I'm Pretty Sure JJ Watt Can't Find A Girlfriend Because He Basically Is A Girlfriend

BSO- “People [I know] think that I’ve never dated before, or whatever,” Watt says. “But I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m just unsuccessful. My schedule’s so crazy and life’s so busy, it just hasn’t worked. That’s why it’s so difficult,” Watt said. “You don’t know who wants you for you, who wants you for the money, who wants you for the fame. You have no idea. And how would you know? There’s no way. So that’s why you try and rely on family and friends. And then you talk about celebrities with other celebrities . . . someone who’s in a similar situation, so you know that they already have money and fame. But you can’t think about love on paper like that. If you’re thinking like that — ‘Does this person want me for me?’ — then you’re gonna have a hell of a hard time falling in love, ’cause you’re constantly thinking about what they look like on paper. Trust me, it’s a lot more difficult than I wish it was — but I’m sure hoping to find the right one.”



Hey JJ! Yeah, over here. I have a idea that will open up some time in your schedule for dating. Maybe stop giving interviews based entirely on how hard it is to find love as a famous, good looking, physically fit, millionaire. That should open up at least a couple minutes a day for you to flip through Tinder. Here is the thing, there isn't a doubt in my mind that JJ Watt has come across a host of qualified ladies that would have loved to call him their own. The real problem isn't that he can't find love, it's that love requires a time commitment. Between the hectic workload of being a professional football player, and the time JJ Watt spends going out of his way to enhance his public perception through shameless self promotion, his schedule is jam packed. Let's be honest, JJ Watt is exactly who he thinks we want him to be. To find love you have to let your guard down. You have to let your significant other see the real you. JJ Watt has never even met the real him. I imagine when there's not a camera on him he just stands in the middle of the room speechless. Just lingers there confused, scratching his head, wondering what he's "supposed" to be doing when no one is watching. JJ Watt needs to date himself first before he can have a realistic shot of being in a healthy relationship. He's got to find out what HE likes. What HE wants to do. What it means to be JJ Watt when the only person in the room is JJ Watt.

You know why JJ Watt really, truly can't find a girlfriend? He is "the girlfriend". He is the one asking 100 questions on the first date so he can manipulate the answers to what his company wants to hear. He is the person that will change at a moment's notice just so that someone will like him. 
He is the one trying on 35 different outfits before he heads for the night. He is the one standing in the mirror asking his significant other if his shirt fits well enough. He is the one that never has an opinion on where to eat. He is the one that refuses to have a day where he just wakes up, does absolutely nothing, and doesn't even feel bad about it. JJ Watt is just the largest, strongest, most athletically gifted girlfriend on the planet.

You know the DirecTV commercials where it's Peyton Manning and 'Squeaky Voice' Peyton Manning? JJ Watt needs that to come to fruition. JJ Watt needs to date 'Selfless' JJ Watt. Opposites attract. Sugar meet water. I can't even think of a more perfect couple. Can you imagine a better life partner for JJ Watt than someone that requires absolutely no attention to be placed on them at any time? More importantly, the whole gay thing will do wonders for his reputation, and that's all this is really about anyway. I think 'Selfless' JJ Watt should move in right now. Two birds, one stone. 'Selfless' JJ Watt can finally fucking watch DirecTV, and JJ Watt can continue to love himself, for better or worse, until death do him part.

P.S. Over/Under on how many times he looked at himself on the JumboTron?