Sorry to go all "Gregg Popovich", but I'm going to need an immediate timeout here... ::steps outside and takes deep breathe of freedom:: Okay, we're good now. I just need to remind myself what it was like to not be trapped in the torture chamber that was that a Dwight Howard quote that was as cringeworthy as it was exasperating. Seriously, having never been waterboarded the following might be presumptuous, but enduring that eardrum pun-ishing answer had to be the closest thing to the audible equivalent. By the time he let the room know he was joking, thirty full seconds into the joke, I was honestly wondering whether or not I was going to come out on the other side of it with all my senses in tact. Had a screwdriver been within arm's reach, I'm no so sure I wouldn't be Googling the intricacies of lip-reading, for the undeserved laughter that filled that room of reporters and saturated the ego of the sociopath speaking vanished what little hope I had for the news' breakers in the Nation's Capital. The overdone clap that followed the longest 52 seconds of my life was somehow the most disingenuous #FakeNews to come out of Washington in the last year, and that includes every single optimistic soundbite about Dwight Howard's fit in a locker room whose fuse is already on ticking time following the introductory press conference. The most enigmatic man in basketball is already going above and beyond in trying (and, in the opinion of every person with a sense of humor that exceeds the 3rd grade level, failing) to make himself seem likable. If history is any indication, that means it's probable his entirety transparent "see, it's everyone else's fault I got bad rap at every single stop along my career path!" schtick will have already drove John up the Wall by Week 2 of the regular season, never mind Year 2 of the most dimwitted contracts ever designed.
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