And just when I thought I had exhausted all options in terms of maintaining my manhood's coziness. I guess I should wait to witness Connor McDavid's skill set in person a few more times before I criticize this Oilers fan for getting all bothered below his non-existent belt, but still. He just came out of the woodwork with what can only described as the "molding Play-Doh"/"trying to guess the object inside the box while blindfolded" combo. I want to say that was the least inconspicuous act of genital reconfiguration I have ever seen, but I don't think I have enough experience to be calling into question the practices of a man that wears generic brand sweatpants to a professional hockey game. If there is a person that knows how to literally keep the boys in line it's the guy that has sacrificed ever ounce of his self respect out of respect for his nether regions. You want to know how comfortable his balls are? Exactly as uncomfortable as we are watching him move them around as if he has testicular OCD. You want to say he's a social pariah whose grooming habits should have him confined to his own personal bubble? Well, I would tend to agree with you. However, I would be lying if I said there weren't times where my scrotal situation called for a drastic act of social unacceptability, and it's during those times that I wish I possessed the shamelessness of this disgusting son of a bitch who probably doesn't shower anywhere near enough.

At first, I too had a hard time thinking that some kid would step onto the floor during a professional sporting event and intentionally botch a backflip when doing so could have him potentially cracking his skull open on the hardwood. That is, until I realized the only thing that seems more preposterous than that is a kid having the nuts to point both fingers at the camera immediately before attempting a backflip that he clearly quit on about a quarter of the way through. Am I to believe that somewhere in that 1.5 second span between his showmanship and his cue that he went from the most cocky gymnast of all time to the most timid of gym class role players, or is it more likely that this was all just an attempt to go viral? That's a legitimate question, is it not? I would imagine that my attempted backflip would look dangerously similar to that and you can be pretty damn certain that I A) wouldn't agree to do it in front of an entire basketball arena, and B) would be trying harder to not kill myself than I would be to land it.

I may be giving the short white teenager sporting an oversized jersey and a Jew-fro the benefit of the doubt by assuming he purposely sacrificed his spinal health to get his 15 seconds of fame, but he fits the profile of someone that would do so. Plus, the alternative is that he's an idiot who drastically overestimated his athletic ability, and I think there would be a moment of hesitation/shock if he had just shattered the entirety of his over-inflated self esteem in front of tens of thousands of people. If that wasn't his plan all along then this kid deserves an Emmy for managing to play it off with nothing more than a quick clap and a seamless jog to the sidelines.

Whew. I'm not going to lie, this level of stupid is exactly what the sports world needed. Think about it. The Indians are on the verge of turning Cleveland - of all places - into some sort of half assed 'Title Town'. We were all in dire need of a quick reminder that they, as well as the Cavaliers, actually share a city with the Browns. Would have been mighty easy to ignore the weekly, winless trainwreck taking place next door while hoisting another championship trophy if Browns fans sat idly by and let people not pay attention to them. Unfortunately, there are Browns fans dumb (or loyal, I suppose) enough to pay good money to watch the Browns lose every Sunday, and therefore there are Browns fans that are dumb enough to draw attention to themselves by mislabeling three sections of a sign that took up the entirety of an end zone.

And sure, this makes all of Cleveland look like the clueless middle Americans everyone not from there assumes that they are, but maybe that's a good thing. After all, nothing makes a fanbase go from sympathetic to insufferable faster than the self importance gained from a couple championships...just ask Boston. That's why this act of sheer idiocy may have just saved the city of Cleveland from going from a feel-good underdawg to some arrogant, detested version of itself. I couldn't help but root against them if BelieveLand somehow became AchieveLand, but it would be impossible for them to take that label seriously with the biggest running joke in the NFL incessantly reminding people they exist. It's just exceedingly tough to act entitled and cocky when your peers are holding up banners that are in such disarray that they look like they are straight out of some well edited YouTube video that parodies the Browns, and a Cleveland that continues to make a mockery of itself is a Cleveland I can get behind. 

PuckDaddy- Craig Anderson left the Ottawa Senators last week to be with his wife Nicholle and their family after she was diagnosed with cancer. It was an early diagnosis. Much was still unknown, save for one thing: They needed him.

But Nicholle knew that Anderson has another family, on that suddenly needed him more than they had anticipated: Andrew Hammond, the Senators’ backup goalie, was placed on injured reserve with a lower-body injury suffered against Calgary on Friday. So she encouraged Craig to call GM Pierre Dorion, and let him know that he would rejoin the team in Edmonton for Sunday’s game.

Anderson made the start against the Oilers. He faced 37 shots. He turned aside 37 shots. With a heavy heart, Anderson led the Senators to a 2-0 victory over one of the NHL’s hottest offenses.

“Nicholle was the one who wanted Craig to come back. She was the one who said, ‘Craig, your teammates need you right now.’ We made this decision after consulting with Craig and Nicholle, their doctors, and we all felt because of this time frame it was all right for him to rejoin the team,” said Dorion.



​It's in these sorts of situations where you want to say that there are other forces at work. That sports can be more than just a game, and that even the people playing them sometimes can't truly determine the result. Unfortunately, I just can't do that. Not because this win wasn't more important to Craig Anderson and his teammates than any other random October victory, but because acting as if it was a product of fate would downplay what a grieving goaltender managed to achieve last night. Handing one of the youngest, most talented teams in the NHL only their second loss of a season with a 37 shutout that he had to be pushed into participating in at the urging of a wife that was dealing with a recent cancer diagnosis? Craig Anderson displayed a level of perseverance that can't possibly be explained solely by the supernatural.

A man playing one of the most pressure packed positions in all of sports went out there with the heaviest of hearts and accomplished something that requires a laser-like focus, and I don't exactly think I am going out on a limb in saying he did so in honor of his wife. So fuck praising sports for their occasional ability to help in the healing process. Let's instead praise Craig Anderson for being the consummate professional, a damn good goaltender, and an even better husband. Pretty clear the Anderson's are a family full of fighters so even though they are about to embark on the ultimate battle, I know who my money is on. The type of woman that tells her husband to go play when there are much more important things to worry about is the type of woman that can beat the most dreaded of diseases, and the type of man that can perform to perfection while supporting said woman is the best possible third man in. 

Fuck Cancer. 

P.S. And a tip of the cap to Cam Talbot for being a class act...

This may surprise you, but the main thing that has impressed me the most about the Devils this year (other than Taylor Hall being faster than my first sexual experience) is that the Devils have not been all that impressive. That's right, the fact that they have only shown occasional flashes of improvement is what has me most hopeful going forward. That may sound like raving of an overly optimistic lunatic, but the team that should probably have gotten off to a slow start given their daunting schedule and significant roster turnover is currently holding down a playoff spot (Yes, I know it's October) yet they've looked fairly mediocre in doing so.

Look no further than who has carried the all-too-light offensive load. Taylor Hall? The player whose relying solely on superior talent since he can't possibly be fully integrated into a new system when he has different line mates every other period. Travis Zajac? The player who some fans wish would stand in front of a microphone and vehemently apologize for his contract after every single game. P.A. Parenteau? The guy who was scooped up for the NHL equivalent of pennies after being dropped like a bad habit by a team below them in the standings. The Devils projected first line center - who most thought was destined for a career year - just scored his first intentional goal of the season and the Devils have gained 9 of their last available 12 points in the standings. Their bottom 6, while being much improved, hasn't contributed all that much on the scoresheet. Half of their top 6 has only occasionally peeked their heads out from their own asses to take a glimpse at what they are missing. The defense, while finally potting a few goals, has shown that it's still very much a work in progress.

Hell, the only thing that this team has proven reliable in doing on a nightly basis is icing otherworldly goaltending and picking up points. That can only be a good thing considering they are only going to get better as the season progresses. We've seen the increase in talent. We've seen the defense make a concerted effort to produce offense. We've even seen a motherfuckin' even strength goal or two. When we start seeing those things consistently this team should look much more formidable than their record says they are. Some might call the Devils commendable start a product of luck, but considering their shooting percentage currently borders on abysmal and impossible...well...tell 'em Vern...

Okay, let's just start by stating the obvious. The Saints - for once - benefited from the officiating yesterday. That's not to say that Seattle didn't earn their flags, but it is to say that New Orleans almost certainly deserved more than two measly false start penalties. Even the most black & gold tinted glasses can't shadow the obvious truth that there was a little home cooking going down in the Dome yesterday. Any Saints fan with an ounce of objectivity  is smart enough to admit that.

That said, Richard Sherman is also smart enough to know that he has no leg to stand on when it comes to whining about officiating. After all - as we've been reminded a nauseatingly countless amount of times - he did go to Stanford. One would think an Ivy Leaguer like himself would be intelligent enough to recount his offense's famously unsuccessful use of the very same pick play that he spent the better part of the postgame bellyaching about. How quickly he forgets that he's part of a team - and more so a secondary - that went to back-to-back Super Bowls on the back of a strategy that is best simplified as "well, they can't call everything...". I mean, disagreeing with a penalty or two is one thing, but playing the victim for a full two minutes seems a bit overboard. Complaints about the officiating overlapping into the same microphone from two different sources at one time like it was some sort of bitch-ception really clouds the main narrative of the game.

The Seahawks - save for one fumble return for a touchdown - got their balls handed to them yesterday. The result certainly could have been altered by as much as one more flag in the wrong direction, but if I were Seattle I wouldn't be waiting in the rain by the proverbial mailbox for an apology. New Orleans has been on the ass end of far too many phantom, game changing calls to feel sympathy for a team that's been reaping the rewards of uncalled penalties for years. Even Julio Jones would agree that this little "defensive backs in distress" routine is an example of an extremely short memory that should have a certain prestigious university asking for their diploma back, and he's part of a rivalry with the team that it's being made at the expense of.  

Doesn't it just warm your heart to see a player handle his return to the city that once embraced him as their own so well? And to think, I was worried that Jimmy Graham wouldn't be able to put aside the business of football (that he rightfully invoked to leverage himself the highest contract ever for a tight end/self proclaimed wide receiver) to show appreciation for a franchise whose offensive system was largely responsible for transforming him from a subpar collegiate power forward to one of the most dynamic weapons in the entire league. I'm just glad that he doesn't hold his abrupt departure against former teammates that have been nothing but complimentary of him as a player and person. Most notably, thee teammate that was most essential to his wealth of athletic and fiscal success. 

I thought all the unprovoked negative things he said about New Orleans were going to be reflected in his attitude following a devastating loss to his former team. It's really great to see that he didn't let his silence on the field carry over to the postgame. It sucks that the Seattle Seahawks are the beneficiary of his astronomic increase in mental toughness, but that's just the risk you run when you trade away a player of his caliber I suppose. They might just arrive at their new destination and use their previous experiences to learn some accountability. No one has ever painted a picture of new found maturity as flawlessly as the guy pretending he's looking at non-existent test messages while storming past a group of reporters asking fairly reasonable questions like they were homeless people begging for change. 

A message to anyone that still thinks that trading Jimmy Graham was a mistake: You're wrong. I was skeptical at first too, but it's really as simple as that. I'm not saying he was the primary source of the character issues that plagued the Saints towards the end of his tenure, but - if this "interview" is any indication - then he certainly wasn't helping matters. Obviously the swap would be more lopsided if Stephone Anthony hadn't completely misplaced the promise he displayed last year, but I would gladly take the stability that Max Unger has brought the interior of the offensive line over the offensive production that was easily replaced by a 34 year old. That's not a knock on Jimmy, but Drew Brees has proven - time and time again - that he doesn't need a $10 million dollar tight end to run one of the most dangerous offenses in the NFL. Especially when that $10 million dollar tight end that was basically invisible against a secondary whose really more of a tertiary after suffering so many injuries, and did his best route running when it came time to evade answering to his disappointing performance. 

P.S. I don't want to question the opinion of a vanilla, former born-again-virgin doofus who speaks solely in cliches, but if Jimmy Graham is a "true pro" then I would really like him to give me an example of a "false pro"...

Well, well, well, who would have thunk it? Take the tens of thousands of screaming fans who are e amplified by a structural sound stadium designed to make them louder than they actually are and beating the Seahawks doesn't seem like such a tall task. It's weird, everything I heard was that their fans travel as well as their defense. I guess they must have meant that they don't keep each other awake by weeping loudly on the flight over, and it's good thing they don't because their tears ducts would have been empty when it came time to cry about yesterday's officiating. Strange, you hear a lot less about the Seattle faithful flying their "12th man" flags when their oft-utilized "13th man" - the officiating crew - isn't tossing flags in their favor. It's really their own damn fault when you think about it. If only Earl Thomas had thrown in a peck or two while using a referee as a stripper pole then he probably wouldn't have felt so dirty and used afterwards...

​Anyway, were you questioning just how difficult it is to overcome giving up a defensive touchdown in the NFL? Well, you're in luck because I got the answer for you. Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, all I have for you is a modicum of wit and enough experience watching Saints games to be quite familiar with the best ways to lose football games. The real answer lies in the game tape, which shows one team dominating the other in nearly every facet of the game that isn't non-offensive scores. Without exaggeration, the Seahawks ran a dozen plays in the first half. If you walked to the fridge for a beer at the wrong time you could have missed all of their points, yet they still managed to hold a lead at the break. The Saints scored on FIVE straight possessions (granted, far too many were field goals) against one of the best defenses in the league, their beleaguered defense somewhat magically held an opponent to 13 points, and they STILL needed a 6 inch overthrow on the last play of the game to win. If that doesn't speak to how badly an untimely turnover can swing fortunes then I don't know what does. I feel bad for Mark Ingram because it's the first season in which he's lost more than one fumble, but I'll be damned if his benching wasn't necessary considering how hard Tim Hightower has ran in spot duty.

At the end of day, it doesn't really matter whether or not the score reflected the true disparity in play. The Saint won against an opponent that is damn near unbearable to lose to, and they inched ever so closer to respectability in doing so. This team is clicking on all cylinders offensively, finally getting healthy defensively, and has a hardly handicapable 49er's team in the crosshairs. Not to look ahead of any opponent but 4-4 with a realistic shot at winning the division seems like a certainly. Unfortunately, that position is one the Saints seemingly find themselves in annually and the ensuing games generally provide the most depressing results. However, I'll be damned if a win over Seattle isn't enough for me to suppress the thought of impending doom and be blindly optimistic that this team has turned a corner with their shutdown corner on the verge of returning to the lineup.

Cue the 'hot take' specialist/prima donna pussbag that's going to come out of the woodwork and criticize this poster as an endorsement of fighting in hockey instead of just treating it as a creative, symbolic portrayal of the  ongoing battle against a horrific, deadly disease. You know there's going to be one. There is always one guy that values "originality" (AKA controversy) over the use of their brain. Fuck that pseudo-hypothetical guy and fuck cancer, I hope they both get their teeth knocked out.

Anyways, the Devils appeared to have handled this whole cause terrifically just earlier today signing 9 year old Santino Anastasia to a one day contract...

...and giving him an exclusive tour around the building...

Hopefully the kid has some scoring touch because the team could definitely use some help in the top 6...and I'm only mildly kidding. 

Okay fine, we really need to build a wall around her entire household, because clearly this is an act of BRUTAL parenting. Still, precautions need to be taken so that I don't ever run into this cretin in the streets. Fucking little idiot can't even vote yet and I already think we need to strip her of the right to live amongst society. This isn't some endorsement for Hillary as President. Hell, it's not even in opposition of Donald Trump as President. This is just a realization that any young person with a sponge-like brain that has already been hypnotized into thinking Donald Trump is "the greatest person in the whole entire world" probably needs an exorcism or an underground bomb shelter to forever call home.

It's just not safe for anyone - no matter who they are voting for - to be walking around thinking that either of these candidates are good people, never mind the "best" people. Especially young kids who might treat these two jackasses as role models, and/or share their "knowledge" with their impressionable, snot-nosed little friends. I hate to say this because she is just a child, but she's probably a child that needs to be shipped off to live on her own personal island somewhere. She can bring her parents with her since they probably set this video up thinking they could sway a voter or two to their side by using their insufferable loudmouth of a daughter, but she's simply gotta go. With those unsalvageable fangs, she's probably better off not trying to make it through the American public school system anyway. 

Yahoo- Durant finally finished up the workout and, on his way out of the arena, met briefly with reporters.

“Nobody in this arena right now, and that’s when you get better,” Durant said. “Nobody sees you when you’re doing this stuff right here, but luckily y’all was in here watching.”

“That’s what I say to myself when I’m working,” he said. “I hear it all the time. You hear the noise. You hear what they say about you. Everybody hears it. So it’s a little extra motivation when you hear it.”

“It’s not that I read it — it’s just in the air,” he said. “You know it’s just in the atmosphere and people tell you and you hear about it. You guys ask me questions about it all the time, so obviously I know, but I’m not losing sleep on it. It’s just wood on that fire.”

On the media response to Golden State’s big debut loss, Durant said, “Obviously you hear everything. Season’s over, the team is worst team in the league, you thought it was going to be easy. It’s one game. I thought, after losing in the playoffs by 30 or beating someone by 30 in Game 1 of the playoffs and you say it’s only one game.”

Durant’s closing statement, said with laughter as he left: “It’s one game of 82 and you f—ing guys make me feel like the world’s going to end.”



You know what's so funny about this. It's - quite literally - a case of Kevin Durant projecting all of his own personal insecurities on the media.  Forget the fact that he's self motivating by insulting himself. I have no issue with that. I take umbrage with him pretending he didn't know there was a camera damn near touching his back while he did so, but I have no problem with him finding weird and quirky ways to keep himself inspired.  

What I do take issue with is him flat out making shit up. Who said their season was over? There's not a single person on planet Earth that said Golden State was the "worst team in the league" just because they got their dicks kicked in (for a change) by the second best team in their conference. There's not one reporter that could make Kevin Durant feel like the world was going to end unless he, himself, was treating one loss like it was the end of the world. We may have got allllll these jokes off, but no one - and I mean NO ONE - is under the illusion that Kevin Durant and the Golden State Warriors aren't going to work out the kinks and become a dominant team in short order. 

If pretending the weight of the world is on his shoulders - despite playing with 3 All Stars that can ease that burden - makes KD a better competitor then by all means, but let's not go around putting words in the world's mouth. Some of us may have implied that he was a coward when he took the coward's way out, but all that other shit he said is straight from his own damn head. I feel pretty comfortable saying that about someone that wrote reminders to "have fun" and "smile" on his shoes during the playoffs. ​

Deadspin- Former Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary was one of the key witnesses in the prosecution of Jerry Sandusky. He claims that he saw Sandusky raping a boy in the Penn State locker room in 2001, and that he reported it quickly to Joe Paterno and other university officials. After he was not retained in 2012 amid massive public scrutiny, he filed a defamation suit against the school. This afternoon, a jury ruled that Penn State did defame him after he came forward, and they awarded him $7.3 million.

McQueary’s initial suit was for $4 million as well as a rider meant to cover the potential income he could have made over 25 more years of working as an assistant coach. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that McQueary’s testimony cost him a great deal:

Now divorced at 42, jobless and living with his parents at their State College home, the 6-foot-5 former quarterback testified Friday that he has been unable to find work since Penn State placed him on paid leave, citing safety concerns in the days after Sandusky’s arrest, and later decided not to renew his contract.



​Doesn't it just warm your heart when good things happen to good people? I mean, who deserved a seven figure settlement more than the guy that knowingly worked alongside someone that he watched sexually abuse a young boy in a shower for damn near a decade after the fact? Things weren't looking so hot for McQueary there for awhile. Believe it or not, people aren't exactly quick to hire those that are complicit in covering up an ever-expanding ring of child rape. I know, that information knocked me back a few steps too. You see one kid get fondled, sit silently by for years as it goes undisciplined, and wait until the fondler retires to speak up and all the sudden your resume is meaningless? You wait until it's convenient for you to put a sickly prick behind bars, and out of nowhere you're no longer a good fit for literally any other workplace? It's like that first year or two of honest work meant nothing when the subsequent nine years were marred by one of the biggest, most disturbing scandals in the history of college athletics. Seems pretty unfair if you ask. 

​I don't know if it's 7.3 million dollars unfair, but hey - I'm not here to but a price tag on the hardships one incurs after ending up unemployed with a well decorated history of enabling a pedophile. I'm just here to appreciate a super guy getting what he deserves - a lifetime of financial security for blowing the whistle on a horrific, disgusting crime after it claimed about 57 more victims than it needed to. Now if you'll excuse me I just have to run to the bathroom really fast...

NYPost- Dr. Richard Harkaway, a Philadelphia urologist who is originally from Long Island, wrote that it was Westbrook who initiated the confrontation, which ended with Harkaway being tossed from the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia during the 76ers’ season-opening loss.

“To all my FB friends who are seeing a picture of me on the Internet giving the finger to Russell Westbrook. Actually two fingers,’’ Harkaway wrote in a private post. “Not as simple as it seems. I love to scream at the players and anyone who has been to a game with me knows this. Part of my charm. What you may not have seen on any of the video clips is what started the whole thing, which was Russell Westbrook saying ‘sit down f—ing fat boy’ when I stood up to boo.”

“I am sometimes sensitive about my plumpness,’’ said Harkaway, who also dabbles in stand-up comedy. “I guess I got a little out of hand."



1) I'm fairly certain that if Russell Westbrook's "thing" was to go around to every overweight fan sitting within ear shot and fat shaming them then we would have heard about it before now. There's simply no way the professional basketball player is the person that started this confrontation. Did he send back a barb about old boy's FUPA after chubs booed obnoxiously in his face? Maybe, but that would be warranted because there is absolutely nothing "charming" about being the grown ass man that makes a habit out of yelling at players from the sideline and I am in favor of any returning insult that could possibly correct that behavior. 

2) Hey Doc, don't quit your day job. A part time stand-up comedian that can't laugh at his blatantly obvious flaws? How about you just keep fixing those dicks, Dick? Leave the funny business to the people that know how to take jokes at their expense in stride. Imagine this guy getting heckled at an open mic? Nothing loses an audience quicker than turning beet red as you aggressively give them the two finger salute. Come on Richard, you'll never be able to stop examining past-their-prime scrotums if can't learn the art of self-deprecation. I don't know what type of material this guy uses for his act, but laughs are the only thing his over-inflated ass is leaving on table if none of his one liners are belly-based. Fat is funny, self consciousness is not. Not only is this guy an awful fan, but he's an undoubtedly a room killer. Just up there getting all pissy every time someone mentions that the mic cord is running right between his tits. He needs to accept his damn body, because he can't play the victim when he literally makes a hobby out of victimizing others for shits and giggles.

You know how they say it's better to let people think that you're stupid than to open your mouth and prove them right? Well, along that same vein, I think it's better to let people think you're undeserving of playing time then to snag an arrant pass and prove them right. Some will praise this guy for taking a hit without pads and managing to hold on to the ball, but I'm much more concerned with his inability to drag that toe. Don't even try to tell me that he didn't have a boundary to worry about, because everyone who has tossed the old pigskin at a tailgate knows that you don't need something as silly as a sideline to make sure you get your second foot down. That's instinctual for me after about 6 beers and a bag slap, so it damn sure better be a force of habit for an NFL skill position player who's trying to get the call up to the active roster. No one asked him to make a play on that ball. However, once he decided to he turned that shit into an audition, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news - but he didn't get the part as WR #5. Back to the scout team with this one. Absorbs contact like a champ, but controls his lower body extremities like Draymond Green. With Blake Bortles (in)accuracy this year, there's no way that's a skill set that's going to get someone out of sweats. 

 YardBarker- A seven-year-old Chicago Cubs fan was injured as Cleveland Indians fans celebrated during Game 1 of the World Series at Progressive Field, suffering a concussion.

The incident occurred when the Indians scored first on the way to Tuesday’s 6-0 Game 1 victory. As the Indians fans in the bleachers around them began celebrating, Johnny was elbowed in the head, knocking him out for approximately 30 seconds, says his father.

“He spun around and I caught him, he was crying hysterically,” Wallach said, via NBC Chicago. “That’s when things kind of went off the rails. Things went from being a dream to a nightmare so quickly.”

“Here I am on the ground with my 7-year-old son and they’re shouting, ‘Cubs suck,’” he said.

“It was scary and confusing and awful and I felt like we were just hung out to dry,” he said. “You don’t see that in Chicago. I would never expect that in Chicago in a million years.”



Okay timeout, let's back away from the plate here for a second and take a look at the facts. Having your injured 7 year old son get heckled at a baseball game is bullshit. However, so is saying that your kid "got knocked out" by an Indians fan. Clearly all that happened was you bought tickets in the cheap seats and your son got in the way of a rowdy fan of an equally tortured franchise who got a little too excited in the area of the ballpark where that type of behavior is generally encouraged. To say that a similar situation would never happen in Chicago is a heaping pile of happy horseshit. If Kris Bryant hit a game winning 9th inning bomb into the right field stands in Wrigley then you better grab your child or get stuck holding your piece as you try to signal for medical help amongst thousands upon thousands of raucous fans. 

The aftermath could have (and should have) certainly been handled better, but they are called the "bleacher creatures" for a reason and it damn sure ain't because they are respectful of other's personal space. And honestly, why should they be? If my team was in a championship series after the droughts that the Indians and Cubs have suffered through I would be going nuts if I wasn't regulated to the framework of my seat. Yeah, it sucks that your son caught an elbow to the dome, and it sucks that there were a few idiots that were too intoxicated to understand the severity of what was going on, and it sucks that you missed the game. However, if you didn't want that to be a distinct possibility then you should have been more mindful of your surroundings or narrowed your search on SeatGeek.

YardBarker- Details surfaced in the wake of the Vikings’ disappointing 21-10 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday that Zimmer had warned his players about becoming overconfident upon the return from their bye week. He had done so by allegedly littering the locker room with slaughtered stuffed animals, mostly cats. The throats of said stuffed animals were slit and red paint had been splattered upon some of them. Hanging on a large stuffed animal cat was a sign read, “Fat Cats Get Slaughtered.”

After firing off a series of sensational headlines from reports he printed off alleging his purported exploits, Zimmer disputed his role, saying any stuffed animals he had at team headquarters were destined for charity.

“I want to set the record straight on an erroneous report that I feel like attacked my character and my reputation,” Zimmer said, via ESPN. “Actually, the stuffed animals I did have here were given to charity, to Toys for Tots. It just kind of goes to show you that when one thing gets out there — and it was updated correctly, that I had nothing to do with it — but unfortunately, the headlines still keep coming out, and it bothers me.”



A man is only good as his word so I'm really trying not to call into question Mike Zimmer's here, but - if I'm being honest - I'm having a hard time doing so. It's not that he strikes me as the type of person to turn his locker room into the scene out of Quentin Tarantino's hypothetical version of 'Toy Story'. It's because I am bothered by the thought of the person with a sickly enough imagination to make something like that up walking amongst us. It's certainly fucked up for Mike Zimmer to executing stuffed animals ISIS-style, but at least he's a football coach. They are supposed to be pseudo-psychotic nut jobs that are awake 22 hours out of the day drawing up plays and conjuring up motivational tactics. I could let it slide if he just went a littttttle too far after overworking himself into a hallucinogenic psychosis. What I can't let slide is someone whose profession it is to report the news fabricating such an oddly gruesome visual out of thin air. That's the type of lunatic who needs a straight jacket, a padded room, and eternal solitary confinement. I don't know who first leaked this story, but it's either they lose their ability to interact in society or Mike Zimmer cuts the bullshit and comes clean. I'm trending towards thinking it's more than likely the latter, because the best way to get people to stop asking questions about your homicidal tendencies towards inanimate representations of kittens is to start jabbering on about charitable donations.

Not going to lie, this might not be the worst idea in the world. I know, I know. That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works. Professional organizations don't depend on anonymous donations via the internet to bail them out of comically bad financial commitments. Still, I think if I were a Texans fan I would throw at least $5 or $10 at this GoFundMe just so that the fraudulent sense of potentially contributing to the exile of Brock Osweiler could help me sleep better at night. 

Seriously, has a signing that everyone knew was bad when it happened ever proved itself to be even worse than that this quickly? Brock Osweiler is HORRIBLE. Like, quite possibly worst quarterback in the league horrible. Like, ruining DeAndre Hopkins entire career snap-by-snap horrible. Do you understand how impossible that seems? DeAndre Hopkins flourished with Brian Hoyer, Ryan Mallett, TJ Yates, and Brandon Weeden throwing him the ball last year. That's like the 'Who's Who?' of underwhelming journeyman backups, and the current Texans QB has made them look Canton-bound by comparison. On Monday night Brock Osweiler looked like a poor man's Trevor Siemian, which would be fine if he wasn't the one that's worth SEVENTY TWO MILLION DOLLARS.

I feel like I owe John Elway an apology. There was a time during the playoffs where I thought the Broncos were just starting a corpse at quarterback because of that corpse's name, but it turns out a half dead Peyton Manning really was their best option. There's a lot of players that get used as an example when talking about how badly mediocre quarterbacks get overpaid, but Brock Osweiler as a running joke/warning sign might stand the test of time. Honestly, when the poor bastard is out of the league in two years are you really going to forget a name like Brock Osweiler? I know the Texans fans that would gladly be a little lighter in the wallet if it meant getting rid of him won't.

In theory, I love this interaction. Takes me wayyyy back to my college days when I showed up to class with eye-black on to hand in a paper and make "I think we understand each other" eye contact with my professor before bolting to a tailgate 8 hours prior to the kickoff of Rutgers biggest win ever. Sometimes - when it comes to sports - even the non-athletes ain't come to play no school. I'm glad that this professor understood that, but I am a little confused as why he's treating his Geology course like it's not some bullshit class that kids only take to fulfill their science requirement without avalanching their GPA. 

I took Geology. Hell, I damn near overslept my Geology mid-term and I still got a B+. The idea that Damian Nance is taking attendance TWICE a class when said class is about goddamn rock formations is absolutely bonkers to me. You have to swipe in AND stay the entire time to learn about plate tectonics? Since when is finding creative ways to get out of yawning through boring ass lectures "deceit". I thought it was an unspoken part of the college curriculum. After all, how many different kinds of erosion can one possibly hear about before that information starts to erode away at their ability to stay awake? I'm glad he let a student enjoy a once in a lifetime experience without being penalized. That said, can he get those slides up on the website like the other self aware professors of fairly useless electives that damn near no one is going pursue professionally. As far as I am concerned, this kid would have been well within his rights to swipe in, drop off his homework, and immediately bolt to the liquor store to pick up some piss beer in order to properly get lubed up for some championship baseball. 

What can I say, this one got me. Hook, line, all the way down to the sinker. I got about halfway through this note thinking it's author was just going around snooping in car windows looking for packs of smokes and then BOOM...he dropped the "your parking gave me a terminal disease" bomb. I generally think it's bullshit to anonymously call someone out, but - as with anything - it's all about the execution. Don't tell me this didn't get results. I refuse to believe the recipient isn't a little more aware of his surroundings now that someone told him/her they needed a chemo-therapist to get over the physical and emotional damage done by his piss poor parallel parking. This person has almost certainly started backing their car up and straightening it out within the lines after an unknown victim implied that their abilities behind the wheel should come with a Surgeon General's warning. It would take a real social pariah to continue pig parking after being as cancerous to society as the daily ingestion of tobacco smoke. How could you not do a little self reflection when ever point of your crappy K turn could be subtracting from someone's white blood cell count? Some might say it's disrespectful to use your grandfather's death to make a harsh joke at the expense of a stranger, but I personally think that his (a guy DEFINITELY wrote this) grandfather would appreciate that his death wasn't for naught and helped in correcting someone's behavior.