Dallas Stars Post List Of All Time Greatest Rangers, None Of The New York Variety Make The Cut, and Rightfully So
SI- If you can't read the list, it says the following:
1. Aragorn, Son of Arathorn
2. Kimberly, The Pink Ranger
3. Nolan Ryan
4. Night Ranger
5. Chip & Dale, Rescue Rangers
Can't argue this. Not a single New York Ranger in their long, "storied" (I suppose something can still be a story even if 98.8% of the chapters are brutal) history can possibly steal a spot above these 5, 6 with respect to Chip & Dale's individuality, famous Rangers.
-Aragorn. The leader of the fellowship of the 'Ring'. The fact that Aragorn is even familiar with what a ring looks like or represents means he is already light years beyond 99.9% of Rangers both past and present. Aragorn, along with Gandolf, were Rangers of the North and laid guard to middle Earth where the Hobbits resided. Have you ever seen a New York Ranger defend anything? Why do you think Henrik Lundqvist ends every season with this head hung low and his defensemen's dicks in their hands. Even in their most successful season in the last 20 years, The LA Kings made the Rangers defense look as protective as crotchless panties. Aragorn would have had the best plus-minus of the bunch, and it wouldn't have been close.
-Kimberly? Do we really have to waste our time? The pink Power Ranger? The smokeshow that led to the fire in my loins? The 14 out of 10? The fiery little vixen that is more than likely responsible for the first wet dream of every male in his late 20's/early 30's. The York Rangers could definitely fuck up a wet dream, but you can forget about causing one. You find one red blooded, American, Rangers fan that would take any of their rostered players ever over Kimberly and I will show you the closet they call home.
-Nolan Ryan. The only thing a New York Ranger has thrown up and away faster than Nolan Ryan is their career by signing to play in The World's Most Famous Rat Trap. Quick question, what lasted longer, Nolan Ryan's seven no-hitter's or Brad Richard's career in New York? Eric Lindros? Pavel Bure? Chris Drury? Bobby Holik? Thank God Gaborik got out of their in time to salvage his career. It is widely accepted that Nolan Ryan is one of the greatest pitchers of all time. It is also widely accepted that anyone to don the snooze-worthy diagonal logo of the New York Rangers is far more of a catcher. Great pitchers are more important than great catchers 100% of the time.
-Night Ranger. 10 million albums sold? A decade of chart dominance? When is the last time the New York Rangers dominated anything. Even the playoff series they mistakenly win usually go 7 games. Henrik Lundqvist has lost years of his life trying to cover the missteps of the paltry team in front of him. The fact that Night Ranger had to remind people "Don't Tell Me You Love Me" is enough to show they are far more lovable than any of Glen Sather's underachieving, overpaid athletes. I bet when Night Ranger had sold out shows there wasn't a sea of empty purple seats visible from across the river.
-Chip & Dale. I mean…even explaining this one brings more credence to it than it deserves. Did Chip & Dale ever fail at anything? Show me one episode where they failed to accomplish the mission at hand. The only time Chip & Dale ever failed was when they let their name get dragged through the mud by a bunch of cock slinging dick jockeys. Something tells me that was beyond their control. If they changed the name of the show to 'Rick Nash and Dan Girardi: Rescue Rangers' it would turn into a horror cartoon. Every kid would go to bed in tears cause their Rescue Rangers couldn't pull through in show's final minutes. Shit, Rick Nash couldn't save a cat from a tree if someone was shining a news camera on him. The guy is about as useful under the bright lights as someone with a degenerative eye disease. If Rick Nash tried to save a drowning child he would probably knock himself unconscious diving into the shallow end.
I commend the Dallas Stars. It is true. As society regresses we are far more impressed with lists, and this one is spot on in regards to the greatest Rangers of all time. Credit is due where credit is due. To be a Ranger one must be capable of heroics, and those of the New York variety are far more schooled in the art of failure.