Andre Iguodala's Ex-Wife Says That He Doesn't Want His Daughter Playing Basketball Because It Will Turn Her Lesbian

Complex- Raising kids is expensive, no doubt, but it's unclear what kind of crazy accounting Andre Iguodala's ex-girlfriend Clayanna Warthen used to come up with a figure like $58,000 per month (though you can probably guess). During a contentious child support case, that's the bloated bill Warthen wants the Finals MVP to come up with, up from $18,000 per month, because otherwise that kid would be eating cat food or something.

Warthen further alleged, at a hearing Monday, that Andre doesn't want their six-year-old daughter following in the family business for fear that playing basketball at school will turn her into a lesbian.

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Before we begin, I am going to need everyone to do me a favor. Turn off your brains for this one. Not only is this nothing more than an allegation, but it's an allegation from the most spiteful, irrational type of person that exists in society. An ex-wife. An ex-wife, mind you, that thinks requesting $58,000 per month is reasonable compensation for raising her own child. However, looking at it from that perspective makes this story far less funny. So since I am not exactly in the business of truth telling let's allow our imaginations to run wild for a few minutes. Andre Iguodala - in all likelihood - isn't a close-minded homophobe, but it's way more entertaining if we just pretend that he is.

I can just imagine someone sitting there trying to explain to Iggy that a person can be born a homosexual. I bet the first mental image that crossed his mind was a little baby girl popping straight out of womb with a mini-Spalding in her hand. Like he fundamentally doesn't understand that someone's sexuality can be developed before their general likes and dislikes have been decided. I bet he thinks of lesbianism the same way he thinks of AIDS. Can't get AIDS without first developing HIV just like you can't get the gay without first catching the 'Basketball Jones'. Classic 'chicken or the egg' situation. What came first, the lesbo or her elbow jumper? It's a question as old as time itself. It's not Andre Iguodala's fault that no one taught him the right answer. 

All this time he's been thinking that he just had to keep his daughter away from all forms of organized sport and one day he would have biological grandkids. You know how many Barbie's he must have bought her when she was young? I bet he painted the whole fucking house pink. Probably had all of his basketball memorabilia in the basement under lock and key. Anything so that his daughter didn't realize that basketball was in her blood. I can just picture him taking daily trips to Western Union to wire hush money to his ex-wife so she doesn't sign his daughter up for the 'Dyke Developmental League', or as us progressive folks like to call it, 'First Grade Rec Basketball'. Sure, that thought process is as ignorant as it is offensive, but if it helps the 'NBA Finals MVP' get his 8 hours then who am I to judge?

P.S. You know why I really don't believe this story? I mean, other than the fact that the only source for this absurd accusation is a scorned woman, that by all accounts, is completely off the reservation. Why on earth would Andre Iguodala care if his daughter is gay? That sounds like a blessing. One day I am going to have a daughter, and I pray she comes out with an affinity for the fairer sex. Talk about dodging a bullet! Do you know what teenage boys are like now-a-days? Think of how much of a disgusting shithead you were when you were younger and multiple it by 1,000. I have made far too many religious jokes not to father a whore. If that's the case then I would rather have a whore that's only worried about her box score. You know what I call a daughter that spends half her time munching rug and other half shooting hoops with dear old dad... 

A best case scenario.