Middlebury College Is Banning Energy Drinks Because They Make The Students Get Drunk And Have Sex

NBC-  Say goodbye to the caffeine-fueled all-nighter: Middlebury College in Vermont has banned campus sales of popular energy drinks such as Red Bull and 5-Hour ENERGY. 

College officials blame the drinks for contributing to "problematic behavior," such as alcohol abuse and "high-risk sexual activity," and say they don't contribute to the dining service's mission to "nourish" its students. 

A prominent flyer in the college's Wilson Cafe states: "Energy drink consumption facilitates unhealthy work habits such as prolonged periods of sleeplessness, contributing to a campus culture of stress and unsustainable study habits."

The college also links these drinks with increasing likelihood that students will drive drunk and use other "intoxicating" substances.



​Ha! Good luck getting wasted and slipping it some random broad you met 15 minutes ago Middlebury College students. Your institution of higher learning just completely disconnected you from all forms of fun by banning sugary drinks that act mostly as a placebo for those that need a little kick in the rear. How are you going to squeeze vodka shots, sex, and studies into one day now? Enjoy rearranging those priorities. Probably pass out in the library before you even have the chance to get your hands on some generic brand beer and a sexually uninhibited coed. No more "problematic behavior" for you guys. On the plus side, this all but eliminates the need for cramming sessions. Finally kids will have to treat their education like it's a full time job. Wake up at 7, school from 8-5, dinner at 7, study hour at 8, and asleep by 9. That's a solid 10 hours of rest right there. Very conducive to making sure the brain is running on all cylinders during the time of day that's its taking in the most information. Did Middlebury just increase the value of a college education by banning Red Bull? I think they did. No one will have the drive to drink. No one will have the stamina for unprotected sex. Everyone knows that those extra 5 hours of energy were when all the morally reprehensible activities took place. Energy drinks have been eliminated and students will have no choice but to focus solely on their schoolwork...unless there is a Starbucks nearby.