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Two Minutes, Well Worth It

Ezekiel Elliott's 6-Game Suspension Has Been Upheld, Annnnd He's Also Playing On Sunday

9/6/2017

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Official word that Zeke Elliott’s 6-game suspension was upheld came with 5-10 minutes to go in the court hearing tonight.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 6, 2017

Tom reports from just outside the hearing. Elliott is on the field this week. https://t.co/yjZetFFj4r

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 6, 2017

To sum it up: Zeke Elliott plays Sunday. Could get a restraining order to stay in the field this season. Could not get it and sit Weeks 2-7.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 6, 2017

Further explanation of why Ezekiel Elliott will play Week One: pic.twitter.com/RfndmKgAnv

— Brian McCarthy (@NFLprguy) September 6, 2017

God bless the NFL. Sure, they botch just about each and every situation in which they dole out discipline, but this incredibly untimely upholding of their version of justice is proof positive that even the most devout procrastinator is capable of running a multi-billion dollar business! If Roger Goodell has anything to do with it then you can be sure that it can be used as evidence by your parents to prove that they weren't just blowing smoke up your ass when they told you that you could be anything you wanted to be. 

For instance, ever get upset with yourself for setting deadline with every intention of sticking to it only to look a the calendar to find out that deadline rapidly approached quicker than you could have possibly imagined? No need hang your head! The NFL is doing just fine and they started an investigation into domestic violence well over a year ago only to find themselves unable of keeping the person who is alleged guilty of it off the field an entire season later!

I'm not going to get into all the legal mumbo jumbo responsible for a news break that's as oxymoronic as "Ezekiel Elliott's 6-game suspension has been upheld and he's playing in 5 days", because the NFL should have planned for all the legal mumbo jumbo with how untrustworthy they've proven to be in the past. It's no surprise that they didn't and that this was basically destined to drag out well into the season, but I don't find that lack of promptness anywhere near as disturbing as most people. As someone that is habitually late despite my best efforts and also hopes to one day make 40 million dollars a year at a job that I stink at and can't be fired from, I actually find it pretty refreshing. 

​Plus, listening to Giants' fans narcissistically bitch and moan that a belated domestic violence ruling is somehow a conspiracy aimed at screwing over their team's chances in one single game is objectively hilarious. 
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