I Am Not Actually Supposed To Care That The Baseballs Are Quite Obviously Being Juiced, Right?
Have we all come to grips with donating any semblance of a respectable sleep cycle to an absolute marathon of a baseball game that somewhat miraculously maintained it's entertainment value throughout all 5+ hours? If you've got any puns about 'Minute Maid Park' and juiced balls remaining in the chamber of your drafts then shoot them off into their saturated online market, because I have a half serious question to get to.
Am I supposed to give a shit that the balls have obviously been altered?
I can see why the relievers whose dream states have been transformed into nightmares with the replacement of sheep by the balls they've been traumatized into counting as they fly overhead might not be ecstatic about the dangers of any sort of solid contact being ripe for the warning track. But for the casual fan? Doing the equivalent of pumping the balls full of 'Jolt Cola' seems like quite the compromise between boring pitcher's duels and being completely steroid fueled.
Let's face it, with it's dwindling popularity, baseball needs to cater to more than the cranky curmudgeons that call themselves "purists", and there's nothing your average, every day asshole of a sports fan loves more than home runs. It's either a biologically masculine mindset or an inherently millennial temperament, but - either way - my attention can't span for 5 hours unless it's being propped up by the increased likelihood of man hitting projectile hundreds of feet into the distance. It's entirely possible I have spent more time focused on baseball games throughout this series than I have in the last decade combined, and that has everything to do with how often the game script has been flipped with nothing more than one swing.
Now admittedly, splicing the genetics of a golf ball and a racquetball in with the DNA of baseball taints the integrity of the game, but - for once - that tainted integrity doesn't create a competitive advantage. Juiced balls might cheat the numbers, but they don't cheat the fans or the players.
Those that live and die with 'Major League Baseball' might not agree with a process that's become insanely accepted regardless of it still technically being hypothetical. However, if it weren't for dingers being hit by the dozen then we would probably still be talking about how the MLB stupidly failed to suspend a player for a public display of abject racism, so maybe having inanimate objects bursting at the seems with steroids of sorts might actually be good for the game. Baseball needed a metaphorical needle in the ass, so let's just be happy that it's no longer coming in the form of a literal needle in the ass.
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