Probably Not The Best Idea To Get Saucy And Challenge A Disney Character To A PUsh-Up Contest1/5/2015 There aren't that many rules to engaging in a physical challenge. I do, however, believe that the first one is to make sure you are going to win. I'm not talking a friendly wager in the gym or during a practice. I'm taking about every day life. You can't just walk the streets, or theme parks, challenging every person that looks at you funny to a pushup contest. If you do, you better be damn sure you come out victorious. Safe to say that rule two is to not be inebriated during the encounter. I would be lying if I said I haven't indulged in a few adult beverages at Disney World, but then again, I also wasn't trying got take on Chip & Dale in a tag team match. Beer muscles are a legitimate phenomenon. A phenomenon that exists in bar fights against other drunk people. It also aids in the quick recovery from drunk battle wounds, until the next morning that is. A great example of this is when this kid shatters his chin attempting to do one arm pushups like a hero. Sure, he probably painted the town red shortly there after, but you can bet your ass he didn't feel the true brunt of his actions until the next morning. Regardless, no amount of beers is going to increase your physical abilities. Like I said, you have to know your opponent. Especially if you are going to put your 'talents' on display in a public setting. One of the last people I am challenging to a push-up contest is a Disney character. I am not saying every Disney character is a picture of perfect health, although it does take some amount of endurance to prance around all day dressed in a costume in the Florida heat. If there is one thing I know about the people that are hired to play Disney characters it is that they are one firing away from sucking dick to pay rent. If there is two things I know about them it is that they are showmen. They are entertainers. Maybe not the most prolific of entertainers, but entertainers none the less. Never has a mascot or a person in a costume ever agreed to a challenge they weren't certain they would win, and never has a person in a suit been a good sportsman. If you happen to win you're the asshole that challenged Gaston to a pushup contest, and if you lose you are publicly shamed in from of a bunch of 5 year olds on leashes and their miserable parents. Just a no win scenario. Plus, if you go into a showdown with a man in a costume as the underdog, you are doing something very, very wrong. BONUS: Possibly the best mascot showdown of all time...
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Am I surprised that the Devils, who nearly bored me to tears and an untimely sober slumber in the second period of Friday night's game, proverbially castrated the Philadelphia Flyers just 24 short hours later? A little. As far as shock level, I am far more surprised that I am even mildly surprised at all. I fell for the bait. I got caught in the trap. I was lulled into a false sense of suckery. The truth is, the Devils are better than the Flyers. The standings show them currently tied to the ineptitude of 35 points each. Forget games played. Forget upcoming schedule. I'm going gut on this one. It's as simple as the eye test. The Devils came into this season with the same expectations that Andy Dalton has when he starts a playoff game. Winning would be nice, but try not to get killed in the process. Their best player, other than Mike Cammalleri, is a 43 years old. The average age of their only competent defenseman is approximately 17.5. Meanwhile, the Flyers boast a roster of two of the highest scoring players in the league. They are coming off a a year in which they made the playoffs, and had similar expectations for this year. The fact that we can even have a legitimate debate about who the better team is shows how bad the Flyers are. Give me the crappy team that was supposed to be crappy over the team that's drastically underachieving 11 times out of 10. Men lie. women lie, numbers don't. The Devils are now 2-1 on the year against Philly's finest and they are averaging 4 goals a game in those contests. Based on a rough estimate I would say that 25% of the Devils goals have come against the Flyers. If the Devils played the Flyers every single game they would be the highest scoring team in the league and would be sitting comfortably atop the standings. Two wins every three games would give the Devils 56 wins (you always round up with Philly, better to assume failure). Playoff bound? Ha! Let's talk President's Trophy contention. That's why a tip of the cap is necessary to the Philadelphia Flyers. They make the phrase "Impossible Is Nothing" ring true. Jagr buried a hat trick last night for the first time in a decade. Gomez not only took, but scored, on a slapshot. Without doing Jaworski levels of film study I can say confidently that the last time Jagr had a hat trick was about the same time Gomez took, never mind scored, on a slapshot. Jagr may as well grow back the mullet for games against the Flyers. Gomez better get some hair plugs. The only thing that stopped last night from looking like 2004 was their hairstyles, or lack thereof. The Flyers are so good at achieving miracles that they were even able to awake Elias from his season long drunken stupor to get on the scoresheet. Just unGodly levels of incompetence. Only a Flyer could kick a mask-less goaltender in the face and achieve nothing more than a quick whistle. Only a team engulfed in an aura of failure could make Mark Fraser look like he belongs in the NHL. And of course, a toss of the hat for ye' ole Jaromir Jagr. Jag-Tits, if you will. A pleasure to watch amidst a season of monotony. Sure, he turns the puck over more than you'd like, but he's also about 20 years older than the Devils organization would like. He still, despite his age, has the ability to turn back the clock every so often. It seems the entire team is able to when they skate against that orange clad disgrace of an organization. Plus, you can never discount the entertainment value of a classic Jagr soundbite, like what he said when he was asked about his first goal… “Tough angle, huh?” Jagr said. “Just talent. Pure talent. That's all I've got to say. I don't want to sound overconfident, but … just kidding.” Let's be honest. The rest of the season doesn't hold too much to look forward to. Anything short of a 30 game winning streak probably leaves the Devils on the outside looking in. At this stage of the game, I wouldn't trust the Devils to outclass the Albany Devils 30 games in a row. However, as long as they can reel us back in from that ledge every so often with a win of that magnitude I can believe in the 'process', whatever that may be. Give me a couple more lashings of the Flyers and a record that reflects the Devils finishes one point lower in the standings. It's time for a rebuild and if it takes an extra loss or two to get there, I am all hands on deck. Watching these two teams play, we know which one actually reigns superior, regardless of what the final standings say. Never Forget...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/02/william-mccollom_n_6407880.html
Huffington Post- A police chief in Georgia told a 911 dispatcher he accidentally shot his wife while moving a handgun that was in their bed, according to a recording released Friday.Peachtree City police Chief William McCollom called for help at 4:17 a.m. New Year's Day and reported accidentally shooting his 58-year-old wife, Margaret. The Associated Press obtained a recording of the call Friday through an open records request. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation is looking into the shooting. See, this is the reason. This is the reason I was skeptical about the happenings in Ferguson. I reason why I found the Eric Garner video so disturbing. You can tell me that cops are there to serve and protect all you want. I genuinely agree with that sentiment. I generally agree that the main motive behind becoming a police officer is to keep people safe. However, there is no IQ test necessary when becoming a police officer. There are cops out there that are just as goddamn stupid as the average American citizen, and that is scary as all hell. I'm not anti-cop, I'm anti-idiot. If being an officer of the law is such a prestigious job, then how did some guy that accidentally shot his wife twice, while in bed, get it? This is a guy that is in charge of an entire group of other police officers and he can't even go to sleep without nearly killing the person he is sworn by marriage to protect. This guy has to face criminal charges right? Even if it was an accident, he has to be charged with borderline inability to exist in society. You can take the lives of a couple black guys with criminal records, but once you start endangering white women is where America draws the line. I've seen 'Gone Girl'. Can't let a white women out of your sight for 20 minutes without being labeled a murderer, never mind shooting her in the back while she's sleeping and readily admitting it. Ain't fooling' me, Officer McCollum. There's not a woman named Margaret in history that wasn't a nagging bitch. 100% of people that married someone named Margaret have thought about shooting her in the back. That doesn't make it right though. Whether it was a slip of the finger or a momentary lapse in judgment, I think we are better off with this guy behind bars. P.S. "Having trouble breathing dear?". The rhetorical question to end all rhetorical questions. I have to imagine that if someone just shot me in the back while I was sleeping and had the gall to ask me that I would find the energy somewhere in my body to punch them directly in the face. May as well have hit her in the back of the head with a frying pan and asked if she would like some Advil. P.P.S. 0% surprised by the presence of a confederate flag in this picture... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/03/i-met-god-shes-black_n_6406928.html
HuffingtonPost- Dylan Chenfeld, a self-described Jewish atheist, is throwing his ideas into the mix. “I Met God, She’s Black,” Chenfield says in posters that he's allegedly pasted all over Manhattan during the past few days. The 21-year-old doesn’t claim to have invented the phrase, saying the trope has existed for quite some time. He's just the one who decided to put it on a $30 T-shirt. Self proclaimed, I am not a very religious person. I do believe in an afterlife, and it is for mostly selfish reasons. It's easier to go about my daily life thinking I have some eternal euphoria to look forward to, rather than thinking that if I get hit by a bus this afternoon I will spend eternity rotting in a box. My above average moral fiber and a skeptic belief in God keep my from strangling every asshole who cuts me off in traffic. It's just better to be safe than sorry. That's why this Jewish, Athiest better hope his beliefs are correct. I haven't talked to him, but I would imagine nothing pisses off God more than profiting off his supposed likeness. I don't know what he God looks like. Hell, he may very well look like Oprah. He's as likely to be a Puerto Rican midget as he is to look like Jared Leto. He may be a flaming transexual. That would certainly explain the anti-gay cover up in the Bible. That's why I don't have a problem with the message on the shirt. God can be whoever you want him to be. Whatever makes you sleep better at night. That's basically the entire point of religion anyway. Who is to say that any one religion is more conceivable than another? Really it is a crapshoot what happens after we pass. However, I do have a problem with the person peddling the shirt. Such disingenuous bullshit. This would be like running an AA meeting in a gymnasium next to the liquor store that you own. It's like selling real estate and crack on the same block. Sure, it could be a good decision financially, but it is as deceitful as it gets. You want to sell "There Is No God" shirts, have at it. Stay in your lane. You got to believe in something. There are people out there that believe that turtles are somehow a sacred animal, who am I to question religious beliefs. Furthermore, what the fuck is a Jewish-Athiest? That's not like saying I am a caucasian Christian. Jewish and atheist are two different religion based beliefs. Are you allowed to be bi-religious? Has society's openness to sexuality somehow rubbed off on religion as well? What the fuck does a Jewish-Athiest believe in? It is just a person that doesn't believe in any one God, but needs a psychological explanation for his huge nose? Someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife, but is really good with money? Maybe he is really just an Athiest that was tired of getting no presents around the holidays. If that's the case, light that menorah brotha. I can't imagine not having anything to look forward to during the holiday season. But he wasn’t expecting his products to become swept up into the #BlackLivesMatter movement. Haven't you done enough lying yet, Dylan? You didn't expect black people to scoop up shirts that depicted God as a black woman? During a time of racial tension? What was your main demographic? I can't imagine one group of people that would be inclined to buy this shirt other then black females. That's like wearing a shirt thats says "God Wears Blue" to an Eric Garner rally and claiming it references God being born as a boy. Don't tell me this kid was born Jewish but doesn't know a business opportunity when he sees one. $30 for a t-shirt? This guys better hope there is no God, because he's basically spitting in his face with those prices.
http://www.salon.com/2015/01/02/oregon_players_face_team_discipline_for_no_means_no_chant/
Salon- Several Oregon football players will face discipline for chanting “No means no,” following their Rose Bowl win versus Florida State University on Thursday. The players were identified by the Associated Press as “running back Kadi Benoit, linebacker Torrodney Prevot and a third player wearing a ‘WON NOT DONE’” shirt; wide receiver Chance Allen was also seen participating in the chant. The “No means no” chant — to the tune of the FSU fan chant — was apparently aimed at Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston, who was accused of rape in 2012. Oregon’s coach, Mike Helfrich said in a statement that the players would face team discipline. I know the Oregon coach based on looks and persona alone gives off the vibe of sort of a hard ass. Even so, I have to imagine he was holding back a laugh when asked about this incident. Unless he is completely void of a sense of humor, even he found this funny. Plus, after your team beats another team that hasn't lost in two years you pretty much except any way they choose to celebrate that victory, whether it be politically correct or not. Even if they decided to sacrifice small animals on the field of play, you sweep it under the rug and start preparation for next week. Almost a guarantee that his promise to 'discipline' the players responsible was nothing more than lip service. A little PR tactic to keep any media attention on the team positive. Laugh out loud funny when he says "we are aware of inappropriate behavior". He's aware of it because the players have been chanting in the locker room for the last month. That kind of ingenuity isn't spontaneously created while you have adrenaline coursing through your veins. That chant was as premeditated as it gets. Birthed through a confidence, almost cockiness, that they would beat Florida State handily. I guess the question in any of these situations is whether or not the pay off is worthy of the punishment. In this situation specifically, you can undoubtedly say it is. These guys are in the early running for viral video of the year just hours after the inception of 2015. What could this coach possibly do to punish these kids? Take away their meal plan for a day? Make them run sprints? Bench them for a series? Anything short of kicking them off the team or out of school is not enough to deter them from dropping an absolute gem of a chant to a nationwide audience moments after dismantling a historically successful team. That chant is too hilarious to go unheard. Another thing to keep in mind is the statue of limitations on rape jokes. In my opinion, that completely depends on how funny the joke is. Can't just drop any run of the mill reference to rape allegations a year or two after they have taken place and garner a laugh. However, when you beat a team by 40 in the first college football playoff game ever, and you are able to incorporate an anti-rape slogan into possibly the most infamous rallying cry in college sports, you defy any time limitation. The fact that it's actually catchy only adds insult to injury. For the foreseeable future I will automatically insert 'no means no' into the Florida State chant. For the simple minded like myself, that is a joke that will stand both the test of time and social acceptance.
Just the most perfect vine you could possibly imagine to describe the first ever college football playoff game in history. Yeah, this game was much more than Jameis Winston shitting himself after evading a half dozen Oregon defenders. However, if I had to give a 6 second clip to describe this game as a whole this would be it. Men versus boys in almost every facet of the game.
I was in the majority that said there was no way you could leave out Florida State after a second straight undefeated season. I don't care who they beat, or how they beat them. 29 straight wins is 29 straight wins. To leave out a team that hasn't lost since 2012 would set an awful precedent, but those that were skeptical certainly look justified now. I can't imagine TCU or Baylor putting forth that disastrous of a performance had they snuck their way in to the final four. No doubt that Florida State was one of the best teams in the nation, but I would have an extremely hard time arguing they are one of the best four. Especially after today's performance, alongside the myriad of unimpressive wins this season. Go figure, we finally get a playoff system and it reveals more questions than answers. You got to think that if you gave Florida State the option of going back and being the only undefeated team in a Big 5 conference to not make the four team playoff that they would take it in a heartbeat right now. Yes, it's definitely revisionist history. Still, I would rather face the disrespect from the playoff committee and think about what might have been, then lose by nearly 6 touchdowns on national television and learn first hand. Sure, the first half was close, but the second half was a drubbing. 59 points and the potential for much, much more. Florida State receivers and running backs tossing away fumbles like they were playing Santa in a Christmas parade. Their defense getting left in the dust by second stringers halfway through the fourth quarter. The entire team quitting during the game and walking off without shaking hands after the game. No doubt that making the first playoff is an accomplishment. It's much less of an accomplishment when the game is such an embarrassment that it erases the memory of your previously undefeated season. Does that loss hold more historical importance than the Seminoles 29 previous wins? It's certainly not uncharted territory to win 29 straight. Impressive? Yes. But USC and Miami both accomplished longer streaks a little over a decade ago. Florida State's streak is only tied for 13th on the list of longest Division 1 college football winning streaks. Now they are not only the first team to play in a college football playoff game, they are also the first team to lose by damn near 40 points in such a game. No matter what happens during the history of college football playoff games, Florida State will always be a part of the debacle that occurred in the inaugural one. I think it is fair to say that all the bad karma that Jameis Winston has built up over the last two years all came back to bite him in the ass in one afternoon. He's been dodging his fate through rape allegations, theft, plus a cornucopia of other off the field transgressions. If Jameis Winston was in the 'Final Destination' series it would take 5 more sequels to eventually kill him off. More impressive than the 29 wins in a row is Jameis' ability to avoid any tangible repercussions for his actions. He has been dodging the reaper unlike anyone else in recent history. Everyone thought he had sold his soul to the devil when in reality he just dodged his deadly touch until today. Yeah, all he did was lose a game, but what a game it was. Winston is now the star (in a bad way) of a plethora of vines and GIFs. He certainly didn't answer any questions about his draft status. In all likelihood he just added a whole new dimension to the concerns of NFL executives. I'm not saying it's bad to be Jameis Winston. I think everyone would trade places in a heartbeat. However, it's definitely worse to be Jameis tomorrow than it was yesterday. If I thought Jameis was smart enough to have feelings, these would probably hurt…
— Rob Perez (@World_Wide_Wob) January 2, 2015
FATALITY.
P.S. Not sure which member of the Oregon football team came up with that chant, but I need to buy him a beer ASAP. I hope he doesn't tear his rotator cuff patting himself on the back. He deserves each and every single one of them. He's arguably the MVP of the night despite what happened on the field.
http://www.vice.com/read/this-guy-sprayed-a-homeless-person-with-a-hose-on-christmas-eve-and-wants-it-to-go-viral-991?utm_source=vicefbus
Vice- Some guy calling himself "Dollar BIllions" made a video this week called "How to Get a Crackhead off Your Motherfuckin' Front Porch." In it, an apparently hallucinating woman who wants to buy drugs, gets sprayed with a garden hose on a 57 degree Christmas Eve morning. I'm not saying I have a problem with spraying a homeless person with a hose after they encroach on your property. I don't care if it is 57 degrees or -57 degrees. Chances are if your are hallucinating you are going to need a wake-up call. Fair to say that gushing freezing water in your face falls under the category of a reality check. If you don't want your only outfit to get ruined on Christmas Eve you simply have to be better at being a homeless person. Taking a bunch of LSD and wandering the streets on Christmas Eve morning is reckless behavior for anyone. From homeless people on up to CEO's. You start walking into stranger's backyards you are lucky if you walk away only needing the use of someone's dryer. I am saying that this guy (appropriately named 'Dollar Billions' because he has the exact opposite of a billion dollars) probably has just as much to live for as the crackhead invading his yard. Christmas Eve is generally a time when most people are busy. Whether it be wrapping presents, buying presents (if your'e any asshole like me), or getting plans together to see family. Not for 'Dollar Billions'. He spends his Christmas Eve morning rolling blunts, and devising plans to torture homeless people while going viral in the process. You can do whatever you wish to get a 'mothafuckin crackhead off your front porch'. Most of the time I would sympathize with the homeowner. However, this guy apparently let this woman stay there all night . If you knowingly have a homeless person on your property for hours, while you mastermind the fastest way to spread your gap toothed grin throughout the inter webs, I start to side with the homeless person. Who's been doing more pan handling? The woman that literally lives on the street and has to depend on other's for drug money, or 'Dollar Billions' begging for attention and viral video status. Since we are clearly going the steps route; Step 1 for getting your video viral is not talking about your video going viral. Step 2 is to make sure it goes viral for the right reasons. When you have a large majority of people siding with a drugged up street dweller you are doing it wrong.
P.S. Possibly the most hood rich outfit in history. No hate on that front.
P.P.S. Still rather be the guy doing my drugs with a roof over my head and a jacket on my back. |
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