Bill O'Brien Is An Evil Genius: Has A Swear Jar That Will Go To Charity After The Completion Of 'Hard Knocks'
The Sporting News- Texans coach Bill O'Brien has become a celebrity on HBO's "Hard Knocks," partly for his love of Rick Ross and partly due to how much he curses.
O'Brien's cursing has reached crazy levels, but it will be going to good use. The coach revealed Tuesday he has a swear jar and will be donating the money collected to charity.
Damn you Bill O'Brien. With every passing episode of 'Hard Knocks' I find myself trying harder and harder to forget that you have a past affiliation with Pedophilia U (The Happiest Of Valleys). Couldn't you have been employed by literally any other university? Oh well, at least your stay as Head Coach was short and your absence created the void for the biggest douchebag of all time. Without you leaving to coach the Texans I wouldn't have the pleasure of rooting for the premature death of the biggest sack of shit in all of college football. I can consider that a win. It's not fun to adamantly pray for a nice guy to have a stroke on the sidelines. I would much rather show up wearing all red and a foam finger to James Franklin's funeral anyway.
Regardless, this move is the move of a mastermind. At this point we should all realize that inappropriate language (whatever that is) is part of being a football coach. We have seen it for years on 'Hard Knocks' and this season is no different. Yet, there are still some people that find themselves offended when an NFL head coach, that is teaching men to play the most violent of games, says 'fuck' and 'shit' more than a Tourette's patient after one too may cappuccinos. It's really mind boggling actually. However, the best way to turn that around? Offer money up to charity every time your blasphemous (awesome) vocabulary gets the best of you. Ha! What do you have to say now critics? Do you get mad and cover your kids ears when Bill O'Brien drops enough curses to fill a VooDoo manual, or do you start counting the dollars that he'll be putting towards a good cause? Rock meet hard place, try not to crush these sensitive little twats bickering between you.
I'm honesty just mad at myself for not thinking of this first. Well, actually I'm mad at myself for not having a multimillion dollar salary so I could afford to think of this first, but that's neither here nor there. Can you imagine? The possibilities are endless! Just running up in churches making it rain onto the donation plate while I spout off enough "god-damns" to send a nun into a cardiac arrest. Bursting through the door at an elementary school with a truck load of toys just to teach the children the correct pronunciation (they always under emphasize the 'U') and etymology of the word "cunt". Funding entire libraries after making sure no one can read a single thing during my hour long, expletive-laced tirade. It's fantastic, it's diabolical, and the best part? It actually comes off as selfless! There's so many rich, greedy assholes that never give back to the community that the community will be forced to embrace a person that uses his money for good and his mouth for assault. If I was making seven figures a year I would have a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck. Just confusing my neighbors by letting "fucks" and $50's simultaneously fly into their yard. Let's be honest, profanity doesn't make you a bad person. Hell, if Bill Cosby is any indication then obscenities actually keep you from becoming a reprehensible person. Just look at the Catholic church. An alter boy can't use the Lord's name in vein, but he can take a priest's veiny cock in his mouth. What kind of precedent does that set? Everyone has their own vices, and all things considered, a potty mouth is a pretty mild one. Especially if you reimburse people with the only thing that is sure to cure everyone's outrage, money.