I Probably Wouldn't Feel Comfortable Drinking The Water In Rio, But Their Cocaine Seems Legit

Rio cocaine dealers now using the Olympic logo, plus the warning "don't use near children," which is very thoughtful pic.twitter.com/8M0e551eej

— Alex Cuadros (@alexcuadros) July 26, 2016

I'll be the first one to tell you I am not a big coke guy so my knowledge of international narcotics might be a bit limited. In fact, if for some reason I traveled to Rio to watch the Olympics and felt the undying need to immerse myself in the culture by enjoying one of their most prevalent exports  I could just as easily get tricked into buying a bag of baking soda cut with table salt. But you know what? After the inevitable sodium induced nosebleed I wouldn't even feel bad about my purchase. Not because the "high" was worth the money, but because the marketing campaign was absolutely flawless. That might be nothing more than some C- blow, but it came in A+ packaging. I don't know too much about drug dealers, but I do know the ones that have labels on their products are always more legitimate. Especially in South America where I assuming there isn't a FedEx Kinko's every half mile. The dedication that bunch of drug pushers showed in advertising their brand is almost too praiseworthy not to donate to. We are talking about corner dwellers that took the time to include an age warning! If that's not worthy of the label "street pharmacist" then I don't know what is. If I were visiting Rio I probably wouldn't fill my glass with tap water, sleep within a mile of an open window, or eat anything I didn't see prepared first hand, but I could probably be convinced to blow some curbside snow solely out of respect for the salesman. And why shouldn't I? There's got to be a reason the Latin word meaning "higher" is included in the Olympic creed.