So the Billboard Music Awards happen to be on in the background, and boy was I lucky enough to catch 'Best Rap Song'. Let me tell you it was just as riveting as I could have possibly imagined....for allllll the wrong reasons. Three songs by woman? Two of which are by a white woman? Jesus christ, it's the fucking apocalypse. I swear this is a sign that in a decade the WNBA will be more popular than the NBA, Manish Patel will be the NHL's MVP, and white people will be managing the most successful Chinese food places in town. Is nothing sacred anymore? 'Fancy' is a rap song in the same way that '10 Crack Commandments' was an uplifting spiritual song. Iggy Azalea is a rapper in the same way that Big Pun was a philanthropist. She's as much a part of hip hop as Tupac was a part of the Republican party. If Big L had enough of a pulse to roll himself over in his grave he would take the pistol out of his waistband and quiet this crowd faster than a Paul Walker montage. I swear to god if 'Fancy' is the pinnacle of the profession then the profession needs to be smothered with a pillow doused in Kerosene and lit on fire. Next year just call it the 'Where Hip Hop Used To Be Place Holder Award'. The winner of the best rap song is about to perform with Britney Spears, and we are wondering why are wondering why black people just set Baltimore on fire.
I don't even want to make it seem like I am piling on the ladies here. I swear I'm not. If Iggy Azalea was a dude I would criticize her just the same. You want proof? For as bad as the female nominees were, the male nominees were just as embarrassing. Hmm, some 4'6, 100 pound dude named 'Big Sean' that just got his bitch ass dumped by some barely legal pop star? That's about as gangsta as being the catcher in prison. Bobby Shmurda? Some dude whose song 'Hot Boy' is the namesake of the one of the best hip hop groups to bless the hip hop industry? Really did them proud with that one Shmurda. I feel like I am one slip of the tongue from the world's worst nursery rhythm with that fucking name. Bobby Schmurda makes Dr. Suess look like fucking Run DMC. The most prestigious thing about this category is Nicki Minaj's ass.
Do we realize that one of the best rappers in that building is now an actor that is hosting and pandering to the crowd with some model who looks like her favorite hobby is facial reconstruction? Do we realize another one of the best rappers in the building is singing about a white actor that died like a year ago because he drove like an asshole? In the old days rappers would get killed in cold blood and their homies would pour out some malt liquor and forgot the deceased name by the following Tuesday. Not got on stage looking like ET in skinny jeans wearing a brand of boxers made famous by a known racist. Jesus Christ, thank God for iPhone and music libraries. I can't believe the most hood part of these awards is when Kanye comes out in a leather skirt. What have we done to this culture? Moment of silence for hip hop...