NJ.com- Ivan Tukhtin encountered something rather unusual early Monday morning on his way home from Hoboken.
The 24-year-old was driving on the Newark Bay Extension of the New Jersey Turnpike in Jersey City just after midnight, when he noticed two orange traffic cones blocking both lanes and a car pulled over on the shoulder.
This scenario looks vaguely familiar. Oh yeah, that's right, it's the opening scene of every 'Criminal Minds' ever made. Listen, I consider myself somewhat of a good samaritan. I'll hold the door open. Help an old lady cross the street. Grab a cat from a tree. However, when it comes to the roadways, it's every man for himself. The only chance this guy would have of me stopping is if he was engulfed in flames. Even then I would probably just tell him to stop, drop, and roll. Your car, your problem. Especially when you look like you are trying to recreate 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'.
I am sure there are some people out there, the vast minority, that would have stopped to help this guy. To them I say, pay it forward my ass. This ain't a movie dawg. Shit, even if it is, it certainly doesn't have a happy ending. As much of an aspiring actor as I am, I'll pass on the lead role in the live screening of 'Saw VII'. Risk versus reward. Best case scenario you stop and keep the guy company while he waits for someone that can actually help. Pretty sure the guy that carries his own traffic cones knows way more about vehicle maintenance than I do. You're in Jersey dude. We can barely fill our own gas tanks, never mind revive your whip. Worst, and more likely, case they find one of your body parts in every county. Fuck this guy everyday and twice on Sunday. Last thing I need to cap off my 12 hour 'brunch' is an ass pillaging. Even if there was a road hazard ahead, I would rather drive into the world's biggest sinkhole than take my chances with the Grim Reaper of the turnpike.
Let's say this guy had all the good intentions in the world. Yeah, it's beyond a stretch, but for argument's sake. He certainly did this best to make himself look like a serial killer. This might have actually been filmed for television, that's how good he played the psychopath killer role. The slow walk into the street. The slow turn back to the front of the car. Hoodie up, hands in pockets. I am shocked this kid waited as long as he did. I said "aww fuck no, DRIVE!!!" out loud the first time I watched this. I would have sped up on sight and took out every ounce of those cones. That really begs the question, if this guy really wanted people to stop, why didn't he have like 6 cones. I've maneuvered past more properly orchestrated road blocks when the cops were guarding them. If you're going to go full blown Jason Voorhees at least commit to it.
P.S. There's a special place in hell for whoever made these memes. I mean, I still laughed, but at least I didn't think of them….