Joey Votto Dropped An A+ Line On An Unruly Fan, But Proved Why It's Impossible To Argue With Stupid5/24/2017 
Objectively speaking, Joey Votto won this war of words. Regardless of your opinion on how much wit is required to properly execute a well timed fat joke, doing so undoubtedly packs more of a punch than telling a professional baseball player who is hitting over .300 in the Major Leagues that he's no longer good at baseball. The Cincinnati Reds signed Joey Votto to 10 year, 225 million dollar extension in 2012, and - without having a visual of this loudmouth - I think it's fair to say he let his body and his pride go to shit well before that. Unfortunately, engaging the type of fan that pays entirely too much just to sit up front and insult the players he's sacrificing his (second or third) lunch money to watch is a no-win endeavor. Obviously anyone who appreciates professional athletes as the insanely skilled entertainers they are would score this round in favor of Joey Votto, but it's no surprise that his "opponent" kept swinging after a joke that certainly served as the bell. This exchange highlighted the complete lack of shame that one has to have to get into a pissing contest with a pro ball player, and it left said pro ball player running low on allowable retorts. Basically, it was an example of how thankless it is to argue with stupid, especially when stupid is sitting behind a screen safe from actually answering to his baseless taunts. To put it in terms of video games, an overweight heckler is like the boss at the end of the level that aimlessly hurls fireballs while needing to be hit 100 times before he dies, and - due to his profession as a public figure - Joey Votto had a limited bag of libel to fire shots from. If rendering someone speechless is the ultimate sign of victory in shit talking then the jackass unseen still had a ways to go before he choked on his slanderous tongue. That's too bad, because Joey Votto clearly would have done an even better job slamming the door shut on his entire existence if he were at liberty to come unhinged.
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Irresponsible. Reckless. Dim-witted. There's no shortage of words you could use to describe the type of dad that's going around buying tall boys for short boys that are about a decade away from carrying an all-you-can-drink card in the form of an ID. Now, I won't use any of those words, because the visual of a kid picking up a beer that's bigger than his bicep behind a graphic for a youth-centric promotion that's also providing the background noise is too perfect for me to worry about how he's being raised. Personally, I wouldn't drop $12 bucks on an adult beverage for my hypothetical pre-teen, but if you're going to be the cool, involved parent that serves a minor so as to better monitor his drinking (5-7 years too early) then you might as well do it when there are older women around for him to impress. I think we can all agree it's wrong to intoxicate your child when his learner's permit is still a pipe dream, but this is probably the safest way to do so. Feet kicked up, watching baseball, and sipping piss water that even an 80 pound human being would struggle to get drunk on? Probably not what the Pirates had planned for 'Kid's Day', but it is kind of endearing that this little dude wanted to reenact how his dad spends 'Father's Day'. h/t BustedCoverage The St. Louis Cardinals Tweeted Then Deleted Some Casual Sexism While Promoting A Stadium Giveaway5/9/2017 
Maybe a heterosexual, white male like myself shouldn't be the one dissecting what's wrong with a social media promotion that was clearly viewed as sexist enough to eventually get it taken down. After all, I usually identify with all cliched male interests that businesses use to catch my eye and empty my wallet. I may not "love" baseball, but I like it enough to consider eating lukewarm hot dogs and drinking overpriced beer in the sun a "win". So yeah, unfortunately I can't relate to having companies unfairly target me because their aim is typically spot on. That said, the fact that I am essentially the masculine equivalent of a basic bitch doesn't mean I can't see when a blatant act of pandering misses it's mark. I know the obvious problem with this tweet is that it's frowned upon to imply that an entire gender can be persuaded to go places and do things with shiny accessories, but - in my opinion - the underlying issue is far more important here. It's not just the idea of it being a generalization. It's the fact that it's soooo far off base that it didn't even require a slick pick off move to get outed. There are undoubtedly some ladies that are prone to 'buy, buy, buy' when jewelry is used as a selling point and they definitely aren't the same type of ladies that would be caught dead with a shitty, replica World Series ring on their finger. On the other hand, the female fans would have interest in the type of "jewelry" that you'd find at the bottom of a 'Cracker Jack' box likely already had tickets to begin with. Stereotypes exist for a reason, but this misstep was more like a stereotypo. I know this kind of goes without saying since we are talking about some dude sitting behind a keyboard who can't promote a stadium giveaway without an online mob forming at his proverbial doorstep, but the Cardinals' social media person has a lot to learn bout women. 
First and foremost, this kid is incredible. He's undeniably a better catcher as a 14 year old with one arm than I would have been with three arms during my athletic prime. There's just nothing you can do but tip your cap to a persistent 8th grader who refused to let his handicap handicap him. If I tried to gun down a runner with my catching arm there's about a 97% chance the run would score without the ball leaving the 5 foot radius around home plate, so the fact that this kid looks like he's already deserving of a baseball scholarship is insane. That being said, is he absolutely in love with playing catcher? I can't help but think he received some bad coaching along the way. If calling the game while kneeling behind the plate is his passion then he should continue to pursue it with the unmatched perseverance that he already has, but we can all agree that this is the least convenient spot for him on the baseball diamond, right? It may come off as rude, but this kid's sanity is more at risk than his knees. He certainly didn't get where he's at by being adverse to tedious tasks, but if I drop a pen more than once I am leaving it on the ground forever so I doubt I would make it to the second day of tryouts if had to collect my mitt after every single pitch. It's obviously it's an unfortunate product of his condition, but it's not one that's currently being minimized. With that hand-eye coordination he could probably excel anywhere in the infield, so why not move him to a position where he only has to fetch his glove a couple dozen times a game? The Red Sox Are Still Throwing At Manny Machado, And He Is...Uhhh..."Explicitly" Upset By It5/3/2017 
I got to be honest. When I first saw this video of Manny Machado going full-truck driver in response to being repeatedly targeted by Red Sox pitchers I began to wonder how it snuck past me a week ago...until I realized that this happened again last night. I don't know how long is too long to hold a violent, vengeful grudge but I do know that we owe the spiteful women of the world an apology, because apparently it's now "hell hath no fury like a baseball team scorned". I mean, I could somewhat understand the continuation of this feud if "hell hath no fury like a second baseman spiked", but Dustin Pedroia has made it pretty damn clear that he's long been over the dangerous slide that temporarily took him out of the lineup. That's why it's starting to look mighty pathetic that his organization is acting like an angsty teen that won't stop lashing out. Like, how many unanswered messages did Boston intend on sending before the recipient finally got tired of pitches buzzing past him and lost it? I guess Manny took his sweet old time rounding the bases after going deep the day before and apparently Mookie Betts took an errant pitch off the thigh. That said, if the gamesmanship in this rivalry were an iPhone text conversation then the Red Sox cell phone would have been a sea of blue with a couple of one word answers mixed in prior to Machado dropping a rant that would force them to scroll up multiple times. Christ, can't they just get over it already? It would be one thing if their not-so-passive aggressive antics were having the desired effect, but something tells me that's simply not the case...
Call me crazy, but I don't think this is the greatest of looks for Beantown. By no means am I labeling Boston a racist city or implying that the overwhelming minority are the voice of the vast majority when they prejudicially heckle professional athletes. Just saying, we don't need audio or visual evidence for this previously unsubstantiated Adam Jones story to seem pretty goddamn substantiated now, so maybe their population has a couple more handfuls of shamelessly outspoken bigots mixed in?
I suppose one could make the argument that he was lying (although that's an insanely dangerous/borderline discriminatory assumption to make) in order to pander towards a citywide, negative stereotype. However - even on the off-chance that he did - there's a reason why he was successful in doing so. I would imagine it's similar to the reason that a relatively unbiased third party weighed in sounding like he is responsible for forming a 62 person group chat with the sole purpose of reminding black ball players to block out the racial slurs of Red Sox fans. Now, I don't think that African American Major Leaguers are giving new meaning to the term "AA Meeting" by therapeutically discussing their traumatizing experiences in Massachusetts with each other on a regular basis. It's pretty telling that the Yankees pitcher felt strongly enough about the subject to paint that picture, but if this were as common of an issue as C.C. Sabathia is making it sound then he almost assuredly would have spoken up during the near-decade he's spent as part of rival organization. Still, soft spoken veterans don't often powerfully insert themselves right into the center of racial controversies unless they are absolutely certain there is something to them. So maybe - just maybe - it's time for the proud Fenway faithful to open their ears and try to keep their bad eggs in check so they can start to rid themselves of a rotten reputation that's largely undeserved. UPDATE: This was all a premature overreaction. You hear those cheers? Racism is dead and it will be remembered as fondly in Boston as Aaron Hernandez...
Blue Jays' Chris Coghlan Literally Went Above And Beyond During Last Night's Play At The Plate4/26/2017 
There are routine plays, there are good plays, there are great plays, and there are plays that make so little sense in the moment that they remind you of scenes used for dramatic effect in sports parodies. Want to guess which category Chris Coghlan's 'Willie Mays Hayes' impersonation falls under? I mean, look no further for clarification on how unprecedented it is to go up-and-over in the actual Major League than the reaction of a catcher who has been in the Major Leagues no less than two centuries. Yadier Molina has seen it all - including a baseball magically attaching itself to his chest protector - and he turned into a deer in highlights as a utility player soared over his head to score during a play at the plate. All he had to was pull up slightly to send his opponent's flight pattern into complete disarray and he just froze up like a guy that was experiencing excessive turbulence. A full blown flying somersault over a grown man. Just no way you can possible expect that type of base running from anyone...never mind some random white guy whose had a mediocre career. The highlight does feel a bit cheapened by the absence of some face-to-face, "Mr. Peckerhead"-esque mockery of an egregiously cocky catcher, but that's just an occupational hazard of summoning the spirit of a fictional, braggadocios baseball movie legend (albeit in more impressive fashion)... 
Saturday:
Sunday:
I'm not at liberty to dissect the game within America's game that is - ironically enough - fighting an uphill battle to hold the interest of Americans. It would be disingenuous of me to try to shine a black light on the invisible ink with which the unwritten MLB rule book was ghostwritten. That said, I think someone might want to put a pen to some clear cut guidelines when it comes to gamesmanship, because there's an obvious disconnect when the person for which vengeance is being exacted vehemently disagrees with the extent of the vengeance. This situation reminds of the bar scene in 'The Breakup' when Vince Vaughn's character is trying to convince his goon of a brother not to have his ex-girlfriend murdered on his behalf. I don't know the right response to a guy getting cleated in the back of the leg, but you might want to check with the guy who was cleated before you decide that an ankle for an eye is an even trade. Personally, I tend to think Manny Machado's slide was unintentional considering he immediately took his foot off the bag to hold up the guy he just spiked. I wasn't in the head of the Dominican infielder who - from my limited knowledge of his career - rarely gets the benefit of the doubt, but if that was on purpose then his flipping of the switch from malicious to compassionate sure was impressive. Still, I can see why plunking him was deemed a necessary reaction to one of their longest tenured players getting hurt from an undeniably dangerous play. I just think Matt Barnes probably should've checked the non-existent chart that would surely show that attempted decapitation should be saved for situations that are a little less inconspicuous. Especially when the two players that had their safety compromised were on the same, slightly less breakneck page. P.S. That pitch "got away" from Matt Barnes the same way my alcohol consumption "gets away" from me during last call. Dude knew EXACTLY what he was doing...
I Hate Everyone In This Video Of Chief Wahoo Protestors Going To Bat Against Chief Wahoo Supporters4/12/2017  I suppose I should clear one thing up before we get started. When I speak of the Chief Wahoo protestor versus the Chief Wahoo supporter matchup, the following is not what I am referring to....  You'd have to an absolute asshole with no social awareness whatsoever to side with the type of buffoon who would not only dress up in red face, but try to explain why it's okay that he's mocking an entire nationality to the face of a member of that nationality. It's insane that in 2017 Chief Wahoo is only being incrementally phased out when it's clearly offensive to a proud group of people whose feeling on it are the only ones that truly matter. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me hate the people singing jingles about racism on their behalf any less... You see, I have little to no doubt that at least half the people protesting in that video are just as passionate about their cause of finding literally anything to bitch about as the people that are slinging racially insensitive stupidity right into a camera lens. I'm not saying that the home opener following a season in which the Cleveland Indians were merely a bounce away from winning the World Series is too inconvenient of a time for people to voice their concerns. However, couldn't a proverbial mirror be held in the face of prejudice on literally any other day? There's no excuse for the stereotypical idiot screaming "get a job!" when he's too dumb to realize that he's not currently at his either. I just wonder how you could expect any other reaction when you're implying that a bunch of trumped up baseball fans are racists by association before they even got a single sniff of the infield grass on an afternoon they had been looking forward to since mid-October. The insults, stereotypes, and illogical comparisons captured were inexcusable, but so is stirring shit and acting surprised when you end up with a goddamn mess on your hands. 
Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. This is such classic sports media. They can't even take one single afternoon off from asking dumb questions to appreciate that they were blessed with the opportunity to witness a modern miracle that transcends science. That ball had yet to be plucked from the chest protector that it was wondrously suspended to, and a bunch of joyless reporters were already try to make allegations of cheating. How dare they imply that a player who has been around as long as Yadier Molina engage in an act of gamesmanship that was prevalent when he first entered into the league and is still used to this day. As long as we are on the subject of ridiculous interrogations, I have a few brain busters for these beat writers. Have you no shame? How many times were you going to ask about pine tar when your subject clearly proved that a super adhesive had nothing to with the supernatural scenario by getting super defensive about it? Do you remember where you were when you officially outgrew your imagination? Do you let your children marvel at magic shows or do you ruin the entire experience with your inability to suspend disbelief? Are the implausibilities in action movies something that keep you up at night? Christ, how about believing in magic for once in your miserable lives? Divine intervention isn't a journalistic term and it doesn't mean intervening in the divine, so lay off Yadier and let's stop questioning the undeniable mystic of his awe-inspiring equipment. 
I feel bad for one person and one person only, and shockingly it's the not the girl that was caught on camera crying into her hand after Francisco Lindor went way, wayyyy back and sent the Texas Rangers plummeting to the bottom of the AL West at 0-3. The person that is deserving of your sympathy is the owner of the arm to her left who I presume to be the boyfriend that didn't even think about consoling his overly dramatic plus one, because he's more than likely responsible for her untimely tears that accidentally got broadcasted to the entire internet as if they were caused by that home run. You just know he had a real shit storm of a night on his hands after whatever it is that he did to make his girlfriend bawl in public, and it's not going to get any better today when she's let in on the fact that she's gone viral for doing so. Let's hope this poor schlub did something that is deserving of the ensuing argument that he's undoubtedly still in the midst of, because no man is deserving of a significant other who is so emotionally unstable that a blown save in Game 3 of 162 is enough to cause waterworks. It's already a long, long season. I can't imagine how much longer it would seem to a guy that has a permanent stain on the shoulder of his favorite Rangers' shirt after lending it to his hysterical girlfriend after every single unexpected loss. 
LBS- Cincinnati Reds prospect, Ian Kahaloa, was suspended 50 games by MLB on Tuesday after a second positive test for drugs of abuse. Given some of his postings to Snapchat, the positive drug tests should not come as a surprise.
A Twitter user posted videos last month that are recordings of videos Kahaloa posted to his Snapchat account. One video shows someone appears to snort a white powder substance through a rolled up bill. The video finishes with someone who appears to be Kahaloa drinking Coca Cola. The pitcher’s agent did not confirm to the Cincinnati Enquirer whether or not it was Kahaloa in the video, but a Reds rep said he believes it is the pitcher. “We’re obviously really concerned,” Reds player development director Jeff Graupe told the Enquirer. “We’re working to get Ian the help and assistance that we believe he needs to get his long-term future to a more stable place. We’re kind of putting the baseball on the backburner.” The 19-year-old Hawaii native has gone 3-2 with a 2.34 ERA in 17 starts during his 2-year career, all spent in rookie ball. ----- Tough look for SnapChat here. I mean, how can you push the slogan "life's more fun when you live by the moment" without letting "recreationally" active teenagers know that those moments can be captured and replayed for the world to see? I might not be the foremost authority on false advertisement, but I'm pretty sure that sitting out 50 games as someone that is trying to makes enough waves to get to the big leagues is the exact opposite of "fun". Ian Kahaloa probably would have just broken up his morning reefer in peace if he wasn't tricked into thinking he couldn't truly be spontaneous without uploading his illegal acts of spontaneity 10 seconds at a time. Surely it was SnapChat's marketing campaign that convinced him that doing blow is pointless unless you record a "combustable" video of yourself taking the light rail to higher ground. It may seem pretty dumb to voluntarily include your face in clips of you breaking the most obvious clauses of your contract, but who knew that social media could spread socially? "SnapChat is for friends", my ass. SnapChat is apparently for narc ass bitches that don't know how to unwind after a long day on the mound. I suppose that's a far less enticing catchphrase, but at least it would give them plausible deniability when people like Ian Kahaloa get lured into inevitable suspensions with cutesy filters on their post-snort selfies. Cardinals' Outfielder Stephen Piscotty Had A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Inning...4/5/2017 
Cue it up!!! Want to take a look at the bright side that the Cardinals' outfielder himself won't be able to stare directly into for the next week while recovering from what may be a mild concussion? No one can question his willingness to take one for the team in the foreseeable future. If you are gonna get beamed in both funny bones and your goddamn temple over the course of one trip around the bases then it might as well result in a run scored. If Stephen Piscotty had finished off his hat trick of misfortune by the time he had gotten to third and the inning abruptly ended with him stranded on the corner in pain then we would just pity his efforts. Instead we get to celebrate them... as much as anyone can possibly celebrate a single run in an early April baseball game. If I'm the guy that literally sacrificed my physical and mental health to put the only tally on the board in a 2-1 loss then I'm coasting to first on every infield ground ball from now until Labor Day, and if anyone so much as questions my efforts then I'm showing them the game tape of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad inning. Mostly because I would need another viewing to jog my memory of the play that earned me the benefit of the doubt for at least a few months. 
I don’t like doing this. I’m as strong of an advocate of women's sports as one can possibly be without actually investing any time or electricity into watching them, so it pains me to treat this blooper as if it’s an indictment of proud female athletes everywhere. I swear I generally try to give ladies that compete on a high level the benefit of the doubt, but the only benefit this video provides is pure, unadulterated hilarity beyond a shadow of a doubt. I’m sorry, but in all my years of yawning through six hour Major League baseball games, I have never seen a man bite the dust so hard that it would make 'Queen' feel guilty for glorifying such behavior. I don’t care if the infield was wet or not, because the infield would have to be a swimming pool to make sense of the aided face-first dive that appeared reminiscent of someone launching themselves off the side of a boat. I remember a few years back the New York Jets brought in Yankees' Manager Joe Girardi to teach then quarterback Mark Sanchez how to safely slide without breaking his face on a teammate's buttocks. I'm pretty sure Madison Carter’s form would drive Joe Girardi right to the bottom of the bottle. Seriously, if he was tasked with turning this broad into a competent base runner he would need a desk full of mini wine spritzers that would make your average grade school teacher look like she had her drinking under control. Watching that completely uncontested play (for the record, that’s the most criminally underrated aspect of this clip) unfold was like watching an infant try to run before he/she learns how to properly walk, but the result of a student-athlete giving herself a charlie horse of her cheekbone while under no duress whatsoever was exponentially funnier than infantile clumsiness. A Recently Cut Brewers Pitcher Might Want To Experience A 9-5 Before He Says He'd Rather Have One4/4/2017  JSOnline- The Milwaukee Brewers made their final two pitching cuts of spring training Saturday and to say the least, neither player took it well.
Cravy and Scahill were not hesitant to talk. Cravy, in particular, was quite upset after compiling a 2.03 earned run average over 11 exhibition outings while holding opponents to a .116 batting average. Rather than report to the minors, Cravy said he might seek “a 9 to 5 job where I get treated like a human, at this point.” What had Cravy and Scahill most upset was they were told there would be a competition for jobs at the start of camp and pitched well, yet were cut anyway. Scahill allowed only one run in 12 outings (0.73 ERA) but was a non-roster invitee to camp, which didn’t help his chances. Cravy, who compiled a 2.86 ERA in 20 outings for the Brewers last season, had a minor-league option remaining and the club exercised it. He said he was not certain he would report, however. “It would just be nice to have the honesty straight up front instead of, ‘Hey, you’re competing for a job,’ then literally out-compete everyone and be told, ‘Sorry, we have other plans'. It says a lot about the integrity, or lack thereof, of the guys running the show, but what are you going to do? All you can do is put up numbers and sometimes that’s still not enough. I don’t think they would release me. I think it would just be me deciding to quit if I chose that route. I’m just not sure I want to play for guys who treat you like this." ---- Some people may not be as understanding of a guy that was given the chance to make millions of dollars on a guaranteed contract and left the opportunity floating over the middle of the plate only for it to get shot straight to the pitcher's equivalent of hell (i.e. the bleachers). I, on the other hand, see where he's coming from. It's probably a pretty shitty feeling to be treated as nothing more than a talent when your talent is barely worth the league minimum. Professional sports are a business of financial shortcuts and false promises, and I would be willing to bet that would weigh on anyone that devoted their life to it only to see disappointing results. I am not saying that the Milwaukee Brewers owed Tyler Cravy so much as an explanation after he willingly (and knowingly) chose to enter such a cutthroat field, but I could see why he would want one after putting on the audition of his underwhelming career. That being said, we can put the rest the notion that the average 9-5 is any more humane than pulling and pushing of a pitcher from a Major League team to and from it's Minor League affiliate. You might feel more respected showing up to an office in a shirt and tie than you do while waiting out a broken down bus in your travels from one hardly suburban city to the next, but that doesn't mean you are any more respected. Just because most bosses can't callously can you without justification doesn't mean they can't treat you like you as if you are just as replaceable. Literally the only thing that keeps cube workers from suffering the same fate as a middling reliever is a human resources department that tries it's damnedest to convince it's particular humans that they are more than just resources. At the end of the day? The forced smiles and phony friendliness aren't more accommodating to a individual's personhood. In fact, I would probably argue that the condescension that takes place in your average workplace is tougher to bear than simply opening your locker to a red tag that indicates you fucking suck. Tyler Cravy may think that the feigned cordialness of a stable job is what he wants, but I would suggest he thanklessly does the same dumb, monotonous shit... day-after-day...for months, years, or decades on end before he confidently proclaims that he prefers it to playing a kid's game for a living. The grass is always greener...even if that grass is tended by guys desperately holding on to their dream in Colorado Springs. 
I have a question. Is this standard protocol? I kinda figured that my strategy of flipping the fuck out when confronted with more than one stinger wasn't exactly by the book, but is "stop, drop, and pray" something that's actually taught? Even if it is, I admire the calmness with which the Padres and Rockies stuck to it. A bunch of grown men laying on their stomachs to avoid insects is a funny visual, but not nearly as hilarious as the frantic sprint I would have engaged in if presented with the same situation. I don't know if the camera makes it look worse than it was but - based on my rough estimation - there were about six billion bees on that field, and they would have had me running with the elegance of the first dead white girl in a horror flick. I'm not even kidding. That pitcher must have nerves of steel, because if I were him I have hopped the outfield fence and went full 'Forrest Gump" all the way back to San Diego. The end of spring training could suck my dick if meant falling victim to a scene out of a low budget movie with a shitty plot. The San Francisco Giants Have A Golden Urinal That Gets Awarded To The Team's Most Hydrated Player3/30/2017 
Mercury- “An area we’re really focused on is hydration. And one of the ways we check players’ hydration daily is through what’s called USG — a urine specific gravity machine,” [sports science specialist Geoff] Head explains.
The Giants value these readings so much that they’ve turned urination into a competition. To be eligible to win the coveted Hydration Domination contest, players must post their best scores before batting practice. The best hydrated player after each series wins an award shaped like a golden urinal. Think of it as the M-V-Pee trophy. ------ It's not fair. It's just not fair. While I think it's hilarious that the entirety of an MLB team is being motivated to down water by the gallon in hopes of being awarded a trophy that reads "I Piss Excellence", it's simply yet another advantage that professional athletes have over the rest of us. Superior talent, seemingly unlimited money, fancy cars, all the girls, and full blown peeing contests - where does it end?!?! Honestly though, can you imagine how much more enjoyable everyone's work environment would be if they were encouraged to go to the bathroom instead of being shamed for it? All anyone ever wants from their boss (other than more money) is a "good job", and pro ball players are getting that for nothing more than taking moan inducing bladder clearers that could probably wake the neighbors. I know that hydration is essential to avoiding injury when participating in athletics, but it's also kind of essential in avoiding homicidal thoughts about your co-workers while participating in workplace survival. I think every office should hand out golden urinals. Spending a lot of time in the bathroom may not bode well for productivity, but it definitely bodes well for peace of mind. Plus, drinking the amount necessary to need an hourly leak is hardly impressive when compared to the forced friendliness necessary to need an hourly sabbatical on the crapper.  Holy hell! Who knew?! Standing at 6'1 and weighing in at 195 pounds of the whitest of white meat, Conor Gillaspie - of all people - is slinging the biggest knob in the league! Must be March Madness, because Upset City's population just got a +1 baby! God bless Len Kasper and Jim Deshaies. Without their uncanny unawareness and attention to detail we never would have thought about how much tape would be required to keep that sucker from rising up out of nowhere (their words, not mine)! I gotta say, once the production team zoomed in on that thing I couldn't help but marvel at the girth of it either. Someone better alert the Giants' equipment manager, because their utility infielder is basically up there swinging away with a third leg! It's impressive how he's able to handle it when it's merely laying against the crotch of his pants. Can you imagine having to rest it on your shoulder!?! I suppose Mets' fans should feel a little bit better about the home run that ended their season, because Conor Gillaspie was bound to go deep when carrying that kind of lumber. By the way, I'm officially all-in on spring training broadcasts. After yesterday's color-blind JaCoby/Jacoby Jones mix-up and today's sexual innuendo segment, there might not be better mindless, midday television than completely meaningless baseball games. That video could easily double as a comedy skit, and it was done by two guys that DEFINITELY aren't super familiar with the discography of 'Three 6 Mafia'...  Uproxx- A minor league baseball stadium is a great place to spend three to five hours of your day. You can take in some baseball of varying quality, enjoy some concessions at a pretty good price and get a little bit of sunshine in your life. That’s a great day, but what would it be like to live in a minor league stadium?
That’s what New Orleans based comedian (and Dime Magazine contributor) Chris Trew wants to find out. Trew is a huge sports fan and is a regular at Pelicans games as well as Saints games. He is also a season ticket holder for the New Orleans Baby Cakes, the Triple-A affiliate of the Miami Marlins, and has gotten the team to agree to let him live there for five days. Trew’s plan is to spend five entire days in the “Shrine on Airline” for the opening weekend of the season, from April 6 to April 10, and try to go about his life as usual, with the addition of picking up odd jobs around the stadium. All of this will be documented on video and there’s a Kickstarter to fund the filming that lays out the full plan for his stay. ---- Wait, so this guy is going to be lounging in the spring sun, enjoying relatively affordable drink specials, scarfing down absurdly creative finger foods, checking out novelty jerseys, and all of this while taking in a daily live sporting event in New Orleans? Good for him. That sounds like an incredible vacation. I guess my only question is why in the hell would I even mildly consider funding it? I don't care how funny this dude is. Treating a half empty stadium as his own personal playground for an entire week should be enough of a payoff for the resulting documentary. Am I supposed to be tricked into thinking that living like a well off retiree at spring training is some 'Survivor'-esque feat? I'm more likely to consider giving money to putting an end to this charade out of pure jealousy. Christ, I'll throw down a 10 spot if I can get a centerfield seat for 120 hours, but I'm not paying to watch someone else live out that dream in 'The Big Easy'. I might toss a few dollars the way of the homeless, but investing in the renting of a sports fan's dream home for a reality TV production is where I draw the line when it comes to charitable endeavors. The Auburn Softball Player That Got Into It With Florida's Head Coach Got Exactly What She Wanted3/28/2017 
TheBigLead- Auburn defeated Florida in softball 1-0 today. In the handshake line, there was some animosity. Auburn shortstop Haley Fagan did not have her hand up in the line. Florida coach Tim Walton, whether he was on autopilot or offended by the gesture, tapped Fagan on the shoulder. She turned around and gave him a push in the back. She had some words in the general direction of her opponents before being restrained by her teammates.
Larry Brown Sports points out a possible source of the beef: “We know there is some beef between the Fagan family and Walton, as Haley’s sisters, Sami and Kasey, started off at Florida before transferring after being kicked off the team.” At the time of this news, in 2012, Fagan’s father said that his daughters had been released because there had been “an altercation on the team.” --- Far be it from me to call into question the seriousness of the altercation that got Sami Fagan And Kasey Fagan dismissed from Florida's softball team, but it's extremely hard for me to believe that they were justifiably let go. After all, if the maturity of their sister Haley is any indication than there is no way the Fagan's are the type of gals to turn an interaction that is based on mutual respect into an unbearably contentious bitch fest. I haven't the slightest clue what went down inside the Lady Gators locker room in 2012, but clearly the younger sibling learned how to appropriately handle conflict somewhere. Who better to model herself after than her sisters that were booted off a college softball team for reasons that remain vaguely undisclosed?! In all seriousness, I'm not giving Coach Walton a pass here. As someone that's spent years working with college girls, he has to know better than to respond to an obvious act of aggressive passiveness. The slight shove to the shoulder wasn't that big of a deal, but he should have known it was going to be treated as such when the person on the receiving end basically invited it by ignoring his high five. He fell hook, line, and sinker for a clear set-up to an inevitable blow-up that was less inconspicuous than a "it's fine" text. She set the stage with familial pettiness and he stuck his stupid hand right in the damn trap. Christ, I bet this dude is also the type to breathe a sigh of relief when his wife says she doesn't want to do gifts. This altercation is on him, and that's simply because he gave the aggressor the opportunity to play the victim by being too prideful to take it in stride when he was purposefully left hanging. Haley Fagan got exactly what she wanted. She didn't care about showing up an opponent's head coach. It was just bait to reel in the opportunity to scream in the face of the guy that had enough of her sisters' (probably similar) shit five years ago. |
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