We all remember this kid. King Curtis, the pudgy little shit with a gap tooth and a bowl cut. The entertaining little bastard who was oh so passionate about his bacon. The kid who treated chicken nuggets like members of his family. The kid that packed his bags and ran away from home protesting his right to eat fatty, delicious pork. The kid who never met a timeless soundbite that he didn't like. That kid was genuine. That kid was sincere. That's a kid who stood for something. That's a kid that made it seem reasonable for all of us bacon lovers to continue in it's consumption behind the guise of it being good for us...
This King Curtis? He just ruined King Curtis for me FOREVER. In fact, if we are being completely dishonest, he's probably ruined bacon for me as well. This King Curtis has no integrity. This King Curtis trying to push 'GoFundMe' pages, and sell me on YouTube channels and his own brand of bacon? This is a King Curtis that is undeserving of my support. Sorry kid, but you missed your calling about 7 years ago. Seven years ago you were a bacon greased lightning rod. An endless source of must watch television. Now you are just a money hungry teenager from the South, and a boring one at that. That Youtube channel is going to suck because no one wants to watch fat, unenthusiastic hicks ride around in broken down cars. That GoFundMe is going to remain fruitless because you sacrificed your soul. You let the fame go to your head Curtis, and now your half hearted proclamation that "bacon is still good for you" just reminds me of a better day when I actually believed in you. A day when the internet was still honest. When viral sensations weren't worth anything more than the laughs we got from them. Teenage Curtis proved to us one thing, and that is that nothing in 2015 is beyond attempted monetization, even 7 year old catch phrases. I honestly feel like my innocence has been violated, and the phrase "she thinks she's the queen and we're the sorry people" will never again give me the unbridled, child-like joy that it used to. I feel like I just watched a Greek tragedy or the fall of the Roman Empire. 14 years old and this kid's time has already passed him by. Some things are better left unchanged, and the original King Curtis never needed a sequel. Long live the King...