I Don't Care What Richard Hammond Thinks, If Eating Ice Cream Is Gay Then I'm Neil Patrick Harris

□ hello & here's the full richard hammond 'ice creams are gay' piece and yeah, it's awful pic.twitter.com/JhDisRsc1Q

— Ollie Cole (@ProducerOllie) December 26, 2016

Listen, if eating ice cream is gay then you can replace the yellow, phallic fruit in my banana split with my next (and first) dick, because I'll think twice about playing the other side of the field if I am passing a 'Mister Softee' truck on the way over. Seriously, dip those balls in some syrup and put a little whipped cream hat on the head and let's see what this whole intergender sex thing is about, because - depending on my mood - pussy might be 1(b) behind a solid palate cleanser. I have never felt aroused by the presence of a man, but it's 2016 so giving homosexuality the old college try to keep my dessert options open makes more sense than swearing off foods in the interest of an antiquated form of penetration. 

I honestly wasn't even going to look up who Richard Hammond is because someone with an opinion this stupid doesn't deserve a job nevermind having it recognized publicly, but I am so glad I did because he provided a hell of a lot of clarity to the situation. Of course the NASCAR (over)analyst correlates a bunch of non-sexualized things with a group of people he harbors an insecure resentment for. He probably hasn't eaten a hot dog since gay marriage became legal out of fear that his peers might think that it's not the only meat he likes to tickle his tonsils with from time to time. I didn't know I felt this way until now, but there's only one place in which this viewpoint wouldn't shock me and it's at a racing roundtable. 

You know, Richard Hammond might be a moronic bigot with questionable taste buds, a sick dedication to doing non-gay activities that aren't remotely gay, and an irrational fear of people that don't think or fuck like he does, but he just did the LGBT community a public service. I have honestly never felt more gay than I did after hearing someone say that a delicious treat that I happen to enjoy is homoerotic. The enemy of my enemy is my friend so let's take a step back throwing stones and hold hands in the communal hatred of one idiot whose summer nights must suck, because - if only for one course - we can all get our licks in and be gay together.