D'Backs Reliever (No Pun Intended) Archie Bradley Admitted To Soiling Himself Right Before Entering A Game This Season
YahooSports- Bradley, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ace reliever, is the guest on this week’s Yahoo Sports MLB Podcast, and a perfectly entertaining chat with our own Tim Brown took a hilarious turn when Bradley talks about Adrian Houser, the Milwaukee Brewers pitcher who recently barfed on the field. As it turns out, Houser used to live with Bradley. As it further turns out, Houser’s hurl might not be the grossest thing that happened on an MLB field this season....
“I’ll just tell it. It was actually this year. I was warming up to go in a game. I knew I had the next hitter. I knew he was on deck. The at-bat was kinda taking a little bit, and as a bullpen guy in these big situations, I call ’em nervous pees. I don’t have to pee a lot, but I know I have to pee before I go in the game. I can’t believe I’m telling you this.
It’s a 2-2 count, and I’m like, ‘Man, I have to pee. I have to go pee.’ So I run in our bathroom real quick, I’m ready to go. I’m trying to pee and I actually (expletive) my pants. Like, right before I’m about to go in the game, I pooped my pants. I’m like ‘Oh my gosh,’ like I know I’m a pitch away from going in the game, so I’m scrambling to clean myself up. I get it cleaned up the best I can, button my pants up, and our bullpen coach Mike Fetters says, ‘Hey, you’re in the game.’
“So I’m jogging into the game to pitch with poop in my pants essentially… I did check the mirror. White pants, we’re at home. I actually told my teammates. I stepped out of the bathroom, ‘Hey, am I OK? I just (expletive) myself. I’m about to go in this game.’ They didn’t believe me until they, unfortunately, saw the mess in the bathroom because I didn’t have time. I had to go in the game.
“It was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been on the mound. And I actually had a good inning. I had a clean inning, and I walked in the dugout and I was like, ‘Guys, I just (expletive) myself.’ They didn’t believe me, and then the bullpen came in and they’re like ‘Oh my god, you have to see this.’ … I just felt awkward, uncomfortable and just gross.”
I know this is a weird thing to say about someone who came clean about dirtying his drawers, but I'm a tad bit skeptical as to the extent of Archie Bradley's fecal failure. Lying that you did, in fact, crap yourself in public as a grown ass man wouldn't make much sense. However, is it at all possible that this is being selflessly exaggerated to make us further forget that his former teammate/roommate was unable to keep his lunch down while standing on the mound? Like, maybe he took "hey look, Ernie pees pants too!" and decided to drop a mean deuce on the entire premise as a deflection? After all, Adrian Houser's recent mishap was the only reason the topic of uncontrollable bodily functions came up in the first place...
To be clear, I'm sure this story is mostly true. I'm also sure that you don't completely crap yourself in tight white pants, desperately hurry to clean it up, walk out in front of tens of thousands of people, perform athletically in a pressure situation, and get to tell that tale on your own accord at a later date. The way this breach of bathroom etiquette was being described, it sounds like Archie Bradley would have needed to have pull-ups on underneath his compression shorts to avoid immediate staining. Therefore, I think were actually looking at more of a timely attended to shart situation. It's hilarious and embarrassing either way, but people that have actually lost control of their bowels in public might not appreciate the implication that an active professional athlete truly knows what it's like to step into their undeniably soiled slacks as they try to waddle into a safe place without being seen.