Apparently The New Jersey Devils Are The Sole Reason That I Am Single

New Jersey Devils- To say this guy is in a transitional stage in his life would be putting it lightly. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship in years, and that should throw up a red flag as far as taking the next step.


​Full disclusure, I'm not one of those people that's big on these "this is what your choice of team says about you". There are so many different types of people that root for the same team that the entire concept doesn't even make a modicum of sense. Really it's only clickbait with the sole purpose of getting a cheap laugh at the expense of bad hockey teams.

​With that said, sometimes they just make too much sense not to take seriously. I am not saying that every Devils fan has an undeniable fear of commitment, but I am saying that the Devils are completely at fault for mine. It's actually kind of a relief. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing was getting pretty old. Well, it's your lucky day ladies. It's not you. It's not me. It's the New Jersey fucking Devils. I can't believe I didn't see it before. I spend at least 82 days a year as a unpredictable, volatile asshole because of the New Jersey Devils. That's nearly a quarter of the calendar year where I have more mood swings than a menstruating women watching a romantic comedy. That doesn't lend itself to being in a successful, healthy relationship. Shit, I am already in a very unsuccessful, very unhealthy relationship with my favorite hockey team. Any woman that wants to take ride in this love bug is getting crammed uncomfortably in to the backseat.

Sorry gals, I know I seem like a super great catch, but I am going through a transitional phase, and I'm not coming out the other side until John Hynes and the gang figure this whole thing out. There is only so much time in the day to worry about things that are out of my control, and without Lou Lamoriello at the helm, that time needs to be devoted to relationship maintenance. I don't have the patience to worry about an upset sidechick, I am too preoccupied with the most unimpressive girlfriend of all time. She's not all that good looking from afar and she always disappoints me. Yet, every time I am on the verge of calling it quits she uses some incredibly underwhelming gesture to lure me back in. I have been neutral-zone trapped into the longest, most polarizing relationship ever. If someone is to blame for why I am not technically on the market then it's the only bitch that makes me truly happy but seemingly yearns for my despair, the New Jersey Devils.