NASCAR Driver Kenny Wallace Once Shat Himself Before A Qualifying Race

LBS- “I believe it was maybe 1997, 1998. I was qualifying our Cup car at Rockingham. I was walking towards my car and I had to fart. So I said I’ll just fart a little bit here, and I just sharted,” Wallace shamelessly admitted to Cohen and Babs. 

The SiriusXM radio hosts then asked whether Wallace changed. Sadly he did not.

“I had to qualify with crap in my pants!” Wallace exclaimed. “So listen to this though — I qualified second, I started front row outside. When qualifying was over, I hurried back to my motor home, made sure I took a shower and got some brand new underwear.”

Since it was only qualifying at least Wallace didn’t have to drive with the soiled pants for a few hours, but it was long enough to be uncomfortable. 

“I was in there and then I was doing media interviews. It was probably a good 10 minutes sitting in the car and then (I had to) do TV because I qualified.”



Good News: It's no coincidence that Kenny Wallace qualified with crap in his pants. Hell, I am surprised he didn't win the whole damn thing by a full lap. Ever been stuck in traffic when you have to shit? I have made Kurt Busch look passive behind the wheel when I have been in desperate need of a toilet seat. I'll make Tony Stewart look innocent if it allows me to feel cold porcelain on my anxiety ridden ass even one second earlier. I am totally not speaking from experience or anything, but you won't waste a single movement if you drunkenly let a little slip out at the bar, never mind sitting in a caged, enclosed area as the stink festers around you. Kenny Wallace probably ran the most focused, technically sound race of his entire life. I bet he cut at least 5 seconds off his personal best. I'm pretty sure that's an insanely unlikely feat, but impossible is nothing when you've soiled yourself in public. 

Bad News: No one has ever been less happy with themselves after successfully qualifying for a NASCAR race. There's just something about walking around smelling like your own feces that makes you feel like less of a man. Even if it's after a fairly impressive accomplishment. I am surprised that Kenny Wallace is even talking about it because what he is supposed to do is push the memory of the entire day out of his mind completely and never, ever revisit it again. I bet he felt so bad about himself that the only thing that stopped him from slamming his car into the wall after crossing the finish line was the low percentage of race related deaths. It was either that or the thought of being found dead while sitting in a pile of his own excrement. Whatever the case may be, Kenny Wallace has never hated himself more than when he was driving 200 MPH around a circular track smelling like an unemptied port-a-potty. Even if he was ahead of a vast majority of his competition while he was doing it.

Gotta believe this picture was taken during the day in question...