For what it's worth, that was probably the best throw of Tim Tebow's "illustrious" multi-sport career. It may have been unintentional, but if he had displayed that type of arm strength in the NFL then we might still be debating whether or not the undeserved media attention was worth keeping him on to not contribute anything as the 53rd man on a roster. After all, if the lifetime earning of JaMarcus Russell are any indication then eye-popping athletic feats that are completely meaningless and accomplish absolutely nothing can be pretty profitable.

In all seriousness, this play is pretty representative of why Tim Tebow needed to try a new sport. Name me one player that could do a better job turning himself into a public spectacle during a pathetically uncontested strikeout for a Minor League team that no one pays attention to...

Now whack yourself on the ass with a wooden spoon for being a no good, filthy liar. The former Florida Gator can't even swing at a ball and miss it completely without becoming a parodied version of a professional athlete. If you can't just go about your business and blend in as a crappy hitter in one of approximately one thousand inferior baseball leagues then is there really a sport you could play without making yourself a story for all the wrong reasons? I wish I could feel bad that - despite his best efforts  - he's making a mockery of himself, but that would directly conflict with the belly laugh I let out as Tim Tebow's bat damn near flew into the upper deck. 

Watching a red hot Nolan Arenado hit a dinger that simultaneously won the game and completed the cycle while ultimately resulting in a celebratory ending so bloody that it would make John McClane proud was nothing short of awesome. For that reason, I am glad that San Francisco Giants chose to pitch to him in a spot where they were tempting fate by doing so, but I just can't - for the life of me - figure out why they thought it end any other way.   

I don't have to be an analytics geek to know that intentionally putting two runners in scoring position while up one in the bottom of the 9th is a bad managerial decision. Unfortunately, throwing one straight down the pipe to a .300 hitter who was seeing the ball like a .800 hitter and was one swing away from a milestone seems like a worse managerial decision. I'm all for playing the percentages, but not when it's undoubtedly going to test the baseball gods. 

​Admittedly, I have a half assed knowledge of the game but stepping to the plate with the game and a cycle on the line seems like a pretty rare opportunity, and sports have a way of turning the rare opportunity into the unbelievable occurrence. Somehow, that home run felt too good to be true and also insanely predictable. I don't want to tell Bruce Bochy how to do his job, because he and his three World Series rings might be a tad bit better at it than myself, but when history is a knockin' it might be wise to close the door on the open base you have afforded to you. Not because it would have been a wise baseball choice, but because - from the Giants perspective - the potentially game winning bat would have been better off in literally anyone else's hands. 

I know I am taking some liberties here, but there is just something oh-so-fitting about a guy named 'Dick Justice' accidentally using an explicit, inappropriate word for vagina that I can't even blame Richard for a slip that could have potentially been Freudian depending on the state of his marriage. I never thought I would consider a grown man saying "cunt" on live television to be a fateful result, but that's the first time that I can remember hearing a 'C' bomb get mistakenly dropped mid-broadcast and the person who detonated it just so happens to have a name that basically translates to "due process on behalf of the penis"?!

I go back and forth on whether or not I believe in a higher power, but if there is one up there then that son-of-an-unsatisfied-bitch sure has a fucked up sense of humor that I can truly appreciate. I may still be in the cun....errr.....hunt for salvation. However, if it means I get some more ironic, awkward, and x-rated miscommunications on the channel devoted to the most stick-in-the-ass league in all of sports then Lord Jesus, the wheel is all yours buddy. 


​h/t AwfulAnnouncing  

Yahoo- Major League Baseball will relax its uniform rules for a weekend later this season, allowing players to put nicknames on the back of their jerseys, wear fluorescent-colored shoes and personalize a patch paying tribute to someone instrumental in their development, according to a memo obtained by Yahoo Sports.

The event, called Players Weekend, is planned for Aug. 25-27 and was negotiated between the league and MLB Players Association. Players long have sought to express their personal style on the field and capitalize on the intersection of fashion and sports in a way other leagues don’t allow, and the result will be a test of boundaries baseball may be inclined to stretch in the future depending on the weekend’s success.

Players will have the option to wear a jersey with a nickname – though they are limited to just one, according to the memo, and “inappropriate or offensive” nicknames will be banned.

The items with minimal color restrictions include spikes, batting gloves, wristbands, compression sleeves and catcher’s masks. The colors, according to the memo, must avoid interfering with the game and an umpire’s ability to make a call. White gloves, wristbands and sleeves are prohibited.

Each jersey will feature a patch with space for a player to personalize it by “writing the name of an individual or organization that was instrumental to his development,” according to the memo.

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Ut oh. The strict, overprotective parent is trying his hand at playing the cool dad, and - predictably - it's coming off forced and unnatural. I'm glad that 'Major League Baseball' finally appears to realize that it needs to make some concessions to it's unwritten uptightness in order to appeal and relate to younger fans, but this is like Father Baseball showing up to chaperone in a backwards hat. Newsflash Pops, when the kids said they wanted you to chill out a bit they wanted you to make the game more entertaining, not more cringeworthy. 

Admittedly, the personalized honorary patch is a great idea and I'm not afraid to admit that my stupid brain occasionally finds itself drawn to bright colors, but stealing a novelty marketing tool from a defunct football league run by a egomaniacal wrestling tycoon comes off as trying too hard. That's not to say that some players won't appreciate having the opportunity to rock their nickname, but maybe it would be wiser to focus on the problems that will still exist after one wild and crazy (relatively speaking) weekend.

For instance, if a player can't celebrate a big hit - while wearing pink batting gloves with some locker room inspired alias stitched into his back - without having a fastball whizz by his jawline his next time up then isn't the entire purpose of making baseball more "fun" largely defeated? I think it would be interesting to see who professional athletes credit for their success via an emblem on their uniform....until I fall asleep during the 7th inning of a 3.5 hour game. Baseball is always going to be slower and drag more than most sports so some of it's problems are inherent, but the ones that are simply a product of their prim and proper self importance aren't going to be solved by collectively taking on an actual personality for a few days. 

 
You know, one would think there nothing praiseworthy about not knowing the most basic aspects of the sport which you are paid to cover, but asking a question that's so dumb that it gets cut off by recipient before it even truly begins is quite the time saver. I'm sure Dave Roberts would rather talk to media members that are aware of the fundamental concept that walkoffs are literally impossible on the road, but if he's going to have to deal with painful stupidity then it might as well be so egregiously stupid that he feels comfortable interrupting it prematurely.

Sure, technically it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt, but if your profession actually requires you to remove all doubt then you might as well rip that knowledge bandaid off nice and quick. Plus, if the worst thing a reporter can do is ask a moronic question then the reporter in question has yet to hit rock bottom. That was simply a moronic statement of fact, and it was statistically accurate at that! Just look at the bright side...we might not have the next Buster Olney on our hands, but we've got a guy with a hell of a lot of room for occupational growth!

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I didn't laugh when that kid realized that his oversized melon was paralyzed by the pain of the expedited ingestion of a sugary frozen beverage, so I'm not going to discourage you from doing so either. However, let's make one thing very clear - what we all inevitably laughed at was nothing short of child abuse. That poor ginger is about 8 dozen bouts with brain freeze away from accepting it's existence, and some minor league ball club exploited his child-like innocence (i.e. negligence) for mid-inning entertainment.

Now, I don't think that temporarily feeling like you're going to turn to stone has any lasting effects on kids or my parents could have taken '7-Eleven' to court before I hit middle school. Still, the Memphis Redbirds took advantage of children by giving them free treats, and - whether there was a nondescript van present or not - I'm pretty sure that's universally frowned upon. That doesn't make this particular scene unfunny, but I speak for ever person that used to be stupid, stubborn brat that repeatedly saw their short life flash before their eyes after drinking a slurpee in seconds when I say that this was just plain mean. 

Oh look, a military themed game  worn jersey whose apparently spiking proceeds (I'm assuming) go to a good cause that just happens to make light of a skirmish that - while laughable and suspension worthy - managed to get even the most casual fan to pay attention to baseball for the day! What a novel idea! Turning what the league perceives to be a negative into a profitable positive! Maybe the MLB is starting to become a little self aware and cater to a younger and (as the adults thinking they know what the kids say say) "hipper" demographic that collectively laughed out loud when Bryce Harper (possibly intentionally) threw his helmet about 30 yards wide of his target. I knew those self sabotaging wet blankets had to eventually dry off at some point...

::auction immediately gets pulled once it gains online traction::

Yup, that's definitely more on-brand.

I know that Jerry Remy sounds like an out-of-touch idiot for wanting to legislate the ways in which foreign players get more accustomed to playing on the professional level in a completely different country. I know that the Red Sox color commentator's opinion sounds like a manifestation of the antiquated, unaccepting attitudes of the elderly people in charge of a sport that essentially considers "the right way" and "the white way" to be synonymous. Still - while I am inclined to shame his subliminally prejudice line of thinking - I would rather take it one step further. Fuck eliminating translators who aide in the communication between teammates that ultimately benefits the actual game play. That type of institutional bias is too small time. Why not just go all the way with it and re-segregate the league? 

I know that sounds harsh, but just take a second to think about it. If there is anything that will teach the old guard that the MLB should be doing anything and everything to cater to minorities it would be watching the type of bush league baseball that would be played without minorities. Take all the latino players off the Phillies for one week, and see if Mike Schmidt is still hesitant to build around one as the centerpiece of the lineup solely because his brand of English is maybe 10% as broken as the rules and regulations governing a dying sport. Imagine Jerry Remy missing out on the opportunity to call the career of the next 'Big Papi' because his Dominican successor wasn't as quick learning the intricacies of English? Let's see if he's so quick to summon his white privilege in hopes of shortening the occasional mound visit by a couple of seconds if he's not careful what he wishes for and it costs him the privilege to watch the most athletically superior of ball players. 

Obviously I am being completely facetious. However, at this point I'm not sure there is anything - other than the death of every old, stubborn asshole that glorifies the days in which Babe Ruth was knocking some schmuck named Chad around the neighborhood - that could help to make baseball more progressive. I do know that the sport isn't exactly growing in the states, so maybe the actual move is to make Spanish the official dialect of the diamond. I suppose that doesn't exactly help Masahiro Tanaka. However, there probably wouldn't be too many announcers lightening the blow of saying "learn it or leave it" by using a transparent term like "baseball language" in an effort to disparage a guy for his inability to completely adapt to a new culture if those announcers were no longer old, white, and repressed. 

FTW- This week in bad ideas for promotions comes this — now deleted — announcement from the Ogden Raptors — a Class A affiliate of the Dodgers: Hourglass Appreciation Night. The release was dated June 3 and appeared to be deleted sometime on Monday, June 5.

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Look, I'm all for the pursuit of true equality by blindly pretending that every female - no matter her size or shape - is beautiful, but can we stop playing stupid here? I agree that whoever is in charge of marketing for the Ogden Raptors probably shouldn't have referred to the fine ladies of the 'Stars Talent Studio' as a type of horse, because nothing gets panties in more of a collective bunch than comparing women - attractive or not - to farm animals. That being said, I can't possibly fault them for pandering to the predominantly male sensibilities of sports fans by shamelessly parading hot chicks around the stadium. Maybe implying that having a figure that is damn near impossible to attain without some combination of plastic surgery, bulimia, and photoshop makes you better looking wasn't the smartest PR move, but the same can't be said for using boobs to increase business.

As long as the hired eye candy - that needed to meet a superficial beauty requirement to get their job in the first place - doesn't mind being ogled then why the hell should anyone else care if they are? Minor League Ball Clubs aren't trying to embolden a patriarchal society by metaphorically staring down at half naked broads through the glass ceiling in which they are hypothetically restrained. They are just trying to put asses in their seats, and - historically speaking - sex(y) fucking sells. It was unquestionably sold wayyy too recklessly in this case, but there's a reason that good looking people of any and all genders are referred to as "attractive" and it's because they attract others that could potentially be paying customers. 

Oh, the irony. The mascot of a professional sports team finally engages in a gesture that falls directly in line the attitude of those who he is paid to interact with.....annnnnnnd it results in him removing the obnoxiously large baseball atop his head for the last time. I get that Mr. Met can't go around giving the "middle" finger to every unruly fan, but I would think a vast majority of those in attendance actually appreciated having their costumed representation appeal to their sensibilities. After all, that damn thing has been smiling far longer than any real Mets' fan should. With the amount of happiness he's been tasked with spreading throughout a stadium that houses nothing but impending disappointment, he should reserve the right to tell some people to fuck off. You know how much sweat he has probably poured into that suit while trying make customers temporarily forget that they are paying for pathetic baseball? You'd be a little less than cheery too if you had to energetically run around for 9 innings while the players making tens of millions all-but-quit after 5. As far as am concerned, Mr. Met's explicit exasperation with everything the organization stands for is so perfectly symbolic that he deserves a raise, but - alas - 2017.

Man, how long do you think old wristbands has been waiting for his one shining moment? If I were a  betting man I would place a wager that he's stained many-a-bedsheet just dreaming of the day he would get to hop on camera and kick a fan out for interference. You see the hitch in that giddy-up? It's almost like he spent the middle of every prior inning stretching in case someone got a little too anxious in search of a wayward grounder. Those oblivious fans probably thought he was rocking that long sleeve 'Under Armour' in case it got a bit chilly in Atlanta during a random night in late May. Nope. He just wanted maximize the sweat absorption after undoubtedly working himself into a lather enforcing stadium rules. 

As far as taking the ball from an ecstatic kid is concerned, I can't even really blame him. Sure, he looked like a hard ass tracking down a souvenir that was obtained by illegal means and ruining a kid's night, but I'm pretty sure he only did so because he wanted to put it in a plastic holster atop his mantle to commemorate a job well down. From here on out that ball will be considered his lucky ball, if only because it was a result of preparation finally meeting opportunity. 

​Oh, and also, he's a loser. 

Objectively speaking, Joey Votto won this war of words. Regardless of your opinion on how much wit is required to properly execute a well timed fat joke, doing so undoubtedly packs more of a punch than telling a professional baseball player who is hitting over .300 in the Major Leagues that he's no longer good at baseball. The Cincinnati Reds signed Joey Votto to 10 year, 225 million dollar extension in 2012, and - without having a visual of this loudmouth - I think it's fair to say he let his body and his pride go to shit well before that.  

Unfortunately, engaging the type of fan that pays entirely too much just to sit up front and insult the players he's sacrificing his (second or third) lunch money to watch is a no-win endeavor. Obviously anyone who appreciates professional athletes as the insanely skilled entertainers they are would score this round in favor of Joey Votto, but it's no surprise that his "opponent" kept swinging after a joke that certainly served as the bell. This exchange highlighted the complete lack of shame that one has to have to get into a pissing contest with a pro ball player, and it left said pro ball player running low on allowable retorts. Basically, it was an example of how thankless it is to argue with stupid, especially when stupid is sitting behind a screen safe from actually answering to his baseless taunts.

To put it in terms of video games, an overweight heckler​ is like the boss at the end of the level that aimlessly hurls fireballs while needing to be hit 100 times before he dies, and - due to his profession as a public figure - Joey Votto had a limited bag of libel to fire shots from. If rendering someone speechless is the ultimate sign of victory in shit talking then the jackass unseen still had a ways to go before he choked on his slanderous tongue. That's too bad, because Joey Votto clearly would have done an even better job slamming the door shut on his entire existence if he were at liberty to come unhinged. 

Irresponsible. Reckless. Dim-witted. There's no shortage of words you could use to describe the type of dad that's going around buying tall boys for short boys that are about a decade away from carrying an all-you-can-drink card in the form of an ID. 

Now, I won't use any of those words, because the visual of a kid picking up a beer that's bigger than his bicep behind a graphic for a youth-centric promotion that's also providing the background noise is too perfect for me to worry about how he's being raised. Personally, I wouldn't drop $12 bucks on an adult beverage for my hypothetical pre-teen, but if you're going to be the cool, involved parent that serves a minor so as to better monitor his drinking (5-7 years too early) then you might as well do it when there are older women around for him to impress. I think we can all agree it's wrong to intoxicate your child when his learner's permit is still a pipe dream, but this is probably the safest way to do so. Feet kicked up, watching baseball, and sipping piss water that even an 80 pound human being would struggle to get drunk on? Probably not what the Pirates had planned for 'Kid's Day', but it is kind of endearing that this little dude wanted to reenact how his dad spends 'Father's Day'. 


​h/t BustedCoverage

Maybe a heterosexual, white male like myself shouldn't be the one dissecting what's wrong with a social media promotion that was clearly viewed as sexist enough to eventually get it taken down. After all, I usually identify with all cliched male interests that businesses use to catch my eye and empty my wallet. I may not "love" baseball, but I like it enough to consider eating lukewarm hot dogs and drinking overpriced beer in the sun a "win". So yeah, unfortunately I can't relate to having companies unfairly target me because their aim is typically spot on. That said, the fact that I am essentially the masculine equivalent of a basic bitch doesn't mean I can't see when a blatant act of pandering misses it's mark.

I know the obvious problem with this tweet is that it's frowned upon to imply that an entire gender can be persuaded to go places and do things with shiny accessories, but - in my opinion - the underlying issue is far more important here. It's not just the idea of it being a generalization. It's the fact that it's soooo far off base that it didn't even require a slick pick off move to get outed. There are undoubtedly some ladies that are prone to 'buy, buy, buy' when jewelry is used as a selling point and they definitely aren't the same type of ladies that would be caught dead with a shitty, replica World Series ring on their finger. On the other hand, the female fans would have interest in the type of "jewelry" that you'd find at the bottom of a 'Cracker Jack' box likely already had tickets to begin with. Stereotypes exist for a reason, but this misstep was more like a stereotypo. I know this kind of goes without saying since we are talking about some dude sitting behind a keyboard who can't promote a stadium giveaway without an online mob forming at his proverbial doorstep, but the Cardinals' social media person has a lot to learn bout women.

First and foremost, this kid is incredible. He's undeniably a better catcher as a 14 year old with one arm than I would have been with three arms during my athletic prime. There's just nothing you can do but tip your cap to a persistent 8th grader who refused to let his handicap handicap him. If I tried to gun down a runner with my catching arm there's about a 97% chance the run would score without the ball leaving the 5 foot radius around home plate, so the fact that this kid looks like he's already deserving of a baseball scholarship is insane.

That being said, is he absolutely in love with playing catcher? I can't help but think he received some bad coaching along the way. If calling the game while kneeling behind the plate is his passion then he should continue to pursue it with the unmatched perseverance that he already has, but we can all agree that this is the least convenient spot for him on the baseball diamond, right? It may come off as rude, but this kid's sanity is more at risk than his knees. He certainly didn't get where he's at by being adverse to tedious tasks, but if I drop a pen more than once I am leaving it on the ground forever so I doubt I would make it to the second day of tryouts if  had to collect my mitt after every single pitch. It's obviously it's an unfortunate product of his condition, but it's not one that's currently being minimized. With that hand-eye coordination he could probably excel anywhere in the infield, so why not move him to a position where he only has to fetch his glove a couple dozen times a game? 

I got to be honest. When I first saw this video of Manny Machado going full-truck driver in response to being repeatedly targeted by Red Sox pitchers I began to wonder how it snuck past me a week ago...until I realized that this happened again last night.

I don't know how long is too long to hold a violent, vengeful grudge but I do know that we owe the spiteful women of the world an apology, because apparently it's now "hell hath no fury like a baseball team scorned". I mean, I could somewhat understand the continuation of this feud if "hell hath no fury like a second baseman spiked", but Dustin Pedroia has made it pretty damn clear that he's long been over the dangerous slide that temporarily took him out of the lineup.

That's why it's starting to look mighty pathetic that his organization is acting like an angsty teen that won't stop lashing out. Like, how many unanswered messages did Boston intend on sending before the recipient finally got tired of pitches buzzing past him and lost it? I guess Manny took his sweet old time rounding the bases after going deep the day before and apparently Mookie Betts took an errant pitch off the thigh. That said, if the gamesmanship in this rivalry were an iPhone text conversation then the Red Sox cell phone would have been a sea of blue with a couple of one word answers mixed in prior to Machado dropping a rant that would force them to scroll up multiple times. Christ, can't they just get over it already? It would be one thing if their not-so-passive aggressive antics were having the desired effect, but something tells me that's simply not the case...

Call me crazy, but I don't think this is the greatest of looks for Beantown. By no means am I labeling Boston a racist city or implying that the overwhelming minority are the voice of the vast majority when they prejudicially heckle professional athletes. Just saying, we don't need audio or visual evidence for this previously unsubstantiated Adam Jones story to seem pretty goddamn substantiated now,  so maybe their population has a couple more handfuls of shamelessly outspoken bigots mixed in?

​I suppose one could make the argument that he was lying (although that's an insanely dangerous/borderline discriminatory assumption to make) in order to pander towards a citywide, negative stereotype. However - even on the off-chance that he did - there's a reason why he was successful in doing so. I would imagine it's similar to the reason that a relatively unbiased third party weighed in sounding like he is responsible for forming a 62 person group chat with the sole purpose of reminding black ball players to block out the racial slurs of Red Sox fans.

Now, I don't think that African American Major Leaguers are giving new meaning to the term "AA Meeting" by therapeutically discussing their traumatizing experiences in Massachusetts with each other on a regular basis. It's pretty telling that the Yankees pitcher felt strongly enough about the subject to paint that picture, but if this were as common of an issue as C.C. Sabathia is making it sound then he almost assuredly would have spoken up during the near-decade he's spent as part of rival organization.

​Still, soft spoken veterans don't often powerfully insert themselves right into the center of racial controversies unless they are absolutely certain there is something to them. So maybe - just maybe - it's time for the proud Fenway faithful to open their ears and try to keep their bad eggs in check so they can start to rid themselves of a rotten reputation that's largely undeserved. 

UPDATE: This was all a premature overreaction. You hear those cheers? Racism is dead and it will be remembered as fondly in Boston as Aaron Hernandez...