I Would Rather Have A Child Than A Wife.

I know what you are thinking, what the fuck is he talking about? How could a quasi-adult, quasi-binge drinking, quasi-mature male such as myself be a primary caregiver? Well, that's a hell of a question. In contrast, however, which of these scenarios is more feasible? That I could feed a baby, wipe it's ass, and make sure it doesn't die, or that I can find someone that I want to interact with every single day?  I feed myself, wipe my ass, and do I relatively good job of making sure I don't die everyday, I would just have to double the work load. Never mind finding someone that wants to interact with me everyday. If marrying yourself was a thing I would do it for the party and get an annulment the next day. You're welcome family and friends. I already know my faults. I would have a laundry list of complaints before I even 'consummated' the marriage. That's half the problem with relationships. People don't get married because they accept the other person for who they are, they marry a person because that person has done a wonderful job of hiding all the crap that comes with a lifetime of their company. Either that or they see the potential of what the glorified version of that person could become.  

What are the pros of marriage? Sexual gratification? That's a pretty cool concept until 3 months into the marriage when you are about as sexually active as Neil Patrick Harris in a convent. Avoiding loneliness? Bet you that baby isn't serving you divorce papers anytime soon. Generally people want company when they are younger and seek alone time as they grow old. Why enter into a contract that will only offer me more unwanted company and more distractions from what I actually want to do? Unconditional love? Let me tell you something. When it comes to love there is always one condition. The condition that you don't grow to resent the other person's very existence. How often do marriages flourish into a lifetime of love?  Let's say 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 25% of the remaining marriages are full of resentment and people trying to get to their grave without having to wear the scarlet letter of an ex-spouse. So liberally speaking, 25% of marriages are good and healthy. 25% is pretty good odds if you are talking about throwing a couple bucks at a lottery ticket, not mortgaging your net worth. How often does having a child result in unconditional love? Mathematically speaking, having a child is simply more efficient in regards to having a mutually beneficial relationship. 

So what are the 'downsides' of having a child? You got to feed it, listen to it, dedicate all of your finances to it? Sounds like a wife is just a more opinionated, volatile version of a toddler. I would rather sit in room full of crying babies than have a public argument with my spouse. I have contemplated suicide just watching other couples fight. What's the more preferred alternative? Being molded into a barely recognizable shell of yourself, or molding someone into your likeness? You think little Robbie is going to tell me to put the seat down or go to dinner with one of his stupid, unbearable friends? Nope. Rather watch that kid dance all over the souls of other prepubescent suckers on the hockey rink than visit my hypothetical wife's family for the weekend. My child will always depend on me for his livelihood. He, with any luck, will forever be indebted to me. My wife will depend on me to provide a scapegoat everytime she has a shitty day at work, or needs someone to talk to/at. There is at least once a day where I find myself smiling and nodding and not giving a shit what someone has to say. It would take plastic surgery and enough valium to quarantine a horse to keep up that facade for a lifetime. 

In my opinion a relationship should start with marriage and then after a year or two you should start dating. Couple months after that you should start casually fucking, and then before you know it you don't even know each other any more. Why not have marriage coincide with the time in the partnership where you actually love everything about the other person? The time when you find their quirks cute, and not irrationally aggravating. You can bet your ass the divorce rate would be cut in half if that were the case. It's not that true love doesn't exist. I'm sure it does. I'm sure in the same way that I am sure that the bald eagle still exists. You rarely see them so most of the time you are just hoping they haven't died off completely.


I hate a large majority of people. So you are telling me I should devote hundreds of thousands of dollars to a person I love just so that we can hate each other a decade later? How about I save everyone a lot of time and money and go to the bar for 3 minutes. That's certainly a more efficient way for me to gain an enemy. I think it's pretty obvious I have never been in love. Well, maybe with myself. However, with the increasing narcissistic nature of society, I may never get the chance. Why do you think the happiest couples you see are the ones that are too old and technologically impaired to realize how self absorbed everyone else is? The entire phenomenon of monogamy and marriage, much like organized religion, may prove to be obsolete before I am even prepared to undergo it's wrath. It's not natural to want to wake next to the same person everyday. There are days when I wake up and look in the mirror and say 'ah fuck, not you again'. Shit, I get bored with some of my best friends after a few beers. If I was able to play God and systematically create my 'perfect wife' I would probably be at the bar 6 months later complaining about her to anyone that will listen. Meanwhile, My kid could come out with a dick growing out of his/her forehead and I would gloat about it being the most veiny triumphant bastard I have ever seen. 

P.S. This hypothetical completely disregards the presence of a baby momma. If there is anything worse than an overbearing wife it's an overbearing mother.

P.P.S. I'm not actually this cynical, but when you know what they say about being on a heater. Plus this look is swagalicious...