Only Phil Kessel Could Get Emasculated By His Sister's Hockey Team While Chasing A Cup

Limited edition @AmandaKessel8 #BestKessel shirts are on sale now!#ReptheRivs in style: https://t.co/OFi4VTnymj pic.twitter.com/Hczgz4EH16

— New York Riveters (@NYRiveters) May 13, 2016

If there is anything that I have learned from Donald Trump's Presidential campaign it's that all is fair in love, war, and shameless self promotion. That's why I don't like what the New York Riveters are doing by photoshopping the least flattering picture of Phil Kessel's fat face into a social media post, but I certainly understand it. I think it's a bit disingenuous to use the popularity of a superior player's unpopularity to get his sister noticed, but when you are in marketing for an NWHL team there's only so many ways to successfully advertise.

If Phil Kessel wasn't pocketing millions upon millions of dollars and contributing significantly to a Stanley Cup contender then I just might feel bad that he's being mocked on the internet by a fucking women's hockey team. Fortunately he is so I am sure he's not all that concerned with his sibling - who would just be a (really hot, really talented) complete unknown if it wasn't for him - using his indecipherable jawline and general unlikability to sell some merchandise. The Riveters know that if they took Phil's greasy face out of that tweet and the '#BEST' away from the nameplate they would be left with a t-shirt that they would end up selling at half price to all 25 of their season ticket holders. They also know that if they make a shirt that not-so-passively insults an oft-criticized NHLer that is LOATHED in the biggest hockey city in the world then they just might get a couple hundred Maple Leafs fans to purchase it ironically. Count that extra coin ladies, but you better use some of it to fund Phil's hot dog habit or don't expect the Lord Stanley's Cup to make a pitstop in Brooklyn anytime soon.