Former 49ers President, Carmen Policy, Thinks The Team Will Need Lube For Jimmy Garoppolo's Contract Negotiations
NYDN- Carmen Policy, the former president and CEO of the 49ers, appeared on 95.7 The Game in San Francisco Thursday when he offered strange advice to his former franchise on keeping free agent quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.
"If I were representing the team I would enter the room and bring a large jar of Vaseline and I'd say to Jimmy's agent, 'I'm a nice guy, I really want to do the right thing, please be gentle with me,'" Policy said.
Pro Football Talk asked Policy about his comments to which he said he didn't mean for them to sound sexual.
"At my age any references would be related to Male Medical Exams and would have no sexual connotation," Policy told PFT in an email.
I can't say I woke up this morning expecting to hear about a 74 year old former NFL executive who was tasked with talking his way out of an analogous insinuation of the type of reluctantly consensual anal sex that you'd expect from a first time negotiator, but boy am I glad that I did. Anytime your defense essentially reads as "what I really meant to say is that an NFL franchise is going to given a contractual colonoscopy by the representation of their starting quarterback!", your actual offense is almost guaranteed to be amazingly awkward.
As anyone whose more weathered branches of the family tree are still hanging on by a limb will tell you, the longer an elderly (usually white) male goes without sex, the more likely he is to reference it in a way that will stifle the appetite of even the most gluttonous of dinner table. If anything, Carmen Policy's impotence makes him the exact opposite of exempt from potentially inappropriate innuendo in public. So no, I don't - for one single second - believe that he was talking about prostate exams when he satirically placed the most sexualized of product in the front office of the 49ers. Luckily, I have a sense of humor so I find hilarious the idea of Jimmy Garoppolo bending over the organization whose entire trajectory swung with his arrival and giving them the business end of...well...ya know.
For those that can't find the funny in an old man comparing the leveraging of power to the easing of penetration, I offer you this piece of mind. Considering the depths to which the San Francisco 49ers fell the last few seasons, they will gladly be spreading wide their wallet to take it deep from Jimmy GQ. It might take awhile for both parties to reach a mutually gratifying position, but with the wheels undoubtedly needing some greasing, why not bring some lube?