Lance Armstrong Quits After One Lap Of a Beer Mile

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​Who would have thought when you drain the excess artificial testosterone out of the all world athlete he would lose all his balls…instead of just one? You know, I usually lean towards the athlete in these situations. Let Mcguire, Sosa, and Bonds in the Hall Of Fame. Let the NFL players use PED's. I don't care. Bigger, stronger athletes benefit the entertainment value. That's all that should matter to the casual fan. However, I think I have to change my stance when it comes Lance Armstrong. 

No man that can't finish a beer mile should have Tour De France championships. A quarter mile and a half beer ain't cutting it. Dude must have been 98% PED's when he was biking 40 MPH uphill for three hours. It's a social contract that you enter into as a man that when you enter a beer mile, you finish a beer mile. I'm not saying he has to set the world record, but at least finish. Pretty ironic that the guy originally known for his persistence and longevity quit after 2-3 minutes. I bet he's one of those guys that claims he can't chug a beer. He has the mental fortitude to stick needles in his ass, but can slug down a cold one in a timely manner. 

I think I should kickstart the rebirth of the LiveStrong campaign. Apparently, I am in better shape than our boy Lance. At the very least I have more gumption. No quit in these lungs. No quit in this liver. Give me 4 beers, a full size track, and a million dollar anti-cancer campaign. Cross my heart I won't get caught with horse blood in my system. 

P.S. Has anyone ever been excommunicated from society faster than Lance Armstrong? He went from the face of the fight against cancer to absolute obscurity. Gets busted for steroid use and next thing you know he is embarrassing himself in cameo beer mlle appearances. I think Ray Rice has a higher approval rating.