Clippers Get Shark Tanked: DeAndre Jordan Signs With Mavericks

Alternative titles for this blog...

- Is DeAndre Jordan A Self Loathing Loser?
- Set To Air In 2017- 'Where Are They Now? The DeAndre Jordan Story'
- FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK

And, in the spirit of the holiday of course...

- Is DeAndre Jordan An Anti Semitic, UnAmerican Asshole?

Live look at Clipper Nation...

So yeah, uhhh, that's a hell of a way to kick off the holiday weekend. Thanks DJ, I totally needed a reason to drink MORE beer tonight and tomorrow. In fact, don't be surprised when I put that contract to work, because the bill for getting my stomach pumped is being shipped directly to Dallas, Texas. 

This may be one of the dumbest decisions ever made in NBA free agency history. Let's forget for a second that it totally FUCKS the Clippers and leaves them with the size and depth of an Asian penis. DeAndre Jordan basically just went from being the center, and a centerpiece, of a potential championship contender to being, well, pretty much the more athletic version of Tyson Chandler. I don't want to rag on DJ too much because his defense and rebounding are a product of his own hard work and perseverance. His offense, and I mean ALL of it, can be directly attributed to Chris Paul. JJ Barea couldn't pass for tall enough to get on the rides at Disney Land. Raymond Felton couldn't pass a roadside sobriety test. But don't worry DeAndre, I'm sure you will be alright. Chandler Parsons injury and Dirk Nowitzki's age should really give you a chance to show off all that  'offensive potential' the Clippers have been intentionally 'stunting' all these years. Thank God you finally got away from that jerk CP3. I'm sure you will get along swimmingly with Rick Carlisle, ya know, the guy that just caused Rajon Rondo to basically quit basketball in the middle of the playoffs.  He's a real easy going guy. Probably doesn't even care about free throw percentages.

Listen, I will never begrudge a player for going to play near their home. However, CHOOSING to play in Dallas over Southern California when the latter would have been far closer to raising a championship trophy is borderline lunacy. Can I get a toxicology report? What the fuck is Mark Cuban putting in the Kool-Aid over there? A cuban hasn't fucked his peers so hard since the reign of Fidel Castro. 

Hey, at least this means Austin Rivers will be back. That's a positive for a couple reasons. First of all, because people seem to forget he helped win some playoff games and became a great backup to both guard positions. It's also good, because I was getting pretty worried for his mental health for a second. Rivers was basically running around town yelling to anyone that would listen that he had to do what was best for him. He was like the girl that threatens to leave her boyfriend and the boyfriend just says "well, make sure you leave the key on the counter on the way out". I almost made the analogy that he was like the kid that always threatens to run away from his parents, and then I realized that's literally EXACTLY what he was doing. 

Oh well, what's done is done. This is a big setback, but it's still a team that has arguably the best point guard in the league, and an emerging superstar in Blake Griffin. The road to a championship just got a lot harder, but it didn't become impossible. Get to work Doc. Time to show you deserve that GM title.