He Might Want To Get A Second Opinion, But I Am Pretty Sure That Lance Stephenson Broke His Dick

Clippers said Lance Stephenson (pubic bone inflammation) came out of practice ok but his game status won't be known until after shootaround.

— Ben Bolch (@latbbolch) October 1, 2015

It may sound funny, but Clippers say pubic bone inflammation is similar to shin splints.

— Ben Bolch (@latbbolch) October 1, 2015

The Big Lead- Lance Stephenson was acquired by the Clippers this offseason in the hopes that he’ll be a rabble rouser (or, at least he hopes that). Here’s a description of his injury:

Osteitis Pubis has previously been thought to be an inflammation of the joint where the pubic bones meets at the front. This is now thought not to be the case as investigations have shown no inflammation to be present. For this reason, as ‘itis’ refers to inflammation, it is now more accurately known as Pubic Bone Stress Injury. Pain can radiate around the groin but will be significant at the point in the middle of the groin at the front. It is caused mainly by overuse (one of my clients with this one used to run up hills with big bags of coal on his shoulders), or it can be caused as a result of direct impact.

Hey, I'm no doctor or anything, but "pubic bone inflammation" sounds a lot like a broke dick. Actually if we are being completely honest it sounds like the most elaborate, scientific way possible to describe a boner, but I doubt that Lance Stephenson is sitting out with a stiffy. The whole comparison to shin splints isn't helping me get a better grasp of this either. Does that just mean that Lance is packing a third leg in his boxer briefs and it's a extremely sore from overuse? Goddamn it Lance, can't you just take one day a week off from fucking? We have basketball games to win! So many questions, so little answers. How long does it take to recover from a broke dick? Can you play through a broke dick? Does a broke dick limit mobility? Will icing a broke dick before and after physical activity give Lance Stephenson a better chance of starting the season on the active roster? I would look on WebMD, but Lord knows that more than 6 seconds on that site will have me thinking that I have a broke dick too.

I'm trying to get through this blog as fast as I can because my instant reaction to hearing this news was to place both my hands firmly over my genitals. I feel your pain Lance. Well, not really, but that's just something people say when they feel so bad for you that they can't think of anything else to say. I guess without much of a timetable for return, from some random disease/disorder that no one has ever heard of, the only thing we can do is pray for Lance's dick. Not only because knowing another man has dick pain makes us all feel groinal discomfort, but because the Clippers are going to need that hog at 100% for when they slap the rest of the NBA across the face with it.