I'm Starting To Realize Why Dwight Howard Stinks At Free Throws

You know I have always been confused as to how Dwight Howard is so bad at foul shooting. All things considered his shot doesn't look all that fucked fundamentally. I mean that stroke looks like Ray Allen's compared to DeAndre's cockeyed hope and a prayer. Elbow in, solid rotation, just can't hit the broad side of a barn. Well, I think we finally have our explanation. It's got to be this drunk asshole following him all over the NBA map. Doesn't look like he is wearing a Clippers shirt to me. All this time I have been thinking that Dwight is a mental midget that can't fulfill his potential and it's not even his fault. It's this guy and his nondescript mid section that have been haunting Howard's entire career. If we are being honest, that guy would throw me off too. Not because of one shirtless dude, but because of the features of said shirtless dude. Look at that stomach, no homo. Has there ever been a body that has had less definition in the history of the human race? If there wasn't a belly button there it would just be a blank canvas from groin to chin. No gut, no breasts, but at the same time no 6 pack or discernible evidence of muscle. Just flatter than a 12 year old track star. I know the camera adds ten pounds, but I didn't know it could subtract nipples. Hell, Gaylord Falker couldn't even attempt to milk him. You would be showing 30% from the line too if there was miracle of modern science slamming drinks in the background. Get that thing to a laboratory ASAP, it's got to be the first sign of an alien invasion.

P.S. I can't live in a world where Josh Smith is a person that is deserving of praise. Game 7 couldn't come fast enough. I'm like two consecutive Josh Smith three pointers away from suicidal tendencies. Josh Smith with a respectable jump shot is enough to make me question everything I have ever said or done. I am not ready for that level of soul searching...

P.P.S. If the Rockets are playing with the same confidence that this kid is then the Clippers shouldn't even bother showing up Sunday. Enough swag to make a pre-op transexual wet behind the balls. Can't even hate the player or the game. His intentions are more evil than the King Koopa on his shirt. Kid is about a pointer finger away from having a better resume than me before he even grows hair on his nuts. Don't tell me he's going to have a better basketball team too.