The throat cancer, I assume, was first seeded during those wild middle years, when he drank like a fish and smoked like the devil. Looking back, knowing what he knows now, does he feel he overloaded his system?
“No,” he says. “No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
“From cunnilingus. I mean, I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.” He shrugs. “And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”
Right, I say. OK. So what he is suggesting is that it all evens out? “That’s right,” says Douglas. “It giveth and it taketh.”
‘What I was trying to say was that there is a sexually transmitted virus called HPC,’ Douglas says, in an attempt to clarify the controversy that ensued.
‘But there is a vaccination that they recommend to all kids before they become sexually active so they don’t catch HPC, which is a cause of certain types of cancer – cervical cancer, tongue and throat.’
So he didn’t imply that performing oral sex could cure certain types of cancer?
‘No,’ he groans, anguished by the notion. ‘I was trying to make a public service comment.’
Michael Douglas PSA: Don't go down on our wife when she has HPV or you'll ingest cancer. However, if you do go down on her and get cancer, go down on her again to get rid of the cancer. In actuality, I'm pretty sure all he is saying is that if you are going to perform cunnilingis on your wife's disease ridden lady parts then make sure you do it an even amount of times. Jeez, can't believe I missed that on WebMD. I wonder is Douglas just walks around carrying a Sharpie in his pocket to mark down on his arm what number he is at. Eating some pussy on a Friday afternoon just to make sure he doesn't head into the weekend with cancer. Constantly wondering if he accidentally crossed over into the odds after an alcohol fueled romp with his wife.
Despite being utter lunacy, this actually makes a good amount of sense. The perfect microcosm of gender relations. Pussy, it might kill you, but it might save you. Can't live with the vagina, can't live without it. I don't know if you can receive or cure cancer via a thorough tongue lashing, but nothing would surprise me. Who knows what's going on in there? All I know is that the mere presence of a vagina is enough to drive both men and women crazy, so I won't put anything past it. It would certainly explain why even the craziest women can convince men to come back twice.
Hey, Michael. Far be it for me to tell you how to live in the public eye. However, I, for one, completely forgot that you said your wife gave you cancer so maybe it's best not to discuss it again. No one is going to be like "oh look at Michael Douglas, what a sweet guy, he finally said his wife's pussy didn't give him cancer and it was only 4 short years later". Nope, that's not how it works. Instead we get a shameful laugh out of how absurd a statement it is, then we judge Katherine Zeta for still being with a half dead guy that thinks vaginas give and take cancer like fucking Robin Hood. Sometimes you're just dead wrong, and no amount of time and no ridiculous explanation can fix it. You just got to let that sleeping dog lie. Especially when that sleeping dog is a reference to your wife's genitalia.