In Shocking News, An 18 Year Old Smoked Weed At A Music Festival (Spoiler Alert: It Was Obama's Daughter)
Is that? No, it can't be. Please tell me it isn't. Oh sweet heavenly Jesus, it's a MARIJUANA CIGARETTE! And it's sticking out of the mouth the daughter of the President of United States! I ask you all to get down on your knees and pray for her. I bet the 18 year old girl smoking illegal drugs at a musical festival doesn't even realize that the gateway she just trespassed through leads to an unforeseen treacherous tumble into a full blown narcotics addiction. Recreational experimentation is all fun and games until your trading sexual favors for baggies of baking soda.
Fuck November, we need Barack out of office NOW. Not just because we - as a country - are apparently in desperate need of someone far less intelligent to blame literally everything on, but because Malia needs her father around or rehab is all but a certainty. If the question is "how do we make sure the President's daughter health is no longer compromised?" then the only answer is instantaneous impeachment. We need to take action or next thing you know she'll be eating all of Michelle's under seasoned leftovers without asking first. It's only a matter of time before she's forgetting to pick her sister up from school like every anti-drug commercial has predicted for the last 15 years. The humanity! Such a promising young girl and with one puff from a stick of cannabis her future turned darker than her lungs. I can't believe she let a bunch of Lollapaloosers peer pressure her into giving up all her potential for a temporary high. When will they learn to just say no!!!
Seriously though, is there a better time in American history for the President's daughter to get caught (very hesitantly might I add) smoking weed? Of course every person that lives below the Mason Dixon line and has more than two bumper stickers on their car will try to turn this into an indictment of Barack as a parent, but you have to imagine everyone else is cheering her on for not letting 7.5 years of seclusion turn her into a social misfit.
P.S. Soon you won't even have to keep an eye on our kids because SnapChat will do it for you.
P.P.S. Only wrote this blog so that I could use the term "marijuana cigarette".