Is This The Most Terrifying Tinder Picture Of All Time?

Jesus Christ lady, it's a dating site/casual fucking app, not auditions for 'Orange Is The New Black'. I always wondered what happened to Mysterious from 'Making The Band'. Diddy wouldn't let her get his cheesecake anymore so she resorted to haunting the dreams of unsuspecting strangers who are looking for a quick nut. I'm only two weeks away from moving to the opposite coast, but I think I might move up the date and enter the witness protection program. I would rather get matched with 90's Tyson. This picture might as well have a caption that says "swipe left motherfucker". Can I get a heads up Jessica, from smiling in a dress in one picture to staring directly into my soul. Now I have to explain the small pee stain on my pants when I go out later. It took two seconds of looking at this picture to make me feel like less of a man. My dick literally shrank two inches and ran backwards when I saw this pic. It's safe to say you aren't getting it in on the first day with this one. If were being honest, it looks like your best shot is showing up in a dress with your best mangina. You have a better chance of becoming Jessica's Tinderella than satisfying your endless craving for meaningless sex. I'm not saying she's munching rug, but there's no doubt you would be the proverbial girl in the relationship. Rule #1 to "online dating" (for lack of a better term); Don't post a picture that you took moments after you killed your parole officer.

Is posting this picture and a degrading description the best way to get killed by a stranger?  Without a doubt, yes. But funny is funny, so if even a slight smile crept across your face, don't say I never did anything for you. I'm just out here risking my life by running off at the yapper for your entertainment, no biggie. Seriously though, if I stop responding to texts, don't call the cops. She will find you too. I won't need my own episode of 'The First 48'. I'll be long gone by the time you even suspect anything.