DeadSpin- Giants cornerback Prince Amukamara was a first-round pick in the 2011 draft, and hasn't exactly lived up to the high expectations that were set for him in the three years since. But so far this season, Amukamara has been playing well—he's got two picks and seven passes defended through the first four games—and teammate Antrel Rolle has a theory as to why. According to Rolle, it's because Amukamara is finally boning. We poked around to find out what Rolle actually said that was paraphrased in that first parenthetical. Rolle's exact words were: "he's getting some cutty now."
For starters, I don't like that quote, because I am too busy loving it.
However, this may be the most obvious observation in the history of observations. If I were the Giants I would have tied him down and bought him a hooker the first day of his rookie training camp. Can't trust someone that has been out there walking around with one in the chamber his whole life. Have you ever tried to concentrate with a loaded gun in your drawers, It is damn near impossible. That's what this means, right? No sex means no masturbation? If that is true it is a modern miracle that Prince Amukamara has made it this far in life.
Mentally, What's one thing you need to play cornerback in the NFL? Confidence. A corner that hesitates is a corner that doesn't have a job. Remember when you lost your virginity? Pretty sure I was walking around like I had a 3rd leg for a month. Biggest confidence booster of all time. To this day sleeping with a girl for the first time will add a little swagger to your strut. You look better, you feel better, and you perform better. Why do you think slump busters exist? You're not thinking clearly when the pipes are backed up. Even more so when you can't do it yourself. How can someone possibly focus when the only time they orgasm they wake up with crusty sheets? I look at people that abstain from sex and masturbation like I look at people that scale Mount Everest. I respect them based on how impossible the task seems in my head.
Lest we forget that another characteristic a cornerback needs is fluid hips. There is only a small number of ways to gain more fluidity in the hips. Practice, repetition, and fucking. Prince has actively been abstaining from doing the best cornerback exercise on the planet. Why do you think Antonio Cromartie has 35 kids? He is dedicated to his craft.
The sneaky craziest part of Prince abstaining from sex is that he married someone without finding out how they are in bed. I won't even be in a monogamous relationship with someone without finding out how they stack up in the sheets. That is cuckoo. He went from from no sex to married sex. I am depressed for him. Although I guess he doesn't know any different. Maybe ignorance is, indeed, bliss.
He's never had a drink either. It is not often I can say this. I would way rather be myself than Prince Amukamara. I don't care how much his contract is worth. No sex and no beer in college? I wouldn't even have gotten through orientation. At least if you are drinking you can just abstain from sex by getting way too drunk. I probably spent about 97% of my college years thinking about where my next lay or drink was coming from. Bonkers, just bonkers.
P.S. I refuse to believe he never masturbated. That just doesn't compute in my pea sized brain.
P.P.S. I looked up what the Bible says about masturbation. Apparently it is considered "self abuse". In other news, the Bible sucks.