I don't even think I'm being mildly facetious when I say that was basically poetry in motion. You could literally picture the end result seconds before the potential infertility came to fruition because the ball almost seemed to become suspended in the air as if time were temporarily standing still to build up the anticipation for the inevitable nut shot. As far as completely incidental cup checks go, that was the cinematic version of being down three in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases jacked. As soon as it left his hand you already knew the payoff wasn't going to leave you disappointed, but somehow it ended up being more satisfying than anyone could have possibly imagined. That outcome was no curveball, because watching that floater pitch slowly careen down towards his Scuffy McGee's as if it were in slow motion was like watching a rom-com in which a widely inaccurate changeup and a camera man's testicles were destined to end up eternally tied together forever. I honestly don't how something that worked out so perfectly wasn't scripted, because real life simply isn't supposed to provide such convenient conclusions. Tony might wake up in the middle of the night feeling that one from his cojones to his chest cavity. For the rest of us, however, that off-speed moose-knuckleball hit us directly in the feels and reminded us exactly what it was like to love......seeing invitees deliver ceremonial pitches from the rubber without having a clue as to which observers would be wise to keep their "head" on a swivel.
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A Former High School Baseball Player Is Suing His Coach For Being A Big Old Bully By Benching Him8/16/2017  TheComeback-A former student at Los Altos High School (Hacienda Heights, CA) has filed a lawsuit against the school district and his former baseball coach, citing repeated benching from games and describing it as “harassment and bullying.” The San Gabriel Valley Tribune reports that 17-year-old Robbie Lopez and his parents are seeking “$150,000 or more” in the lawsuit, claiming that varsity baseball coach Gabriel Lopez (no relation) repeatedly refused to let Robbie play throughout his senior year. The lawsuit claims that Robbie was a starter for three seasons before Gabriel arrived as the new head coach at Los Altos. The family believes the benching began after Robbie’s father, Robert Lopez II, “complained to the district’s athletic director after a disagreement over a fundraising game.” The players that didn’t participate in the fundraising event were then not allowed to practice, according to the lawsuit. And this caused the father to then speak with the school, as it’s illegal in the state of California to require public school students to fundraise in order to participate in school activities. The lawsuit also references an alumni game, where current Los Altos baseball players take on former players from the school in what is basically just a fun scrimmage. Every senior participated in the game, except for Robbie. ------- Full disclosure, I have no idea how the legal team of 17 year old decided that fair compensation for getting benched in competitive high school athletics ranged in the six figures. I'm no lawyer, but I think the misconduct has to be sexual in nature before you go trying to pay off four years of college tuition with the reparations. That said, I can't think of any teenager who is more deserving of $150,000 than the one whose overbearing father raised him to be an entitled asshole despite not having the talent to make his head coach ignore the fact that he was a senior that refused to attend team building events. Seriously, nothing screams "leader" like getting your ass plastered to the pine for running to daddy and responding with litigation. The amount might seem a bit exorbitant. However, Robbie Lopez is probably the first high school athlete to ever have his young career stunted by a newly hired, self righteous coach that didn't like having his authority questioned by a self important second baseman that's not even old enough to buy cigarettes. If the justice system doesn't reward this type of infantile behavior with a payment that is fitting of the price tag on a fully-loaded Mazarati then it might encourage all sorts of disciplinary bullying - such as your standard benching - throughout high-level youth sports! They screw this one up and there's no telling where the line in the dirt gets drawn in terms of testing the depth of your roster via dugout harassment! P.S. This "highlight reel" says all I need to know. He couldn't get one friend/teammate to go out to the diamond and help him look better by comparison? Really speaks to his popularity in the locker room. I don't know about $150K, but I would be fine with the court rewarding this loner $150 out of pity... Houston Astros' Players Are STILL Upset That The Organization Didn't Make A Big Move At The Deadline8/11/2017  YardBarker- Reddick told SiriusXM’s MLB Network Radio on Thursday that Houston players had expected the team to be aggressive at the deadline, but they were left deflated after the team’s only move was to bring in Francisco Liriano in what was viewed as a minor deal.
“I think deep down everybody in that clubhouse knew we were going to make some moves to make us a really great team to a team that put us over the edge, especially with all the moves you see moving around the league,” Reddick said, via Craig Calcaterra of HardballTalk. “It’s nothing against our guys, we are a great team, but any time you can make your team better you feel like should have the opportunity to do that and take full advantage. I think deep down, we all were, I don’t know if you want to say disappointed or upset, I guess we were just kind of down in the dumps because we feel like we had a pretty good shot at getting somebody to help this team get over that hump to where we needed to be.” Ace pitcher Dallas Keuchel had made similar comments on Aug. 1, saying “disappointment is a little bit of an understatement” regarding the lack of a big move. ------- Good news: The incessant whining that has come along with the Houston Astros 2-7 record since the trade deadline has provided their front office a shockingly quick confirmation that they did the right thing in not making any bold moves to improve a (then) 69-win team that apparently lacked confidence internally. Bad news: The Houston Astros are a first place team that has a delicate psyche and is openly displaying easily identifiable characteristics of having a low self-esteem. Seriously, imagine having the second best record in the entire league and a double digit lead on the next best team in your division, and still not believing that you're talented enough to make a run without external help? These guys are supposed to be proud professional athletes, and - if their recent results are any indication - they are let the disappointment of a quiet deadline put a dent in all that they accomplished prior to it. I get that adding pieces as the postseason creeps closer is a way of showing faith in a team that easily outperformed expectations, but can't the same be said about letting it ride with a roster that - at the time - had a win percentage of over .650? I'm not familiar enough with the Houston Astros clubhouse to know what aspects of their team could have been improved by making a short sighted deal to bolster their championship aspirations. However, the fact that their own team's championship aspirations seemed to disappear solely because one wasn't made is a pretty strong indictment of just how unrealistic they were to begin with. You need a lot more than mental fortitude to win a World Series, but that's definitely also a requirement. The continued bitching and moaning from the mouthes of Astros' players seems like a pretty strong sign that that requirement is not currently being met in Houston, and it truly makes me think that were never long for October...no matter who they picked up in July. 
— Benjamin Hochman (@hochman) August 10, 2017 
My advice to the St. Louis Cardinals? Just let it go. Take down the online press release and instantly end this search. It's not that I don't have my own quirky superstitions, but I do have a pretty good feeling that the presence of a ravenous kitten doesn't truly effect the outcome of baseball games. Simply put? Angels are much more helpful in the outfield, and some blood-thirsty feline that thinks it runs the joint doesn't have the widespread appeal of a dolphin that does halftime shows. I know that with one monstrous swing Yadier Molina carved out a spot for that bratty little cat in some weird annex of franchise history. However, the franchise in question needs to trust that it's in a better place living with 12-25 of his/her peers in the two bedroom apartment of an aging single/widowed woman that shamelessly collects kitties from places as strange as a Major League ballpark and immediately claims them as her own. I don't - for one goddamn second - believe that a broad batshit enough to scoop up a stray that just repeatedly gnawed on the hand of a human in front of thousands of people would lose track of said stray shortly thereafter. You don't partake in some asinine act of thievery and then simply lose what you risked it all to take. I know the little bastard had a sweet tooth for strangers, but not even the jaws of life can separate a crazy cat lady from that which she holds most dear. Therefore, I am just going to have to assume that she lied about misplacing it so that the organization would call off the proverbial dogs. No doubt in mind that thing is crapping up a storm in a living room-sized litter box with every other missing cat in a 10-15 mile radius. It would take Ace Ventura about 35 seconds to crack this case, but I hope he doesn't offer his services to help bring back what can only be described as an adorably disguised demon. The Employee Tasked With Chasing Down The St. Louis Cardinals "Rally Cat" Needs A New Summer Gig8/10/2017 
First things first, credit to this poor sap. If I were him I would have been more liable to light my credentials on fire before calmly turning around and walking straight out of the stadium in a blaze of glory than to sprint through the outfield in front of ten of thousands of people in pursuit of an animal that was basically guaranteed to make me look like an asshole once I caught up to it. That probably speaks more to my distrust in house cats than it does to this guy's level of work ethic, but he still deserves a pat on the back and a "good job, good effort" for undertaking a task that should be reserved for single women in their late 30's. I genuinely think I would have fed that little piece of shit to the bleacher creatures by way of drop punt after the second chomp, so I tip my cap to this dude for being wary of PETA's all-seeing eye. I suppose you could say the announcer "predicted" the bite(s), but that doesn't exactly make him Nostradamus. The fact that that inherently pissy kitten reacted poorly to getting picked up would have been the easiest bet of all time. I don't know what this kid gets paid as a member of the field crew, but it damn sure ain't enough to play caretaker to the most bi-polar, contentious pet on the planet. Honestly, "cat catcher" better be included in his contract and that contract better be written in the same blood that he just had drawn, or he chose the wrong side of this risk/reward. There's not enough incentives in the world to justify putting yourself in the position to let a maniacal, self important feline that can't fend for itself make you the butt of the joke on live television. I guess someone had to do it, but I would have been more inclined to turn that kitty into litter than I would be to sacrifice blood, sweat, or tears for it. Maybe the "rally cat" worked it's black magic because Yadier Molina almost immediately hit a go-ahead grand slam, but no man's pride is only worth 1 win out of 162 - no matter how close the divisional race is...
Joe West Interview with USA Today from June 20th:
Biggest Complainer: “It’s got to be Adrian Beltre. Every pitch you call that’s a strike, he says, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!’ I had a game with him recently and the pitch was right down the middle. He tells me, “that ball is outside.’ “I told him, ‘You may be a great ballplayer, but you’re the worst umpire in the league. You stink.’’ (West later clarified to USA TODAY Sports that he and Beltre are on friendly terms).
Seeing as a player would almost certainly be fined for criticizing an umpire publicly, I could definitely see the MLB's justification for suspending an umpire for criticizing a player, even if that criticism read as though it were very much tongue-in-cheek. Remaining consistent in disciplining the talent as well as those that are paid to govern the talent in an unbiased fashion is important. I mean, how else would a league give the loose perception that it's tooootally officiated fairly by people that defffffinitely never experience innate human emotions like favoritism or disdain? Unfortunately, the timing of this punishment makes as much sense as making your sport less entertaining by way of enforcing rules that apparently aren't even important enough to be put in a book. I don't know if the MLB has a super intricate investigation process that's as time-intensive as jailing a white-collar criminal, but a month and a half seems like a hell of a long tome to determine the legitimacy of a word-for-word quote that was published by a relatively trusted news source. That's why I have no choice but to assume that Joe West is owed a nice steak dinner and approximately three days salary from a colleague whose dumbass ejection may have retroactively changed the tone of a humorous anecdote about Adrian Beltre...
I don't know, maybe I'm off-base here, but it seems much more plausible that Joe West's quote from late June was taken out of context in early August after Gerry Davis' authority complex unjustly had the subject of that quote tossed from a game in late July. I wouldn't consider calling a guy (who is known for his sense of humor) "the worst complainer in the league" in the framework of joke to be some sort of gross misconduct, but it definitely starts to look that way when a person you work closely with acts on that reputation by wildly overreacting to something that almost every player does. Maybe the MLB really wanted to double and triple check to make sure that 'USA Today' heard him right, but - if the calendar is any indication - then Joe West is being suspended for a second hand self-fulfilling prophecy. Braves' Shortstop Johan Camargo Somehow Injured Himself While Lightly Jogging Onto The Field8/9/2017 
Another day...another professional athlete added to the list of guys who have defied everything we think we know about the durability of professional athletes by literally jogging onto the disabled list. Okay fine, it's not that often that a Major Leaguer ends up getting carried off the field after exerting himself as much as you or I would when someone is nice enough to hold the door open for us, but - considering how superhuman these guys are supposed to be - it sure as hell feels like it happens far more often than it should. I have seen people that I have waved across the street show more hustle than that and not once did they end up laying across the yellow lines in need of medical attention. Insanely stupid accidents happen, but it seems the amount that they happen to those whose bodies are trained to withstand them is disproportional to the rest of society. That's probably the fragility of the rest of society doesn't end up as a running joke on every form of sports media, but that still doesn't explain how Johan Camargo's knee crumbled faster than the Braves' playoff hopes. Regardless of the unfortunate outcome, I found this hilarious. After all, I made a promise to myself long ago that I would laugh at anyone that tripped over nothing. I'll be damned if I am going to made liar by a shortstop that trots out onto that field 162 times a year and uses the very same knee that he just hyperextended engaging in the morning routine of the local housewives to make quick, reactionary movements within a tenth of second. It's almost as that ridiculous injury was a product of his lower body rebelling because it's gotten so used to being contorted in unorthodox directions that casually jumping over a line of chalk has become the normal person's equivalent of turning two while leaping over a baserunner that's actively trying to shatter their shins. Honestly, it's either that or he just desperately wanted out of the lineup.  TheComeBack- Reds’ prospect Jose Siri, who plays for the Class-A Dayton Dragons, saw his Midwest League-record 39-game hit streak end in unusual fashion Friday against the Great Lakes Loons, with a pitch behind him, benches briefly clearing, an eventual walk on a pitch way outside, and the Dragons’ announcer (which appears to be Tom Nichols, in his tenth year of doing play-by-play for the team on Dayton’s CW) calling it “gutless” and casting aspersions on the whole Dodgers’ organization.
Announcer's Reaction: “And way behind him! He was trying to hit Siri there and end his hitting streak with a hit batsman! That should call for loud boos! That was a gutless move by Ryan Moseley, and the Los Angeles Dodgers’ organization! They have warned Moseley. That, for the Dodgers, does not speak highly of their coaching staff, led by Jeremy Rodriguez, their pitching coach, Connor McGuiness, or the man on the mound, Ryan Moseley. Fortunately, it didn’t hit Siri. You’d hate to see a hitting streak, not just for the player but for all the fans, end on a hit batsman. Look at that pitch, way behind him. That is just a lack of class and respect for the game.” “That was rather ridiculous. To me, it’s a reflection on the Los Angeles Dodgers’ organization, and specifically their coaching staff.” -------- I think we can all agree that while a 39 game hitting streak in Single A is impressive, it's ultimately pretty goddamn meaningless in the grand scheme of sports. If it weren't than surely we would have heard about it before it reached it's conclusion. That's why it really makes you wonder why this Ryan Moseley character was so worried about being on the ass end of it's continuation that he turned an at-bat into a story that makes him look far worse than getting pegged as victim #40. Anyway you slice it, throwing at a guy twice before walking him with an unhittable pitch in the dirt when he's trying to make history and it doesn't even make sense to do so in the context of the game is a bit of a bitch move. Unfortunately, it's not enough of a bitch move to warrant the all-out verbal assault that the longtime Dayton Dragons announcer laid on just about every person to ever be associated with the Los Angeles Dodgers. I can't believe I'm saying this about scenario where a lengthy hitting streak was intentionally ended prior to the benches clearing, but the venom spewed by the man on the microphone is the biggest story in all of this. You'd honestly think that the entirety of the Dodgers' organization ran train on his wife with the way he was defaming the character of multiple people that weren't even in attendance. Man, talk about taking a glimpse into day-to-day life of a Minor League baseball commentator. Assuming he can't possibly be that upset about the breaking of one of baseball's illustriously unwritten rules, I think every plate appearance during that streak made Tom Nichols feel more alive. I legit believe that he was more invested in it than the person responsible for it. The birds outside his window in rural Ohio just chirped a little bit louder the mornings after Jose Siri had yet another hit. It might not seem like that big of a deal to us, but for a guy that's been announcing Dayton Dragons' games for the last decade, it was one the last things he way able to grasp tightly onto to keep himself from boredom-driven insanity. That's the only explanation I can think of for a rant that was one more modicum of anger away from getting him to charge the mound. 
TheComeback- The Junior League World Series softball tournament, an annual tournament featuring the best teams of girls aged 12 to 15 from around the world, overturned the results of a semifinal game this weekend thanks to players on the winning team extending their middle fingers in a Snapchat post. The Atlee Little League team from Virginia beat the host team from Kirkland, Washington 1-0 Friday in a controversial semifinal, which saw a Kirkland player and coach ejected for stealing signals. An Atlee player then posted a team picture to Snapchat with six players extending their middle fingers and a “watch out host” caption, and the Little League International Tournament Committee then removed them from the championship game Saturday, promoting Kirkland instead (who promptly lost 7-1 to the Central region team from Poland, Ohio, in a game televised on ESPN2). Here’s the statement on their decision, via The Richmond Times-Dispatch:
In response to a request from the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Little League spokesman Kevin Fountain issued the following statement: “After discovering a recent inappropriate social media post involving members of Atlee Little League’s Junior League Softball tournament team, the Little League® International Tournament Committee has removed the Southeast Region from the 2017 Junior League Softball World Series for violation of Little League’s policies regarding unsportsmanlike conduct, inappropriate use of social media, and the high standard that Little League International holds for all its participants.” ----- For as mind-numbingly stupid and astonishingly hypocritical as it is of adults to retroactively reverse the result of a youth playoff game due to nothing that took place during said youth playoff game, it's also quite refreshing to see a sport governed with consistency throughout all the levels it's played. Say what you want about overreacting to a hand gesture that everyone with a driver's license uses at least 2-3 times per week, but don't say that the self-important values of those supervising a baseball diamond of any size aren't persistently ass backwards from Little League Softball to Major League Baseball. When I think of out-of-whack priorities I think of the sport whose record books were rewritten by steroid users that could hit 70 home runs without suspicion, but couldn't show any emotion after those home runs without having a fastball thrown at their jugular. That's why it's good to see the Junior League place the losing, undeserving team that stole signs in it's World Series ahead of girls that won fair, but whose harmlessly explicit celebration was far from square. What better way to send the message that it's okay to cheat as long as you don't hurt your opponent's delicate wittle feelings in the process? This misguided decision would reek of sanctimonious bullshit in any other form of athletic competition, but somehow it seems like a fitting form of discipline for a sport that historically takes itself far too seriously. In all seriousness, it's absolutely befuddling that someone could be hired to supervise today's youth while having such an obvious disconnect with today's youth. Giving the finger on SnapChat is probably the least punishable thing those girls have done (on or off social media) in 2017. I know this might be a tough concept for Kevin Fountain to understand, but the 12-15 year olds of today need to be treated like the 17-19 year olds of yesteryear. He's genuinely lucky they still participate in youth sports, because it means they somehow shook off the allure of recreational drugs and sexual experimentation. If the worst thing my hypothetical daughter has done halfway through high school is whoop some hometown ass before rubbing her opponent's noses in shit by throwing up some "fuck y'all" fingers on the internet then I'd buy her whole squad booze and tell them to hit the basement while I started my campaign for 'Father Of The Year'. So maybe - just maybe - it might be time to lower that inexplicably "high standard" for pubescent, teenage athletes Kev, because there's some more satisfying bases to round if they end up quitting softball because they got fucked out of their chance to win a championship. 
"Ball 4...ball 8...annnnd Robles has walked the Mets' into the loss column with 12 errant pitches!" I know they say life imitates art, but whoever came up with that saying probably never thought that said "art" would be a hilarious sports parody that's meant to exaggerate the laughable struggles of a fictional ex-con of a pitcher on a complete clusterfuck of a team. I actually appreciate that Hansel Robles went full 'Wild Thing', because any day I can slip a 'Major League' reference into my writing is a good day, but - man, oh man - are the strikingly strike-less similarities between yesterday's bottom of the 9th and this clip an indictment of the current state of the Mets.... (starts at 50 seconds) If you want to look on the eerily dim bright side then that's probably the best way to walk in a walk off. You probably shouldn't aim to give the other team a win with three straight bases on balls, but if that's how you want to play it then it's best to really punctuate the loss with a goddamn laser beam to the backstop. If you're going to take an 'L' in incompetent fashion then take an 'L' in incompetent fashion with authority. Those fans behind the plate had to at least flinch before they got to celebrate, and that wouldn't have been possible if the game ended on a measly breaking ball that apathetically dropped into the dirt. Sadly, the moral victory of ever-so-slightly postponing the excitement of opposing fans is one of the biggest victories the Mets' have had all season. 
I don't want to make it sound like this wasn't completely and utterly humiliating, because it very much is. It's just an inherently embarrassing situation anytime a pitch simultaneously takes you to the ground while getting called a strike, never mind when it's punches you out and leaves you lying one misstep from the stands. Now, that said, if you're going to made to look like the super nervous kid whose parents forced him to keep playing past tee-ball by selling out and literally running away from the big, scary ball then you might as well make the process last so long that it outlasts the ever-shortening memory of millennials. Seriously, by the time Xavier Avery hit the grass I had almost forgotten that he struck out with a runner in scoring position. My mind had been completely taken away from the fact that there was a baseball game going on by the sheer amazement of how far he has able to run without any control of his upper or lower body. Hell, he made it so far that you could have mistaken that check swing for an attempt to check out of the stadium. It looked like he was getting booed at 'The Apollo' and the guy with the cane ran out to the batter's box and dragged him away from the plate by his neck. The sheer physics of half swinging a bat and having your momentum run you 15 yards back like your ass was magnetized to the backstop is the story here, and that's pretty incredible considering how stupid the batter ended up looking. Honestly, I'm not even sure you could call that a strikeout, because it looked more like an opt-out to me. It's almost like he got halfway through his swing and said to himself "fuck this shit, minor league baseball isn't for me". For the scoring at home, draw in a mini white flag instead of a 'K', because that was a forfeiture of an at-bat if I have ever seen one. 
MiamiHerald- Dee Gordon entered the Marlins clubhouse on Monday holding a crying infant, walked her over to Jose Fernandez’s old corner locker, and showed her the uniforms and cleats that belonged to the father she’ll never know.
Penelope, the late pitcher’s five-month-old daughter, was wearing a miniature version of his uniform with “Fernandez” written across the back. Players stopped what they were doing to watch the scene unfold. Eventually, they all made their way to Marlins Park. It was there that Gordon, the Marlins’ second baseman, gave Penelope a tour of the team’s batting cages and clubhouse. “I was hitting in the cage and Dee brought her in,” Rojas said. “I wasn’t expecting her at all. Right away, a lot of emotions. [Marcell] Ozuna was hitting in the other cage. We stopped what we were doing. It was really cool to see her and remember Jose." When word reached the visitors clubhouse that Fernandez’s family and daughter were at the ballpark, Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper and pitcher Gio Gonzalez put in a request to see her. Fernandez, Harper and Gonzalez all shared the same agent, Scott Boras. Afterward, Harper thanked Boras’ Miami-based assistant, Alex Morin, for arranging the visit. “Thanks. I needed this a lot,” Harper wrote in a text to Morin. “For us, it means the world because he’s been missed the whole time,” Rojas said. “We’ve been playing through it, but we’ll never forget him. I know it was supposed to be his birthday today. Wherever he is, we know he’s with us." -------- I got to be honest, I could barely type that headline without tearing up again, never mind watching the video of Jose Fernandez's teammates - who had to feel emotionally conflicted by being introduced to a 5 month old that never got to meet her dad and their friend - react to the presence of his last living legacy. I don't want to speak for the Marlins players because I couldn't possibly understand what that situation feels like, but I would imagine that looking in the face of that adorable child that unfortunately brings back the tragic memory that serves as the reason she was there in the first place absolutely had to be bittersweet. I'm sure it was liberating to get whatever tears had still yet to be cried out of their system, but it had to be absolutely heart breaking to watch a toddler reach for the loving face of the father that somehow already feels like a distant memory. I don't think the reminder of a universally beloved player leaving us too early was necessary for a team that likely doesn't go a day without remembering the type of talent he brought to the field and the type of bubbly personality he brought to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, I think I speak for most casual baseball fans when I say that it comes as a mild surprise every time we are reminded that Jose Fernandez will never again take the mound in Miami. With the whirlwind that is the sports news cycle, it's almost as if the disastrous death of a 24 year old stud pitcher with transcendent talent came and went with the season(s). If there is anything to be taken from that scene yesterday it's that he's definitely gone, but - more importantly - he couldn't possibly be less forgotten. 
Honestly? I don't think there is enough of this happening in sports coverage, and by that I don't just mean that baseball is so short on hecklers that we need the analysts to drop their mics and get in on the immaturity. What I am trying to say is that this website that I am currently writing on is proof positive that the current state of sports "reporting" is chalk full of hyperbole, facetiousness, empty threats, and false promises. Dan McLaughlin might lack professionalism, but I'll be damned if he's the type of guy that doesn't even need someone to chime in with a "you won't..." before executing an over-the-top gesture that couldn't be further from fitting his job description. And what better time for him to flash that proactive, asshole-ish attitude than when a reliever is fighting his way through an inning so slowly that you'd swear his actual opponent was Father Time himself? I only got this short glimpse of Jordan Lyles' relief appearance against St. Louis, but by the looks (and sounds) of things it may have very well ended up lasting longer than Anthony Scaramucci's tenure as the White House Communications Director does. I don't know how long between pitches is considered "too long". However, a teammate - that should be immune to boredom given the years he's spent patrolling the outfield during the dog days of summer - feeling the need to mock his own pitcher by making sure he's not in the process of flatlining should be a solid indicator that your inning efficiency could use a fast forward button. If nothing else, that checking of the pulse was reinforcement that someone who is contractually obligated to sit through that entire game without a channel changer was well within his rights to boo the ever living of hell out of a guy who was playing an inherently slow game so slowly that it became painfully noticeable. I don't watch enough baseball to know whether or not Dan McLaughlin passed away during the bottom of that 5th, but - even if he did - at least he didn't bow out quietly. h/t AwfulAnnouncing 
It truly blows my mind that this is the type of shit that has baseball purists waking up in a cold sweat. Emotional displays, revenge, and naturally formed rivalries are just a few of things that contribute to the allure of competitive athletics. Meanwhile, the old white people in charge of the one sport whose popularity is dying a slow death amongst the demographic that actually matters - the next generation - never cease to hike up their belt buckles to their nipples in hopes of shaming the fun out of their own game. Can you imagine a world where disdain between baseball players on opposing teams could be palpable without having to see a 100MPH fastball fly past someone's temple? I know this is a crazy concept that definitely has yet to be proven successful in other sports, but what if proud professional athletes were allowed to express just how much success - or failure, for that matter - in their multi-million dollar profession meant to them? Just hear me out here. It probably won't work, but as a last gasp to draw casual interest could the MLB benefit from changing it's focus to literally anything other than the constant repression of it's employees? I know that having an on-field personality is strictly forbidden, but maybe it's not so bad for viewership if competitive guys spark a visible feud that doesn't involve headhunting during a series of consecutive games against each other during the dog days of summer. Then again, what do I know? I'm just a millennial with the attention span of a goldfish that doesn't appreciate the long standing traditions of a sport that prides itself on respect of the opponent...unless the opponent tosses the bat a little too aggressively after hitting a ball 400+ feet. An Army Veteran Was Asked To Take Down His American Flag While Tailgating For An Atlanta Braves Game7/20/2017 
TheBigLead- A veteran wants an explanation as to why he was told he couldn’t fly an American flag during a tailgate before an Atlanta Braves game Monday night. Adam Mourdock was told by a parking attendant that flying an American flag was against team policy. When he asked to see a supervisor, she told him she was the supervisor.
Mourdock told CBS 46 the following about the incident: “My whole life, it’s been our country, our family and the Braves. I fly a flag, an American flag directly above an Atlanta Braves flag at all home games. “She said you need to take it down. It’s against the policy. There was no explanation, there was no policy in writing other than today that flag needs to come down.” Mourdock, an Army veteran met his wife more than eight years ago, they’ve been married for six years, have two kids and are season ticket holders. They were tailgating in Braves Lot 29 North at SunTrust Park before Monday’s game when the incident occurred. The Braves apparently don’t have a policy that says fans can’t fly flags, which makes you wonder what this parking attendant was thinking. ------- Alright, what am I missing here? Does anyone have footage of this inherently un-American suggestion and any pseudo-logical reasoning as to why is was made? I simply cannot let myself get roped in by this story, because there has to be an aspect of it that's being left out. An Army veteran was flying an American flag while doing the most American thing one can do - drink store bought beer in excess while loitering amongst parked cars - in preparation for a sport that's been dubbed "America's Pastime" and he was just asked to take it down out of the clear blue? There must have been thousands of flags - American or other - flying that day, seeing as it was a tailgate, so I am going to need more information here. I know there's no shortage of stupid things that people find themselves triggered by nowadays, but I thought that the stars and stripes were nationally considered a welcomed guest at the parking lot party. That's why, in my estimation, one of two things could have happened here. Either the parking attendant is a terrorist, or the Army veteran was using the post as a weapon while he had his pants around his ankles pissing on every person whose parents didn't appear to be born in the continental United States. Neither of those things are included in this story, and it's really left me at a loss for an opinion until further notice. I simply won't take sides until I get an explanation, even if the red-blooded American in me wants to blindly support the troop. 
And there it is, your weekly (probably daily if you're observant enough) reminder that the harder you try the more likely it is that you wind up looking stupid. When life launches lemons your way it's more realistic that you accidentally end up juicing them into your eyeball than conjuring up something that rivals 'Minute Maid'. That's not to say that Carlos Gomez shouldn't have tried to turn a long fly ball into a web gem, but it is to say he accepted the high risk of alley-ooping it into an embarrassing two run homer when he did. So often we expect life to play out like a movie, but those bullshit parodies tend to parallel reality more closely than we think. That's why I don't want to be too hard on the Rangers' centerfielder. It was objectively funny to watch him swat his team into a three run hole, but it's not nearly as goddamn ridiculous as any of the times I have drawn blood trying to prove to myself that all Emeril Lagasse has on me is a wealth of fame (and money, for that matter), some sweet catchphrases, and countless businesses. You step out of your comfort zone and you might find out all that you're capable of....or you might get laughed at after uncomfortably running face first into the wall that is your potential. 
Ah winning, the ultimate elixir. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with a bad baseball team having some fun by taking time out of their monotonous schedule to lay to rest the quickly antiquing equipment of their quickly antiquing outfielder. However, there are definitely some fans and media members out there that take umbrage with athletes that have a good time off the field despite their failures on it. Shockingly, those people tend to shut the hell up when the team has a .667 winning percentage and is 15.5 game lead on the next best team in their division. If there is a time where a fictitious funeral is objectively funny to even the most skeptical pessimist with the sharpest of sticks up their rectum then it's when the congregation is 62-31 and proven they can do absolutely no wrong on the field. Never mind burying a glove, they could bury a body and the Houston faithful might still be inclined to turn a blind eye to the Astros' extracurricular activities. They could all show up to the ball park half in the bag and reeking of the cheap perfume found only on the undergarments of scantily clad women of the night and they would still be lauded for their ability to find entertaining ways to come together as a team. You win games and every thing you do during your down time is considered bonding, but if you lose games then literally everything you do during your down time is considered a reason as to why you are losing. Essentially, the media will let you mourn a mitt without criticism....you just have to have far and away the best record in the American League first. Good thing that's exactly what the Astros have or Carlos Beltran's days in the field would have died the loneliest of deaths. 
This - right here - is why 162 games are simply too damn many. You know why? Because it's not every day that Josh Bell sees a baseball bat get sent into orbit, but it's basically everyday that he stands at first base during the dog days waiting for something fucking interesting like that to happen. I know that professional athletes get paid millions of dollars so they should be more wary of the game they are playing. However, since that game is played daily throughout the summer months I can kind of understand getting caught looking at a piece of lumber heading towards the unsuspecting face of a fan in the 25th row during the 3rd inning of a mid-July contest between two crappy teams. You do that much monotonous work and you're bound to get caught daydreaming once awhile. It's not always going to result in a laughable error in which the ball zings right past your chin as you like up into the sky like you've just seen a pretty butterfly, but - speaking from the perspective of the casual, unbiased viewer - it's a hell of a lot more hilarious when it does. 
Well, would you look at that? An MLB umpire doing the exact opposite of walking off in securing the all-too-elusive victory that is a triumph of the human spirit. Little more impressive than any win that can be racked up on the baseball diamond if you ask me. Sadly, not everyone would have meddled in a stranger's business - even if it was suicidal - but I'm glad that John Tumpane realized that a woman scaling the side of a bridge in broad daylight probably didn't want to die as badly as her actions hinted she did. Not to be too grim, but if taking your own life is truly something you want done successful then you don't do it during the lunchtime rush. What John Tumpane witnessed was a cry for help, and the fact that he didn't hesitate to answer that cry is nothing short of heroic. Granted, he probably came down pretty hard from that high of heroism after the first time a drunken slob with mustard on his shirt told him to get off his knees and stop blowing the game because - shockingly - beer goggles can alter the perception of the strike zone. Having to deal with infantile managers coming stunningly close to spitting in his face probably had him questioning whether each and every life is worth saving. However, when it mattered most he sprung into action and protected a random woman from herself, and that type of selfless appreciation for others is something we can - and should - all aspire to. 
"Ahhh, the internet. A place to conveniently share information and opinions without having to worry about society's incessant stupidity shining through." Well, at least that's how I think Al Gore originally pitched it before it got set aflame with hot takes by social justice warriors. I mean, this thread of tweets - that started because of an innocent mistake - is so symbolic of the shitshow that is social media that I almost can't believe it's real. A typo turns into a passive aggressive insult disguised as a "correction"...
That turns into an unnecessary rebuttal that only fans the already contentious flames...
Somehow that gets treated as a sexist remark because obviously it's impossible to be critical of a female's tone without thinking less of her as human being...
The nonsensicalness of that implication gives the person who was wrong in the first place more ammunition to keep poking and prodding...
The all-too-mandatory plea for a disingenuous apology that would just be treated as the empty bullshit that it would be makes an appearance...
The people siding with the person whose paper-thin skin started the argument in the first place debate the kettle over it's blackness...
....and what would an unproductive online spat be without an off-base mention of safe spaces by someone that apparently doesn't understand the concept of a safe space....
The high road gets suggested, as if everyone that's bickering about temporarily seeing the wrong score of a baseball game they are probably watching anyway and interjecting themselves in a debate about it isn't already riding along rock bottom....
The target of this impeccably stupid twitter attack finds some people that agree with him and uses them to support his claim....
Annnnnd we come full circle with the original instigator getting "rewarded" with meaningless support for shamelessly playing the victim...
Honestly, if I ever have to explain to an alien what the internet is then I am showing them this engagement as a warning and refusing to give them the WiFi password, because this is a microcosm of how humans can ruin absolutely anything. |
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