“I don’t know what they were talking about, I did nothing intentional. That was bull-crap, there was nothing intentional. I was just trying to dance. One of the guys came in and bumped into me. I was really shocked. I was trying to talk to the refs and let them know. I guess I accidentally touched something. Nothing intentional. It was a bad thing.” - Evan Engram
Ah yes, the old unintentional grabbing of one's own crotch. It's almost as if the male species is so genetically predisposed to playing with themselves that it just occurs naturally by happenstance sometimes. One might even say that idle hands are the dick's playground, and - while the lights might shut off - the park is never actually closed. Unfortunately for Evan Engram, NFL officials have been sworn to penalize even the most inadvertent patting of the penis, so - by the penal code of the 'No Feeling (Yourself) League' - he was guilty nonetheless.
I know it seems like a bunch of "bull crap" that you can't even mistakenly get caught culminating your first ever end zone dance with a two second pose in which you appear to be giving yourself a hernia test without getting flagged. I think it's pretty safe to say that Evan Engram totallllllly didn't mean to hit the Michael Jackson right into the lens of the "candid" camera he was performing in front of. If I had to guess, the "head-on" angle made it look like more of a masturbatory move than it actually was. However, the Giants' rookie tight end should let this serve as a lesson to him just as it served as a lesson to Pee-wee Herman. When you're caught chillin' with your hand on your dick in public it becomes very hard to give you the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully next time he'll remember to make his way back to the tent on the sideline before instinctually making sure all systems are go.