I'm Going To Give Drake A Pass For Being Awful At Soccer

@highlighthub @bleacherreport Crazy Lamp Trick Shot. @cristiano

A video posted by champagnepapi (@champagnepapi) on Sep 1, 2015 at 12:23am PDT

No hate from me on this one. Sure, that kick was about 50 yards wide, but the ability to aim a soccer ball might be the most underrated talent in all of sports. It's definitely the most underrated talent in all of soccer. Running for 90 minutes straight is kind of impressive too, but it's nothing like trying to direct a ball with your foot. I remember my days on the soccer field. Can't tell you how many times my coach told me to kick the ball with the side of my foot. Uhh, how about you go fuck yourself coach? In case you didn't notice the ball goes wayyy higher and faster when I just close my eyes, pray, and boot that shit with my toes as hard as possible. Can't help but wonder why I wasn't much of a goal scorer in my day. Are these nets regulation size or what!?!? Hey, whatever, I had an excuse to stink at soccer, I'm an American. As good of an excuse as that is, you can bet your ass that Drake has a better one. Compared to a half black, Canadian Jew, I was basically raised on the pitch. What do you expect out of the guy? He's all fucked up. Doesn't even know what sports he's supposed to be playing. He's too Jew for football, too black for hockey, too Canadian for soccer. Might just be time to shoot some hoops and call it a day. I will give him a golf clap for the sarcastic 'GOAAAAAL' celebration though. It's only fair.

Hey, uh, Drake, you know you don't have to be friends with everyone, right? I'm going to put the chances that Ronaldo and Drake have had a face to face conversation at a cool 0%. What the fuck do you think Christiana Ronaldo did when he saw that he was tagged in this by one 'Champagne Papi'? Trick question. He's too busy fucking the continent of Europe while he stares at a wax likeness of himself to check his Instagram. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Rinaldo only followed accounts that were also dedicated to him. I can't even hate. If I had abs like that I wouldn't have time to look at anyone else either. I'd probably build my house entirely out of mirrors and do everything in my power to clone myself. Drake thinking he's buddy-buddy with everyone takes a certain level of narcissism, but you can't truly be narcissistic until you ignore, oddly friendly, famous rappers that tag you on social media like a teenage girl.