Dear Abby, I Am 4 Years in to A Loveless Marriage with Gary Nova

What the fuck is going on in this picture? I watched it happen live last night and I honestly still can't explain it, but let me try my best. This picture was taken after Gary FUCKING Nova had thrown 4 interceptions and somehow, SOMEHOW, still not thrown the game away completely. To be honest, it looks like he's shooting a fadeaway jumpshot. A one legged, fadeaway pass surrounded by 3 defenders. Not a recipe for success. The odds go down drastically when it occurs 7 fucking yards past the line of scrimmage. Passing the ball past the line of scrimmage is so goddamn stupid that they won't even let you attempt it in video games. They figure why waste a button on the controller when no one would be dumb enough to use it. Essentially I am saying that an 8 year kid playing Madden is smarter than Gary Nova. At the very least has better decision making skills. Even the Rutgers radio announcers were speechless after the play. People who are paid to make comments on everything didn't know how to explain the irrationality of the play.

Today, I am a woman scorned. A battered wife, if you will. Like most young adults, I have been in bad relationships before. However, none of them, on my laundry list of bad decisions, come close to the 4 year on again-off again relationship I have shared with Gary Nova. Textbook terrible relationship. We all know how it goes. The person has some redeeming qualities, but generally the cons outweigh the pros. Something about them makes you stay, although you know you shouldn't and it is just a matter of time before they break your heart. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". What that saying doesn't answer is what if you fool me 37 times? That's the point I have gotten to. Watching Nova run 3 miles past the line of scrimmage then launching a pass to no one was the equivalent of walking in on a significant other who you are skeptical of. You're pretty sure it is gonna happen at some point, but it's always surprisingly painful when it does.

People claim that you can't know what it is like to be in an abusive relationship unless you have been in one. I completely agree. Everyone is making a big deal about the Ray Rice situation while I am here getting my heart spit on by Gary Nova. I would much rather be Janay Rice than me today. I would take Gary Nova knocking me unconscious in an elevator 100 times out of 100 rather than watch him play quarterback in a big spot. Wouldn't even think twice about it. Give me physical pain over emotional pain every day and twice on Saturday's. This isn't the last time I am going to have to endure it either. Clearly Gary Nova has naked pictures of Rutgers Coach Kyle Flood. It's either that or every backup quarterback is color blind. It is a minor miracle that someone as consistently inconsistent as Gary Nova has started at quarterback for the better part of 4 years at the D1 NCAA level. Truthfully, it feels like its been a decade, and the results have probably taken a solid decade off my lifespan. 

I graduated college 5 years ago, and I have senioritis. I need this year to end. I need Gary to move on to better things. Or just different things, for that matter. I hope Gary disappears into the wind never to be seen again. It's like when you delete your ex from Facebook or Instagram. You just want to forget their existence and never have those all too familiar feelings again if you happen to pass them on the street. If Gary Nova disappeared tomorrow there might be 3 people in the world that would actually be out looking for him. And I can say with 98.5% certainty that none of those people would be from the Rutgers football team. On second thought, every single defensive back on opposing Big Ten teams would probably be out looking for him. Gary Nova is the human embodiment of herpes. He is always there. Sometimes he's not that bad, but when he is you are always surprised at how awful he can be.

Rutgers recruiting should be chocked full of quarterbacks. The man that follows Gary as the starting quarterback of this team is going to have the easiest job in the world. The bar is so low. If he is a mediocre game manager Rutgers fans everywhere will be verbally sucking his cock at every turn. Hayden Rettig, transfer from LSU, is able to play next year. I have already convinced myself that he is the next Joe Montana. It helps me to keep from crying during bleak moments like Saturday night. He doesn't have to be though. All he has to do is not throw 5 fucking interceptions in a big game. I am convinced that I could do that. I probably also wouldn't have more than 5 completions, but I sure as hell wouldn't have 5 picks. To speak to that point, If Gary Nova completed one more pass on 3rd and 6 with 3 minutes left I am writing a blog about how Gary Nova is a hero. That's not even a joke. The bar is so low that I would be bowing before the feet of a quarterback with 4 picks who just happened to win the game by blind, dumb luck.


One day removed it is hard for me to say what is a stronger emotion. My hatred of Gary Nova or my empathy for every other rostered player on Rutgers. Everyone else battled their ass off last night. The widely criticized defense had 5 sacks and held a great quarterback to 6 points through 59 minutes of play. Make no mistake, Rutgers' quarterback play is the sole reason they lost that game, and every other player deserved to be celebrating a win into the wee hours of the morning last night. Instead, they had to be in the same locker room as a player responsible for a loss in the biggest game of their careers….while I was outside pounding depression beers. 

Sidenote: I came to the realization last night that there is only one outcome of my teams' sporting events that doesn't make me want to get bombed. That's a tie. If my team wins a game it's supposed to win, I want to celebrate. If my team loses a game it's supposed to win I want to drink until I don't feel feelings, and my team is always supposed to win. That's a fact. Also, absolutely nothing gratifying about loser beers. It's like pre gaming freshman year of college, except it takes longer and you always regret it the day after.

People that know me know that I have gone above and beyond in my support of Nova this offseason. Unfortunately, the "Come On Gary"/COG campaign has come to an end. I can't, in my heart of hearts, do it anymore. I can't be biased for him anymore. I can't be leading ironic campaigns supporting him anymore simply because I know for better or worse he is the quarterback. I just have to stomach the rest of the season, continue to root for Rutgers, and hope the remaining days of Gary go by quicker than expected.

Honestly, watching Penn State walk out of High Point Solutions Stadium with a win, on what could have been a magical night, didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. Sad?  Yeah. Depressing? Sure. But not nearly as devastating as I would have imagined. Rutgers led 10-0 at halftime and I had a knot the size of Nova's interception numbers in my stomach. Why? Because every true Rutgers fan seen this before. We have been in the big games, wondering if Nova can come through. Different movie, different plot, same ending. Gary Nova is to big football games what Seth Rogan is to comedies, and generally both result in self depreciating hilarity. I liken last night's experience to watching a car drive the wrong way down the highway. It was thrilling, but it was inevitably going to end tragically. 

It's these moments in life when I realize that, first of all, I am absolutely an irrational sports fan. I care wayyyy too much about the outcome of something I am not personally involved in. Second of all, I don't have any suicidal tendencies. If I had one ounce of suicidal in my blood I would have dove into a swimming pool full of razorblades last night. It's not hard to figure out why it has been awhile since I have been in a serious relationship. It is impossible to maintain a relationship while simultaneously having Gary Nova as your quarterback*. No shoulders should have to endure the brunt of that emotional workload. 


*worst excuse ever

Don't fucking look at me like that. Crocodile tears.