Maxim- Dear Ronda: What should a guy NEVER do in bed? What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? (Asking for a friend.) - Jack, 36, Los Angeles
For what you should never do: Don’t bite my teeth! If my teeth are repeatedly hitting your teeth, then there’s a problem with what you’re doing. That freaks me out. I don’t like it. It’s terrible. I have a thing about my teeth. Even though I do a sport where I get punched in the face for a living, if your teeth hit my teeth more than a few times, I’m over it already.
What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than you’re being lazy...and you’re not taking your time.
Full disclosure, I wasn't exactly going to Ronda Rousey for tips on my love life, but now that we have ended up here can we just discuss why NO ONE should doing so? Jesus Christ Ronda, Jack is a 36 year old man. A 36 year old man who is about 16 years too old to be writing in to a female UFC fighter's advice column in Maxim. That guy is desperate for help, and the best thing you got for him is "don't bite teeth"? Who in the fuck are you sleeping with? Teeth can be extremely useful in the bedroom, but there is literally no more than a handful of people on earth that are using them bite other teeth. Have you even had sex Ronda? Are you a virgin? This conversation bears a striking resemblance to when Andy was describing a pair of tits as a bag of sand. That's not a thing, and neither is this. Next you are going to tell me that vaginas feel like warm apple pie. Maybe if you stop looking for dates on the 'Crest' message board then your experiences might actually become relatable.
I appreciate your willingness to help, but to be quite honest, you're not fucking helping at all. You're like the kid that asks to help bring in the groceries and drops the bag with the eggs in it. You are butchering this whole process. The fact that Jack is a over-35 Maxim subscriber means he's probably pretty single and probably pretty lonely. It also means that he probably isn't very good in bed. I would imagine he doesn't get too many repeat customers. This was his attempt at finding out why and all you told him is to not bite teeth? Now he probably thinks he's an award winning cocksman because he has never done the one thing that like 5 people in the history of have boning have ever even attempted. I don't even know how to bite teeth? That strikes me as hard to "accomplish", never mind during the act of penetration. Seems likes it's destined to end in at least an extremely awkward dentist visit or two.
Don't bite teeth and don't stick it in dry. So basically don't have sex like you aren't from this planet? Thanks Ronda. Even Seth's fat ass from 'SuperBad' knows that you don't need to bring your own lube. What do you think Jack is sleeping with a bunch of dried up old ladies?* Seriously though, quality reading. Totally worth my time. You have made me feel exponentially better about my prowess in the sac. Unfortunately you did the same for Jack, and as the 36 year Maxim reader, that confidence is bound to be of a false sense.
*Jack might very well be sleeping with a bunch of dried up old ladies.