Slate- Dear Prudence, Q. My Son Can’t Keep His Hands Off Himself: I am a single mother with a 14-year-old son. I knew this time was coming but now I fear I am close to my wit’s end. I have seen evidence in his bedroom, the laundry room, and the kitchen. I know this is normal, but how much is too much? Things escalated last week when his hockey coach called me in for a conference. I have noticed my son has been taking a lot of penalties this season. It turns out he has been intentionally going to the penalty box to pleasure himself. I lashed out at him when about this and things have been awkward around the house this weekend. Am I overreacting? I know I have to talk about this with him in a calm setting, but I always find the thought of this type of discussion horrifying. I am losing sleep and I don’t want to succumb to letting his father deal with this, but what should I do?
Atta boy! Just trying to get your protege his cup of coffee in the one man show! Jesus, let the kid plant some seeds in the penalty box. Giving new meaning to the term 'sin bin' one stroke at a time...
This is kind of has to be the first step in the 'Mom, I'm gay' talk, right? I have played hockey for a long, long time. Spent probably 10% of my life in the box. I have also gotten aroused in a variety of inappropriate situations. Not once have I pitched a tent mid game. That's some crazy shit. On top of that, to intentionally take penalties to get back to your beat sesh is utter lunacy. You really have to be turned on to be that committed to the cause. Know who gets really aroused in front of sweaty 14 year old boys? Sayreville football players, Jerry Sandusky, and gay adolescents.
You know when you're a young teen, trying to sneak in a few grabs at your groin before someone else walks in the room? Couple minutes here, somebody comes home, couple minutes there. It's the absolute worst. Now imagine doing that in like 30 second intervals. It's not like the engine is already running once you get in the box. You got to undo your equipment and get your soldier to stand at attention. I don't care how young and horny you are, by the time you're at half mast the penalty is about to expire. Even the craftiest of stick handlers can't work under those conditions.
Here we have one fantastic reason not to coach youth sports. How the hell do you have this conversation with a mother and keep a straight face? I'm assuming this is a recreational league where everyone is allowed to play. I mean, the kid clearly cares nothing about winning. If it were a competitive league it would be pretty easy to justify his dismissal from the team. So, what do you do as the coach? Keep playing him and be on the penalty kill the whole game? You can't bench him. Any 14 year old crazy enough to grease the pipe in a penalty box will crank shank on the bench too. Awwwwkward. Just a no win situation for everyone. Well, almost everyone. Let the kid finish or kick him off the team, either way it's a dishonorable discharge.
P.S. Wouldn't need an advice column if the father was involved. Doesn't take a genius to tell your kid to stop pulling his piece out in public. Figure it out Prudence...