Confirmed By Cubs Announcers: Conor Gillaspie Has A HUUUGE Knob

Holy hell! Who knew?! Standing at 6'1 and weighing in at 195 pounds of the whitest of white meat, Conor Gillaspie - of all people - is slinging the biggest knob in the league! Must be March Madness, because Upset City's population just got a +1 baby! God bless Len Kasper and Jim Deshaies. Without their uncanny unawareness and attention to detail we never would have thought about how much tape would be required to keep that sucker from rising up out of nowhere (their words, not mine)!

I gotta say, once the production team zoomed in on that thing I couldn't help but marvel at the girth of it either. Someone better alert the Giants' equipment manager, because their utility infielder is basically up there swinging away with a third leg! It's impressive how he's able to handle it when it's merely laying against the crotch of his pants. Can you imagine having to rest it on your shoulder!?! I suppose Mets' fans should feel a little bit better about the home run that ended their season, because Conor Gillaspie was bound to go deep when carrying that kind of lumber.

By the way, I'm officially all-in on spring training broadcasts. After yesterday's color-blind JaCoby/Jacoby Jones mix-up and today's sexual innuendo segment, there might not be better mindless, midday television than completely meaningless baseball games. That video could easily double as a comedy skit, and it was done by two guys that DEFINITELY aren't super familiar with the discography of 'Three 6 Mafia'...