executioner is absolutely insane. The fact of the matter is that it was contractually agreed upon, and it would be stupid for Roger Goodell not to fight to keep that undeserved right. If I won the lottery I would still want my money insured. Just because I didn't earn it, doesn't mean I don't want to keep it. Roger Goodell may be an idiot (he is), but he's an idiot that realizes how much he stands to lose. Tom Brady is just a pawn being used in an effort to make sure he doesn't. So no, it's not about Tom Brady, but Tom Brady's reputation would be the collateral damage.
I spent nearly 9 innings watching Johnny Cueto pitch last night. With that said, If these three men walked into my apartment 20 minutes after the game was over, I would have no fucking idea which one to congratulate. I don't know if that makes me racist or inattentive, but it definitely makes me honest. As far as I am concerned, if any of those three are wearing Kansis City Royals gear then they are Johnny Cueto. You white? You Ben Affleck. You Dominican with dreads, a well kempt beard, and a Royals hat? You Johnny Cueto.
I think the bigger story here is that this interpretor was a true asshole. A true asshole that clearly finds the humor in his job, but a true asshole none the less. Trying to communicate with people that speak a different language is the most confusing shit in the world, and this guy just willingly let some in over his head local reporter make a complete ass of himself. Be better translator. If you weren't so proficient in two languages you would know the pain that guy is feeling right now. Poor bastard finally stepped out of his comfort zone and took a swing and you pulled the ball away from him like he's Charlie Brown. I think we have all been in a position where we have mistaken a person for someone else, and we have all felt incredibly dumb afterwards. That guy is never going to approach a person of latin descent ever again. His confidence is shattered. Remember in 'Happy Gilmore' when the caddy let's him walk up to the tee box when it's not his turn? Hey translator, where were ya on that one, dipshit? I'm not saying we should be responsible for the stupid mistakes of strangers. However, if all it takes is a tap on the shoulder and a whisper in the ear to save someone from making their job more excruciating then we should feel obligated to interject. You would want someone to do it for you. Pay it forward..or some such shit.
So, NFL SpinZone did a nice little writeup on potential destinations for Ryan Mallet. You know, the Ryan Mallet that couldn't beat out Brian Hoyer, or his alarm clock for that matter, in an effort to quarterback the Houston Texans. Their suggestions, as well as MY reasoning for their suggestions, are as follows...
Washington Redskins- Because you can never have enough below average, immobile, white quarterbacks, and when your franchise is run by Daniel Snyder the less mature and more enigmatic the better.
Cleveland Browns- Josh McCown has been battling injuries, and well, at least this irresponsible backup quarterback is sober.
Tennessee Titans- Only reason I can think of is that Ryan Mallet is too 'Nashville' not to be around Nashville.
Dallas Cowboys- A culture of controversy can only be successful if it's consistent, and Matt Cassel and Brandon Weeden aren't bringing on the field, but more importantly the aren't bringing it off the field.
New England Patriots- Hey, you never know, maybe Bill Belichick has been far too concerned with his own team to see any of the many headlines Ryan Mallet has been responsible for since leaving New England.
I still think these destinations share one commonality that makes them all extremely unlikely. That commonality is that they are all NFL franchises, so let's discuss 5 actual destinations...
A tattoo parlor- Fine, you got me. This isn't an actual picture of Ryan Mallet, it's just a half decent photoshop job. However, you definitely believed it for a second. Ryan Mallet looks just white trashy enough to clutter his body and the bodies of others with ill conceived, poorly executed illustrations. Might take some time to get the hang of it, but if the world needs more of one thing, it's bad tattoos.
An Uber driver- Do I know if Ryan Mallet is any good behind the wheel of a car? Nope, and that's why Uber driving is the perfect job for him. You don't have to be good. Just got to have a car and a license. The best part? Ryan Mallet can't be late if he makes his own hours.
Mechanic- Doesn't Ryan Mallet look like he should be walking out the back of a garage wiping oil and sweat from his forehead? The added bonus? He wouldn't have to interact with that many people, and that's clearly his biggest flaw.
Human Resources Manager- Ryan Mallet is just bad enough at his job to be responsible for the job security of others. Irrational sense of importance? Illogical ability to look down on others? Ryan Mallet was born to sit behind a desk and scroll through whiny emails. I imagine he got some much needed experience looking at his Twitter feed throughout the last month.
Cable Guy- The hardest thing to do in the workplace is manage expectations. The best part about working for a cable company is that expectations don't possibly get any lower. Ryan Mallet might be notoriously late, but the best way to fix that is to give him an 8 hour window to show up. Being a cable provider is like being a professional inconvenience, and Ryan Mallet has being a pain in the ass down pat.
It was just a hard fought win over a bad Sacramento Kings team, but if you had a checklist of things you wanted to see from the Clippers last night they did all they could to ease every concern. Chris Paul played like Chris Paul always does. Same old DeAndre Jordan was back like he never left. Lance Stephenson's crazy ass actually played an efficient game. Paul Pierce contributed with a clutch bucket late. JJ Redick continued to give this team significant offensive contributions. The bench play was flat out miserable, but it's essentially an entirely new second string. The difference this year is that there is talent there that needs to be given time to gel, whereas last year no amount of time would have have fixed the fact that the Clippers only rostered 8 (probably being generous) competent NBA players. When Josh Smith wasn't blocking shots he basically looked like he had never stepped on a basketball court before, but that's what Josh Smith does. He's a professional blackhole. Hey, every team needs a scapegoat, and Josh Smith looked to fill Spencer Hawes shoes seamlessly on the offensive end, while actually contributing something of note on the defensive end. Austin Rivers was near invisible, but he also had a block on Demarcus Cousins so that's damn near improbable enough to count as a one night workload. All in all, the starting lineup didn't miss a beat, and the second unit predictably struggled in their first real game playing together. Still, the players that Clippers made moves for in the offseason (notably Stephenson and Pierce) did exactly what they were brought to Los Angeles to do, and that should hold this team over until the rest of the roster gets integrated.
No, before you even ask, of course I didn't forget about Blake Griffin. In fact, the complete opposite is true. I think his play was worthy of it's own paragraph. I don't think Griffin's game has ever looked more polished than it did last night, and that includes last year's playoff run when he was basically playing like an MVP candidate. It's like the broadcasters said, he is capable of putting up a triple double every single night. Which, considering he plays with the best rebounder AND best passer in the game, is absolutely absurd. It doesn't seem like too long ago that Blake Griffin couldn't shed the label of being a player who is more likely to get you a spot on SportsCenter's Top 10 then get you a much needed bucket late in the game. Time's have certainly changed my friends. Blake Griffin's jump shot now extends to the 3 point line. There's no more hesitation when he receives the ball at the top of the key. In fact, he was nailing pull up jumpers with ease last night. He was creating his own shot not just in the paint, but all over the offensive end. This coming from a 6'10 bull of a human that runs AND sees the floor like a point guard. A player that is still strong enough to battle down low with any player in the league. The Clippers should be a more well rounded team this year, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that Blake is rounding into one of the best overall players in the NBA. If Griffin's career continues on the trajectory that I think it will, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to say that the Clippers are the only team in the league with two potential MVP candidates. Only time will tell, but I think that time is set to be very exciting Clippers fans. Last night wasn't a bad start.
Sammy Watkins Apologized For Calling Those Criticizing Him "Losers", But There Is No Chance He Wrote It Himself
I need everyone to do me a favor here. First, read this...
Now, read this...
Any distinct differences that you notice? Sure, one is written in an aggressive tone and one is written in an apologetic tone, but I am talking about something even more obvious than that. Like, for instance, MOTHERFUCKING PUNCTUATION. Hey Sammy, next time you want to go on a rant about your fans maybe slip in a fucking period or two? Could you just pretend to know what a comma is? Holy shit dude, I got a headache just trying to comprehend that paragraph long, run-on sentence fragment. The only reason I even realized it was a critique was because it included the word "losers". Otherwise it just looked like an arbitrary word jumble. Like you sat on the microphone button while you were on Instagram or something. Just a little pro-tip here Sammy. If people can't understand you they aren't going to take you seriously. I don't need an expertly written thesis, but would it kill you to let me know where one thought ends and the next one begins?
I don't have a problem with Sammy Watkins calling fans losers. If you are chastising a player for being injured then you are a fucking loser. However, if you are going to put that out on the internet at least stand by it, and if you're not going to stand by, then at least write your own apology. No one goes from unpunctuated gibberish to nearly complete sentences that feature real life pronouns and mostly properly capitalized letters. I don't care if you want to have your assistant, or your intern, handle your social media, but at least make sure it stays consistent. To be brutally honest, right now it just looks like one literate person covering up for an illiterate one.
In the interest of full disclosure, I wrote this blog out of anger because I felt robbed of the opportunity to buy some reading glasses, pop a couple of Advil-PM's, and try to decipher a genuine Sammy Watkins apology before dozing off.
Hey Sammy, identify the verb...
I am not much of a cat person, but a cat whose presence potentially helps the Saints beat the Falcons in the SuperDome? That's a cat that has my love and respect. So I got to say that it's a pleasure to report that after a small stint of going MIA, #WhoDatCat has arrived back where she rightfully belongs. Finally made it back home to continue bringing the Saints luck, just not of the Andrew variety. Do the Saints win the last two games without #WhoDatCat alive and well? I don't know, maybe? I'll tell you this, I damn sure don't want to find out. A pesky little multi-colored feline is as good of a reason as any as to why the Saints defense has seemingly transformed itself over the course of the last two weeks. It's either that or Rob Ryan finally figured it out, and as of now, I am giving them equal odds as to who is really responsible.
Got to love Saints fans losing their collective minds because their lucky cat has gone missing. That's New Orleans for you. Just dropping everything and scouring the surrounding area to make sure the Saints continue to win, and I guess to make sure someone's pet made it back in the arms of their loving owner. Either way, it's amazing. Best fans in the world. No superstition too crazy to believe in. No black and gold colored animal too insignificant to have an impact on a professional football game. Maybe we are all just lunatics, but if it helps me believe in the Saints overcoming a treacherous start to the season, I'll start breeding black and gold muskrats and build them some mini-bleachers in front of the television. Whatever this cat has been doing (likely absolutely nothing) seems to be working and we're going to need some more of that completely apathetic magic come Sunday! WHO DAT!!!
Yardbarker- Likely responding to Harbaugh in an indirect way, Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians — always an interesting character — had a hilarious experience to share with the masses:
"The hot dog vendor came on and started talking about how they needed hot dogs in some section, and we couldn't get the play call," Arians said Tuesday, via ESPN. "A coincidence."
Just imagine attempting to get a play call to your quarterback and hearing some vendor attempting to hawk food or merchandise in the stands. That has to be a little distracting.
The specific situation Arians was speaking about actually took place earlier in his career against the Ravens in Baltimore.
The reigning NFL Coach of the Year did have some advice for Harbaugh and Co. a day after Arizona's hard-fought win, though:
"If they had a problem," Arians said, "they should have notified the referee and the referee would have notified us."
See, this is why I think that the Arizona Cardinals have a very real shot at a Super Bowl this year. They have the single biggest quality that separates the contenders and pretenders. That quality is leadership, and it's not of the Greg Hardy variety. Bruce Arians has the coaching acumen to lead this team to big things. How do I know, you ask? Well, his ability to block out tertiary factors is evident, because there is no bigger distraction then the mere thought of eating a hot dog.
I don't want to call Bruce Arians fat, but I think it's safe to say he knows his way around a kitchen. Nothing wrong with that, but I do think it's evidence that Arians is a lover of the occasional hot dog. For that reason, it's truly amazing to me that he was able to compartmentalize his thoughts when he heard vendors discussing hot dogs over his headset. I hear the word hot dog and the only thing I can compartmentalize is condiments. Seriously, I don't eat them that often, but I have heard people having a side conversation that included a hot dog reference and gone out of my way to make sure I eat some that very same day. I don't think I am alone in that. They are the one food that gets mentioned and 90% of people instantly say to themselves "damn, I could really go for a hot dog". The one food that makes me sympathize with the cravings of pregnant women. I commend Bruce Arians for being able to continue coaching at a high level. Shit, I commend him for not calling timeout and jumping into the crowd. I hear "hot dog" and I can barely finish my beer before I absolutely need to have one. Bruce Arians heard "hot dog" and had to finish coaching an entire NFL game. He could have punted on third down and used hot dogs as the excuse and I would have accepted it as legitimate. He would never do that, however, because Bruce Arians doesn't make excuses. That's why the Cardinals have a chance to great. They are led by a man strong willed enough to push hot dogs out of his mind until he's able to put them in his mouth. A man that is mentally tough enough to see the big picture, even when the little picture seems so goddamn delicious.
Flag Pole- It appears that the Confederate-themed downtown Athens bar General Beauregard’s offers a drink with a name that includes a censored racial slur, outraging local social-media users after an image of a recipe sheet was posted to Facebook on Monday.
The sheet includes a shot called a “N*****ita” (the asterisks are part of the name), which includes two parts tequila, one part watermelon liqueur and a splash of sour mix.
Given that, until recently, General Beauregard’s prominently displayed the Confederate flag, and that loving watermelon unfortunately remains a common stereotype of African Americans, we’re pretty sure that the drink in question isn’t a “Naggerita.”
A local print-shop employee (who asked not to be named) told Flagpole he spotted the drink name when a General Beauregard’s employee brought in five sheets of drink-making instructions to be laminated. Angry about the offensive name, he said he snapped a photo and posted it on Facebook. He later deleted the photo, but not before it spread online.
You know what I have learned when I turned 21 nearly 9 years ago? That everyone has their own favorite type of place to drink booze. Some prefer the club atmosphere. Some prefer the casual setting of a sports bar. Some prefer the peace provided to them by a quaint little speakeasy. It appears others even prefer the bigotry and prejudice they can find in a confederate themed racist bar in Athens, Georgia. Here's the thing, there's nothing wrong with that. Well, let me clarify, EVERYTHING they stand for is wrong, but the fact that they have a local watering hole that they can stop in and be themselves is not. Racists gotta drink too, and call me crazy, but I would rather they gather up and do so together then to disperse themselves throughout normal establishments that inhabit rational people that realize everyone is equal.
Does that mean they have the right to use a stereotypical African American flavor to make their blatantly racist drink? No, of course it doesn't. However, racist people are going to making racist jokes regardless, so let's just leave them be to do so in front of their own peers. You know how many black people have been in 'General Beauregard's'? None. Zip. Zero. That's why the only person at fault here is the guy that snapped a photo of this menu and put it on the internet. If anything, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the picture. I would have bet my life a bunch of Klan members weren't censoring themselves with asterisks. Those damn racists surprise me every time. Regardless, no black people would have seen this obvious case of racism if this guy didn't feel some fraudulent obligation to use a 'Black Lives Matter' hashtag. Now this place will inevitably face backlash, possibly get shut down, and you'll have a bunch of old, drunk, racist, white dudes roaming the streets looking for a new place to sit down and have a cold one. A new place that undoubtedly doesn't frown upon black business. I'm sure that will go over smoothly. Couldn't just leave the racists alone in their little shithole racist bar, making racist jokes, with their racist friends. Had to upset the delicate balance by going viral when you could have just taken comfort in the fact that the only racists in your town were all in one place. The fact of the matter is that you probably could have guessed that the place cluttered wit confederate flags had a drink called the "n****rita", but some things are better left unseen. Offensive jokes aren't offensive if they aren't made in front of someone that is going to get offended, but I guess we'll just leave it to the white Twitter activist to determine what gets broadcasted to a wider audience. He's the real authority on the matter.
Tha Cover 2- Glen Rice Jr., the son of former NBA All-Star Glen Rice, was shot in the leg Sunday at the rappers restaurant in downtown Atlanta according to WTOC.
An employee at the restaurant told police the men involved in the fight were asked to leave the restaurant. They then took their fight to the parking lot. After another man shot him, police said Rice tried to leave the scene.
Police said he dumped the revolver, which came up as possibly stolen, in a staircase near the restaurant and got into a Porsche with another man. The driver of the Porsche took Rice to Emory Hospital, where he got out and laid on the ground.
Police said a backpack found near the Porsche contained 240 grams of marijuana, about $5,900 and the revolver. The officer said they ran the serial number and it returned as stolen from Chattanooga, Tenn.
Rice, Jr., who is reportedly the son of NBA great Glen Rice, was taken to Grady Hospital for treatment. Rice, Jr. faces charges of reckless conduct and possession of marijuana.
- Carry a gun.
- Have $6,000 on your person.
- Have a 1/2 pound of marijuana in your pocket.
- Wear white pants.
- Wear socks with sandals.
No joke, I am pretty sure the last two are the most egregious crimes that Glen Rice Jr. committed. You wear white pants and something bad is bound to happen. Whether it be a dribble of BBQ sauce during dinner, or a nice clean gunshot wound to the leg, those pants were getting ruined either way. If you don't want blood soaked pants then don't wear pants that leave you vulnerable to blood stains. Pretty simple concept. I can't guarantee a darker shade of trousers would have saved him from obtaining a potentially life threatening injury, but I can promise that it would have given him a better chance of avoiding it. He could have left the house with no gun, drugs, or money, and carefully walked to church and those shorts would have been smudged with something. In fact, if he really wanted to wear them he should've sat down, put way too much ketchup on a burger, and tried to eat it without a plate. Get the disappointment off some ruined white clothing out of the way before he put himself at risk of a gunfight.
Socks with sandals aren't okay. Even Matthew Berry knows that, and he looks like the type of guy that would be most responsible for such a deplorable lack of fashion sense. Even if you are just walking down the street to the convenience store, you can't do so looking like that much of an asshole. You definitely can't do so when you end up in a rapper's high end restaurant with narcotics and firearms on you. Glen Rice Jr. pulled the trigger on the sock/sandal combo, and the trigger pulled back. I'm not sure what business he had in T.I.'s restaurant, nor do I know what his intentions were. I will say this though, he was dressed for exactly what happened to him. Wear the appropriate attire for the occasion. If the occasion is not dying then do not show up with the trifecta of trouble (guns, money, drugs) while wearing socks, sandals, and white pants. Glen Rice Jr. had that bullet coming to him.
Metro- We’ve all been through bad break-ups and let’s be honest, not all of us have a simple ‘conscious uncoupling’.
From old t-shirts to record collections, most of us acquire a lot of s**t from ex-partners.
But possibly the most sentimental item we are left with is the jewellery.
Ethical jewellery designer Anna Loucah, who is best known for her red carpet creations says: ‘The women that have commissioned me for remakes tend to see their decision as an empowering and practical one and I get the impression that they are celebrating the positive rather than reflecting on the negative.’
Or you can simply melt down old tokens of affection, as eccentric jeweller Jessica de Lotz did for one customer, where the process of making something new out of a piece of jewellery meant for her ex-fiancé, was rather ceremoniously described as ‘melting Simon’ (OK, that’s not his real name – we promised we wouldn’t reveal it).
Listen, I have never been engaged or anything like that, but can we just agree that divorce isn't something that should be celebrated? I have no problem with divorce. In fact, the concept of monogamy is becoming more and more antiquated, so if you feel you are better off without your significant other than go ahead and call it quits. There's no shame in that. What there is, or should be, shame in is taking a token of that failed marriage and having it re-crafted for personal use. Divorce is already prevalent enough. The last thing we need women to think is that they can get a new piece of jewelry out of it. Shit, flash the possibility of a shiny new necklace in front of a women's face and she'll leave her husband quicker than he can leave the toilet seat up. We should make people who are divorced feel bad. Not because they did anything wrong, but so that we discourage other couples that clearly aren't right for each other from ruining our weekends. Maybe a couple of unfriendly glances at a women wearing a scarlet letter, in the form of a divorce necklace, can deter others from making us spend $150 a plate just to see a ceremony that ultimately marks the beginning of the end of a relationship.
This is the difference between women and men. Women don't give a fuck where the shiny, valuable things come from as long as they have possession of them. A woman wouldn't even wash the dirt off her blood diamond before she was showing it off to her friends. Probably skip out on the funeral if the inheritance money came in time and it was during the last day of a sale at Macy's. Meanwhile men are throwing away tee shirts and keychains if they received them at a game that their team lost. That's what women SHOULD do. Sure, a diamond ring is much more valuable than a tee shirt, but is it too much to ask to sell that cursed ring and use the money to buy something that shithead ex-husband of yours didn't pick out? Doesn't that make more sense than symbolizing a period of your life that was an abject failure? The only gift you should receive from a broken marriage is a brand new lease on life, not a brand new piece of jewelry that tells other potential suitors "Iwas too crazy for the last man in my life".
Mirror- A Christian website is telling men the key to enjoying sex with their wife - even if she doesn't want it - is to look away from her face during the act. According to Biblical Gender Roles , a husband should "not tolerate" his wife refusing to have sex with him. An unwilling wife should "fake it until she makes it" the website claims.
However having sex with a reluctant partner isn't always enjoyable, it argues.
In which case, it offers the following charitable advice: "Focus your eyes on her body, not her face. Focus on the visual pleasure you receive from looking at her body and physical pleasure you receive from being inside your wife."
"You want to connect with her physically AND emotionally during sex.
"But your wife is the one refusing to connect with you emotionally, so you have to concentrate 100% on the physical side.”
To put things into perspective, the website compares unwilling wives to an ancient Greek mythological monster.
“I know you love your wife, most men love their wives. But sin is ugly. Your beautiful bride’s face becomes ugly during this sinful time that she is grudgingly giving you sex as she grimaces wanting you to ‘just hurry up and get it over with’.”
“So like the men who could not look at Medusa’s face otherwise they would be killed, realize that if you look on your wife’s face when she is displaying a sinful attitude toward sex it will kill your sexual pleasure and may actually make it much more difficult for you to achieve the physical connection and release that you need."
Well, it kind of sounds like these "Biblical gender roles" are condoning rape, so I think maybe I'll stop short of completely endorsing everything this Christian website has to say. However, while the thought process is questionable, the practice of not looking at your wife's face during sex makes complete sense. I am not even sure how you can disagree with that sentiment. If sex was better with eye contact then how come 90% of men finish doggy style? Riddle me that shit. Now, granted, I think it's probably more of a sin that men always want sex than it is a sin that women don't always want sex. However, if your better half is going to give it to you either way, then you shouldn't want to see her miserable face while it's happening. If anything can kill a boner it's your wife rolling her eyes, or yawning, or checking her phone, or looking at her watch. Sometimes sex isn't about love. Sometimes it's just a means to an end, and generally that end is a cesspool in the swell of her back. You don't need the sight of her face to accomplish that goal. In fact, it's easier without it. Having sex with someone that looks like they are disinterested in having sex is like going out to dinner with someone that is already full. It feels more like a chore than an act of pleasure, and no one wants to to reminded that they are having a much better time than their company.
Even when two willing, lustful parties engage in sex, how much eye contact is really taking place anyway? Like a minute? Maybe? Eye contact is hot for like 30 seconds before it gets weird. That's why the Lord, at least I think it was him, blessed us with so many different pleasurable positions. It's no coincidence that missionary sucks, and it's not just because it's boring. It's because it requires that awkward moment when you are looking at each other for too long, or she closes her eyes to think about somebody else, or you get caught staring at the TV out of the corner of your eye. The more serious a relationship gets, the less passionate the sex gets, so yeah, if you really want to enjoy fucking your wife stop trying to look at her. Not because she's acting out of sin, but because her facial expression is probably going to make you feel like less of a man. Christianity has some ridiculous ideals, but I think this time they just happened to get it right by accident.