I Think It's Fair To Say This Islanders Fan Doesn't UnderStand The Concept Of Non-Disclosure

You can call this woman trashy. You can call her over divulgent. But don't you dare say she isn't a fan. Hell, the Islander's need more fans like this. The true salt of Earth fans that have been around through it all. Seen the Stanley Cup wins, maybe even through labor pains. Suffered through the 30+ years of misery.  If your fan base doesn't have one mother that got knocked up in the parking lot, are you even a real fan base at all? What are you just supposed to enjoy the success of your sports franchise without having unprotected sex in the back of a Buick? I have always lived by the phrase "it's not worth winning if you can't sin big".

This is actually a genius move. There is one main fear I have as a potential future parent. You're probably thinking to yourself "he's got to be concerned about providing for his child". Nope. Maybe you're thinking "he probably is worried about installing a strong moral fiber". Ehhhh, nope. My main concern is that my child won't like the same sports teams as me. I can barely deal with my friends and their uneducated sports allegiance, you think me and my seed will both survive 18 years in the same household with contrasting loyalties? If my son's first word is 'Rangers' I will fly to China, put him in a basket, and ship him right down the river with all unwanted oriental newborns. How old is too old to give your child up for adoption? If my kid chooses to go to Penn State he better pray he can afford every cent of his tuition. Hope he has money left over to pay for a new father too, because he will officially be excommunicated. 

Know the best way to avoid your child rebelling via fanhood? Crap him out at an Islanders game. You can't be conceived at an Islanders game, have your first view on this Earth be of tattered floor of the Nassau Coliseum, and try to convince people you're a Rangers fan. Talk about disingenuous. Other than your parents, the Islanders are the people most responsible for your existence. You think if Mike Bossy had the talent of Patrick Flatley your parents would be fogging the windows on a brisk autumn night in Fistfuck, Long Island? No sir. You owe your life to those Stanley Cups. 'Not under my roof' is right. The Islanders brought you into this world and they will take you out too. 

Is it embarrassing to have your mother post-narrate the doggy style sex that resulted in your fetus in front of thousands upon thousands of people? Sure is, but it's all about looking on the bright side. Judging by his mother's personality, she was bound to let the story behind his conception slip at one point or another. Might as well use it to be known as the biggest Islanders fan ever. You know the guy that claims he's the best fan ever because he goes to every game, regardless of whether they suck or not? That guy looks like the chick taking selfies and asking what 'icing' means compared to this kid. Going to every game is for pussies. You got to break some water on that floor before you can call it your own.