So, NFL SpinZone did a nice little writeup on potential destinations for Ryan Mallet. You know, the Ryan Mallet that couldn't beat out Brian Hoyer, or his alarm clock for that matter, in an effort to quarterback the Houston Texans. Their suggestions, as well as MY reasoning for their suggestions, are as follows...
Washington Redskins- Because you can never have enough below average, immobile, white quarterbacks, and when your franchise is run by Daniel Snyder the less mature and more enigmatic the better.
Cleveland Browns- Josh McCown has been battling injuries, and well, at least this irresponsible backup quarterback is sober.
Tennessee Titans- Only reason I can think of is that Ryan Mallet is too 'Nashville' not to be around Nashville.
Dallas Cowboys- A culture of controversy can only be successful if it's consistent, and Matt Cassel and Brandon Weeden aren't bringing on the field, but more importantly the aren't bringing it off the field.
New England Patriots- Hey, you never know, maybe Bill Belichick has been far too concerned with his own team to see any of the many headlines Ryan Mallet has been responsible for since leaving New England.
I still think these destinations share one commonality that makes them all extremely unlikely. That commonality is that they are all NFL franchises, so let's discuss 5 actual destinations...
A tattoo parlor- Fine, you got me. This isn't an actual picture of Ryan Mallet, it's just a half decent photoshop job. However, you definitely believed it for a second. Ryan Mallet looks just white trashy enough to clutter his body and the bodies of others with ill conceived, poorly executed illustrations. Might take some time to get the hang of it, but if the world needs more of one thing, it's bad tattoos.
An Uber driver- Do I know if Ryan Mallet is any good behind the wheel of a car? Nope, and that's why Uber driving is the perfect job for him. You don't have to be good. Just got to have a car and a license. The best part? Ryan Mallet can't be late if he makes his own hours.
Mechanic- Doesn't Ryan Mallet look like he should be walking out the back of a garage wiping oil and sweat from his forehead? The added bonus? He wouldn't have to interact with that many people, and that's clearly his biggest flaw.
Human Resources Manager- Ryan Mallet is just bad enough at his job to be responsible for the job security of others. Irrational sense of importance? Illogical ability to look down on others? Ryan Mallet was born to sit behind a desk and scroll through whiny emails. I imagine he got some much needed experience looking at his Twitter feed throughout the last month.
Cable Guy- The hardest thing to do in the workplace is manage expectations. The best part about working for a cable company is that expectations don't possibly get any lower. Ryan Mallet might be notoriously late, but the best way to fix that is to give him an 8 hour window to show up. Being a cable provider is like being a professional inconvenience, and Ryan Mallet has being a pain in the ass down pat.
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