In Deciding Not To Sign A Long Term Deal, Kirk Cousins Sought Advice From The Most Predictable Source...God

TheComeback- Cousins spoke at Liberty University’s convocation last Friday and revealed he had a revelation through prayer that God prefers one-year contracts to long-term deals. His comments, which occur at the 13:55 mark of the below video, were transcribed by Liberty University:

“I prayed about it, and I do believe that the Lord, at least in my life, likes to use one-year contracts and not long-term contracts. He likes to take me to the edge of the Red Sea and have me see there is water in front of me, there are mountains on either side, and there are Egyptians chasing me from behind. And He wants me to sit there for a moment and go, ‘God, You better show up.’ And then He parts the Red Sea and He’s done that time and again in my life, on the football field and off the football field.”

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A man of many hats, that Jesus H. Christ. As if being a carpenter turned hire-by-the-week engineer of the free world wasn't enough. I thought that giving all of his constituents spiritual guidance was a hell of an undertaking, but he's got professionals athletes that are worth tens of millions of dollars plopping down on both knees and asking for career guidance as well? Who knew our lord and savior also had side gigs as a talent agent and a financial manager? I'd ask where he finds the time, but clearly controlling the climate and overseeing the  President are the priorities that have fallen by the wayside. Oh well, at least Kirk Cousins decided to maximize his earning ability after Jesus turned a waterfront chase down with the Egyptians into a moment of enlightenment. I'll definitely rest easier knowing the 'Skins will be milked for every Red cent that it costs to remain relevant.

I guess there really is no better person to ask for some insight than the almighty figure that's taken on the task of supervising both heaven and earth. I mean, who else would be able to foresee the market value of mediocre quarterbacks rising faster than his own resurrection? You'd really need to have a divine understanding of long term contracts to realize that it's best to watch the guaranteed money stack up as high as possible before committing to one. Sure, it's going to be tough spending one whole year living off nothing more than a 23 million dollar salary. However, that's just the type of human sacrifice that you have to overcome before Jesus starts suggesting that you sign off on the long standing health and happiness that comes with being wildly overpaid for multiple seasons on end. Whew, good thing God didn't have plans that day, or there would have literally no one (other than Derek Carr and Matthew Stafford) there to tell Kirk Cousins that he's only an offseason away from entering into contention for the least deserving of the league's highest paid players.