Good News, Alcohol Was One Of The Only Drugs Not In Tiger Woods' System During His DUI Arrest

Statement from Tiger Woods: pic.twitter.com/XzlESOGOxK

— Jason Sobel (@JasonSobelESPN) May 29, 2017

FoxBusiness- Pro golfer Tiger Woods disclosed to the Jupiter Police Department a variety of prescription drugs that he may have taken after he was arrested for a DUI while asleep at the wheel of his car.

In the probable cause affidavit, first obtained by The Palm Beach Post, Woods said he has prescriptions for four drugs, Soloxex, Vicodin and Torix. He also listed an anti-inflammatory drug Vioxx, but noted he had not taken the drug in over a year. Vioxx, which was manufactured by Merck (NYSE:MRK), was pulled off the market nearly 13 years ago after allegedly being linked to cardiovascular issues.

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Whew, here I was thinking that Tiger Woods knew the danger he could have been to other drivers when he got behind the wheel, but nope - he just had an inexplicably bad reaction to a handful of pills that undoubtedly resembled the prescription equivalent of a mixed bag of Skittles. What a relief that it wasn't alcohol that was that was to blame! Those gosh darn side effects. You just never know when they are going to creep up and bite you in the ass at the worst possible time. Especially when there's three (maybe 4, but who is counting?) different lists of them that could come into play to counteract each other. I mean, seriously....who would have guessed that taking multiple painkillers would leave someone woozy and at risk of an untimely nap? 

Jeez, now that I know that Tiger Woods didn't negligently wash down his drug cocktail with a beer I almost sort of feel bad for him. He's not a criminal that knowingly swallowed a pharmacy before hopping in what basically amounted to a high velocity death contraption. He's just a victim of modern medicine and the problems that result when you try to talk advantage of everything it has to offer....at the same damn time. Poor guy. There better be some doctor out there that loses it's license after such a gross act of treating an adult like responsible adult. Someone needs to admit fault, and I'll be damned if it should be the guy that left the house looking like he either got repeatedly hit over the head with a bottle of one of the only substances not in his system or fell victim to another golf club.