Hold On To Your Hats Folks, The New Jersey Devils Finally Slaughtered A Bad Hockey Team

There it is! I'll tell you, I was starting to think it wasn't going to happen. The possibility of never being able to blow out a terrible team was beginning to feel all too real. Rangers? Overrated. Blackhawks? Dethroned. Canadiens? Border patrolled. When this Devils team has had a challenge thrown at them they have knocked it out the park nearly every single time. It's when Scuffy fuckin' McGee is lobbing them floater pitches that they always seem to whiff completely on golden opportunities. I guess old Hynesy slipped some game tape from last year into the film room, because this team played like they had seen the ghost of season's past. FIVE goals?! Including tallies from Jacob Josefson AND Stephen Gionta?!? Someone could kick me in the dick right now, and I would just be happy I wasn't dreaming.

I liken how the Devils have performed against bad teams to a guy who has lost a little bit of weight and entered a new dating bracket. You start seeing a higher quality of woman and you have to bring your 'A' game so you don't end up getting embarrassed. The Devils have been able to go tit-for-tat with the finest broads this league has to offer. It's when they go after a real pig that they can't seem to close the deal. They strut in all cocky acting like a bunch of douchebags that are too good to be there and BOOM, they end up waxing their own sticks. Well, not tonight. Tonight the Devils went back to their roots. They realized where they came from. They figured out that last year they were the male equivalent of that fat chick who can't keep her hands out of the bar top 'Chex-Mix'. They treated her like someone that was worthy of their time and they imposed their will on that hog. They slaughtered that swine from rooter-to-tooter (or ass-to-mouth for those that aren't familiar with the meat processing industry). They took that little piggy to Pound Town, I mean really made her oink, and do you know what they realized? Every conquest feels just as good after it's over. Doesn't matter who you beat, a victory is undoubtedly still a victory. They all look the same in the win column. Hopefully that attitude carries over, because they got the biggest, stinkiest, most grotesque warthog in the barn traveling up from Philadelphia tomorrow, and she's in desperate need of a good porking. The boys have an opportunity to continue eating good tomorrow, and if we are being honest I can already smell the bacon. Don't you dare deny me that bacon Devils.

P.S. Put it on the plate for 'em Patty...

Snipe City. Population: Mike Cammalleri. #NJDvsCAR pic.twitter.com/kUfWTvIaof

— New Jersey Devils (@NHLDevils) December 4, 2015