DailyMail- A 120-year-old Hindu monk has put his longevity down to abstaining from sex for his whole life.
Hindu monk Swami Sivananda was born on August 8, 1896, according to his passport, and has settled into a routine of celibacy, no spices and daily yoga.
The 120-year-old virgin is now applying to Guinness World Records to verify his claim that he is the oldest man to have ever lived, which is currently held by Japan's Jiroemon Kimura, who died in June 2013 aged 116 years and 54 days.
Sivananda, from the holy city of Varanasi, grew up in extreme poverty and chose to become a monk, saying he owed his age to 'yoga, discipline, and celibacy'.
'I lead a simple and disciplined life.
'I eat very simply - only boiled food without oil or spices, rice and boiled daal (lentil stew) with a couple of green chillies,' he said after a two-hour yoga session in Kolkata, the eastern Indian city where he had come for a short visit.
So let me get this straight, to be a part of the monkhood you can't have sex or use spices, but you can brag about how abstaining from two of the most enjoyable things on the planet have kept you alive for far longer than anyone should want to be alive? Sounds like there's a little loophole to living the "right" way, but that's neither here nor there. Truthfully, I don't really care that this was an unnecessary ass patting, because it was the worst unnecessary ass patting of all time. Who the fuck wants to live a life without pussy or seasoning?
I'd easily take 35 good years full of shameless fornicating and gluttony over 120 years of pretending that those things weren't ridiculously awesome. If someone said I could either add 50 years to my lifespan by taking a vow of celibacy and giving up dry rubs or I would die today then I would hit the back pages to try to find a suicidal hooker that would agree to bang me in oncoming traffic while I ate the most poignant steak ever fileted off her back. I usually respect the discipline it takes to be a monk, but if one of them wants to start beefing then I'm bringing the garlic salt. I refuse to be shamed for using my God-given body parts. Especially by someone who has spent over a century sitting in silence, eating like a bird, letting their wild oats dry out into extinction, and...well...waiting to die. A monastary is really just a glorified, long term old folks home. If you're not living then you're dying, and eating bland food and ignoring the pleasure pipe between your legs is NOT living. Enjoy maintaining your health and serving others Swami, but I'm going to do my best to maintain my libido while serving my taste buds. A full life sounds good in theory, but the the guy with the full stomach and the empty balls will be the one on his death bed 40 years earlier without a single regret.
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