First and foremost, I really hope it's not considered sexist that I have absolutely no idea who Kate Nash is. Never mind the 'Females Of All Description' pile, you could have slapped me upside the head with her record while singing her biggest hit and I still wouldn't have a damn clue what genre she truly belonged in. 

Second of all, I hate to admit this - because I'm pretty tired of talking about literally every harmless decision having an -ist tacked onto the end - but this is kinda sexist. Female musicians, just as much as male musicians, deserve their own distinction and I don't think you would find too many people that would argue otherwise. That's why my biggest problem with this move isn't that it's disrespectful to a gender. I understand it's solely because I am neither a women or a musician, but my main gripe is that the employees at this hole-in-the-wall record store half-assed their laziness. 

Honestly, what reasoning would a record store have for grouping all women together other than the fact that it takes less time than doing the research necessary to put them in their rightful spot? It's probably a nightmare trying to organize a new shipment. A duty I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. That's why the burnouts in charge should have maintained everyone's equal rights by doing the only thing a burnout should strive to do....less work. Throw all male records on one side of the room, all the female records on other side of the room, separate them with Boy George's entire discography, and everyone walks away happy. Well, everyone other than the customers that are trying to buy music in a timely fashion and the artists trying to sell it in an efficient manner, but what's more important - business or equality?

Amen. Just...amen. I was praying we would finally get a well thought out explanation as to why a starting quarterback wasn't super talkative and overly engaging after losing the biggest game of his life. It's been eating at me all offseason and I am not sure I could have truly enjoyed football if I didn't have a totallllllly non-scripted monologue revealing that it's participants actually have imperfections. Seriously, Cam Newton really let it come down to the wire by waiting until the end of August to discuss a six month old press conference. I could fill a pool big enough to drowned out all of his haters with the amount of sweat that was building up under my collar as time ticked away towards the season opener without final word on what was responsible for Cam Newton's frustrations following his loss in the Super Bowl. Thank God the fine folks at 'The Player's Tribune' covered it in such a timely manner or we never would have gotten an opportunity to debate - ad nauseam - how a public figure is supposed to handle disappointment. 

P.S. Please God, deliver us another athlete whose every word and action we can dissect on a weekly basis. Someone else - no - ANYONE else who does and says enough things that are worthy of over-analyzation for 5 months out of the year. The Cam Newton hysteria has run it's course and we need a new person to churn out headlines by the dozen just by being himself. 

And here I was thinking that there is nothing more obnoxious than someone boasting about how much money they make. Boy, did my alma mater really make me look stupid for thinking that someone publicizing their own financial security on social media is the most surefire sign of insecurity. I mean, that doesn't even remotely compare to the complex inferiority that a State University has to have about it's basketball team to gloat about the cumulative money made by players that went to other universities and were at one time coached by people who were at one time employed by said university. I wouldn't blame you if you turned back now, because I almost got lost in the maze of that ridiculous pattern of thinking like 3 different times while I was typing that sentence. That not-so-humble brag nearly defied the concept of '6 degrees of separation', and - since I don't expect people to know too much about Rutgers basketball - it was the perfect representation of a program that has been an undeniable atrocity. 

I really need to have a talk with the intern that was asked to run these numbers. Surely there are more productive ways for him to earn credits than by trying to make Rutgers men's basketball look like it's worth more than the pot they piss in. I'm impressed that someone in the the athletic department had the creativity to think of a way to VERY loosely connect the Scarlet Knights hoops team with a 10 figure monetary value, but I am certainly not impressed by the man hours it UNDOUBTEDLY took to get there. Some poor bastard was probably sitting on Google for a motherfucking week looking at the resumes of every graduate assistant that spent more than 5 minutes employed by Rutgers. He could have written a fucking thesis on the destitute state of his school's basketball team in the time it took him to do the intricate research and math necessary to craft one tweet that was supposed to make them look prosperous but instead made them look laughable. Christ Almighty Rutgers, act like  conference play just started and DO LESS.

P.S. I almost want this to be intentional just to get a rise out of people, but we are talking about the same program that hired Eddie Jordan as an "alumni" and then found out he never actually graduated 5 minutes after he signed on the dotted line. I won't put any amount of stupidity past them. 

You know what, Tony Stewart's blatant negligence may have just saved him from being labeled a racist. Don't get me wrong, as the biggest douchebag in an occupation that basically celebrates it's overwhelming whiteness under the guise of "patriotism", he's still very likely a racist. I just don't think we can officially tag him as such after he used the most common joke made at the expense of a racist as his point of contention against being racist. We are talking about a guy that has done and said no shortage of stupid shit. He's got the filter of every teenage girl's Instagram picture of the sunset. Somehow that works in his favor here because no there's no possible way that someone that loose-lipped could have a microphone put in their face that often and avoid saying something inherently racist if he truly was racist. 

If Tony Stewart really was a racist do you think he would have made it through an entire well traveled career in NASCAR without someone using "let me guess, you have a black friend?" towards him? He certainly would have heard that one before if he was constantly on the defense after making discriminatory statements. All the racial unrest that has been simmering in this country and the trigger for his prejudice was a quarterback not standing up for the National Anthem? Nah, I'm not buying it.

That's why I almost have to believe that Tony Stewart appearing prejudice is merely a product of the circumstances. If it wasn't then he surely would ran into some one along the way that would tell him that "I lived with a black guy for 5 years" isn't an acceptable response to an accusation of bigotry. Hell, if Tony Stewart's African American roommate thought he was the type of person that was going to use their experience under the same roof as a way to justify his intolerance than he surely would have given him the heads up that that would only make him look more guilty of it. So let's just treat Tony Stewart's black experience as nothing more than a fun fact, because - given his ability to withhold trying to use it to his advantage until now - it couldn't possibly be a sign of more.

Then again, we are talking about someone who somehow got away with killing a person with a goddamn racecar so maybe he's just great at getting himself off the hook despite having the subtlety of a Klan member at the BET awards...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...putting your balls in a spectator's mouth and financially reimbursing him for said teabag? Sounds a lot like prostitution to me. Is this a gentleman's sport or a Gentleman's Club? Can't imagine the higher ups are going to be too happy with those types of transactions being negotiated on television. 

Seriously though, if you get put in a bodybag by a U.S. Open participant you should lose the right to run your mouth ever again, no? Not that I think the person that just drew the ire of Bernard Tomic will because someone that's shameless enough to talk shit to a tennis player is shameless enough to continue to talk shit after getting verbally thrashed by a tennis player. Still, if whoever was on the receiving end of those responses had any self awareness he would realize that taunting is not his forte. He took aim at an athlete who plays a sport that requires short shorts, 6 inch voices, and appropriate language, and STILL took the 'L'.  He went for the low hanging fruit and didn't realize it was going to strike back with venomous barbs that are strictly forbidden. Takes a real small man to keep yapping at someone who is not supposed to respond, but it takes an even smaller man to get put in a proverbial pine box when they finally do. It's unfortunate that the crowd was bound by the court of too many laws from mocking this gasbag, because "I will put my balls in your mouth" from the lips of an Australian tennis player is worthy of the loudest of Rucker Park-esque roars. 

Look, I know just as well as you that what took place in that clip is not a boob grab so I am sorry for the false advertisement. Unfortunately I too had to suffer the same disappointment when I clicked a link thinking I was about to bear witness to a good ol' fashioned public display of exploration and instead got some kid who barely touched the bag as he strolled into second.

Honestly, what was that? I refuse to call it a "boob grab" because I would never want to insult the word "grab" like that. That kid is never going to get into scoring position if he keeps trying to steal bases without getting his hands dirty. I thought I was going to get the pleasure of watching some Texas white trash publicly feel up a woman exactly the way you would expect Texas white trash to publicly feel up a woman and he gave me a tit touch that looked more like he was checking it's temperature than testing it's durability. He could have gotten the foreplay started early and instead he decided to see if his girlfriend's breast was developing a common head cold.

This shit is sure to go viral and I wish I had the vaccination because this attention seeker couldn't even satisfy the most amateur of voyeur. This kid and his temple tickling sideburns got gifted a golden opportunity for a timeless GIF and came up shorter than he undoubtedly does in the bedroom. I'm not saying I am the type to grope a woman in front of a camera, but the second I got a look at that dude's face I knew that he was. Unfortunately he put on a performance reminiscent of a prepubescent prude that's just looking to brag to his friends instead of a an experienced baggage handler. There's no sand in it son. You're not going to pop it. Stop treating those T's like they aren't worthy of an 'A+' effort.


​h/t LBS

How's that for a role reversal! You're telling me that the Saints are picking up a proven veteran   whose likely on the downside of his career AFTER he underperformed a monster long term contract somewhere else?! They are getting a guy whose name will likely be bigger than his impact, but there is no chance it results in them eating a comical amount of dead money?! By no means do I don't think that Paul Kruger is a game changing addition, but I already like him better than the players on the roster who are in the same stage of their career with multiple years and guaranteed money on the books. Paul Kruger has already lived up to my expectations simply because his name isn't Junior Galette, Brandon Browner, Jairus Byrd, or C.J. Spiller. Is there all that much reason to be optimistic about a guy whose production fell off a cliff? Not really. Should I expect someone that dropped from 11 sacks to 2.5 sacks to be a formidable addition to a questionable pass rush? Probably not. Regardless of how much better the Saints scheme fits his skill set, Paul Kruger will likely end up being nothing more than solid depth signing that makes the dead weight at the ass end of the rotation expendable. However, if you asked him he would probably vehemently disagree and that's got to count for something...

Seriously, I loved Paul Kruger dropping a Nagasaki-style truth bomb on the Browns as the door hit his ass on the way out of the facility. I'm not even just saying that because he's a Saint now. There was something refreshing about a player showing gratitude, but somehow still calling a spade a spade. Hell if I know whether or not it was the right decision for the Browns to cut him, but I'll be damned if the passion with which he thinks it wasn't doesn't have me excited to see if he can prove them wrong. After all, he's clearly got all the characteristics that I want to see in aging free agent pickups whose value is in the shitter relative to what it used to be. Those include deep-seated resentment and a hunger for a vengeance. If Paul Kruger fails it won't be because he doesn't have the strongest of desires to succeed, and sadly that's something that hasn't been common of other players that the Saints have trusted - by way of far more egregious financial commitments - to match their past performances. 

This has nothing to do with me wanting to see a professional athlete incur an injury so brutal that it had grown men that witness horrific, stomach churning violence on a week-to-week basis leaving their breakfast on the field. I certainly wouldn't derive any pleasure from watching a player whither around on the ground in agony after contorting their knee in such a way that the biggest, baddest human beings on the planet turned into college freshman that have yet to learn their bottom shelf liquor limits.

That said...I have to see it. If the general consensus is that I absolutely shouldn't then it's my duty as a sports fan to lay witness to every skin-piercing break, bone chilling fracture, and jaw dropping tear. Shame on the people reporting this without providing video. I know that it would seem disingenuous to collect favorites, retweets, and shares from a tragedy, but it's a tragedy that would remind us that us that the game we invest so much time, emotion, and gluttony into is essentially no different than hunting humans for sport. We benefit from the beauty of the one handed grabs, effortless jukes, and earth shattering hits so - in turn - we should have to have our guts bubbled by the carnage that comes as an unwanted result. It's not out of amusement, but necessity. Plus, it would make 'The Sporting News' feel pretty awful about the timing of their posts...

Obviously as an active participant I know how big of a deal fantasy football is to people, but goddamn - can we get a grace period!?! Maybe wait for one prognosis out of respect for the person that just tore their knee to shreds before we go treating the guy like nothing more than a lost stat line? That article about how the injury to Teddy Bridgewater - however bad it may be - effects Adrian Petersen's value in a fictional, online sport was actually posted 4 minutes PRIOR to the article notifying people of his injury. I'm not even sure Teddy's gurney was wheeled into the hospital yet, and we already had an updated draft value on his running back. I love spending Sundays helplessly checking the score of a game I have absolutely no control over as much as the next guy, but can we at least pretend we feel bad for a promising young player whose injury appeared so disturbing at first glance that teammates were crying, praying, and slamming their helmets in disgust? If the Vikings hadn't canceled practice early they would have been able to read about their backup quarterback's ability to push the ball down the field and open up running lanes before they even got back to the locker room. Not saying I don't appreciate the info, but - considering no one is holding a fantasy draft at 3:30PM on a Tuesday - can it maybe wait a couple hours? If for no other reason then to give Teddy Bridgewater the illusion that anyone outside of Minnesota with WiFi and more than two friends cares he's alive.

NYPost- Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson treated a Ben & Jerry’s kiosk at the US Open like it was his own freezer — reaching in and snagging an ice cream bar before strolling off without paying, multiple sources told The Post.

But it was the Brooklyn-born bruiser’s celebrity status and tough-guy image that prevented him from getting creamed by US Open officials.

“I was like, ‘Are you serious? Am I imagining this?’ (Tyson) was like, ‘I feel like having an ice cream’ and he just took it,” said one stunned worker, adding, “What are you going to do, fight him? He’s Mike Tyson.”

The troubled brawler lifted the lid of the freezer stand, scooped out the $5.50 “Half Baked” ice cream bar and strolled off without paying for it, the witnesses said.

The female worker behind the stand yelled, “Excuse me, are you going to pay for that,” but Tyson just ignored her and kept walking, according to the witnesses.



I am fully aware that headline reads like a shitty Chuck Norris joke, but that doesn't mean it's not the truth. I really don't think you can consider something stolen when there was not an ounce of subtlety involved in taking in. If there is someone to blame here it's probably every ice cream attendant that Mike Tyson has come into contact with in the past, because the alleged casualness with which he strolled off with it is fitting of someone that truly has no idea that 'Ben & Jerry's' bars cost money. I bet there's a ton of shit that Iron Mike thinks are free. Meals, drinks, sex, ear reattachment surgery. Poor guy is out there getting accused of theft by people who were too intimated by his presence to remind him that he was supposed to pay. How is that his fault? I think it's about time we hold our concessions operators to higher standards. Take that $5.50 out her paltry paycheck because if she really cared about it she would have made sure that one of the baddest men of all time paid full price for a delightfully creamy refreshment. Can't believe we are sitting here throwing dirt on the name of the funny guy with the lisp in 'Hangover' when we should be crucifying a woman in a silly hat for not fulfilling the one necessary duty of her job. Does she think she's getting reimbursed for occasionally sticking her hand in a cool freezer during the dog days of summer or something? Just seems a little accusatory to say someone robbed you when you were staring at the most recognizable face on the planet when it all went down. 

Umm...Heidi? I'm not one to tell a person what they can and can't think. After all - regardless of how a particular backup quarterback feels - it is a relatively free country. Still, I don't think I am out of line for telling you that you probably should have sat this one out. May have been better off waiting for the next media driven controversy to mindlessly spout off your thoughts on Twitter. Just seems a bit disingenuous to start playing "mom" to your birth son 28 years after you decided not to be his mom, never mind choosing to do in front of the world on social media. I'm no expert on the family dynamic,  but I'm pretty sure that if you share a bloodline but not the cell phone numbers required to have a private text conversation then it's probably best to save your parental advice for the children you did choose to raise. I don't want to make any declarative statements because I don't how the whole adoption process works, but I am fairly certain you lose the right to say someone brings shame to a family when you hand them over to a completely different family. I'm not shaming this woman for a giving up a child she couldn't raise because this world has far too many idiots with negligent, incapable mommy's and daddy's running around, but I am shaming her for dropping suggestive proverbs on someone whose actions she conceded the ability to judge decades ago. Especially since she invited the criticism by doing so on the GODDAMN INTERNET!!! 

Oh wait, that was supposed to be a video that made me feel bad for Hope Solo, wasn't it? Dammit, I totally misread that. I thought I had learned when firings were and weren't supposed to be funny from years of watching 'Hard Knocks'. It appears I still have some "studying" to do, because I thought it was nothing more than a nice mid-week picker-upper. Legit had a smile on my face the second it started with a closeup of Hope Solo's glossy eyes with the backdrop of the most hip-notizing of Luau music. Audibly laughed when she struggled to pronounce the word "suspension" through heartbroken sobs. All the sudden - BANG - I'm getting hit with "equal pay" propaganda like it wasn't hilarious watching her break down into the arms of man she's been in multiple domestic disputes with.

Hope Solo getting emotional like her termination wasn't well deserved was really intended to make me feel compassion? Who the fuck is directing this documentary? Think they could give me a little heads up on how to feel in the beginning of the trailer so I don't get to the end and feel like an asshole? I suppose the crying should have been a dead giveaway, but you're going to have to do a little better than crocodile tears if you want me to feel sympathy for a person as awful as Hope Solo. Especially when the apparent purpose of the film is to draw attention to a gender pay gap and your subject is someone whose own team decided she wasn't even worth what she was being underpaid. Not sure there's any amount of editing that could make this doc-series tug on my heartstrings so they might as well turn it into an uplifting compilation of Hope Solo weeping. 

You know, for people of a profession whose job - at least partially - entails determining guilt, police officers aren't all that savvy at knowing how to appear innocent. For ONCE a racially charged protest wasn't all about law enforcement, and San Francisco POA still felt the need to basically indict themselves by demanding an apology. Colin Kaepernick's actions were taken in opposition of oppression as a whole, and the fact that a group of cops thought it was directed specifically at them speaks volumes.

It almost feels like they know that there is a subset of their peers that tend to discriminate against folks of a certain skin color. Why else would they ask an NFL player to say "sorry" as if the entirety of his issue resides with the police force? Colin Kaepernick spoke for what? About 5 minutes? And used maybe 20-30 seconds of that 5 minutes to address the fact that - factually speaking - there are cops getting paid not to work after taking liberties with their authority and costing African Americans their lives in the process? That might not tell the whole story, but that doesn't mean it's not a pretty goddamn important chapter. Colin Kaepernick certainly gave a biased interpretation of things, but it wasn't a completely untrue interpretation. 

Sometimes I just wonder how people who immediately judge those who are overly defensive are so quick to become overly defensive. How those who look at aggressive denials as admissions of guilt are just as likely to aggressively deny the truth as the people they place in handcuffs. I respect the shit out of the job that law enforcement does, but they need to realize that some of their colleagues have their flaws. Attempting to argue differently and demanding an apology from someone whose cause - regardless if you agree with how it was carried out - is honorable gives a mighty clear look into the conscience of those whose co-workers (albeit a vast minority of them) have proven to be just a litttttle bit prejudice. This isn't some new phenomenon. The more defiantly you claim guiltlessness the more undesired the effect, so no - apparently the SFPOA doesn't deserve that apology quite yet. 

Uproxx- “Not that he wants to speak out about a very important issue. No, he can speak out about a very important issue. But there’s plenty of other ways that you can do that in a peaceful manner that doesn’t involve being disrespectful to the American flag.”

“The great thing about this country is that we have the freedoms that allow you to speak out openly about any issue. So I’m not commenting on the issue itself because any person has the right to speak out on any issue they want. That’s the great thing about being an American. But the American flag is what represents those freedoms.”

“Like, it’s an oxymoron that you’re sitting down, disrespecting that flag that has given you the freedom to speak out.”



Normally I would just blindly acquiesce to Drew Brees. That's partially because (::wipes Terrell Owens tear::) that's my quarterback, but mostly it's because he's seems like a much smarter man than myself. Unfortunately, this is going to be one of those rare instances that I don't (and I fully accept that's because I'm probably wrong). You see, I didn't agree with what Colin Kaepernick did either. Not because of what it represented, but because it feels like the childish way he chose to go about making his point actually took away from his point. Sure, he's sparked nationwide debate, but the central argument being had isn't about the obvious oppression that takes place in this country, but about whether or not a backup quarterback is an ungrateful communist. That may not have been his goal, but that's the kind of irrational backlash you spark when you dishonor the American flag. 

Think about that for a second. This whole controversy is over someone refusing to stand and face a piece of cloth during a antiquated song that - in it's entirety - makes multiple references to slavery. I love the stars and stripes as much as everyone else and I think it takes a real asshole to stomp on them or light them on fire, but let's not act like every red blooded male hasn't owned a bathing suit that had that which we apparently hold so dearly resting comfortably against his scrotum. We'll literally slap the American flag on anything these days so can we stop pretending it's some divine symbol of our freedoms of which we are not worthy? 

It's very clear that Colin Kaepernick could have chosen a more productive way to get his message out there but my main issue isn't that he disparaged a banner, it's that he really did nothing more than bring attention to himself in the process. When JFK coined the phrase "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country" I don't think he was referring to standing at attention and staring mindlessly at a flag. Clearly I still do so, but the fact that Colin Kaepernick doesn't isn't a reason to build a wall solely to keep him out. I love Drew Brees, but if the flag is that representative of what this country provides then it's also representative of some pretty fucked up shit. Sitting on your ass doesn't cure discrimination, but neither does putting your hand over your heart and ignoring it's existence so maybe neither party is totally in the right. Whatever the case may be, it's still just a goddamn flag and our nation has far too many problems to prioritize recognizing it above all else.

WHAT?! Say it ain't so! You mean to tell me that a cover corner that was statistically unable to cover ANYONE was actually one of the reasons for his defense's failures instead of a byproduct of them?! Am I to believe that it wasn't the Saints "weak" locker room that was responsible for him getting beaten like a red-headed step-child and flagged like the red-necked regular sitting at the end of the bar? I thought that rejoining the franchise that once was so successful in covering up his deficiencies as a player - before they deteriorated into laughable vulnerabilities - would help turn him into a productive contributor again.

Poor bastard thought he was slotting right back into the 'Legion Of Doom' and it turns out his career is Legion Of Doom'd. Guess a clean bill of health couldn't even help Brandon Browner remotely resemble a capable defensive back. Turns out there's no amount  of  fully functioning MCL's that could aide him in running step-for-step with an average NFL wide receiver. Who knew? With all the shit he was consistently talking throughout the last 12 months you could have sworn the guy was well on his way to backing it all up. It's a real shame that his age, attitude, indifference, and general lack of skill or ability finally caught up to him. It honestly couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

P.S. I wrote this as if it were a forgone conclusion that Brandon Browner was going to get cut. In the interest of full disclosure I was deathly afraid that he was going to have a career resurgence in Seattle and turn Week 8 against the Saints into his coming (back) out party, so I won't be disingenuous and act like I didn't dodge a bullet as I return fire at the corpse of a cornerback. 

“Well, we played pretty bad. I don’t think they a whole of things to stop us. We played bad at every position and usually that’s what happens when you play bad — you don’t score a lot of points.”


There it is, ladies and gentleman. The perfect answer to preseason failures. I know that sounds sarcastic, but I couldn't be more serious. These interviews are for the fans, and do you know what the fans want to hear after a first team offense struggles mightily in it's most telling dress rehearsal? Well, it's safe to say the answer to that question isn't "impending doom". They don't want to hear their starting quarterback talk about "hitting the playbook harder", or "developing chemistry", or "coming together as a team". All of those cliches reek of hopelessness with less than two weeks to go before the start of the season. How could Jaguars fans remain blindly optimistic if their leader was out there alluding to team-wide troubles?  They don't need the truth. They just need a reassurance that their undoubtedly inflated expectations still have a chance to be met until the season starts and they have a real reason to go into panic mode. 

Basically what I am saying is that collective crapiness seems much more fixable than shared confusion. Everyone can relate to occasionally sucking at something they are usually good at. Just so happens that every Jaguars starter fell victim to it on the exact same day. Hey, as far as Jags fans are concerned what they just witnessed is as ugly as this season can possibly get. Think about that. What are the odds that they play "pretty bad" at EVERY position AGAIN?! Even the most impressive seasons have low points. The Jaguars experienced theirs before the games even counted AND they still won! If you can't ignore obvious flaws during preseason victories then when can you ignore them?! Either way, things can only go up from here. I'm sure Jacksonville fans are all-too-familiar with that phrase, but this time they actually have a legitimate reason to believe it could be true! Even if it turns out to be false, Blake Bortles' nonchalance towards his team's cumulative failures just bought them at least two more weeks of irrational confidence and that's all we are really looking for as sports fans. Well, that and quarterback that can ease the burden of a negative message by calmly delivering it with his hands casually resting on the inside of his shoulder pads. 

h/t BustedCoverage

Translation: “I love you more than life.”


They are gonna make it, they are really gonna make it! I know I implied (AKA flat out said) that this relationship was nothing more than a mutual obsession whose flame seemed destined to quickly flare out, but I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. Forget tattooing someone's name on your arm after two months of seeing one another, because not even permanent ink is as much of a promise of love everlasting as a loosely translated quote posted on Twitter.

I take back everything I said before. Grete Sadieko isn't going to graduate college and realize it's totally unnatural for a man fresh out of a defunct marriage to rebound by immediately committing himself to a 23 year old. Not when all she has to do is go to a public website to read the sweet, seductive Estonian words that once convinced her otherwise. A union that seemingly went 0-to-100 real quick isn't eventually going to accelerate right into a wall. No sir. Not when all RG3 needs to do to remind himself of how much he adores his new significant other is glance at his forearm as he repeats the reassuring words of a Northern European Baltic region. At first it seemed unorthodox for someone that wedded young and divorced shortly thereafter to be jumping at the chance for another relationship, but you can't argue with a love so pure that it manifests itself through social media posts. The couples who instantaneously value each other more than life itself and feel the need to tell the world about it are always the couples whose fire burns eternally.

P.S. How mad must his ex-wife be? You know she's online stalking the shit out of him, and she just had to plug some random, indecipherable phrase into Google Translate just to learn that she's already a complete afterthought? Would NOT want to be an inanimate object within an arm's length of her right now. 

I am so far beyond taking Donald Trump's words and actions at face value. I genuinely believe that this tweet is just another in a long line of politically (...and civilly, and socially, and humanely) incorrect statements that make up the most intricate and public act of self sabotage in history of nationwide elections. I know referring to Trump as "smart" is frowned upon given the steadily climbing trajectory of indecency he has embarked on throughout his Presidential campaign so I won't. I will say that he's successful enough as a business man to know how disgusting it is to use the cold-blooded murder of a recognizable athlete's family member to pander to the demographic for which she was a part of.  Forget the fact that it's disgraceful to use the death of an African American in a attempt to sway the African American vote, because the idea of a politician using tragedy to his advantage isn't new. The idea of a politician trying to use a tragedy to his advantage when the forgone conclusion is failure absolutely is. That's why I refuse to believe this was an actual thought that Donald Trump thought needed publishing. 

What I do find funny - in the grimmest of ways, of course - is that even when Donald Trump was trying to use a basketball player's celebrity to politicize the untimely demise of his loved one he still couldn't bother to spell the guy's name right. You just know that before D-Wade reached the end of this tweet and comprehended what Trump was doing, he cursed him under his breathe for mixing up the 'Y' and the 'A'. That misspelling was actually refreshing in the sense that it was a Trump fuck up that I can comfortably believe to be unintentional. I find that I can no longer get a laugh at the outlandish thoughts of 'The Donald' because they have become too preposterous to seem legitimate. He's deliberately transformed himself into an online parody of himself and stupidity is far less humorous when it's not genuine. I can appreciate the Dwyane/Dwayne confusion partly because I am a repeat offender, but mostly because I can look at it and say "what a fucking dumbass" without feeling like that's exactly how he wants me to feel. 

It wouldn't have felt right coming from anyone else. Honestly, if Ryan Lochte was going to find out he was being mercilessly mocked onstage at an award show by a famous late night show host then he should find out from his friend. Not only because it eases the blow, but because it provides said friend with an irrational sense of satisfaction. Good thing Michael Phelps wasn't sipping a drink or he would have spit it everywhere trying to be the first person to text a picture of a parodied Ryan Lochte to Ryan Lochte himself. I bet it was accompanied by a good natured joke at his expense too. That's just how it goes. You do something stupid and any real friend holds it over your head until the end of time. The joy he felt in his heart - that was ever present in his reaction - when he was blessed with an opportunity to make sport of his buddy is something that every male can relate to. If Michael Phelps wasn't the first one with a camera out and shit eating grin on his face then I would really have to question the allegiance he feels towards his oh-so-dumb teammate, because a heads-up from any other party wouldn't have felt anywhere near as gratifying to the sender or the receiver.    If the most decorated Olympian of all time wasn't the one laughing the loudest as Jimmy Fallon rattled off a host of laughable fabrications on behalf of his homie then it would have spoken volumes about how much of that bond is cultivated by the cameras.