An NFL Scout Thinks Joe Mixon Is A Sweetie Compared To Tyreek Hill, Since That's Apparently The Standard Now
MMQB- Mixon probably is a candidate to go in the first round. And outside of an altercation over a parking ticket, Mixon’s kept his nose clean since.
“It needs to be the right market, a team that can handle the onslaught, the right PR staff, because you’ll have to weather the storm,” said one area scout assigned to the Sooners. “But the guy the Chiefs drafted [Tyreek Hill], Joe Mixon isn’t half the d-----bag that guy was. You’d have to search to find people that don’t like him. Maybe the parking-lot attendant. Everyone there loves him. And I believe them.”
There it is, time to update the scouting report!
Name: Joe Mixon
Position: Running Back
Height/Weight: 6'1, 225 lbs.
Strengths: Good lateral quickness, solid pass-catcher out of the backfield, adequate at pass protection, violent hands, surprisingly fast escapability, comparatively speaking - less than a half-full bag of dicks.
Weaknesses: Requires a babysitter with a watchful eye, demands his own VIP parking spot, may punch women that refuse him sex and/or use homophobic slurs.
Notes: Never knowingly assaulted a pregnant woman.
Gee, I wonder what it's going to take to trade up for that guy?! I wasn't on board the Joe Mixon train before, but now I'm ready to throw on the conductor hat and toot his fucking horn all the way to the top of my hypothetical draft board. How could I not after that rave review? Everyone in the program that kept the video of his assault of a woman under wraps for years loves him? Say no more. Forfeit the rights to the war room. Just take the draft picks. Take all the draft picks. I need the guy that threatened to run over a parking attendant with his car on my team and I need him at all costs. I know he shattered a woman's facial structure like a lightbulb, but did you see how much success Tyreek Hill had this year? Think about putting a guy of that caliber in the backfield, but only having to be slightly less worried that he'll commit some sort of egregious felony like beating the piss out of any female that doesn't immediately drop to their knees upon his entrance into a room. Someone pinch me. I must be dreaming, because Joe Mixon sounds like a prospect that is too good to be true!
In all seriousness, Joe Mixon deserves a chance to make his NFL dream a reality. He was an 18 year old kid that made a horrible, inexcusable mistake. He followed it up with another transgression that is mildly more acceptable because collegiate meter maids are the work of lucifer himself. He dug his own hole and he should be given the chance to climb out of it.
That does not mean he should get the benefit of the doubt, and it damn sure doesn't mean there should be an NFL scout making him sound like he's the goddamn toast of the town by comparing his likability to someone that kicked the crap out of the soon-to-be mother of his child. Maybe let the kid try to shed an amount of red flags that would put Minesweeper to shame instead of flowering him with insanely relative compliments, because I could make Tyreek Hill look like Mother Teresa by putting him on a draft board with Hitler...or maybe just Greg Hardy on a bad day.