As It Turns Out, Tiger Woods Was Ludicrously High The Night He Got Arrested For A DUI

LBS- Results of the toxicology report from Woods’ DUI arrest in May were made public on Monday. The report shows that five substances were found in Woods’ system, including two painkillers, a tranquilizer, a sedative, and THC. 

The two painkillers he was on included Dilaudid and Vicodin; he was on Xanax, a tranquilizer typically used to combat anxiety; he used Ambien, a sleeping pill; and THC was found in his system, which is found in marijuana.

The results of the toxicology test were made public because Woods pleaded guilty to reckless driving and agreed to enter a diversion program, meaning there is no longer an active criminal investigation. Woods can have the charge wiped from his record once he completes the program.

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​So, we can throw out the theory that the professional golfer who has completed as many back surgeries as golf tournaments over the last 5 years was - in fact - not just an innocent victim of irresponsible dosing, right? I'm not exactly a doctor, but even I am familiar enough with a vast majority the toxins in his system to say that Tiger Woods was very much complicit in fucking himself all the way up before getting behind the wheel.

Vicodin, Xanax, and Ambien?!? Using a little green as a garnish on his cocktail of capsules?! Tiger Woods wasn't just high, he was as high as you have ever been...if you took ate two more weed brownies after hitting your peak. I was super skeptical that he "accidentally" reached a point in which he ceased to be a functioning human that could formulate words, but you can't really benefit from doubt when your toxicology report reads like the prescription that a frat brother brings to his street pharmacist.

Christ Tiger, how about mixing in a type of medicine that every stay-at-home mother hasn't heard of? Couldn't at least give your fans the appearance of your innocence by taking one of the thousands of pain killers that has a scientific name with 19 consonants and side effects are unknown to the average idiot? Preferably a disgraced a professional athlete wouldn't be treating his medicine cabinet like Augustus Gloop treats his Halloween candy before deciding that the foot he couldn't feel should be on the pedal of a motor vehicle. However, if he was going to do it then he should have at least left us open to the possibility that gross negligence was mildly responsible for his reckless endangerment. Can't really make that argument when you mix three of the most popular pills in the world with a little bit of reefer like you're some basic ass college burnout, but hey - look on the bright side - at least he wasn't drunk, right?!?
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Statement from Tiger Woods: pic.twitter.com/XzlESOGOxK

— Jason Sobel (@JasonSobelESPN) May 29, 2017